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You are here: Home / Archives for feel worthy

My Wish for You

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Beautiful 35 year old woman stands in front of the window making hearts on the glass with her finger.
It’s all for you!

I know you get so many emails from so many people telling you what’s wrong, what you need, and why they’re the ones who can fix it for you.

I want to give you something different this holiday season.

We feelers feel a lot this time of year, and I want to acknowledge how much there is to feel.

No, it’s not you.

This time of year we cry more easily, we feel everything so much more deeply, we sense the nostalgia of the ones that got away and the ones we wished could have stayed.

We feel.

We hurt.

We grieve for a past that could have been different.Continue Reading

Should I Throw In The Towel and Just Walk Away?

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Image of an attractive woman upset over her boyfriend.
After 4 months of dating he still won't call it a relationship.

One of our gorgeous readers, Geena, writes to tell us about her boyfriend of 4 months who's pulling away and still doesn't consider what they have to be a relationship!

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a guy for over 4 months. I felt immediately connected to and comfortable with him, which is unusual for me, as I'm shy. In the beginning he gave me a lot of attention via text and phone calls when he was away for work.

He is out of town for work all week and is only home on weekends. He has his kids every other weekend, so that has left us with only 2 weekends a month to see each other.

For the first few months we got together every weekend we could, but only for one night, not the entire weekend.

He's been very open with me about himself.

He has made himself vulnerable by telling me about insecurities he has and things that happened to him in past relationships and in his childhood. He's extremely affectionate and appreciative when we are together. He truly makes me feel like I am the only woman on earth when we are together.

About 6 weeks ago I asked him if he felt we had the healthy and mature relationship he had told me he wanted in the beginning and wanted he kids to see. (I haven't met his kids yet, and completely understand his feelings about not introducing them to a woman until he is in a relationship with her).Continue Reading

Freeing Yourself From the Trap of Validation

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A beautiful woman sits inside of a giant glass jar symbolizing that she feels trapped by her need for external validation.
Here's what's beneath it all.

It's what I like to call the Trap of Validation.

We’re so used to getting our validation from external sources. Just the idea of getting this validation from ourselves, just the thought of us being enough to validate ourselves seems so foreign.

We can’t understand what that would even look like.

But take away the ability of anyone except yourself to validate you, and you become more powerful on your own than anyone outside of yourself could ever cause you to be.

We do this to ourselves.

This holding ourselves hostage because of our fear of being alone. This holding ourselves back, keeping ourselves down, holding us back from being all that we are and all that we can be of our own accord, simply because we've been so programmed to believe our worth is found in being with someone, in being a partner, of being a wife, of being a significant other.

And what’s beneath that...what’s really beneath that?

Continue Reading

One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

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Cartoon of a beautiful woman writing her perfect boyfriend listThere are so many things we think matter. There are so many qualities we all have on our perfect boyfriend list.

Typically, they include words like tall, or well-built, or funny, or ambitious, or fun, or confident, or dark haired, or light haired, or stylish, or wealthy, or, well, you get the picture.

We all have our lists, and they're all different, but they're also all very similar. They all have words that describe the ideal traits that we think we want in a partner.

But the reality is, none of these matter as much as one single word that conveys so much about what really matters, but is so often left off of our lists.

Kind

It’s what it means to be kind.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word kind as:

kind, adjective : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

and includes as synonyms the words benevolent, compassionate, affectionate, loving, good-hearted, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted, attentive and considerate.

Read through those words again. These are the ones I want you to come to know so well so that there’s no mistaking the qualities you’re looking for in someone who’s right for you, who’s worthy of you, who’s deserving of you and all that you have to offer.

You see, my perfect boyfriend list used to look a lot like yours. I had everything on there that I thought were must-haves for anyone that I could possibly be attracted to, let alone spend the rest of my life with.

And while I slowly figured out through lots of trial and error exactly what I did and didn't want, and what the deal breakers were and which qualities really mattered and which ones I could be much more flexible about, nothing compares to what I've learned since then.

