Ever wondered if you were wasting your time with someone? I hear you. And so does Kim. She wrote to me last week asking for my thoughts on her own situation. I'm sharing them here for her ... and you.
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I have been divorced for 20 years and have dated and the longest relationship I had was 4 years.
My priority was always my daughter and since I had her 90% of the time, dating just didn’t fit into my life. I was enjoying my freedom when I did not have my daughter.
As she got older, I signed up for a dating site. Even though I still didn’t have time to date, it was nice getting the attention and companionship that I was missing. I met some nice men, but my feelings for most of the years were that I did not want an exclusive relationship.
I went on and off different dating sites because I got tired of the same games that were out there and I needed a break. But, would always get drawn back in to try again.
I didn’t have much luck finding genuine men but do think I learned how to weed out a lot of men that did not have good intentions.
I was at a point around the holidays that I was taking a break and not searching for anyone new to meet or get to know. I received a nice email from a guy and I decided to meet him right after Christmas last year.
He is very genuine and has a lot of great qualities that I usually have a hard time finding. He has a great job, owns a home, nice car, doesn’t frequent bars, very clean, generous, romantic and lives close to me.
We agreed not too long after meeting that we would delete our dating site profiles and be exclusive. I was really feeling like he could be the one that I wanted to build a future with.
We went on some dates/dinner but mostly spend one day on the weekend together. We text all week but it’s just basic texting. Good morning/good night/I miss you/I love you/How was your day, and some general texting about what we did during the day, but no serious talks about our feelings and future plans.
A lot of his texts are the exact same ones that I send to him. I say Good Night, sweet dreams and he replies with the same text. I don’t understand because he is the one that always says I love you first when I am with him.
So, I am very confused about what he is looking for.
I know that he likes his space and works a lot but I am not feeling like he truly loves me because I do not feel like we are growing. He always asks me how I am doing financially and gives me money without asking so that is confusing to me too.
Should I assume that he does not want a relationship or could he be happy with the time that we share? I think I deserve more.
Thank you for reading.
-Kim
My Response:
That's exactly it, Kim. He's happy with the time you share. What you have right now is what he wants. Exactly like this.
What's he's looking for is actually quite clear because it's very simple. It's what you have right now. There is no plan for growth that's going to come from him.
The reason why he's always the one who says I love you first when you're with him is because this is what he equates with love. This is what he calls love. For you, it seems monotonous and simple. But for him, this is love!
He didn't read all the fairytales, he didn't get caught up in the love stories and romantic movies that told him love is supposed to look and feel a certain way. That's what we did. But he didn't.
His version is simple.
Someone who allows him to have his space, someone who lets him show his love by taking care of you financially. Someone who is there about once a week on the weekends and engages in some basic messages during the week.
You, on the other hand - like most of us! - have a hard time believing it can be love if it isn't going somewhere. Or at the bare minimum, if there's no talk about plans for the future and where it's going.
The bigger question that needs to be answered here is whether or not the two of you are on close enough pages to keep moving forward without, well, moving forward.
I've seen a lot of men like him, Kim. Simple, uncomplicated, and utterly clueless as to what we're going through! What you have in front of you right now, this is as much as he's capable of giving you for now. And that's not necessarily a bad thing if he's dependable, reliable and predictable. Those things matter, too!
Will it change? Will he be capable of more? We can't know for sure, but I do know that for as many men as there are who aren't capable of initiating more, there are some men who will at least respond positively to YOU wanting more at some point down the road.
I wrote a post awhile back about the story of a long-time friend of my husband's who finally decided he was ready for no apparent reason other than he decided he was. I've also worked with several woman who were able to navigate their way around these men to find a balance that worked for them.
But how you handle this matters, and what you do with him matters because if you can't live with the way he is, and if you resent him and believe he's doing this on purpose, that's going to affect every part of your relationship in a negative way.
He's happy with how things are. He's content with what your relationship is right now. The question is, can you be?
Can you accept him for who he is and for what you have right now, and leave the future in a wait-and-see approach where you can decide for yourself how you want to approach him as you go along? Because the reality is, if you need an answer right now, still as early as it is, men like this can rarely give you the one you want to hear.
Not because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't know. And not knowing now, versus still not knowing once more time as passed, are two different things.
