Have you ever had a song, one that you haven’t heard in years, just start playing in your head? It happened to me the other day, and I realized I was actually singing it softly to myself.
It was a song that used to be one of my favorites back in my single days, and it had been my mantra many times after a devastating break up. I’d long since forgotten it, but at the time, I would belt out the lyrics at the top of my lungs (often with tears rolling down my face) whenever I was driving and it came on the radio. It just described me and my love situation over and over again.
The song was Insensitive
You may not know the song, since she was a Canadian singer (it may just have been popular in Canada at the time), but the line that really got me was “I thought that you might have some advice to give, on how to be insensitive”.
So I found myself singing it out loud once again, only this time it was very different. Now I really get what I just didn’t get back then. That there wasn’t anything wrong with me.
I wasn’t too sensitive, and I certainly didn’t need a lesson in being insensitive. It was that he wasn’t sensitive enough to be with me! Or, to put it a different way, I just needed to be with someone who was sensitive to my needs, and if the guy I was with wasn’t, then he wasn’t the right guy for me.
But I didn’t get that at the time. Or even for a long time after. I just thought I was too soft, and I needed to toughen up. That I needed to be different than I was.
Of course, while I’m sure that Jann Arden wasn’t really looking to become insensitive, unfortunately for so many of us, this is exactly what happens. After one too many heartbreaks, we become cynical, insensitive, even bitter. And our hearts get hardened.
Head over Heels
It starts off innocently enough. We meet a guy, the sparks start flying, and before we know it, we’re in way over our heads. Who can resist that kind of chemistry? The next thing we know, we can’t think of anything but him; he’s everything we've ever wanted in a guy. But the truth is, we’re so attracted to the idea of him that we haven’t had a chance to get to know the actual him!
You know what I’m talking about. He’s got that way about him; we can’t quite describe it, but it’s something about the way he carries himself, the ways he exudes that confidence, that charisma, that magnetism that draws us to him and makes us feel so special just because we're with him. We feel worthy. Chosen.
And we’re finally able to prove to everyone (and to ourselves) that we really matter. That we really can get someone to love us. That we’re loveable.
He tells us everything we want to hear. He takes us places we’ve never been before. It’s exciting.
But then, after a while, we find that we’re left a little wanting when we’re with him. We’re not sure what’s going on, wondering where things are going, feeling a bit insecure. We just haven’t connected the dots to see that it’s because we’re drifting far from our true selves again. For a guy. Again.
But we keep our head in the clouds and we don’t see anything, except that this guy has made us feel alive like we’ve never felt before, and we’re just not ready to give that up yet. We just want to keep believing that this time it will turn out differently.
Until it finally comes crashing down around us and we find ourselves back in the land of reality checks where we’re forced to acknowledge the truth, what it really was (and wasn’t), and how it really was the same thing all over again.
And that’s when it happens.
A Hardened Heart
It hurts so bad that you resolve to never let yourself feel that strongly ever again. That fragile, blown glass heart of yours that’s been shattered and pieced back together again too many times starts to become harder. Tougher.
But there’s good news.
This time, there’s one thing that’s different. You’ve got me. I’m here.
And I’m here to tell you what I was fortunate enough to have some very special people tell me right when I needed to hear it the most; the words that saved my own fragile heart from becoming hardened:
There’s nothing wrong with you.
Nothing. Nada.
Sweet, tender, soft, loving, sensitive you.
He just wasn’t the right guy for you. He’s not a bad guy but he’s not the one for you. No matter how much you wanted him to be. He’s not.
All those feelings you had, all those wonderful times you shared, they were real. To you. And maybe to him, too. But the reality is, he didn’t have it in him to give you the respect, the attention, the sensitivity, the love that you truly deserve! The stuff that real, loving, equal relationships are made of. And it doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter what is or isn’t going on for him. It won’t change a thing.
So after you’ve had your cry, called your friends whose silence or comments only make you feel worse, spent your days in bed not wanting to get out, played every one of your favorite break up songs, and gone over every possible scenario of what happened and how you could have done things differently to keep the relationship going, it’s time to hear what I've got to say.
You are beautiful, you are worthy of true love, and you are wonderful.
And you aren’t too sensitive.
Please don’t ever become hard. Please don’t ever become bitter. And please don’t ever become insensitive.
That’s no way to live. For anyone. And especially not for you.
So embrace your sensitive you. Embrace your tender, soft heart that just wants to love someone and be loved back. Embrace that sweet romantic self that, however naïve it may seem, just wants to believe in true love. In what he said. In what he told you. In how you thought it was between the two of you.
Because when you love like that, it can hurt. There might be heartbreak. But that’s the kind of love that reminds you you’re truly alive.
You feel, deeply. You sense, wholly. You believe, completely.
And don’t change a thing about those qualities. Because you will meet that guy who’s been looking for a sweet, tender, soft, loving, sensitive woman like you his whole life, too, and those beautiful qualities you hold will not be lost on him, but will be cherished as the gifts of love they truly are when they're shared with the right person.
And I can guarantee he won’t have anything to teach you about being insensitive.
This could not have been any more identical to my own experience and heartbreak. Everything you said was exactly the way I felt. Four years later I am still dealing with this heartbreak and find myself unable to love anyone. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I want to move on and find love but just can’t feel anything romantically any more, except for guys that are wrong for me apparently.
Then take all the pressure off yourself, Zara. Don't look to anyone for anything but friendship right now and allow yourself to be surprised at what you might find. Focus on someone's character. Is he kind? Is he compassionate, caring, loving, empathetic? How does he treat people, animals, people who he holds any power over? Don't worry about feeling anything. Just enjoy dating, getting out, getting to know someone different. If you haven't already read this post I wrote in response to someone who felt the same way, here's this, too. Most of all, when we can't get over someone, it's only because there's something more about you than about him that holds the key to set you free!
