It was Julia's letter that showed up in my inbox the other day, and like so many of you, she found reassurance in knowing she wasn't alone in dealing with her current heartbreak; dealing with a guy who once was at first so responsive, now not responding at all.
Here's her story.
Hi Jane,
I came across this website so thought I'd try to find some reassurance here.
I've been divorced for a short time after a long marriage. I reunited with an old boyfriend I hadn't seen since my early twenties. We got along so well, like we'd been together for years.
I've always believed that we were made for each other.
He lives interstate but we kept in touch; he's also divorced and was making plans to come see me.
I'd contact him and he was slow to reply, always an apology and saying he was busy. He called a few times and we talked for a long time. I thought I would see him again based on our talks but now he's completely disappeared. We spoke a few weeks ago but he's not replied to my texts. I tried to call him but no response.
I don't understand what could have changed and without him telling me it's really bothering me. I feel I need to know what went wrong.
I'm too old for these games now and can't believe that I'm feeling so bad about this. I also can't believe I let him do this to me again.
Do I contact him one more time to say that I don't know what's happened but really need to for my own peace of mind.
My self esteem is gone, I'm sure I've said or done something to put him off.
It's really bothering me no matter how I try to get my mind off of it. I know that if I've contacted him a few times without a response - that's pretty much the response - but it's difficult to accept that it could all change so quickly.
-Julia
My Response:
Dear Julia,
I can’t tell you how many women have come to me with a simliar story.
Usually, just like you, it begins with connecting up with an old highschool friend/former love interest on Facebook, now both divorced, and thus begins a whirlwind romance in search of reclaiming all those years they lost.
It’s a fantasy, Julia.
That’s why he can’t tell you why, and that’s why there’s nothing you can do to change it back.
It’s not about you. It’s not about anything you did or didn't do.
It’s only about what he thought it was going to be in his own mind and when he found out he’d brought himself with him to this one, too - and that simply mixing up the characters in this fantasy and replacing the women of the past with you won't make it any more real, the reality slowly began to sink in.
He’d done it again.
He can’t tell you this, though, because then he’d have to admit he did this to both of you. He’d have to admit it was never about you, it was about the lens he was looking through that had him believing – erroneously of course - but believing that to save face for everything he’s failed at before you, all he had to do was find the one magical women who could change all this for him.
Someone who could make it all better and restore to him the faith in himself that he really is capable of having a real, authentic, lasting relationship with a woman who has as much to offer as you.
The catch is that he can’t admit this to himself because that would only unearth a deeply hidden shame within himself that he’s not good enough, that there’s something wrong with him.
If only these men would realize that it’s only in admitting their worst fears they allow themselves to heal those parts of themselves they were brought up to hide instead of admit to!
If he could allow himself to be human, to admit the appeal of the fantasy is there precisely because he is looking for something so the opposite of human to restore him to a position of power within himself.
You were the fantasy, Julia. You and him. Together.
The idea of the two of you. The memory of who you were and who he was in a different place and time that you couldn't realistically go back to.
It doesn’t take much for us to go along with that fantasy when we’ve been programmed since we were little girls to look for the one who we always felt was the one “who was meant to be.”
It lasted as long as it felt that way to him, as long as you fit the image of the magical, fantasy woman he imagined you were and what finding you would be like, in his own mind.
But when you were human (and how could you be anything but human unless you were nothing but a fantasy image?!) the reality of another relationship that takes effort, that requires mutual contribution and most of all, can settle for nothing less than two people on the same page committed to making it work, yes, even when one or both of those two people don't feel like making the effort, was too real for him.
That’s what makes two people “meant to be.”
And it’s why he couldn’t do it. Not because of you or what you were or what you weren’t, but because of him and what he was and what he wasn’t and what he needed himself and you and all the parts of your relationship to be.
Don’t contact him again. Don’t put yourself through this again. You've tried, you've kept trying. In fact, you've been the only one reaching out.
