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Understand What You're REALLY Looking For

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A beautiful, happy woman is lying in the tall grass with the sun shining on her face, knowing that she understands what she really wants.Stop chasing what other people think you should want.

Now that we’ve gotten clear on who we really are, what interests us and where our passions lie, we’re going to figure out what we’re looking for in our true love.

Mr. Right. The One. Our Soul Mate.

Or whatever you prefer to call him.

Because ladies, we are onto something! And the great news is that he’s not the guys we’ve been dating. And why that’s great news is that it hasn’t worked out so far!

Here we’ve felt like such a failure for not being able to make those relationships work when we’ve tried so hard, done all the work only to have them slip through our fingers (or leap over our heads). Can we finally see that they weren’t the guys for us? They weren’t meant to work, they weren’t meant for us to be able to turn them around, make them come back to us, keep the relationship from ending because they weren’t the ones for us!Continue Reading

Forget About Him - Do What YOU Want to Do

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Woman having a cup of coffee surrounded by books representing her story.
Make sure it's where you want to be, too.

I’m guessing you’ve read all about the places you’re supposed to go to meet men. Whether it’s on the news, on the internet, in your favorite magazines or books; by now you can probably list the top ten places to go to meet men. I remember when I first heard that the grocery store was on that top ten list of my time.

What did I do? I headed for the grocery store. During the hours of 7-9 PM.

Because that was when they (whoever that particular they authority happened to be at the time) said was the most likely time to meet other singles in grocery stores.

And then the stores must have heard about it, too, because some of those stores jumped on the bandwagon and started hosting singles nights.

At the grocery store.

Because after all, isn’t that what it’s all about? Being in the right place to meet your soulmate?Continue Reading

Why You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

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Every thing you do or say isn’t being recorded, judged, analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love. A beautiful woman writes the word relax on a transparent board in marker while teaching.This is NOT how it's supposed to feel.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Really, it’s not. All the things you’re doing to increase your chances of finding him - The One, Mr. Right. All the over thinking. The second-guessing. The desperate calls to your best girlfriends, maybe even your mother. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I or don’t I? It sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it?

Well, you’re not alone. But all this planning, thinking, prepping, and basically trying so hard isn’t the way it’s done. Every little thing you do or say isn’t being recorded and judged and analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love.

It just doesn’t work that way

There is no contest, no prize, no competition where the one who tries the hardest wins. This is real life, and real love.

And it’s not about you trying so hard that you don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re out there being whoever and whatever you think you’re supposed to be in order to land that man.Continue Reading

Help! My Biological Clock is Ticking Away!

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A woman who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right is holding a biological clock near her belly.Here's a letter from one of our beautiful readers, Mady, who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right. 

Dear Jane,

First of all, thank you for writing such encouraging thoughts on your very positive website. You’re helping a lot of people, something I strive to do as well – sooner than later, I hope. Thank you, really 🙂

I’ve been reading almost all your posts. There’s one topic I haven’t found though, and which is keeping me thinking and contemplating since at least a year now: What about those beautiful women who are still on their own, in their thirties, and who would very much like to have children?

There’s been some very important and loving men in my life. Yet, these last few years, with all the reading, building on my confidence and convincing myself that real, lasting love will one day cross my path, I feel that one of my biggest dreams would be to have children. Of course, I’m almost 32, my clock is ticking, and even if I meet someone special next year, getting pregnant can still take years of “trying”. So I’m thinking about other“solutions”. I reckon this might sound a bit irrational. I just feel the need to reassure myself by knowing that there’s an alternative, which doesn’t require waiting for/depending on the arrival of that special man.Continue Reading

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? A beautiful confident woman leans against a tree in a park.One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

 

It's Time to Let Go of the Fairytale

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She always won her man, and he always pursued her regardless of what obstacles came up, and they always eventually married and lived happily ever after. A beautiful woman dressed as a princess is running toward the fairytale castle.You remember the story well. Yet another beautiful commoner captured the heart of the prince, and the two rode off into the sunset to live happily ever after. It didn't matter how many times you heard that story, how many different versions of it you read; the outcome was always the same. She always won her man, he always pursued her regardless of what obstacles came up, and they always eventually married and lived happily ever after. And so it is no wonder that now, when you are all grown up, that story is still playing in your mind, forming your belief of what falling in love and being in a relationship is all about.

Whether it's subconscious or not, that theme plays in our minds whenever we meet someone, whenever we're in a romantic relationship. It's no surprise we believe we can make someone love us, we can change the cold heart of even a beast, that we can move heaven and earth to show someone that we are the one for him.

And that's exactly what we try to do.

Over and over again we repeat this pattern from the time we have our first encounter with what we believe is love, until it becomes so ingrained in us, that we don't know how to do anything different. We think it's our role, our calling. We believe that all we have to do is be that beautiful, loving, perfect woman, and he will fall for us and we will live happily ever after, too.

Until our first encounter with reality.

When we find out that we've been told a story that doesn't translate into real life. It might make for a great tale, a must-see movie, or a captivating romance novel, but when it's our lives we're talking about, there's nothing happily-ever-after about it. The happy ending never came.

And so we learn.

But not before we repeat this pattern at least a few more times before we finally see where this fairytale thinking really takes us in real life, and realize there has to be more than what we're living, what we're experiencing in our own reality.

And so when we're finally ready to see love for what it really is and how it really happens, we start our journey. Our quest from a place we don't understand to a new place that we don't know anything about either. We just know we want the real thing.

We learn it's not about being perfect, not about pleasing anyone or being someone we're not. It's not about making someone love us or refusing to give up on someone even though they're telling us it's over or that they won't make a commitment in no uncertain terms.

It's about being real.

It's about two people who both want the same thing; two people who are both on the same page. Who want to get to know each other better to see where this might lead. It's about being compatible instead of contradictory. It's about sharing the same values and wanting the same things in life. It's about being realistic instead of hopeful. It's about being authentic and staying true to yourself and who you are even if it means that this might not end in the happily ever after you were so sure it was going to be. It's about accepting change. It's about accepting what is. It's about being open to someone not being your Prince Charming after all. It's about realizing there's no shame in admitting you might have been wrong on this one. It's about realizing you don’t answer to anyone except yourself.

It's also about being willing to say goodbye when one or both of you isn't on the same page, with the realization that there is so much more to life than this. It's about communicating openly and honestly with each other. It's about hearing each other, and knowing when to listen instead of talk. It's about really hearing what someone else is saying. It's about having disagreements but knowing you are, as a couple, strong enough to work through them. It's about not always feeling like being where you are, but knowing there's no place on earth you'd rather be except right there. It's about being able to accept what is even when it might not be exactly what you want it to be. It's about being picky about the right things. It's about two people, not just one or the other.

It's time to let go of the fairytale.

It's time to let go of the stories of princes and princesses, Cinderella, Snow White, Prince Charming, to name a few (not to mention those modern romantic comedies). All those stories you thought, on some level, were what true love was all about. They were just that - stories. Made up. Fictional. All those Disney movies, and now all the romantic comedies – it's time to see them for what they are. It's time to stop looking for your oh-too-fictional Prince Charming. Because he isn't real.

There's a real Mr. Right out there in the real world looking for a real relationship with a real woman who's exactly like you. The Mr. Right that treats you the way you deserve to be treated and wants the same things that you want, and believes in the same things that you believe in. He'll have his flaws the same way that you have your flaws, but he'll be perfect in the ways that really matter.

And when you find him, you might realize that he wasn't exactly what you expected. But if you keep your heart and your mind open, you will see that it turns out he's even better.

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