self doubt

What Rejection Never, Ever Is

Outdoor portrait of a sad woman feeling rejected. — It's never about what it should be.

What do you do when you come to the end of yet another relationship that didn't work out for you? What do you do with that? Or more precisely, what do you conclude? Do you conclude that there must be something wrong with you?

This is the piece you often hear me talking about on here.

Instead of seeing it as not the right timing for you.

Instead of seeing it as not the right fit for you, either right now or always.

We tend to look at a relationship with someone as that it should work because you’ve put everything you've got into it, or you should be attractive enough, or you should be the perfect match for him.

But it’s never about what it should be. It’s about whether it is, in reality, a good fit for you.Continue Reading

Letting Go of the Fear

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I remember that feeling oh so well. The fear that would come after reading yet another book, after hearing yet another speaker. There always seemed to be something else I was supposed to be doing, or not doing. Something else I was doing wrong. And that's when it would set in. The fear.

What if I had missed my chance by not doing what I was supposed to be doing? What if it was too late and I had already sealed my fate?

I couldn't shut out the fear. The fear of being alone forever and never finding someone who would love me for me.

Whenever I was alone it would set in and I would just wallow in this big giant lake of doubt, drowning in it. With every new book I was only finding myself growing more and more fearful that I would never be able to figure it out and finally get it right!

I just wasn't getting it at all, and sometimes I felt like I was even going backwards.

Did that mean it was all over for me – or at least in this lifetime?

Ackkk!

It was a downward spiral.

So much to focus on, so much to not focus on, so much to try to change, so much programming to try to reverse. It just felt overwhelming.

Once again I was believing that everyone else has it in them but me. Everyone else must be able to do this except me.

And so I felt more alone, more scared, more doubtful and more fearful that I would ever get this right. I was caught in a downward spiral.

Until I read that I just needed to stop being afraid. Completely overwhelmed, I surrendered to God, to the Universe, to whatever it is that's out there and let it be known that I just couldn't do this anymore. I was tired of being afraid.

Then something clicked.

It was like a light switch suddenly being turned on.

And that's when I started to live. I realized that this fear had been such a central part of my life that had been controlling so many of my decisions (and indecisions). Something about recognizing it, acknowledging it, realizing the hold it had on me and finally surrendering to it brought it down to size. It was then on a level that I could see it clearly without letting it rule my life.

I could now acknowledge those fears as they came up, but I was in control now of how much I would allow them to affect me or how much I would believe what they were saying. I could finally look them in the eye and tell them they were wrong.

I knew the truth.

I was lovable, I was beautiful, I was attractive, I was worthy, and I did deserve to be loved. I was finally able to see this for myself, no matter what those nasty voices of fear were whispering in my ear.

And I want to tell you right now, in no uncertain terms, that it's the same for you, my beautiful friend. All of your doubts and fears don't have to control you and your life for even one more moment. It's time to see just how much control you have over those fears. It's time to acknowledge them, accept them for what they are, and then let them go.

They are not you. They don't define who you are.

They are only the manifestation of our culture, the media, the well-meaning people in your life, and your past programming. They can no longer dictate what happens to you.

Living with fear at the root of your reality is no way to live.

I know it and you know it.

It all begins with that same simple word – enough.

Acknowledge, accept, and then let it go. Fear is only as big as we make it in our minds and that's the only place it exists. There is so much more to life and love than this, and there is so much more to come for you.

Don't let those fears get in the way of all that you deserve, all that you already have, and all that is still waiting for you.

Tomorrow is a New Day

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Just like we are so hard on ourselves, many of us (myself included) find it all too easy to look back at the past with so many regrets at what we could have done differently in a given situation.

While we can always learn from our past experiences and determine to do something differently the next time, the harm comes in getting so caught up in that past, beating ourselves up in the process, that we forget that tomorrow truly is a new day. A day to do things differently. A day to celebrate ourselves and all that we are, including our imperfections and shortcomings.

