You know all those things you don't do? All those opportunities you don't take? All those times your fear of saying the wrong thing or coming across as too forward, too desperate or too needy hold you back from saying anything at all?
There's a reason we don't act. There's a reason we don't take our chances. There's a reason our fears around coming across in a less than perfect way keeps us from saying or doing anything at all.
I had a call this week with a woman who needed help figuring out how to find out if a guy she's been on a few dates with is for real, or not.
She discovered he may have some questionable history and yet he's not acting like he's got anything to hide. She's so conflicted about what to say and how to say it, she's not sure if she even wants to go out with him again. But she needs more information before she makes any decision.
So we're working on a new mindset.
What if she has nothing to lose?
What if he's either available or he's not, he's either interested or he's not?
What if we focus on having nothing to lose because you actually don't have anything to lose if he's not on the same page as you. And you still have nothing to lose even if he is on that page but doesn't have any room for real, imperfect, not always saying the right thing or coming across in the perfect way like you think you have to do?
This is how many of the women I work with meet their significant others and it's how I met my husband, too.
I'd already met him once before, when we both weren't ready, so when our paths crossed a second time over a year later, I was done with being concerned about being so perfect in everything I did and said. I had finally figured out that I actually didn't have anything to lose - except myself!
What a difference!
When it doesn't matter, the real you comes out. When you have nothing to lose, the fear dissipates. When you realize scarcity is a social construct that's been used forever to control you, you realize every day is an opportunity to see what the Universe/God/whatever you believe in has for you.
Don't underestimate the power of you realizing you're far more important than some guy you don't even know yet. You don't even know yet if he's worth giving a second thought about, let alone devoting this much time and attention to.
Nothing to lose, Beautiful. Everything to gain. In love, in life, in everything.
It's only those outdated fears and beliefs about who we have to be before we can show up that tell us otherwise. When we can see those for what they are, they lose their power over us. When they lose their power, we find ourselves more able to come out and play, to relax and go with the flow instead of fighting everything in our attempts to gain control over the very things we've been so programmed to fear.
It doesn't have to be the way it's always been. There's always room for a new belief system, replacing old conditioning with the power of recognizing how different your view can be when you realize you have a choice, and trading in old fears for a healthy dose of curiosity.
After all, what have you got to lose?
Love,
Jane
How about you? What keeps you from living your life like you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by being more of you, not less of you? You bet it's understandable that you feel this way. But does it serve you? Share what it is you're holding onto in the comments below!
The guy I had been seeing for about 4 months has pulled back since my ex husband feels the need to get involved in my personal business. He has reached out to him via Facebook messenger and the final straw was when he approached him at his place of employment. While I understand and I am 100% on the same page with him about how inappropriate what my ex did, I had / have no control over my ex. I have true feelings for this guy, that I have expressed to him and I am very disappointed he no longer wants to see me. I feel that if I continue reaching out to him that I seem desperate and that is the last thing that I want to do. He does not initiate contact with me but will engage in brief conversation if I initiate.I guess I just want him to see that I am worth the effort! Any advise?
You are always worth the effort, Sara, don't confuse the two. It just sounds like he doesn't want to deal with an ex-husband who crosses boundaries like this. That's a lot if he's not up for that. Don't take it personally. Let him know how upsetting it is for you, too, but let him know you understand where he's coming from to. The less you take this personally, the more you allow the best of you to shine through!
I loved what I just read! This super nice, shy, guy (in his 50s) has ghosted me, also did last year, but we were closer this year. Counselor said move on. I can't. I said i would never "fail" my friend. He says I can never say wrong things to him. So i feel i have nothing to lose if text his phone like he says I can. Hard not getting response, but is okay to send my thoughts? Counselor would say no, but sounds like you would be okay with it? I care SO DEEPLY for this guy and want him to continue in my life! He admitted not wanting to end up alone! Lacks self-confidence. A gorgeous-looking man, too! Thank you.
I hear you, Lisa. I've been here myself so many times and walked through this on the other side as well. Your counselor means well - and yes, she's right because we DO need to move on. But you are also right when you say you can't. Of course you can't. There's more information you need before you can make that decision to move on! What she sees isn't what you're living through so you can't see it through her or anyone else's eyes. That's exactly why I wrote this other post because I understand this and once you do, you'll see your options with less of the shame-based view looking at someone else says you need to do - and more through the eyes of someone who's not there yet, but just needs the information to make this so much clearer for you! It's the advice you won't hear anywhere else and there's a reason you won't hear it anywhere else; if you haven't lived through this, walked through this, been right where you are, you can't understand it. That's why I believe this so strongly for those of us who can't yet move on. It has to come from you!