When you don't know exactly what you want, when you don't know exactly what you're worth, when you don't know exactly what you deserve, you get exactly that.
A little of this, a little of that, but never what you're actually looking for - and what you actually want - underneath it all.
When you say "I'll see what I like, I'll see what I want", that's when you get EVERYTHING because now you're going to need to narrow it down.
Because the reality is, you actually do have preferences. You actually do have behaviors you won't tolerate.
That's why you're getting the ones you do, because if you don't first have that inner clarity, you're going to get a chance to find it - and that's usually not what we want, but it's what we get because it's what we need.
Sorting through is this process we're in.
Will you accept this? No, then how about this? Still not right? Ok, what about this?
Where are those boundaries you've never allowed yourself to have? The faster you go through this process, the more clarity you're going to have to get to what you actually want!
I used to be so easygoing.
I still am, but authentically now. I know my boundaries. I know where I stand. And more importantly, I know exactly where I stand on the things that matter the most to me.
Before, I was easygoing because that's what I was encouraged to be and it was a quality that was so positively reinforced in me. So when it came to the guy I was looking for, I just said, tall, good hair, confident, strong (before I knew what real strength actually was), and financially secure.
To quote my high school yearbook "Tall, rich, and knows how to dress." And that's exactly what I got.
Clarity on those things, absolutely no clarity on things that actually mattered like character, and values and integrity. That those things are what I truly wanted I had to learn through trial and error - and yeah, so much heartbreak in the process.
If you don't have clarity to begin with, you're absolutely going to get it, even if you don't want it or don't think you need it.
"I'll just see who shows up", isn't enough unless you're signing up to do the sorting and eliminating work firsthand.
That's why I get you. I've been there, I've done that, from my dream jobs at the Justice Institute of BC surrounded by all the testosterone and well-dressed uniformed men to last me a lifetime, to the upper echelons of the venture capital and private equity industries' power and money allure in a role I couldn't have imagined if I'd tried.
These were the men and the environments I thought I wanted. Lessons learned the hard way gave me the reality check and the clarity I never knew I needed.
Until I did.
Clarity. Not just a buzz word or a cliché. This is how you create - and get - exactly what you're looking for!
You're the one I've been waiting to hear from! If this clarity process seems too long, too painful and too impossible to believe, you're exactly who I have in mind today. What part resonates most with your journey? Share it with us in the comments below. There's no need to go through this alone!
54. Got involved fast and furious with a man not fully available, especially emotionally. Wake up call for me to get clear on what I really want and deserve and try to make peace with the issues underneath this attraction. Hard, messy process.
Oh Deborah, is it ever anything but? Fast and furious is what they do best because they know they can't sustain in and it's all they've got until it fizzles out. The hardest part is this part - sorting out those issues underneath, but they're going to give you so much information and clarity in the process, however hard and messy and painful it is to go through.
GM Jane
Everything you write seems to be as if you know me. Each and every sceniro is different yet applys to the path that has gotten me where I am today. To go back to the root of where it all started..we would need a 100 years. Long story short..my father who was a police officer left when I was 5..my mother married an abusive alcoholic and stayed till I was 16. That stepfather told me daily how gross I was. Eventually you believe it. So fast forward..I dated guys who all had dependency problems yet were extremely successful or were emotionally detached. After years of being a SAHM caring for everyone but me..I have lost me and now long to have the courage to become a Flight Attendant and move past the man I told you about who again made me feel like that gross little girl. I know I need to find me first and figure me out before I find anyone who is healthy. I always looked for the guys in uniform..probably a daddy thing being a police..or the Adonis guy. None of them worked because emotionally they didn't give me what I craved. Where do I start? Im so scared of everything and put restrictions to move forward out of fear. No confidence and what is the point when you feel like a failure?
The point, Donna, is you. You're the reason. The rest of your life is the reason. How my heart breaks for that little girl who was given such irresponsible messages as you were! You didn't deserve any of that. But of course you believe it. They're supposed to know best - or at least we've been programmed to believe some adult some authority must know better than we do. And now you can see how you've shifted the pattern from your father or step father to the men you look for to validate you. They're no more capable of that then your father and stepfather were. You're connecting the dots and that's more of a start to change this than many of us have. What is the smallest step forward you can manage right now that doesn't tap into your fears? Start there. Start small. We have to tackle the smallest things first before we can get to the bigger things. Imagine yourself with a different beginning, with different parents, with people who actually showed you real, unconditional love, who supported you, who mentored you, who gave you wings to fly but were there with the strong loving roots to provide you with a foundation as well. Imagine who you would be if that were you. Imagine you're surrounded by a group of people cheering you on, accepting you right where you are with all your fears, telling you there's nothing to be ashamed of because we're all human with early messages to overcome. What could you do then, with them behind you, backing you, celebrating your smallest victories with you? That you're even here to see this, Donna, is a huge step. Don't minimize that. Don't get overwhelmed in the details. One thing, one tiny step forward in a direction you feel calling you. One step at a time.