These things make us human, they make us real, and one day they will even endear us to that special someone who will truly love us unconditionally.

I still remember the night when my single girlfriend and I were at a local restaurant after a social event, and we saw two guys who had also been at that event. We both found them attractive and thought they looked interesting, and we went back and forth wondering how we might break the ice and meet them. They both seemed to be in a deep conversation with each other, although they seemed to look over in our direction a few times, enough for us to think they might be interested in meeting us, too.

We noticed that there were no rings on their fingers and they certainly seemed open and friendly enough in their body language, but they never took that step to come over and talk to us, despite our clearly inviting signals and body language.

It was soon time for us to leave, so we walked past them on our way out, smiled one more time and said hello. They both smiled and said "hi", but nothing more.

On our way home we wondered if we should have said or done anything more to open up a conversation, or even gone as far as walking up to them and striking up a conversation ourselves, instead of hoping for them to make a move. We stayed stuck in that depressing world of "what if" and the "what could have been", each in our own individual way, for far too long.

Finally we both realized that it simply didn't really matter. We decided to leave the world of "what if" and come back to the world of "what is". We realized that if it was meant to be, if either one of these guys were meant to be with us, we would meet again.

And more importantly, we realized the hard, cold truth of the matter: If either one of them had been interested in either one of us, they could have (and most likely would have) initiated a conversation with us. It wasn't all about us.

The point is, thinking about the past, focusing on what we could have or should have done differently, doesn't get us anywhere. Learning from that past, building on our previous experiences with new knowledge and new levels of comfort does.

Beating ourselves up over things we cannot change about the past, dwelling on what we wish we had done differently doesn't.

So look at the past, and all of those things you might have wanted to do differently, as learning points. If you feel, based on your past experiences, that you need to do something different, then do it. If you're not sure, then listen deeply to your heart and not all the shoulds or other people, and you'll find you have that answer deep down inside.

It's all a journey. We learn. We experience.

We find ourselves in situations where we wish we had done something different. And we learn again. We resolve to do things differently and then we learn the important life lessons that bring us through to the next season of our lives. And we fall back into old patterns from time to time. It's that three steps forward, two steps back type of learning that we find so frustrating, yet is so necessary to finding our way on our own time, at our own pace, at a timing that is unique to us and no one else.

And always allow yourself the gift of a fresh start.

Are You Waiting to be Rescued?

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While it may sound romantic to be rescued by the strong, handsome man, the reality isn't at all like the fantasy.

This is the fourth post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.

We'll be delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, to make sure that you areready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.

Are You Waiting for Your Knight in Shining Armor?

Does your self-talk sound like "I'm such a mess", or "why am I so insecure?", or other similarly self-deprecating statements?
Do you think that someday you will meet a guy who will pull you out of the funk that you're in and make you happy?
Do you think a guy will come along and solve all of your problems – whether it be financial, emotional or physical?
Do you find yourself typically looking up to your partner? Do you find yourself falling for the professor in college, your boss at work, or someone that you feel has authority over you?
Do you often get starry eyed over a guy who shows interest in you that you think is out of your league?
Do you find yourself feeling like your partner is all that, and you really can't understand why he'd even be with someone like you?
Are you looking for someone to make it all better?

If you answered yes to one or more of these, it's a sign that you may be looking for a man to come along and save you from the life that you're currently living. The truth is that this is a very bad reason to get into a relationship, and it will almost inevitably fail.

The Good News

Nobody is coming to save you.

Why is this good news? Because once we realize that no one is coming to save us, there's a kind of ethereal calming of the soul; a relief, a release of anxiety. Because now you know it's not going to happen, and you can stop waiting and move on with your life.

Self-Rescue

You can now get to work on making it happen for yourself. You're now in control. Because waiting for someone else to rescue you from your current reality is handing over the reins to fate, and sitting and waiting for something external to happen to you. While this may seem easier, it's actually more stressful, because deep inside we feel stressed when we feel like our lives are out of our control. Taking it on yourself is to take control of your life, accept responsibility for yourself and your actions, and recognize that things don't just happen – you make them happen.