It's what I've learned during the rest of the story.

The part that comes after you’re married and have children and real-life jobs and stresses and in-laws and mortgages and all of the other everyday realities that are part of a shared life. That's when you learn what really matters.

That’s when the word kind becomes so much more than just another word on your checklist.

And it’s why, if I had to do this all over again, it’s the one word that would matter about the person I would choose more than anything else.

Kind. Compassionate. Caring. Understanding. Forgiving. Loving. Gentle.

Back when I was dating, before I had a clue just how important these qualities would become, I had so many other concerns about what mattered. That elusive spark used to be at the very top of my list right above “tall, dark and handsome”. It mattered so much to me back then, I can only imagine how many potential men I passed over simply because I never knew just how important this single quality really was.

It’s become the one very most important quality of all.

If it isn't already at the very top of your list, then it needs to be.

So take that list of yours, that long one that you keep updating but leaving the same things at the top that aren't getting you anywhere closer to the real kind of love you deserve, and put this at the top.

Trust me on this one: Most of those things you think are so important right now won’t matter in the long run. In fact, most of them don’t really matter now. You just think they do.

If you take away all your programming (we all have it), take away all the cultural conditioning and the classic fairy tales that we all base so many of our dreams on, what you’re left with is really very simple.

Is he kind?

Because how he treats you - how he is with you - says volumes about the type of person he is. Yes, you need to be attracted to him. Yes, you want to share common interests and beliefs and philosophies. But at the end of the day, what really matters is about something far deeper than anything skin deep.

Whatever you do, don’t miss that part when you're writing your perfect boyfriend list.

One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

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A beautiful woman is on a date and she is confident because she knows her worth and knows what she brings to the table.I get it. I used to do it to.

We all think about what we need to do to get his attention. Sure, we think about what we want in a guy, but as soon as we meet a guy like that, our thoughts turn to trying to figure out how we can catch him.

As in, he's such a great catch. We try to be sexy. We try to be hip, or cool, or loving or whatever other adjective we think might get him to pick us. To choose us over the others.

We get so caught up in thinking about him that we forget that there’s a whole lot more to this story - the part of the story that’s all about you!

You see, this isn't all about him. We've all been programmed by our culture, the media, and our families and friends to believe it's all about being desirable.

We spend all of our time focusing on what we can do or be to make him like us, make him choose us, make him fall in love with us and make him want to spend the rest of his life with us.

But we’re missing something here!

You.

This is about knowing who you are, and knowing your worth.Continue Reading

Make Him Prove That He's Worthy Of You

47 Comments

Only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer. A man is kissing a beautiful woman hoping he can prove that he is worthy of her love. We've gotten so used to making this about everything except love that we don't even know how to get back to where we need to be. Somewhere along the way we unfortunately learned to believe that we need to prove something. That we need to show him, or maybe everyone, that we really do have value, that we really are all that. That we need to prove ourselves worthy.

We've traveled so far from our true selves that it's no wonder that we've found ourselves alone and questioning the meaning of life.

So alone.

Is it really any surprise? We've learned to be what everyone seems to be telling us that these guys want us to be – sexy, cool, hip, etc. We believe we need to show him all we've got, lay it all out there, so that we get noticed and we can catch him.

I used to think it was all about being that beautiful, sexy woman who would make every man want to be with her. What I didn't realize was that I was acting that way because I thought I had to – I thought that's what every man really wanted in a woman. I finally realized that I was only attracting the player types, because the others who actually wanted a committed relationship with an eventual real life partner weren't interested, or were scared off.  They were all getting together and settling down with real women who were just being themselves and who were honest about what they were looking for!

I had no clue what real love looked like. The truth was I had no idea what I was doing, and what I was doing wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I would hear about someone who was nothing special in the ways I though mattered (read: looks, sexiness) who was getting married, having children, beginning that life that I so wanted for myself. And there I was, acting the way I thought I was supposed to act, being that person I thought I was supposed to be, the type that every man supposedly wanted, only to come to the startling realization that I had it all wrong.

