We have to talk about your worst fear. I know you've got many, but this one stands out because it's the one that's hurting you the most.
There's too many of us here hanging onto a guy who's already missed all your checkboxes only because you're afraid you'll never meet anyone else as good as him.
This is the absolute worst reason to put up with what you're putting up with right now!
See, there aren't all these people walking around on this planet right now and no one who could possibly be someone for you.
This is one of the biggest lies we've ever been programmed with; that you have to ignore how badly someone is treating you, that you have to minimize and excuse away all those behaviors that you used to say you'd never tolerate, just to avoid being alone.
No, you're not going to be alone forever!
Just temporarily while you get to know yourself and your blind spots better so you'll see more clearly what you couldn't see any earlier this time.
Look at you. You're this incredible catch for someone who can actually see you. This guy obviously can't if this is resonating with you!
You've got this heart of gold and all these other amazing qualities to offer someone who's actually got something more to offer you than just making you part of a couple on his terms.
Let this one go! Haven't you tried enough already? Yes, you'll find someone else.
And the reason you will is because that "someone else" will now actually be able to find you!
No, it's not easy. Simple, yes. Easy, never.
But when you shift your perspective to see how irrational this fear really is - that there couldn't possibly be anyone else compatible with you in a world full of millions and billions of people, and when you see that it's your programming of there only being one perfect person for you, now we can have a conversation about how to actually do this.
Without first seeing your fear for what it is - a combination of perspective and programming - it's hard to get to the next part where you change this and find who and what you're really looking for - and that's the part I can't wait for you to see!
Love,
Jane
Take a minute here and think about your beliefs behind this fear. Why do YOU believe you'll never meet someone as good as this guy who treats you as poorly as he does? Why is this true? Then tell me about it in the comments below.
I feel that I have allowed him to treat me the way that he has, because I am a people pleaser. And unless I change that first I am going to continue on the same path. I also believe that because I don’t get out much I have little chance of meeting someone new. And one for self loving, I am not sure that I am good enough.
In response to your email... I feel that I was settling knowing that he wasn’t the one because the relationship wasn’t GODLY and that’s what I was seeking... a Godly man! Thinking that it would change over time even though things were good between us! Next month, we would have made a year first meeting one another but didn’t commit to the relationship until the latter of August! Everything was peaches and cream until I felt a shift! I was being intimate but was trying to get out of it! The only way I knew how to escape it was through prayer! I ask God... if he wasn’t the one you prepared for me, show me a sign! God did that on yesterday, June 15th! I knew God was leading me into a NEW direction when I decided to take care of myself, love myself more, and spending more time with God through meditating, praying, and reading! I realize that I can’t get mad at God when He moves the WRONG in order for the RIGHT one to come in!
"... until I felt a shift." Yes, Shelia. You knew! And you're right: what we take as a rejection is always for our good. Whether it's God or us, one of us knows the truth!
Hi Jane thank you for your true words. It's all true , I just keep fearing of being alone and never be the same again. From getting hurt. I just seen my ex yesterday , he said the same thing to me , saying he doesn't want a relationship , he doesn't have the same feelings as I do with him. I'm just lost with words and hurting.
And yet, Ingrid, what if this wasn't really about you at all but about his not wanting a relationship, his lack of the ability to have feelings, his stuff, not yours? Could you see him - and yourself AND your hope for the future in a different light then?
I want to hope the future of me and him. But of him telling me that he's not in the same feelings as me and it shows, I know I need to move on , but it's hard. I think about him and his two girls a lot. What could I've done better in our relationship? In the beginning he was a charming gentleman I had ever met. Then he just change. Pulling away acting different towards me. He has his moment when he's overwhelmed with everything.
The reason I'm holding on is because he actually treats me better than I've ever been treated by anyone before. The reason we have been distant from one another is because his ex fiance just passed away and he didn't expect it and it caught him off guard and he's grieving her. Her name also happens to be the same as my nickname Angie which makes it harder for him.
So you're finding out you have your reasons, Anjanette. You negotiate the terms of your relationship with the person you're in one with. There is no right or wrong way to do them. There's only what you both can accept or not, with as much gray as you're willing to deal with in between. Sounds like you're in a better place than you've been before so let him grieve and trust that he'll be back when he's done unless he gives you reason not to. Do you have any reason not to now?
