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Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

I was on the internet the other day and I tripped across another song from my single days that once again brought back so many memories of the tears and heartache that so many of these songs personify.

Do any of you remember this song?

The theme is one that most of us have sung to ourselves at one time or another when we let someone go who we didn't really want to let go of. (There’s a male version of this theme that we’d all like to believe he’s singing to himself while crying over his own broken heart, but the likelihood of that is right up there with him singing along with the REO Speedwagon lyrics we’ve talked about before.)Continue Reading

Why Asking Him "Why?" Never Works

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I know - you want to know why.

Why hasn't he called?

Why is he getting distant?

Why won’t he commit?

You had a great first date, maybe even some wonderful second and third dates, maybe even a couple of great months where things seemed to be getting serious. And suddenly you haven’t heard from him and it’s been a week.

Or he asked for your number and then he never called, until you bump into him somewhere and now you really want to know why. Or he’s not ready to commit and you've had the conversation all too many times but you still don’t understand what’s really going on.

You want to know why!

The problem is that as much as we want to understand what’s really going on and get to the bottom of this behavior that doesn't make any sense to us, trying to get an answer out of him isn't really going to tell us anything we don’t already know.Continue Reading

It's Time to Take Back Your Power

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A beautiful woman standing firmly with her arms crossed in front of her depicting that she is learning to say no — Because you are just that powerful!

What you’re really asking is: where’s the dating manual that gives you the rules to navigate this crazy world of love?

It doesn't feel anything like it was supposed to feel like.

It doesn't look anything like what it was supposed to look like.

At least not at this point in your life.

And now I’m telling you you’re powerful? The last thing you feel is powerful!

But, my beautiful friend, that’s exactly what the problem is.

You’re missing the most crucial point of this all! It doesn't have to be like this.

You can take your power back, the power you've actually had all along, and you can set your own terms and see who shows up and who falls back.

It’s an adventure. You can detach and enjoy, and finally see this dating, relationship – this looking for love - for the adventure it can be!Continue Reading

Why Do You Stay?

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But I love him.

But I’m lonely.

But I’m getting older.

But he supports me financially.

But I’m divorced with young children.

But he takes care of me.

I hear each and every one of your reasons, my beautiful friend. And while I wish, oh how I wish with all of my heart, that I could somehow make everything all better for you, the reality is that we are all on our own journey and our own path.

You know what your priorities are.

You know what certain things are worth to you. And you know what you are willing to give up in order to get what you’re receiving in return. It's your decision.

And no one else has the right to judge you because they are not you.

And so, as much as I personally believe that once we step out of our comfort zones and step out into the unknown we find more than we could ever have asked for, you have to believe that too.

It takes courage and trust and a belief that defies all logic to go into that unknown, especially when we live in such a practical world.

So what I do say is this: find the unconventional means to getting those real needs of yours met without needing to get it from someone who gives you so little else.

If it’s love you need, find people to love who most need that beautiful love you give so freely while expecting so little in return. Look around at all the hurting people in our world and give that love to those who need it most, and you will find that the love will come back to you tenfold.

If you’re lonely, make some friends, re-connect with family, or become part of a community that fills you up so you no longer define lonely as being without a man. Look into co-housing or find a roommate situation with someone looking for someone just like you!

If you need some help with parenting your children, look into sharing housing with someone who is also in a similar situation and looking for something like this, too. In our culture we are all holed up in our individual houses far away from the villages and communities of the past, and yet we miss out on so much when we live so far away like we do. See what creative ways you can come up with to recreate the idea of a village so that the daily difficulties of raising your sweet children doesn't rest solely on your weary shoulders.

If you hear your biological clock ticking, stop settling for these men who aren't looking to commit to you and have children anytime soon. Weed those out right away by focusing solely on the real qualities you’re looking for in a husband and most importantly, a father to your children. Narrow it down to one or two of those most important qualities and don’t consider anyone who doesn't have them. There are plenty of men out there who also want to have children sooner rather than later, too.

If it’s financial security you’re looking for, look for ways to lower your living expenses. Take on a roommate, look into co-housing, move in with family or friends, move to a cheaper city or state, grow more of your own food, see what you can trade for some of your expenses. See if taking some training to get a better job might also be an option.

I know all too well how nice it is to have someone take care of us. But I also know the very high price we pay for that. When we need someone to take care of us outside of ourselves, we give so much of our own power away to them. We become indebted to them and the relationship shifts and becomes unbalanced so that we lose so much of ourselves. Ask yourself if you really need someone to take care of you, or if you might be able to take care of yourself just as well, and without the strings that come attached when we outsource our care to someone else.

My point, my wonderful friend, is that whatever your reason is for being with someone who doesn't see you the way you really are, who isn't able to give you what you’re truly looking for, sometimes there is more to that story of why we stay with someone like this if we look closer at what we really need. Try to uncover the real need that he's filling.

If you can fill those needs through other creative out-of-the-box ways, you will find your cup full enough that you don’t need to settle for less than what you deserve anymore.

