Our letter this week comes from beautiful Dawn, who says her boyfriend doesn't want to call or text her.
Here's her letter:
Jane,
So my boyfriend will talk to me in person but never messages me or starts the conversation, and when I dont text him he get worried, but he says he doesn't like talking on the phone or texting.
And when I want to plan something with him I can never get a hold of him long enough to ask what we should do together - I mostly get hung up on in the first minute of talking, or he puts himself on mute so I can't hear him.
How can I fix this issue, if possible, or cope with it?
-Dawn
My response:
Dear Dawn,
I'm so glad you reached out to me.
When you're in it, it's hard to have an outside perspective, so I hope this is going to be eye-opening for you.
You call him your boyfriend. So my obvious first question is what makes him your boyfriend?
What actions, what behaviors on his part give you reason to believe he's your boyfriend? Because if the bar you've set for what it means to be in a relationship with someone is so low that this kind of non-communication and lack of participation still counts as a relationship to you, then I think you need to re-consider your definition of boyfriend.
Is it okay with you that he never messages you or starts the conversation? And that he doesn't like talking on the phone or texting?
And that when you want to plan something with him, you can never get a hold of him long enought to ask what you should do together? And that he hangs up on your in the first minute of talking? And that he puts himself on mute so you can't hear him?
Honestly, I'm really having a hard time here figuring out why you're with him.
Clearly, this isn't okay with you on some level as you're reaching out for some advice.
I would offer to you that this isn't normal boyfriend behavior. This isn't even "friend" behavior. This isn't even acquaintance behavior. This is about what you'd expect from someone who really doesn't want to have anything much to do with you except in name only.
To be clear, this isn't because you're not good enough or whatever else to deserve better from him; this is about him. But you are allowing him to treat you like this by maintaining a relationship on these kinds of terms.
Now let's talk coping with it.
If you want something to change, you have to let him know you're not okay with this. Without being able to have a back and forth conversation with you, I don't know if you've already tried this before or what you have tried. But having a beginning conversation with him is important because it gives him a chance to hear directly from you that this isn't working for you and what you want from him.
It gives him an opportunity to change it, to give him the benefit of the doubt (which, honestly, in this case is a stretch at best), and to show you he cares enough to even be willing to. It tells him what needs to change if you are to continue calling him your boyfriend and being in a relationship with him.
Use "I" statements, telling him something along the lines of "I care about you, I like you, I want to be with you, but also know I want to be with someone who communicates with me, who initiates contact with me, who doesn't hang up on me, who doesn't mute himself when I'm talking to him, who shows me by the effort he puts into our relationship that he actually wants to be here with me. If you're not in this with me, if what I'm telling you I'm looking for in a relationship with you isn't something you want to, then I need to know that from you." Put in your words, but this if the tone you're going for. Clarity, and owning that clarity. If you're the prize, if you're worth a real relationship with someone who thinks the world of you, how do you say this to him? If you're not afraid to find out the truth from him, to save yourself greater heartbreak in the long run, what would you say?
I'm going to hope that this is going to be the turning point in your relationship and he starts contributing and communicating more and the old behaviors begin to change. Maybe not overnight, but enough for you to see a shift and effort. But if it isn't, if nothing changes after communicating this with him, then it's pretty clear he's showing you who he is, what he's capable of, what he's willing to do to make this relationship work, and what he isn't.
Then you have a choice.
You accept him for who he is and know that you're choosing to be with him in spite of what he hasn't shown you he's capable of changing.
Or you don't.
You recognize you deserve more, you step back far enough to see that whatever you're getting from him, the reality of how little he offers you in return is the point here.
The thing about relationships like this is that you can only cope with his behavior if you can excuse it, overlook it, or put it into some kind of perspective that enables you to. But once you can't do that anymore - or if you can't do that at all in the first place, this isn't going to work anymore.
That's your reality.