Your right . My only problem is he is a narcissist and has trauma bonded me . Its like im addicted to and i will go to any lengths to see him . This is why i put up with almost any thing from him. I have broke it off countless times just to take him back in 3 to 5 days n its used to last 3 to 5 days but this time only 1 and 1/2 days im hoping that mean im breaking that bond . Staying hopeful .....Penny
Sounds like you're going in the right direction, Penny. Every step matters! Now can you find support for traumatized you in someone else who actually has the capacity to care about you?
My BF is great. He doesn't treat me poorly at all. But I still have the fear you are talking about. I'm 41 and I fear irrationally or not that if this relationship fails not only will I be heartbroken I'll be alone forever. All the good guys are taken.
Don't try to prove yourself right, Shannon. You don't need to. But you've got me curious about what's going on that you would feel like you could lose him. Is this about you or him?
I do have another guy and I know he cares about me a lot but I can’t get the other guy off my mind or out of my heart he rarely even speaks to me but yet he’s all I think about.
So, Beverli, the question becomes do you want the fantasy or reality? What makes the other guy better than the one you're with? Or is that only an illusion, too?
I used to be afraid to never meet Mr Right. But I gave that fear to God. I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and love. I don't have to be looking for anyone. God will bring to my path, the right man for me. I will not waste my life begging someone to love me or to even talk to me. I've learned to love myself and guard my heart..I go for walks and enjoy God's creation. My mind and heart have found peace and I will never allow anyone to take my peace away. My Dad once said that it's better to be alone than with bad company. It's good to be alone, it helps me reflect on my life goals. I get to spend time with God and learn alot of things that he teaches me by his word and Holy Spirit. I don't expect everyone to understand but all I can say is I have peace and I am free from fear.
Your dad was right. ❤
Because he gave me the love I had longed for my entire life, completely unconditional. I had no flaws and no one else (woman) existed to him but me. I gave myself fully without fear and truly trusted him . I gave parts of myself that I would and have never given to another man. I was going to be his wife I want to his wife💜
So where is he now, Jennifer?
Its not that I don't think I will find another guy. Its weird have been together 24 years with 4 kids. Its just hard to walk away.
Do you need to?
I just moved to the area for a new job and my person just decided to call it quits a second time. They were one of the only people I knew here. I feel really beaten up over it. I am sure they would provide advice or help if I asked, but I am so devastated over the being let go once again that I would rather suffer than depend on them to help me.
I'm so sorry, Cheryl. Does it help to look at it not as you being let go once again as if it's some predetermined thing, but to see it as you being saved from getting any more attached to someone who was always going to show you his true colors at some point when your investment would be that much greater?
Why is this our worst fear? Shouldn't our worst fear be ending up in an abusive relationships? Losing ourselves? Sending our time and energy focused on dealing with someone else's baggage? Not having the freedom to be ourselves? Feeling economically burdened? Ending up feeling less than and drained and thus not able to put out positive energy into the world and have meaningful interactions with friends, family, strangers, new acquaintances.
Why has society conditioned us to think that not being married when we die or not being married in our twenties is the biggest problem we can face? I guess because you don't read on someone's tombstone: "miserable and unhappy dealing with verbal abuse and lack of validation that makes her question her own self-worth, not having the freedom to actually pursue her own interests, but loving wife."
Now you're onto something, D. ❤
I'm super clear I deserve better. In fact, I've been alone seven years, rather than put up with less. I woke up and became a person in my mid forties...divorced my abusive ex husband after 20 years and have been working on myself all this time. I've talked to all my important exes, forgiven them, and myself, for the past. I've become financially stable, managed to say no, let the wrong connections go, spot the red flags from space and be strong and happy on my own. I'm really wondering though, deeply honestly wondering, if this is as good as it gets. Is the unsatisfying love I've had previously all there is for me? I'm rarely even remotely attracted to anyone. I'm deeply afraid there ISN'T anyone who actually deserves me. I have lots of love in my life. Maybe I just don't get to have THAT kind?
It's not a get to or don't get to, Stephanie. We all do. Is there room for something in the middle, like maybe what you choose to have? Love to talk more with the woman who became a person in her mid-forties on this!
I'd love to know what you mean by "something in the middle"? I was kind of viewing it as possibly a spiritual or maybe generational issue. Maybe this life is one where my work lies in letting go of the Egoic need for communion? Maybe the radical change in roles and expectations that has taken place over my lifetime means my becoming a person is at the expense of having romantic love? My experience of men has been very bad. Its hard for me to actually imagine a good relationship happening in my life, since all the evidence has been otherwise. I know this is due to my wiring and what I have put up with in the past...but at my age, how realistic is it that I might find someone I would actually want? It would take an awful lot of up front investment for someone to get next to me..and I don't have the strength to filter through all the parasites to find that guy...the one who is willing to make that effort. Unless he falls out of a tree in my path, it seems unlikely.
