Lauren wrote to me this week asking for some quick advice on whether to bail or not on an intoxicating relationship that's activating her "spidey senses". Read what she wrote and my answer below.
Her email:
Hi Jane,
This might be really similar to questions you've already answered on the blog, but I would love your help and wisdom!
Here it goes:
I've been on two dates with this guy. The physical chemistry is amazing and honestly pretty intoxicating. He's charming, funny and one of those ambitious entrepreneur guys (who has way too busy of a schedule, I'm beginning to wonder).
For lack of a better word, my "spidey senses" are already being activated. On the one hand, our dates have been SO fun. I feel confident and sexy, and I haven't felt that way in a while! He's a good listener, and we have great banter. There's something in him that brings out a side of me that I like? Those things make me want to continue to get to know him.
On the other hand, he texted me immediately after the first date and waited a couple days after the second one, after there was more physical intimacy. With only two dates, I don't feel like I know enough about him to understand his motivations, and I don't know exactly what he's looking for (we met on a dating app).
But, I felt SO anxious while waiting to hear from him (could just be me, though!). He's a little hard to read (and again, it's been such a short amount of time), but I just have this sense that he might be a player and emotionally unavailable.
I wonder that in part because I find myself SO attracted to this type of man.
Part of me wonders if he might surprise me, and part of me wonders if this is a disaster waiting to happen. He's a bit more sexually forward than I would expect to come from someone looking for something more serious. And again, there's just this vibe -- maybe that he's not that comfortable with emotions?
I'm really trying to change my patterns. So, I've wondered -- do I bail now? Do I trust my gut? Or do I let this play out?
Again, I don't feel like I have enough data! But, my intuition has essentially always been right before. I want to protect my very sensitive heart.
Thanks so much!
- Lauren
My response:
Hi Lauren,
I'm so glad you reached out!
Your 'spidey sense' is right on. You've got an emotionally unavailable player all rolled into one. Every breathless word you used to describe him. Every nuance of the connection between the two of you combined with your description of his pattern after your dates - and especially after being more intimate - and your pattern of attracting this type of guy as your very specific type.
It's all in here.
Activated is exactly right. That's what happens when you encounter the guy who represents everything that's been stored up in your nervous system. This time will be different, right? He's just a little different from the rest, right?
Yep. It's all here.
For years I gave men like this the benefit of the doubt - and helped the women I coached to walk through this at their own own pace so they could come to see what they needed to see in the only way that ever works - the hard way. No one wants to give this guy up now! You're just beginning. It's so good.
How can we possibly get off this exciting ride now?!
You'll want to get all your data, all your information, everything you need before you do anything about him. Take it slow, detach (as much as you can - I know this is hard!) by living your life, dating other men as much as possible, and keeping him in the proper perspective that IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DATES!
But something is changing.
The number of women ignoring their spidey sense - their gut, their intuition - at the early stages just like you, is doing a lot of damage. To you. So when I tell you I've been coaching women all over the world for over a decade now, and before that I dated every emotionally unavailable player myself that I couldn't help but find, I mean that I've been through this too many times to not tell you what every woman who's gone before you needs you to know.
Yes, you can wait a little longer until you have enough confirmation that he's a player and emotionally unavailable just your like intuition is picking up on but you don't want to believe until you have absolute confirmation.
And that confirmation may take awhile because this feeling of being so alive with him, of being so sexy, so confident so fun, is something that feels worth whatever the data is eventually going to point to.
But there's something you have to do for yourself before you go down that path. You have to know where this leads. Eyes wide open.
It ends badly. You get hurt. He's still busy with everything - after all he's always be entrepreneuring right?
But you have so much fun right up until then.
So what's it worth, Ally? That's the only thing you have to know. And you do have to know. How much do you need this feeling right now for as long as we can get it to last? How much is THAT worth? Because I know firsthand how much that can be just about EVERYTHING when you're in the middle of it!
Bail now. Trust your gut. Save your beautiful sensitive heart.
But if you can't, don't, or whatever you do instead, I'll still be here to pick up the pieces.