You can't live with - or cope with - something that doesn't sit right with you, Dawn, something that you know in your heart of hearts isn't right for you, something you're trying to make work that isn't working. None of us can!
We can never lie to ourselves.
My best advice here to you?
If you haven't already, have that talk with him to let him know where you're coming from and what you're looking for. Regardless of the outcome, at least you'll know you tried. The fact that you're writing to me at all, tells me there's something here you want to try to salvage. Based on his response, show him with your actions that you deserve more and won't accept this. Back up your words with consistent actions so there's no misunderstanding about what you want - and deserve to have in a relationship!
That matters more than anything he does or doesn't do, because ultimately you can't change him, you can only change what you choose to do in response to him.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Do you have any other thoughts you'd like to share with our beautiful friend, Dawn? Share them with her and the rest of us in the comments below!
There is no relationship here my dear, this guy have no respect for you. You sound like a good woman with a good heart, You deserve someone who will treat you right. He is not a man but a boy, grown up men don`t behave like this. Please walk away while it`s still early. All the best.
Dawn: Please remember, YOU are the PRIZE! This post is a bit long, but I hope there's something in my story to inspire you.
I dropped my daughter off at college, and after being divorced for ten years, i decided it's my time, now. I am old enough to look back with compassion on myself as a younger woman. What did I do wrong, and how can I do it right, now? Well, I knew one thing, I failed to VALUE MYSELF enough, when I was younger. As I look back, I see I was THE PRIZE, and I failed to see that, so I didn't act like it, and that is what led to my failure to attract the right man: that's my belief. Jane's writing helped back me up in this conviction. I believe she is spot-on about not getting too close with a man until you are SURE he is the one. I can't say I always behaved that way in my youth. That's an understatement.
So here i was, in great shape, looking good, and THIS time, determined to focus on ME, just like Jane says, in so many ways. I wrote a listing on an on-line service. I accepted about 8 coffee dates. Each time, I was careful to take care of MYSELF, dress well, and find my center, trying to always prioritize the thought that I am the prize, and i was NOT man-hunting. These outings were enjoyable, as I was determined to enjoy meeting a new person, and to avoid thinking that I was failing in any way. These guys were LUCKY to get an hour with me!! What a revelation my new perspective allowed! I was able to meet these men for coffee, and just enjoy who they are. If a particular gentleman treated me with disrespect, I SAW it! I did not excuse it, and it didn't even bother me! I just decided that this man was not the man for me. If a man was self-centered and apparently not interested in me, well then, it was a phenomenon to observe, and not a problem at all. If we were just on different pages, and too different, well then what a fun hour it was, learning about someone with whom I have nothing in common!
This went on for a few months, and I have to admit, I was getting discouraged: I'm not in a big city, with a large population. I decided to amend my profile. I was already pretty specific about wanting a man with a certain level of education because I'm more comfortable with educated people. This time, I was truly open about my spiritual beliefs, and the fact that I wanted a man would accept me exactly as I am, beliefs and all.
Then someone invited me to dinner: he was visiting the area on business, lives 2 hours away. We met for dinner, and he seemed truly interested in me, asked lots of questions, gave thoughtful responses, and again steered the conversation to me. The dinner lasted three hours. Sure, I'll talk about myself for three hours! I had already made plans for several weekends thereafter, a sporting event, and a charity event, and we couldn't get together for over three weeks. In our subsequent dates I guess I was a bit flirtatious in that I would hold his arm, or sit closely next to him but I knew I was not going to let him get too close until I was ready. After several more-that-perfect dates, including the one where he came over and fixed a bunch of things in my house, he wanted to make out, which I did a bit: but I told him about my determination to NOT have sex with any man until we were actually committed to each other. Well, that seemed to do it. He told me about all the women he'd dated who wanted to jump into bed with him, and how that was a total turn-off, as well as a red flag, as he's well off. He is a widower, and had over 20 years of marriage to a woman who, it took me months to discover, treated him disrespectfully and was extremely critical of him.
