Our letter today comes from Cyndi, who's wondering what to do when her boyfriend said he needs space to figure things out, and she can't stop thinking about him. Sound familiar?
Here's her letter and my response:
Hi Jane,
My boyfriend asked for some space from the relationship to figure things out. Not contacting him is so so difficult and I’m terrified that he won’t come back. I know I need to take this time to focus on myself but it’s all I’m thinking about right now.
What do I do?
- Cyndi
My Response:
Of course that's all you can think about right now, Cyndi. He's the one who asked for space, not you. You wanted things to keep progressing. You weren't expecting this.
He not only didn't want the same thing you did, he asked for some space. Of course he's all you're thinking about right now!
Yes, you should take this time to focus on yourself and stop thinking about him, but I've been right where you are so many times and I know it's not what we should be doing that we do here, it's what we can't keep ourselves from doing that we actually do; thinking about him.
What's going on with him? What's he thinking about? Is he thinking of me? Is he thinking of someone else? How long does he need? And like you're experiencing right now, the worst possibility - what if he doesn't come back at all?
Since I know what this is like to actually go through it, I'm not going to tell you to focus on your own life right now and get on with your life because you already know that would be the best thing you can do for you.
But knowing that and being able to actually do it, are two very different things.
What you CAN do is change your perspective right now about the whole thing.
First, recognize that this is what he's asking you to do. This isn't anything you have any control over; he's asking for some space from you, from the relationship, from everything. This isn't a choice you can make for him - he's already made it - so don't try to take this on as something you had any control over. It's not yours. It's his.
This has nothing to do with you. That's precisely why it feels so out of control for you and it's why you can't stop thinking about him or what's going on with him or the relationship you've been building with him.
What's really going on here, Cyndi, actually has so much more to do with you feeling the effect of what feels like the familiar abandonment and rejection feeling brings up in you.
Yes, you miss him. And of course you wish he was back with you. But the feeling of this being so out of your control and with you feeling so powerless to do anything about it except wait for him to figure out whatever he needs to figure out, is something that you CAN control.
Here's what you can do.
You can recognize what you're feeling as these feelings come up for you. You can name them - write them down somewhere so they have a place to go rather than staying inside your head - and you can remind yourself of why this is hitting you so hard.
You're terrified of losing him because he seems to be the best you had yet, because it feels like he's the best you're ever going to get, because it's been so nice to have someone - and especially him - in your life for so many reasons.
Pay attention to those reasons. Write them out too. These are real things you're feeling.
Sure, you can reach out to him and tell him to take his time, that you're getting on with your life so not to worry about you. You can post pictures that'll make him jealous that he's sure to see on social media. There are all sorts of games you can play here.
But if he's not ready for the same thing you are, nothing's going to change that for very long.
Playing hard to get only works if you really are hard to get. It only works if you can pull it off because you've found a life of your own - apart from any decision he makes about the two of you - and it's real.
Yes, you miss him. Yes, it would absolutely hurt if part of him figuring himself out means he figures himself right out of your life. But if he decides that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now for all his own reasons, this is his decision and more than anything else it says, it tells you he's not on the same page as you.
The reality, Cyndi, is you don't want anyone who's not on the same page as you. You deserve better than that.
Better than settling for something that’s less than the real thing. Better than settling for someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Because there really is someone out there who will treat you better than that. Someone who’s waiting for you to come along as much as you’re waiting for him.
The irony is that it’s only when we refuse to settle for anything less than we deserve that we find out we don’t have to.
I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
Love,
Jane
What about you? Do you have any thoughts or advice for Cyndi? Tell her in the comments below.
I just want to ditto and totally agree with everything Jane has said! As she has mentioned, it is our choice too what we want for our lives. Men choose what they want as well and it has nothing to do with us.
I struggle with the same things but with her help, am working on and now know that my choice matters and I am worth someone choosing me.
So I’m going to take her advice when I get tempted with those same thought and write out my feelings when they hit and why.
After being ghosted, involved with unavailable men and at times strung along throughout my single journey after a long-time marriage, I struggle with the fear of being abandoned also.
But now, without making it sound super simple (because it’s not!) to retrain the brain - but doable, I just refuse to abandon myself and try and catch myself when my thoughts become all surrounded around him. I believe that they feel that too when we go there in our heads and it pushes them even farther away. Now I just hold onto the belief that if the man I am crazy about is meant for me, everything will work out. And then if not for some reason, I will have the strength to go on because I always have. It’s just that now, I am armed with so much knowledge, love for myself, and tools, thanks to Jane.
Hey Cyndi,
I know this sucks! I have to give your guy a little credit though because he told you the truth and didn’t ghost you.
I think you have to know that you deserve and are worth only the best. This man or any other man would be blessed to have you. You have to own that, repeat that to yourself over and over again until you feel it in your soul.
Make a list of the things that make you happy and go about doing them. I am not saying that this is a perfect solutions and your discomfort will go away over night, but it definitely helps to have a happy, fulfilled life while you are healing from it.
I wish you the best.
How about telling this guy I’m so glad you needed space. So have I. I am thankful you made up your mind for the both of us. And then get busy looking for someone new. Abandonment and rejection sucks. I also have this problem when this happens. I think it’s normal. And my other question would be why did he need the space?
You are right. They haven’t dated someone for over 8 years and finally got brave enough to get a little close to me. But I was texted “I think my solo comfort zone is what works best for me” because they were already predicting conflicting scenarios before/if they ever happened. Cannot deal with stress of any kind. On meds for anxiety and anger issues although I didn’t see any abnormal anger at all. Yet they are still following my Facebook and liked and Instagram.
Maybe when I ignore his birthday this weekend because I went no contact and am trying to move on, they will realize that I am gone...even if in my head I am hurting. I have been gracious, patient, accommodating as far as the anxiety is concerned. I just never received anything as far as effort on his part to get closer to me. The stress of a breakup later keeps him from going further now, as well as some emotional personality issues only counseling could help with, but he will never do.
My guy does this. He just needs time to be him is what he tells me. So I let him be him and go off and do whatever. But he always seems to come back to me. These days are the hardest but I go no contact and wait for him to call.
I have gone through this twice now with the same person. I gave them space they asked for the first time. They begged me back because I was the best thing to happen to them. Now it has happened again.
I think this person’s personal fears and phobias keep them from getting closer even though they know it is what I want. Perhaps a personality disorder of some type . Think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. Panics away from her home. Doesn’t integrate in my life or come to visit me. She says she is selfish, but I think it is a dismissive way to try avoid leaving the house and expanding the relationship with me. She says she can’t pretend not to miss me or care and keeps following me on social media, but she won’t or can’t put effort in things to move the relationship forward.
So, I said goodbye. I didn’t want to, but her emotional deficits seem unintentional, like a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and I am too empathetic trying to work through it and this swing hurts me. I am very sad over it because when the Mr. Hyde personality was present, it was nice.
I am going through this right now after 8 years with same guy and have been so tormented and confused and you have just completely clarified it for me simply so I can understand and take strength from the fact that I am not weak or intolerant because I just can’t take it anymore as it’s too sad and too painful too often . Thankyou soooo much I feel so less alone in my painful decision of ending this relationship for something more stable and balanced and intimate hopefully
Wishing you strength, healing, growth and love💕