I know that might feel like a lot to answer, and that's okay. I just want you to have your eyes open to what might not be wrong and what be more of what's right.
I don't want you to settle, I don't want any of us to feel like we're with someone who's giving us less than we deserve. But there's a difference between feeling like we deserve more because we've been sold a fantasy about what love is supposed to feel like and feeling like you deserve more because it's your intuitive self looking out for you.
That's what I care about for you most of all, Kim. To know that difference. And to know yourself well enough to know what you can live with, and what you absolutely can't.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
I've heard from many women just like Kim before. If you've been here or have some words of advice for her about what she should do, tell her in the comments below.
Met online and dated a guy for almost 5 months. He was widowed for 9 months (after a 24 year marriage) when I met him online. At 3 months we started saying we loved each other and became physically intimate. At about 4.5 months I had a gut feeling and went back onto the dating site and saw that he was still on it. He said he felt ashamed. I thought maybe he was looking for his wife. He obviously has more grief work to do than he ever let on with me. I am his first ever date and girlfriend since his wife died. It hurt that he was still looking for something better or different than me but professing his love for me often and daily. Since he felt like we were at a 50-50 point with me at 5 months and because he was not truthful and equitable about telling me he was still looking , I told him I needed to end things and did. I cannot be in love dating a man while going back on the dating site looking for someone else. I do not think that would be fair to the next man I met. I am 60 years old and he is 62 yo. I am still heartbroken and should have guarded my heart better. I had not been dating for 12 years because I was raising my grandson so I was very naive and actually I am embarrassed too about the whole fiasco. Girls, we are never too old to learn lessons but also I can be proud that at least my heart was still able to risk and love. Any advice or thoughts? Would you have given him more time after he was still looking for better?
I don’t think he was looking for “better,” but I think the timing was all wrong for him. 9 months is not very long at all for many people, especially after such a long marriage. He probably would have been better off not dating yet, but I imagine he is lonely, at a loss, and perhaps wanting a distraction but also yearning to feel hope about the future.
If he was going to date, he probably should have just casually dated a bit but that too can seem overwhelming and it likely felt reassuring to get in a routine with one person again. He obviously felt some level of comfort with you like he did his wife.
You didn’t do anything wrong and it is NOT at all about whether you are good enough etc. And it also is not about continuing to see him/giving him more time.
It sounds like he may have a lot to go through before he can truly be serious boyfriend material.
Also, for many people, the first person they date after a divorce or death is not the one they stay with long term. It doesn’t matter how fabulous or perfect the first person they date is. Instead, it is all about timing, about healing a little, putting one’s toes back in the water, and then about more healing. Let him go (and perhaps you will hear from him again in a year). In the meantime, you are one step closer to meeting the partner for you. And you are free to meet someone who is just as ready as you are for a relationship.
Because of my unwillingness to wait I lost the love of my life. He’s a great guy. He just wasn’t ready to give me what I have been wanting. After 9 years of dating off an on I finally decided to leave. I figured once he’s ready he might come find me but I don’t know if I’ll be ready then or available. It’s sad because we could’ve had a beautiful life together if our expectations weren’t so high.
I am in the Same situation with a man I've known for two years!! We became friends online & then I had too fall in Love with him, after 11/2 yrs!!! I told him & things seem diff. He told me he just wants to keep going like we are & get to know more about one another!! We live 3 hrs apart!
That's just great for him. The question is what about you. Everyone need to be about thriving for their own personal sake. This might mean doing so for self.
Hey Kim,
If you met right after Christmas last year, then you might mean it was right before 2020, but maybe you mean right before 2019. Either way, I would not personally be satisfied spending only one day a week together, then just basic texts throughout the week that don't go very deep. I think it would be hard to get to know someone that way. Since you don't feel like the relationship is growing, then whether you've been together 4 months or 16 months - either way, I can see why you are feeling dissatisfied. Even if he's not ready to talk about the future, I think there should still be more conversations going on during the week that help you two get to know each other better.
