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I Was Only 9 Years Old

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A young girl sits on a bench by a lake, feeling invisible and alone.
When I learned how quickly it could all be taken away.

I've been judged my entire life. Some of you know this about me, most of you don't.

My worth was equated with being perfect.

When you have a dad who's a minister, you have to be. Picking up early on what it meant to be loved in my family, I learned to conform and earned the label of the perfect one, while my older sister rebelled against that conformity and was forced to leave our house when she was 14 years old.

I was 9 years old and the day I learned my parents had chosen my dad's church and upholding their image over their own daughter, I also learned that my perfect label wasn't just a label; it was a matter of life as I knew it or the very opposite.

It was confirmed for me that my worst fear as a child could happen; I could lose their love.

From that moment, I chose security and hid my true self until I left the country for college after I graduated high school.Continue Reading

I Was Beautiful for 3 Months

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Beautiful woman looking into a mirror.
I've said those exact same words myself.

It was just a comment that came into my inbox, but it was these words that caught my attention enough to know there was something more that needed to be said.

Why?

Because I've said those exact same words myself and I know so many of you have, too.

How many of us have felt these same words? When we're loved, we're beautiful. When we're no longer loved, we're no longer beautiful.

Isn't that what we feel?

There's no shortage of messages we receive that tell us we're beautiful when we're loved. There's no shortage of confirmation of those words from even our well-meaning friends and family who comment on how radiant we look when we're basking in someone's love.

We get the message.Continue Reading

The Problem with "Broken"

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Woman looking into a broken mirror representing her low self-esteem.
It does more damage than all our other programming combined.

There's a single word for what we've been told about ourselves that does more damage than all our other programming combined.

Amongst all the stories we've been told about who we are, where we've come from, and why we can never trust ourselves more than we can trust someone else who always knows better than we do, it's the story that tells us we're broken, that we've always been broken and we need someone or something outside of us to save us from ourselves.

Sound familiar?

The problem is that when we've accepted this as our own story for so long, we stop questioning it. And even worse, we forget we even have the right to. And we don't even see that there is a problem.

See, when you've been told you're broken, when you've been told you have to go to some being outside yourself to ask for forgiveness for the simple act of being human, you're going to have a hard time believing you're not.Continue Reading

I Just Want to Be Sure I'm Not Walking Away from a Good Thing

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A beautiful woman sits on a couch at home alone, feeling sad that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Am I foolish to stay in this relationship?

Isn't this at the heart of the question you're asking, too?

You sense what you need to do. You've been wrestling with it for a long time. You've got all your facts, all your information, all that you've quietly (or not so quietly) been observing, all the while hoping something would be different this time.

But it hasn't, has it? It's still the same.

And now there's just one thing you need to know. It's that you're not walking away from a good thing. That's what brought Diane here today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a man, 14 yrs older than me, for almost ten years now. We don't live together.

I have two children who are now teenagers.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship. We see each other usually Saturday evening through Sunday most weekends, but if either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks.

He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time. I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy. We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.Continue Reading

Remember When They Used to Ask You This?

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A woman holding a dandelion in her hand blowing it away making a wish, signifying letting go.
It’s time for a new question.

When you were a little girl, they used to ask you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

You had so many answers back then.

But no one asks you anymore.

When they stopped asking, you stopped asking. You stopped dreaming. You stopped planning. You stopped hoping. You started looking back instead of forward. You started believing another voice.

Not the one of hope, but the one of the opposite of hope.

Hopelessness.

They convinced you you’d lived your best life already.

That you’re too late.Continue Reading

I Really Don’t Want to Let Go

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Beautiful woman sad sitting on the window sill and painting on glass feeling heartbroken because it's hard to move on.
I have never met someone so compatible with me.

Ever met someone you liked so much right away? And the more you got to know him, the more you liked him, the more compatible you thought you were until that's all you could see? Our letter this week is from beautiful Cindy who's going through this now, and a whole lot more.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I’m going through a very heartbreaking, difficult time now.

I have been dating this guy for 5 months. We had a lot in common and we really got along together. We spent every weekend together since our first date. He’s the one I’ve been looking for, and I like everything about him. The more I know about him, the more I like him.

I even seen him as a potential partner.Continue Reading

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