The reason why he doesn’t answer is because he can’t answer you. He has nothing to say, nothing to defend himself with, and nothing more to give you.
Your self-esteem is only gone because you made the fatal mistake we all do, Julia; we look to him for our answers to give us closure, to set the record straight, to somehow make us feel better hearing it from him, but in the end, he can’t even do this.
But you can.
And you will. Because now, you know more.
And most of all, you know why.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any words of advice or can identify with what Julia's going through? Share with her what you want her to know in the comments below.
I’ve dealt with the same, rekindled with a guy from years ago. I told him that I wanted more than what we had ten years ago. His response, he didn’t know what I wanted, all he knew was “us” from then, and I should tell him what I wanted. So I told him that I didn’t want to force him into a committed relationship, however, I wanted us to get to know each other. In our conversations, I felt that his responses were genuine, he understood that women need words of affirmation, and you can’t build anything real from texting. He also said he would come visit me in my city. However, I’ve come to the realization, he just says what I want to hear. Now he doesn’t text as much, and he still hasn’t given me any date when he will
visit. I feel like he’s going through his own personal struggles, a disappointing failed relationship and a son, with a girl he thought was going to be his dream family. I’m not waiting around, and I’m not reaching out anymore. But it just sucks when these guys, know they don’t want anything, and can’t say it. They lead you own, with these promises, and hopefully you’re smart enough to catch, and the words and actions are not adding up. Just say you’re not interested in anything. Like grow some damn balls lol
I hear you, Pammie. The irony is they don't even know it themselves; they're so disillusioned with the fantasy belief that finding the "right" woman will chase out all their demons. Of course he can't risk letting you go. You might be exactly that woman to do just that if he can ever figure out what that sign will be that unequivocally says "It's her!"
Why would you let someone else’s rude behavior dictate how you feel about yourself? Or make you feel like you did something wrong? That’s giving him more power than he deserves!
If you can, change the way you frame the situation to one where YOU have the power!
You can decide that you no longer want to pursue a dead end.
You can decide that you need more than he was capable of giving you.
You can decide to move on, head held high, because you acted in a reasonable way.
You can decide you are ready to try again and not sideline yourself because of one guy’s terrible behavior.
Easier said than done. But every time you feel the sadness creep back in repeat:
I CHOSE not to have contact with this person anymore because he did not respect me.
I AM AWESOME! Any man who disagrees is just not worth my time.
I am LUCKY it ended before it began and wasted any more of my time.
There’s always another train. Maybe the next one is yours!
Words matter so much! Thanks for adding to this conversation, Claire. The dialogue we have with ourselves and about ourselves is everything!
This is exactly what I’ve been through. Please be strong always.
Thank you, Nancy. For Julia and everyone who needed to know someone else was going through this. My heart goes out to you, too.
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for your encouragement and I say the same to you, although you seem to have come to the realisation about what this relationship truly is.
I hope you continue to be strong too, and my heart is with you. I hope you are at the point of moving on and finding the love and support you deserve. Maybe I'll be close behind you soon.
Thank you Jane. Once again the perfect words I needed to hear because every day I wake up and think that I must know what happened. I know though it's only further humiliation because he wouldn't answer anyway.
This will take a long time to get over but I will find every bit of strength to try and get past this and try to remember the beautiful memories- one day with a smile I hope, instead of tears.
Thank you for always pulling me back from the cliff.
Always, Julia. Remember that it's so natural for you to want to have a normal conversation with someone who's gone cold like this, and if he were someone capable of talking about his feelings, capable of talking about what's going on, and capable of understanding someone's perspective other than his own, you'd be having that conversation with him. The fact that he's not having this conversation with you confirms everything you need to know. Life is full of things you have to be able to talk about with someone you're in a real relationship with; if he can't do this now, what would he do down the road when the stakes were so much higher? But I know, so much easier to know this in our minds than to accept with our hearts. One day at a time, we all get there.
Thank you Jane- I know the answers, I only need to believe it.