Much love to you,
Jane
Your turn. Most of you have been here. Did you bail? Did you hang around for more data? Did it hurt so bad when your heart got broken? Did it work out? Tell Lauren in the comments.
Hi. I didn't not listen 2 my gut it has been 4yrs now. He is a complete narcissist & I know it. But I can not leave it hurts 2 much with out him. But he has done alot of emotional damage 2 me. I know I should not put up with the emotional abuse. But I'm in love 4 the 1st time in my life. I was 51yrs old when I fell in love with him.
Then accept this decision to be with him as your choice. Remind yourself every time he does or says something that hurts you that you're choosing him. If you're choosing him, you still have the power to choose something different when your gut refuses to be at peace with what you've chosen now. Sending you so much love, Kimberly!
Hi Lauren, thanks for sharing. Yeah I stuck around with the thought of- let's try, give it a go, but deep down I knew it wasn't any good. So many times I should've bailed but didn't. I think I got addicted to his charming, sexy side and when sex is in the driver's seat, with all the hormones and endorphins streaming in, it is hard to get clarity. Got to ask yourself- is he adding value? Is he emotionally stable. Does he prop you up or bring you down? Does he respect you? The guy I was with was hot then cold, couldn't talk about his emotions and blamed me for anything. It's hard standing up for yourself and trusting your own knowing, but it has to be the most valuable, respectful path. Good luck x
Well, I have given it SEVEN YEARS just as casual friends (I have my "rock" friend who I do things with once in a while). But this guy, "M," gives me those feelings. Very kind, etc. We just dance, give back rubs, etc. but NOTHING SEXUAL! He finally told me reason we don't go to bedroom is it usually ends up end of relationship and he doesn't want that to happen to us. I just wrote him again last night (which he is fine with) telling him he needs to be in relationship, come around once in a while, etc. He goes through cycles. Sometimes comes over FOUR TIMES in a week! Then cold shoulder, nothing, for weeks! I am extremely busy myself with work at home so I try to not think about it. But when he comes over, wow, I feel like a million bucks! The affection, nonsexual, is a good feeling, honestly! I wrote him that if there's something keeping him from opening up more to me I'm here to listen. He listens to me! But put some pressure on him that he either needs to stay in touch (which he wants to be he says) then he needs to step up. I am very vulnerable in my feelings so he knows how I feel. He's very shy so don't believe he's got other women out there as is also a caregiver and can't leave the elderly women he cares for on top of working! Anyway, just had to "vent."
Yep bailed with a broken smashed heart!!!!
I have gone through the same experience except it took me 7 years to bail. He has broken me time and time again. I knew something wasn't right after being with him for a couple of months. I just refused to give up. I would always go back thinking this time would be different. He was definitely emotionally unavailable. He would see me when it was convenient for him. If I wanted to see him or do something he didn't suggest, it was ignored or he would find some excuse. He just had this sexy charisma which I was attracted to, but always ended up hurt and disappointed. No matter how many times I attempted to talk to him about how I felt with the way he treated me, he didn't want to hear it. We haven't seen each other in 11 mo and he still tries contacting me every couple months just to keep in touch. No apologies or explanations. I refuse to talk to him because I see no attempt to change on his part or take any responsibility for hurting me. He acts as though nothing happened and it is ok not to bring up anything and just have friendly conversation. After 8 years of this I emotionally cannot deal with it any longer.
So my advise is to get out of the relationship as soon as your gut tells you something is not right.
I have with a guy for 10 years he is sexu and our Chemestry is amazing when together (we live a distance )
Of late my gut feeling is that he is not faithful and playing me
So I totally agree
No it dud not work out. Broke my heart. Exactly same scenario. Worked lots. I had to do the compromising around his schedule. Rarely had time for me. Always knew He had more value. Run or be friends but he will never want a serious relationship. It’s all smoke and mirrors and he Is not ever going to be emotionally involved. He is always looking for a perfect person like himself. He will break your heart. I know. Trust your gut.
I say bail out now. If he is to busy then something is up. You want someone who wants to see you and talk to you as much as possible. Especially in the beginning. It doesn't take long to send a good morning text just to let someone know they are thinking about you.