Or ever again.

Does She Deserve This?

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I saw her sitting there all alone today, watching all the couples laughing around her. She was still waiting for him to show … does she deserve this?

I saw her trying to hide the tears as she kept checking her phone for that message that never came … as she was silently wondering why he hasn't called...does she deserve this?

I heard her telling them he's been so busy at work lately, that's why she's there without him again, and she knew what they were thinking, even if they didn't say it out loud, because she thought it, too … does she deserve this?

I heard the door slams, the awful language, the harsh words, and then the pleading not to leave, as he left anyway … does she deserve this?

I heard her talking on the phone, telling him never to call her again, then I heard the sobs that came after she put her phone down when it all sunk in … does she deserve this?

I heard him telling her so many lies, stringing her along, for a reason that never makes any sense – but still she stays … does she deserve this?

You think it will be different this time, but you've chosen someone with the same story.

You think he will be different this time, but you've found someone who's actually the same guy as the last one, even though he's got a different name and a different look.

You think it's going to get better if you just give it a little more time.

You think he's going to come around and make a commitment to you if you just hang on a little longer.

It's time to stop believing so much in him, and start believing in someone who is worth believing in – YOU.

You choose, you decide.

The only person who can change this is you.

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

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I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.

It was my song, the song that made my heart flutter, the one that I just knew was being sung by the guy who was out there looking for me, waiting for me.

And of course I was love-struck by this song. It's a song that we all want to hear the man in our life sing to us, professing his love and his inability to do anything but commit to us utterly and completely. It's a song of romance, love, and commitment.

We want to believe that we mean everything to him, we want to know that he realizes he just can't bear to be without us. Yes, he's afraid (as all men are), but we make him feel so secure, and give him such clarity and direction in his life, that he knows there's no reason to be afraid - so the lyrics tell us.

So he does the only thing he possibly can do, given the strength of his feelings – he gives himself completely to us, to the relationship, bringing his ship into the shore and throwing away the oars forever.

The song I'm referring to is I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon, circa 1985. In case you don't know it, here it is complete with the enchanting lyrics:

The problem I had back then, a problem that so many of us have, is that I really believed it.

This time around, some twenty plus years later, I found myself listening to the words and realizing it was no wonder I had always attracted that kind of drama guy, the rollercoaster rider. The emotionally disconnected player who constantly went back and forth on what he wanted.

No wonder he took me for a roller coaster ride every time.

No wonder he was the only guy who would do!

No wonder I wasn't finding the guy who really wanted to settle down, the guy who was actually ready for a committed relationship. I was too busy looking for the guy who I thought I wanted - the one who would have been singing this song!

I realize now that the song is actually about the player, the ladies man, the bad boy who sings:

Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

Wait. What? Hang on a second. So as long as he's keeping me in sight I'm supposed to put up with his wandering while I wait for him to stop fighting his feelings and finally realize he can't live without me?

I didn't sign up for this.

And I guess I'm supposed to be love struck when this guy suffering from commitment phobia tells me that because of his strong feelings for me:

I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

Well, I'm certainly glad you're getting closer.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Fighting His Feelings - while you figure out just how close you can get, I'm going to go ahead and find a guy who already knows he's ready for commitment.

What I didn't get back then that's so clear to me now, is that the types of men I was attracting were exactly the way these lyrics read, except they never did bring that ship into shore. They just kept on wandering (but, in their defense, they did keep me in their sight - at least when it was convenient).

It wasn't that I wasn't enough - it was that I couldn't change anyone. Nor was it, I now realize, my job to spend my time and energy trying to make anyone love me.

If he wasn't there, then he wasn't there; there was nothing to change, nothing to do except to walk away, say next and move on to someone who was ready for me! Or better yet, spot him ahead of time and not get involved in the first place.

It was that simple!

But no, I didn't get that. I made it so complicated.

I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak that I could have saved myself from if only I had figured this out so many years earlier.

I wasted so much time feeling so worthy to be his candle in the window, to know that it was because of me that he was getting closer to letting down his guard and letting love in than he ever had been before.

I believed it all.

Now I know the truth.

This isn't a fantasy, this is real life; this isn't a song, this is your life.

This isn't a fairytale, this is your heart, your soul, your you… your beautiful you that we're talking about here. And it's time you realize that you were not brought into this world to try to make someone love you, to save someone from himself, to show him a different kind of love than he's ever known, to rescue him, to love away all his demons, to bring him into a new kind of relationship all because you believe in his potential!

You never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth.

You never have to prove to someone why they should choose you. You never have to win his love. If he doesn't see this for himself, then next!

And we all need to stop listening to songs like this – but with over 12 million views it looks like we're still falling into this trap.

You deserve so much more than this.

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Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

Why Asking Him "Why?" Never Works

You want to know why!

It's Time to Take Back Your Power

Why Do You Stay?

Does She Deserve This?

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

It was that simple!

Now I know the truth.

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