I always let him initiate communications, I always let him call first. I was NOT going to chase this man in any way. I AM THE PRIZE!!!!
Skip to: It took only three months to be totally committed to each other. Yes, and start having sex, which is totally different from anything in my experience, I suppose because: this man actually loves me! He accepts me exactly as I am. I love and accept him exactly as he is. We laugh because in our twenties, three months was about when the relationship would fizzle: hot sex almost right away, for a couple months, then problems, then... nothing. We've been together for a year, now. I've met his friends and family, and it's all great. I have never been so happy, and we can hardly believe we are so lucky! For various financial reasons, we're not getting married till next year, 2020.
I could go on and on. I am very grateful for the messages Jane sends out, I love everything she has to say. Her work helped me through a rough time, and I want to write to tell you a bit about what I've learned. Very best of luck to you.
Wow Cynthia, thank you so much for this.
I recently met a guy, we went out on a date once, before the date we have been chatting for almost a month through social media. I have noticed that he is a bit pushy, from the first date he was professing his undying love for me, and now he has been very flirtatious and naughty in all our chats, I told him I`m not comfortable to have such conversations as yet as I am interested in getting to know outside sex, he says he will be patient with me. But I can`t help feeling that he is only here for sex, everything conversation we have he pushes it on the sex side, to a point that I will sometimes just let him be and flirt a little bit without sounding like a stuck up. I really like him, I just don`t know what else I need to do in order to communicate this without him feeling offended or pulling away. I want him to be able to wait until we are fully committed to each other like you are saying.
I don`t know if I should hold on a little longer or if I should let this one go, the guy is 35 years old, I`m also turning 35 in two weeks time.
Let him feel offended, Lolly. You are NEVER responsible for someone's response to you. His behavior is full of so many red flags, I think the best thing you could do for yourself here is to get used to feeling uncomfortable by choosing you first - and by listening and believing what you're feeling - instead of going straight to looking out for what he might or might not do. Pushy is a red flag because it means he's not listening to or respecting your boundaries. It needs to become a turn-off, not a turn-on. Professing his undying love for you on your first date? No matter how amazing you are, he doesn't even know you yet. Can you narrow it down to what exactly you really like about him? Can you ask yourself why? Don't be so hungry for someone's love and attention that you'll take something so artificial and fake in return. You are indeed the prize - but you have to realize this first before you can expect anyone else to!
Thank you for sharing, Cynthia. This is beautiful and so inspiring to me, and to all of us. This is exactly the mindset shift I want all of us to have and I'm absoluted thriled to hear how much my messages have helped you to see this for yourself. So happy for you, girl!
Thanks, Jane. I wish there was a pill my younger self could have taken, to bring me to know my own value. The good news is, my 20- year- old daughter seems to be learning her value better than i did! Best wishes to you.
I know it is so hard, but it is most often better to be alone then be in a relationship like this. You don’t mention this, but if it were me, I would feel incredibly lonely. My self esteem would also start to sink. For me it would be better to end this bc then there IS hope; hope to feel better about myself, hope to plan activities and my life with greater ease; hope to spend time with people who act like they want to be with me; even hope to meet someone who really could be a boyfriend and even a husband. About the last comment, would you want this behavior in a husband? I can tell you from years of watching everyone ‘s marriages, it doesn’t get better. Imagine this but so much worse and that could be how he is as a husband. You deserve so much more. He is blocking you from it. I would consider breaking up with him or slowly pull away and make other plans and fill your life with a lot of other activities. I so know this is hard to read. But basically he is asking you to throw away your dream of a decent guy , a nice boyfriend, and a reliable loving husband. I think that is too much to ask of you.
Wise words, EC. Thank you.
This is not adult behavior. I’ve been through something like this. Your guy’s effort is indicative of his interest. Get rid of him. You sound like a good person and clearly deserve much better.
I hope you're all the way through it, Erica. You deserve better, too!