You can now freely let go of the idea that something outside of yourself, something that you have no control over, must happen or change before you can be happy. You can let go of the idea that someday things will be better, and you can start making things better today.

Because the reality is we don't ever really need saving. We may think we do; we may have been brought up amid messages that convinced us to believe we are damsels in distress in need of a wonderful knight in shining armor to come and slay the dragons for us – and that may make for an exciting fantasy, but it's not the stuff of reality. The price we pay for turning over that much control of our lives to someone who may or may not have our best interests at heart is always too high.

I remember all too well when this reality became clear to me. Yet another man, another relationship had let me down, or so it seemed, when in reality, it was just another lesson sent to nudge me closer to embracing my true self, to stop looking outside of myself and start realizing I had it all right here inside me. I was enough! I didn't need anyone to save me. I was no damsel in distress. I didn't need anyone to slay my dragons.

I only needed to find myself to discover that I was enough. In and of myself. And to learn the difference between finding someone to join me as my equal in this adventure we call life versus someone I'd always be looking up to, putting up on a pedestal, losing myself in the process. And that's more real than any superficial knight coming to save me could ever be.

Do The Work

If you want your life to be different, it's time to know that you're in control and that you're fully capable of making the changes that are necessary to make your life different. The first step is in building up your self-esteem and realizing your true worth, your value.

It's in this process of raising your self-esteem and getting healthy for yourself that you change the patterns of your past. Instead of ending up just as unhappy in the next relationship as you've been in prior relationships, with a healthier you, you'll attract a relationship that's both a happier and healthier one. Remember, you need to be healthy before you can be in a healthy relationship.

In the last post I said that you want a partner, not a patient. This time I'll say the reverse – you want a partner, not a therapist. If you have debilitating self-doubt, get the help that you need before you're in a relationship. If you're already in a relationship, get the help that you need outside of your relationship.

Sure, you can rely on your partner for support and encouragement, as you well should, but get the help you need from a professional. If seeking professional help is not practical, due to financial or other reasons, then get yourself some good books to study, and do the work (reading about it alone won't do anything – you need to do the deep work on yourself).

It also helps to find someone outside of the relationship that you can talk to & bounce ideas off of. Maybe it's a friend, coworker, or family member. The important thing is that it be someone who is non-judgmental and trustworthy.

And remember that I'm always here for you also – I'm just an email away.

Next post in this series: Are You Looking for Someone to Complete You?

14 Warning Signs That He’s Not That in to You

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Image of a man who looks like a player showing signs he's not into you. — If you want a real relationship, then watch out for these warning signs.

When I look back at all the relationships that didn't work out (that I so wanted to at the time), I realize that in every case, there were early warning signs that my guy gave me that could have given me some idea of the heartbreak I was going to experience if I had only been aware of what to look for.

So, to spare you from what happened to me, to give you the inside scoop on what you can be on the lookout for, here’s my list of the warning signs that I didn't heed. Fortunately, you still can.

Here they are, in no particular order …

1.) He doesn't call you when he says he will.

Granted, I know that sometimes life can get it the way, and if he’s working late on that big project with the looming deadline it’s possible that time might get away from him once in a while.

But if this happens more than once or twice, it’s a sure sign that you’re just not a priority for him right now.Continue Reading

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What Rejection Never, Ever Is

Letting Go of the Fear

It was a downward spiral.

Then something clicked.

I knew the truth.

I know it and you know it.

Tomorrow is a New Day

Are You Waiting to be Rescued?

Are You Waiting for Your Knight in Shining Armor?

The Good News

Self-Rescue

Do The Work

14 Warning Signs That He’s Not That in to You

1.) He doesn't call you when he says he will.

Find Your Cheerleader

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