It's the complexity and depth from which you speak, Stephanie, only to be followed up with words like "parasites" and then that you're "rarely ever even attracted to anyone." Theres a disconnect there. Bitterness - and understandably so, followed by such a beautiful openness and keen sense of awareness. And then there's this - no, not at the expense of romantic love, not just a letting go of something that can be relegated to only coming from the ego. No, it's something else. This may be too deep for now, but I can't help but wonder if there's a place somewhere still to be explored that feels too vulnerable?
I believed everything he told me and then he just disappears
So sorry, Nicole. Don't believe any words that aren't solidly backed up with real actions and consistency over time next time. But I know - we always want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Jane,
I am crying reading this. Yes I am stuck in a 3 months vicious cycle of sadness, of him being distant, of all the try, of all every points you have mentioned in the email. I cannot let go of him. I am afraid I cannot find someone as good as him, when it does not make sense because he never be able to give what I need and says I am a little too handful to ask for time and emotional intimacy. Last year went great. Just a little misunderstanding and then he just said he cannot do it anymore during Covid. The point is not about what we did, but I have given all I have. Love, heart, attention, my self worth everything
My brain told me I am capable, and that there will be someone right there out there. But it is hard to even think of it right now. All in my head, my dream, my routine is him.
In my head is him with another woman, who got it all together, who have all Things I don't have but I cannot even think why is that. I am a good catch and he used to say it. And now I wonder why I am not enough
I cannot move on. It feels as if I am a walking dead with a crushed soul inside. I do not know what to do. I see therapist and he said my self image is not right. That I am intelligent, articulate, emotional depth, intellectual, pretty. But I cannot believe that yet. I cannot believe why such woman like me is not lovable from this person
Your email explains my worst fear. The fear logically I know does not make sense but my heart cannot come to terms with it.
Oh Mildly, I'm feeling every word of your heart here. Our best qualities become our worst ones with the wrong men. This is not about you, it's about him! But every part of your deepest programming is going to tell you it's all about you until you throw that lie off of you, find where you buried yourself, and take back your life for you again. Can you do that with me?
I would love to. Been follow your emails and know what I feel is experienced once by you and many other women around the world. What program would you recommend me in breaking this unhealthy patterns of this?
My signature Beautiful, Radiant, Confident YOU program was written for you! And I'll meet you at the end with a free coaching session I include. You share my heart, Mildly.
Just signed up the program, Jane. Never do stuff like this on the Internet before, considered there are so many people out there claiming they know best. I trust yours and although I admit I cannot let go of him yet but also feel very low about how I am not seem to do it right. He ignores me now. But I caanot ignore myself, can I. Please hold my hand till the end and I will start the week 1 video now. Much love from Bangkok.
Just bought the program, Jane. Will start my first week video today. There are many people out here on Internet claiming with so many courses etc I never believed and doubt it. But I do feel like you understand us, not try to change us, and I thought I felt this alone for a long time, just to know that you also felt the same at one point. Although right now I cannot let him go yet, in my heart still have him, and I cannot imagine future without this person, and I still hold dear to my past when he was the best man I have ever known. From treating me like the luckiest girl to being a cold, distant and ignored me no matter how much I try to change. It is tiring and heartbreaking.
I trust you, and willing to see what the program will help me through. Please hold my hand along the journey, Jane.
It means a lot to me that you answered all of us. Feels real, and loved.
Love from Bangkok.
Oh Mildly, you know I will! The Internet's just the medium through which I get to meet kindred hearts like you. I'd be holding your hand literally if I could! And we can talk before the end of the program if you need to; just let me know and I'll send you the link to my calendar. Love to Bangkok ❤
I haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time. This guy was so sweet, romantic and thoughtful to start out with. I really want to work things out with this guy. Could you tell me if you see a guy named Anthony steppin g up soon and apologizing for what he said and we end up together. Please help me I'm so confused, I really like him and can't get over him no matter what I do
Do you? That's the more important question, Vanessa. Do you see him stepping up soon and apologizing for what he said and you end up together? You know him. You've got a gut instinct about him. Start there.