Real men want the real you.

The kind of men I actually wanted to be with, men who were looking for a real, committed relationship,  didn't want someone like that. They wanted the real me, not the image of this artificial me I was trying so hard to project. The others, the swaggering player types who wanted the challenge I was presenting them with, wanted me but not for the reasons I wanted.

Until one day, I got it.

I started putting the pieces together, started reading between the lines of my life. I finally realized that I wasn't in a movie, or a fairy tale; this was my life. I hadn't found success in love with what I thought was my type, which was really just our culture and the media telling me what should be my type. I had no idea what my type was anymore, and I had no idea who I really was.

And from that place of no man's land, I found the only thing that mattered. Love. Love for myself first. And love for another human being second. I had to get to the basics of who I really was, and let go of who I wasn't.

I had to admit what it was I really wanted. If it was love I wanted, I had to be honest with myself and realize there was no shame in being upfront about what my heart and soul truly desired. I had to admit that I might have it wrong and that there might be something to this simple way of just being and loving and focusing solely on the simplicity of love instead of the illusion of the game of extreme attraction.

It's OK to admit you want love.

I had to admit that I wanted love, and no, it wasn't needy for me to admit that; it was confident. I had to admit that I just wanted someone to love me, and he didn't have to be someone everyone would be jealous of. This wasn't about me looking good with someone, or finding someone who measured up to the standard that I always felt I had to measure up to in every way. This false standard created by our media-driven culture.

I could finally stop caring about what other people would think, and just find someone to love who loved me the same way.

That's it! Do you get that? This isn't about all the other stuff, all the unhealthy background baggage that you and I and all of our girlfriends bring to our relationships.

This isn't about you proving something to yourself or anyone else. He doesn't have to look like Bradley Cooper or a guy right out of a firefighter calendar. He doesn't have to be anything except someone who loves you, who gets you, who's compatible with you, who would make a great husband and father.

Do you see the difference?

We were created to love.

We women were biologically made to love, to give, to inspire, to care. In our hearts and souls what we really want at the end of the day, more than anything, is to have someone to come home to! Someone to hold us, to love us, to care about us, to calm our fears, to chase away all of our demons.

And what do we offer in return? We don't know anymore. We're so confused.

We've made it so complicated.

We've gotten so used to playing a role, being everything we're supposed to strive to be, when in reality, it's left us nowhere. We don't know how to get together anymore.

Men aren't used to the concept of being able to conquer us so easily. They don't know what to do with that! We cave so easily because we think that's what it's about. Being liberated. When in reality, giving ourselves away like we do feels anything like liberating.

It feels awful when the ecstasy wears off and we realize we did it again and he's not calling us again. The downward spiral continues as we beat ourselves up. Why can't we be stronger than that? And then the anger comes; we're supposed to be able to handle giving ourselves away like this – it's not supposed to feel this bad!

But it does feel bad.

It doesn't work both ways.  We have to figure out who we are and what we really want. To prioritize and then focus on our priorities and not be swayed by our attraction to the unhealthy, as we work on loving ourselves and letting go of the things that trigger us to attract the unhealthy men and relationships we attract. Stop.

We can blame, we can go back in time as far as we want. But in the end, it's not about the past. It's about recognizing we all have a past, we all have baggage, we all do the things we do because of things beyond our control. But going back and back and figuring ourselves out doesn't do anything for where we are now. We're still alone. We're still lonely. We're still loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up, filling ourselves with regrets and if only.

Stop.

You're here right now. It's time to look again. To see yourself in a whole new way. Real. True. Imperfect. With nothing to prove. Nothing to show. Just here to love. And be loving. And show love. On a level that's safe. Respectful of you. Beautiful you. Guarded. Which means, you give your love to everyone, you shine your beautiful light of you all around you, but you only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer on that deeper level.

And when they see you with the love of your life, they'll know you didn't settle for anything less than you deserved.

You saw. You chose. You became free.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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