There are 3 things you NEED to know about guys who won’t commit.
I know you think he’s going to be different with you.
I know you think you’re going to be the exception to his whole history with women because you’ve got so much of that beautiful loving in your heart that NOTHING anyone says is going to faze you.
I’m here to set the record straight because I’ve seen way too much of this and girl, it is HURTING YOU!
1) It’s not personal!
No, this isn’t about you not being pretty enough or slim enough or patient enough or the opposite – too much of those things.
This is about a guy who’s looking for a fantasy, where he gets to believe he doesn’t have to do anything except wait for the perfect woman to come along and everything falls into place.
Sound familiar? Well, yeah, because ironically, that’s what you’re waiting for, too!
2) You can waste YEARS of your life with someone like this.
I see this alllll the time. And I did it too. I wasted years - more than a DECADE - of my life on men like this.
You think you’ll just wait a little longer to see what happens, then another week goes by, and a month, and then a few more months – until you’re so invested in this guy you look at it like there’s no way you’re going to risk starting over with someone new when you’ve got so much time already invested in this guy.
It’s a vicious cycle!
You think it’s easier to keep going with the one you’ve got, trying to change him with all your love and everything else you’ve got, but that’s only because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to believe.
It’s not up to you to change him. In fact, he’ll resist you the more you try. Stop trying when you’re the only one trying. You’ve invested too much already!
3) You’re (probably) not going to be the exception!
You’re not, you’re not, you’re not.
Every day I hear from heartbroken women who were so sure they were going to be the exception, they didn’t just ignore all the signs, they went ahead BECAUSE of those signs!
I get it because this was the story of my life when I was single!
They did everything they were “supposed” to do. They were more patient. They did everything they thought he wanted them to do. And STILL no commitment.
Know what they’re doing now? Waiting.
They’ve lost those years. They feel it’s too late now so might as well stick with who they’ve got. So they’re waiting some more.
All because they were counting on being the ONE woman who was going to get through to this guy with so much potential but nothing to show for it.
Don’t be her!
Love,
Jane
Did you need to hear this message today? Say YES in the comments if I wrote this for you and then forward it to a girlfriend who needs to hear it, too!
This is so me. I have wasted my life waiting for this one man to want to be with me and only me. I met him a long time ago he was single I was single but he hooked up with another woman. They got married but I still kind of always hoped that somehow some way we would end up back together again. He wasn't real happy with this woman he was with he ran around on her cheat on her all the time they got divorced about 20 years of marriage. I thought maybe I'd be the one no I was wrong he hooked up with an old friend of his, that didn't last very long. Then I thought I'd be the one again nope he met this other woman they were in a committed 7 year relationship oh, not really committed because he ran around that her the whole time. He left that woman actually she kick them out I thought it would be me and him I was so happy and excited. Once again be hooked up on old ex-girlfriend, he started seeing her and me. I have wasted a lot of time I still want to be with him what is wrong with me?
Oh girl, it's not just you. We learn to love like this at the cellular level, Kelly. You'll still want to be with him despite all logic to the contrary until you understand what that means and how the only way to change this is to create new "muscle memories" that change these patterns for you!
Yes
Ooooh yes! I just went through this not too long ago! Broke my heart, but realized I was worth more, he wasn’t putting effort in, he had what “he wanted”, hid me from people oh and the lies! Noooope! Gone!
You hit the nail on the head Jane! Wow!!! This has been me for the past 10 years. I still have hope but it’s starting to fade out because I’m starting to see that he is just not someone I thought him to be. In the beginning he was but when the going got tough he began to get going. I still love him even though it’s not mutual but I also know that love is good and real when two people love. After all these years he’s still trying to figure out what and who he wants and was dragging me along. I finally got off that ride and I’m doing my own things but I still think of him every day and still feel something in my heart for him. Maybe I’m the one that is confused as to what these things I’m feeling for him really are. Maybe it was just the idea of what could’ve been I don’t know, but my heart has hurt long enough.
I have been waiting for like 40 years. I wasted my youth waiting for him to "pick me". Yet even when I thought "this is it, we will be together " he reached out to an ex, and started seeing her while keeping me on the side. So I kept thinking maybe if he just saw how much I love him, how wonderful I was he would leave her and choose me......nope. She got all the wonderful together times..I got nothing. So here I am, still "hoping". Nothing will ever change.
