I'm So Confused!

Our letter this week comes from one of our beautiful subscribers, Angela, who finds herself confused over the hot and cold behavior of her boyfriend of two months.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been seeing a man for almost 2 months. He is a truck driver and is on the road a lot. He has 2 children; one is much older (an adult), the other is young son. He sees him every other weekend.

In the beginning we spent hours and hours a day on the phone. Talking about everything imaginable. Things from our childhoods (both good and horrible things). We talked about past relationships and divorces. We talked  about our children and things they are into and things we do with them as a family.

We talked about sexual things and sent risqué pictures to each other. We would say we miss each other, can't wait to see each other, and give compliments on each other's pictures and how beautiful we think each other is.

We also sent regular pictures such as places he was driving through and things our kids were doing. Pictures of just our faces.

Like I said, he has his younger son every other weekend. The opposite weekends he comes to see me. We stay together the entire weekend. We always have a great time together.

The last time he was here was completely amazing. He is always very attentive, affectionate, loving, kind, and full of humor when he is here. He makes me feel like I'm the only one around while still being his usual outgoing life of the party self.

It's once he leaves and we are not the phone that he seems to be distant and not as into me as he used to be over the phone and still is in person. It's so confusing to me because of how we started off and how he still is when we are together.

In addition, he does still say sweet and flirty things every so often but then the next sentence he's off again. He also either completely ignores, changes the subject, or gets off the phone anytime I try to talk about these things or other topics that pertain to feelings and emotions.

One time he did say that it takes a long time for him to open up. I totally understand that. I can be patient but it's the hot and cold stuff that is confusing me.

He told me that he likes me a lot and enjoys spending time with me. However with the way he switches back and forth has me a bit concerned.

Am I being over sensitive and reading too much into it? Should  I walk away (I absolutely do not want to do this I have very strong and deep feelings for him) or should  I calm down and see what happens in the next few weeks?

PS: Next weekend is a weekend he should come see me but has given no indication that he will be coming. I can't ask him if he plans to because he gets very frustrated when I do. He says its because in his line of work things could change, such a truck break down or something.

Please give advice!!!!!!!

-Angela

My Response:

Don't calm down, Angela. Don't walk away. Don't put this on you being overly sensitive or reading too much into it.

Instead, give yourself a reality check.

It's only been two months.

Everything you're learning about him is information. That's all.

It's not personal. It's not about you. It's not about there being something wrong with you.

You're learning valuable clues to who he really is.

Stay right there.

This is the learning about him phase, just like he's learning about you. You're trying to decide whether the two of you are compatible, and nothing more right now.

Yes, you're obviously attracted to him, you have feelings already for him, but the most important thing you need to know is whether or not the two of you are compatible in all the ways that matter the most to you.

Sure, he's doing his own compatibility check in his own way, but we're not him and we don't control him, so we're not worrying about that. We're focused on what you want and what you value and whether he's showing enough of that for you to decide he's worth your time and energy.

All these pieces of information are important.

So when you say he changes the subject or goes quiet if you talk about feelings or what's going on with the two of you; rather than taking that personally and feeling it's a slight or that there's something wrong with you for wanting to talk about those things or you said too much too soon, see his response instead as one of those important pieces of information.

If he can't talk about feelings, is that a deal-breaker for you or do you need more information before it becomes one?

Same with when you say you can't ask him to confirm plans about his normal weekend with you without him becoming very frustrated with you. If you can't ask for that commitment or confirmation so you can plan your weekend (because yes, you have a life, too!), is that enough for you?

Can you live with that if that's who he is? Or again, do you need more information and then how much more and what kind of information do you need?

You get to know someone through the types of behavior they show you and the consistency with which they show it. So the more consistently he displays this kind of behavior, the more you're forming a reality-based opinion of who this guy really is and how he acts.

This is so important so you don't lose sight of the whole point of dating; getting to know who someone is and whether they're on the same page as you!

Slow down. Take this all in.

It's such valuable information to who he really is that you can't yet know at only two months. If it's going to be the greatest relationship of a lifetime, you're going to find that out, but slowly, not by rushing in or getting ahead of yourself.

Take your time!

And remember, you're doing the choosing here. If he's not compatible for you in all the ways that matter, you need to know sooner rather than later, and not when you've introduced him to your kids and your heart is on the line. We're done with doing that. We're doing the choosing now!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Been here? Have something to add? Tell Angela in the comments below!