What I would do in this situation: I would let him know, first, all the good qualities I appreciate in him. Then I would tell him that I don't feel like we are getting to know each other better and don't feel that our relationship is growing deeper. Then I would ask for his thoughts and feedback. I wouldn't even need to mention the future, just my present feelings, that I find myself wishing we could grow closer. It would be really interesting to see what he says in response. I am sure what he says in response will help you know more about the nature of this relationship. It could help the relationship grow deeper. You being more vulnerable could lead to him being more vulnerable. Or it could reveal that you want something deeper than he can give. Either way, you find out more of the truth.
Love this advice!!
On point. I'll put this one in my pocket for now. Certain it will come in handy personally. Listen up you all.
I couldn’t tell for sure how long you two been seeing each other? If it has only been 4-8 months, then I would give him a little more time unless there are other issues?
When my husband and I met, he was definitely more in the moment versus looking ahead. He also barely text as he could not stand the phone (something we later worked out ).
I also discovered that time passed differently for him. I recall how our 6 month anniversary from meeting fell on Valentine’s Day. Well, you can imagine the build-up I gave that in my mind and I sent him the cutest card with a tiny box of those candy hearts with sayings on them. He sent ... nothing.
We text a couple times that day but he said nothing about Valentine’s day or my gift. Finally, at the end of the day, I text Happy Valentine’s Day. And that led to an interesting conversation with a semi-bewildered man.
It turned out, to him, our “relationship” was simply still in the beginning stages. He didn’t think 6 months was a number of particular significance (or actually didn’t even realize that it had been 6 months) and he didn’t like Valentine’s Day bc it is so commercialized (another thing we later worked out).
I also recall it wasn’t until we hit 7 months that he referred to me as his girlfriend. And it wasn’t until 9.5 months that he mentioned he felt there was long term potential here.
Never mind that we each took our profiles off the dating site at month 2 (his idea).
But by then, I had noticed he was hard-working, steady, true, didn’t go to clubs, could handle time alone, helped others a lot, kept his word, didn’t play games, remembered an unbelievable amount of what I said, and ... only ever said/did anything once he knew could 100% follow through.
And so we continued on and he continued to move forward extremely slowly but ... once he moved forward, I knew he meant it.
And then, almost two years after we first met, he proposed
(which was about 7-9 months earlier than I thought he might given how slow he was moving; and to
my surprise, I later learned that he had made his decision about 4 months before he proposed; so he was actually ready a year earlier than I thought he would be).
This is a super long comment but I guess if the only issue is that everything is great except you two are not yet moving forward and/or he hasn’t indicated where this is going AND it has only been 4-8 months, it might be worth waiting to see what he does next. I think we women can be ready as early as 4 months to commit /for declarations, but for some men those same feelings don’t crystallize into thoughts /words/actions until later.
But if there are red flags, like he regularly doesn’t call when he says he will, the burden of dating falls on you (you travel
more for the dates than he does or he contacts you last minute to make the dates), he doesn’t seem to listen to a word you say, some things re his life/work/timing don’t seem to add up or he seems to have trouble being open or telling the truth, he drinks a lot often/does drugs, he has issues with money or anything else that hints he is rash or irresponsible, he often is an angry or complaining person, or he puts others down a lot, that all is a different story.
But just to clarify, I had set dates in my head along the way to check in with myself to see if we were still progressing (though slowly) to where I wanted to end up.
In fact, if he had not proposed 7-9 months later than he did, I would have ended it.
He did not know this except he did know I had only gone online bc I was curious to see if marriage was in the cards for me, that I wasn’t interested in ending up in a long term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (would rather then invest the time in myself, family, friends, volunteer work, and travel).
Yes Kim. 11 years. Confusion ...wondering if I’m wasting my time..yes I did. I was unable to accept it but stayed. It wasn’t terrible but not good enough for a committed stable secure loving relationship unfortunately.
Give yourself a waiting deadline if you’d like but the questioning doesn’t go away until the relationship collapses. I wish I recognized that earlier. But by then.. it’s a habit. You’re not in you’re not out. I say if that’s what you’re looking for .. get out.
Kim, If you are saying you two have just been dating for just five months, it may be too soon for him to decide if he wants to "grow" this relationship, or if so, by how much. I have learned from others that the first three months or so, no matter what sweet words a man says, can be the "shaky" time when you are just getting to know each other and the endorphins are really "popping". He seems to have a lot of good qualities? So just have fun, and give it more time, if you have a physical and emotional attraction for him.