I've written specifically about our "pick me" culture, Kelly. It's all we'll ever be with guys like this - "hoping"!
Yes Jane I needed to hear that TODAY! Once again I’m in the same place I was 12 years & 3 guys later. I really thought this one would be different & he was. Only thing is I made all the changes necessary & he refuses to make ANY. For all the ladies on this thread…I’m 62 & have been doing this for 40 years! Married twice 16 & 5 years respectively. Husband #2 gave me everything I could have wanted & needed..he just was emotionally unavailable. Stay young, don’t waste any more time with these kind of partners. Life is short!
Omg I totally understand what you are saying. We are around the same age. I have never been married.
It is, Marguerite. And nothing ages us like being with men like this. I'll remind you every time!
Yes,you are so right . I have waited for a man for 2 1/2 years commit to me . Waiting for him to end a strange long distant relationship . I am tired of his words of going to do this.I finally ended it.
It's even worse when you find out that he's a closeted gay. I had my suspicions about a year in and pretty much confirmed it when I searched out and found Craigslist ads (this was prior to 2018) he posted every time he traveled for work (which was often as he was in the travel industry). I kept telling myself he could change - I've never told him I know his "secret" because after 7 years with him and at nearly 55, I'm afraid I may never find someone else to love me . The sex has dwindled to once a month if that and never face to face , no kissing no foreplay, it feels degrading and demeaning -especially because I can tell he's feeling forced into doing something he really has no desire to do ... he has told me so much in so many words without admitting that he's gay. He jokes about the kissing, complains I'm too needy. And the sad part is in spite of all this I still love him in a romantic way that i know most certainly he will never feel for me. I finally decided to buy a house 300 miles away ( we have lived together for over 6 years) and am moving on my own without him ( he owns his house free and clear and doesn't want to move) hoping the physical distance will help ease my pain of knowing he doesn't want me like I want him. I'm pretty sure once I move his visits will be few and far between, as of course he has no compelling reason to see me - certainly not for the sex that's for sure! My self-esteem has gotten so low I secretly wish divorce or bad relationship outcomes on friends of mine who have gotten married or proposed to because I'm so jealous of their happiness .
You know, Susieq, it's exactly this thinking - that we'll never find someone else as good as even this guy that we know isn't a match for us - that keeps us from ever finding out. Low self-esteem getting lower and then the jealousy is a sign to find your own power to do something about what you CAN control: you! He's not going to decide you're worth it, but you can. Show that to yourself - and then watch how your life begins to change from that one action. You're putting yourself through all this for what?!
Thank you, Jane! Deep down on an intellectual level I know this was never going to work out because of his orientation, but I keep trying like the proverbial beating a dead horse! I do think the move and the distance is what I need to shake up my reality. It hasn't happened yet as I'm building a house there that isn't finished. Right now the excitement of moving and decorating a new house is occupying my thoughts and the reality of the true distance hasn't hit me, but I'm hoping it will help me mend and become the me I'm meant to be!
I did and even after the break its still a hard hurt, even though Ive said im over it I'm not too many years too many tears too many letting it go too many too manys, shit still hurts, after the loyalty, love, concern. I wanna see u hurt like Ive been hurt, but in reality don't want anyone to hurt you. Crazy but getting better
Where's the loyalty, love and concern for YOU, Linda? Aren't your worth at least that much, too?
Yes I get it. But even though we split and j am doing no contact, he still contacts me from time to time, which makes it harder. Almost like you have to start again the problem is I still want him back
Happened to me every time I broke up with him also. He would call and before u know it we would be seeing each other again. This time I told him don’t call don’t text. He’s texted I don’t answer.
Every time you're starting again, Lisa! I go through this with every woman I walk this path with - it's not just "almost like": it is!
Yes. I always watch for your messages. I’m going to be 53 on 7/6. Just coming out of six months of hell after going thru breast cancer surgery and radiation. I’m so depleted. My mind is still mushy from the radiation but trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I’ve been doing this on my own with no real support from this man that I’ve been with for two years. 🥲
Of course you're depleted, Jennifer. Girl, be so proud of yourself for what you've been through just to survive this for you! The guy's another thing - and that you went through this with no real support from him tells you everything you need to know about him!