This resonates with me except, being HSP and knowing it, I've never been able to harden my heart and give up. I've been married twice, 2nd one lasted 19 years, over 22 years together but we hadn't been happy in a long time. I've been separate for almost two years, alone even longer. My daughter has me on a dating site and I have not contacted one guy, they've all contacted me. I have 4 I'm mostly talking to and talking about meeting up in person (public place and I won't be alone ). I'm really looking forward to meeting this one guy who lives about an hour away, possibly meeting one who lives not far from my daughter this weekend. I don't want to attach myself emotionally to the one I'm leaning towards the most too fast and I don't want to close the door on someone else that seems nice and has common interests. The whole dating thing has me nervous. But, I know I'm better than 2nd fiddle (as I seem to be to some I knew through work or the young one who claims he "doesn't date ") And I'm learning that there are men out there who will accept me for who I am (unlike my ex who would "suggest" changes ).
Finding myself and getting better.
And sorry to break it to you, this love doesn't exist.
A very good article. You speak some wonderful truths that are so important to remember. ..very hard to remember when you are "in it" but I trust it and agree with you from previous experience. Thanks.
Good read! I fell upon this by accident when I did a Google image search for hardened heart. I wanted a visual of how I've been feeling lately. I'm the one that has been said to be incredibly sensitive and emotional for a man. My ex-fiancé cherished that about me. Or so she said. We were together only a year and planning a marriage. When she broke it all off, I was left with a ton of questions. None of which have been answered. It's been just over a year now and I have been able to accept the loss but I haven't been able to move forward. I miss my best friend. So, here I am, feeling the weight of a hardening heart. I want to be loved and I want to share journeys with someone. I do. I'm just scared to be hurt again like this. It's just too much to deal with.
Hi Shane,
How nice of you to join this place. I think all of us here know exactly how you feel. It is indeed a lot to deal with. Just know that whatever reasons she may have had to break off your engagement, you'll get through this. It is a process. Hugs.
Welcome, Shane; I'm so glad you found what you were looking for here! Of course you miss her. There are always so many unanswered questions. I wrote another post about those unanswered questions that you may find helpful - why asking why never helps the way we think it will. Your sensitive, emotional nature is going to be such a beautiful gift to someone who's been looking for exactly who you are and what you have to offer. Don't let what this one wasn't open to change you. You deserve to be loved for you!
I loved that song by Jann Arden (I'm Canadian and I remember it being SUPER popular when I was in high school). Anyway when you wrote:
"we find that we’re left a little wanting when we’re with him. We’re not sure what’s going on, wondering where things are going, feeling a bit insecure. We just haven’t connected the dots to see that it’s because we’re drifting far from our true selves again. For a guy. Again."
Your words really resonated with me. I do this a lot. Sometimes I think it's because being lonely is scary so you put up with a lot of b*llsh*t for a little affection. I'm learning to stop it though. And, although it's hard, I love myself now more then ever 🙂
So true, Jaliya; love your insight here, you're onto something. So glad this resonated with you! 🙂
Thank you very much for this.
You have a great talent to make things seem so manageable. That's a gift.
D - I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and thank you for the kind words. 🙂
My favorite song along those lines back in the day was Harden My Heart by Quarterflash.
I'll admit that song was playing in my head after I titled the post! It certainly brings back some memories. 🙂
You're so welcome, Kass. And I'm so sorry you have experienced such heartbreak. It's never easy to have a relationship end when you're not ready to let it go. Or to let him go. And to be left with the feeling that if you just could have been something different, things would have been different. Don't go there. Know that if it was truly meant to be, it would have been. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Really. You just need to believe that, and know in your heart that it really is true! 🙂 Sometimes it's so much easier to beat ourselves up than to accept that this is what is meant to be right now. And it will get better. It can take a really long time to get over someone depending on the length and depth of the relationship, so go easy on yourself even now. Even if it feels like it's taking too long. It always feels that way when you're in that place of getting over someone.
By staying soft and sensitive, and embracing and loving the beautiful woman you are, there WILL be someone out there for you who will love those qualities about you and love you just the way you are. Don't let one past relationship that didn't work out affect the way you see yourself - that's one that takes a long time to learn. But it's true. You are still the beautiful woman you have always been. He just wasn't the one for you.
It's a balance between being strong and hard and strong and soft, but there is a difference. By letting him go, by accepting that love has a better plan for you, someone who's ready for the kind of love you have to give, you will come to live that difference. It all takes time, but in the end, when you look back on this, you will see it more clearly, too.
Thank you for writing this!!!!! Every article of yours that I read is more accurate to what I have been through, and helps me move on. You have an amazing talent!! I read almost anything I can find about relationships and self love in order to recover from my boyfriend leaving me two years ago. I am picking up my pieces and trying to build myself back, but its taking two long. I am an unemployed lawyer in Puerto Rico, my boyfriend left me after my lawschool graduation and everything in your articles helps me move on. Because one of the many things I kept wondering was, If there was something wrong with me? Was I too ugly?? Fat and flat?? But slowly I have stop caring, and focusing more on me, my courier and what I love. I have already started feeling like my heart is hardening, so your article came right in time for me. Thank you very much, God bless you 🙂
hello i am a man but my issues are not related to my sex my names tory and i have had a series of dissapointing and heartbreaking experiences with women i find that a lot of them expect me to be loving , open honest and everything else then when i do give myself it isnt returned and i am left feeling burned and dejected i really dont trust women anymore and i find myself really disliking them at the moment as the days go by my heart is hardening can you advise me ?