Your relationship sounds very much like mine! We met almost 3 years ago now and sometimes I feel like I deserve more than he can give me. My boyfriend is self admittedly not very good at the emotional stuff and never knows what to do if I'm upset or having a hard time. He will basically run away if I'm upset or not feeling well because he doesn't know what to do. It gets to me because I feel I deserve someone who will support me and be there for me when I struggle in life and he really isn't. Or he will sit there looking awkward until I tell him what to do! On the other hand he has helped me financially in a year I had to study full time with no questions or obligations. He will fix things for me and offer practical help gladly because thats what he knows how to do. I am at a point now where I dont know if hes really the one for me. I care about him, I'm not unhappy, but he isn't fulfilling all of my needs and I cant keep telling him what I need him to do. I told him I like getting my hair played with and now he'll do that all night long because he wants to give me what I need, but I feel like if I was with the right person I wouldn't have to constantly say what I want. Particularly when things are hard. My father was recently seriously ill in hospital and he basically just made excuses not to come over saying he'd let me relax on my own etc. I told him I felt like I needed support and he just stayed away. I dont know if thats a true partnership in my view. There have been issues with him drinking too much which he says he now has under control above all this. I just dont know what to do. He is a good man, but is he the right man? I just dont know and I'm struggling to decide
hi Nicola!
I just went through a very difficult break up. Most of my difficulties were because he is a very good person. Until a friend of mine said: "Just being a good person is not enough". Of course there are good things, otherwise you wouldn't be in this relationship to begin with! It took me a long time to see clearly what I wanted and after a month or so I am now in peace that I made the right decision. Take your time. It can be really confusing. If possible talk to someone about it. Talking to more experienced people can really help!
Hi, Kim’s story did resonate with me on some level. I have been seeing a lovely man for 16 months but usually only once every 10 days or once a fortnight. He’s married..eek, but lives a separate life but share the same home for financial reasons . He tells me he loves me,that he’s my man and does thoughtful romantic things, gestures. He’s also 7 years younger.. I’m 64. Although most people think I’m about 50. I have the feeling he’s a dreamer, says he’s working on a book/ screenplay that will bring him the financial success he wants. I’m financially independent. We have been exclusive so far but to be honest I have another nice guy who is interested in me who is fully available. I feel such a strong emotional and sexual attraction With my current guy that I haven’t explored this other possibility fully. Just keeping the other man on a friendship basis for now. I don’t want to be with 2 at the same time. I just feel at a crossroad because I don’t know if I can see him ever actually moving on from his situation. I have an intuitive feeling he’s got it pretty good so will live with the status quo. I have to ask myself, don’t I deserve more? I’d like more. He’s the first one I’ve been in an intimate relationship with for 20+ years. I guess I’m in the wait and see mode. A bit like Kim? So to sum up, yes, I wonder if I’m wasting my time.
Hi Vanessa, I think 16 months is a good time to get to know someone... If your gut feeling says he's not moving on from living with his wife, I would trust it. And he's still married to her? You do deserve more. I would talk to him, let him know you are not at all comfortable with him living like this. Check if you see any movement from him. Let him be afraid to loose you, maybe he'll do sometinhg. If not, then you have more information to make a decision.
He says he is nearly finished a book and screenplay and has connections to get it happening and then he’ll have the financial freedom to move on.I have a feeling he tries hard to better himself but could be procrastinating for a long time. I think he’s probably a dreamer. I have a strong feeling I’ll be moving on, albeit a little reluctantly. I think he’s been a part of a necessary journey but there is a fork in the road ahead. I’ll be bored with the stagnation. Thanks for your advice.
Go for the other guy who is a nice guy and available.
Yes probably the most sensible option in future. I’ve only seen him twice before Covid and we haven’t been able to see each other since. He talks to me on messenger regularly and seems a really. lovely man very thoughtful, generous and similar interests, lifestyle. Very kind. Doesn’t hurt that he’s interesting and handsome too. Definitely worth exploring further with him.. thanks I appreciate your advice.
. I have to wait for Covid restrictions to change we live a distance apart. Definitely would be nice to get to know him more. Thanks for the advice, cheers.
I have to say Vanessa this other guy is sounding more and more interesting!
Thanks EC. I’m keeping that option open , definitely. Cheers.