I used to be so good at this. So good, that I could spot him a mile away.
That look. That walk. That talk. That other part.
Unfortunately, I was also especially good at running towards him, instead of in the opposite direction.
The fastest way to crossing paths with Mr. Right is recognizing Mr. Wrong and getting yourself out of there, pronto. As in - as soon as you can tell the difference. We waste so much time and energy trying to make someone into Mr. Right, that just knowing what you're looking for – and what you're NOT looking for - can make all the difference.
How will you know? It’s not him. It’s you.
You won’t be able to resist him. You won’t want to slow it down. You won’t be able to help yourself.
He’s charming. He’s irresistible. He comes on strong. He’s got an unmistakable confidence to him with just a hint of vulnerability that only you can see sprinkled in. He gives you the impression he could choose any woman in the world … but he’s chosen you.
Sound familiar?
Most of us know the stereotype, but there’s something else here that matters more than any of these things that sets him apart from a charming guy with real potential to a charming player type you want to run in the opposite direction of as fast as you can!
That something else is the most important part.
It’s how he makes you feel! This is your warning system. Normally, in a perfect world where we bring no baggage or past programming with us, when you recognize someone who seems to be too good to be true, your warning system (i.e. your intuition) would tell you to slow things down and take your time getting to know this guy because every part of you would be picking up on the fact that he seems too good to be true for a reason – because he is!
It’s an act, it’s what he believes but not what he can sustain. It’s someone who’s not in touch with himself and only excited that that he’s found someone who’s going to make this all easy for him!
The problem is that your warning system can’t be trusted because it’s been programmed to seek and find this type of guy.
See, way back when, when you were just a little girl with wide-eyed innocence, you were told that if you just behaved in a certain way - in a way that your mom or dad or some other care-giver in your life wanted you to behave - then they would love you and show you love and make everything in your world wonderful.
And because it worked some of the time, depending on the mood they were in or what they were emotionally capable of at that particular moment in time (factors that never had anything directly to do with you), you came to believe that you could “make” them love you. What you learned was that it was all about you.
Except it wasn’t.
It was all about them.
But that concept was imprinted so deeply in your mind by the very fact that sometimes you could make them act so wonderful and full of love for you (can we all say anxious attachment here?!), that you learned on a subconscious level how to recognize what you came to believe was the perfect guy for you; the one you had to do something for in order to be loved.
Let’s look back.
This explains a lot, doesn’t it? You’re ALWAYS doing something to be loved, aren’t you? You’re always trying to be or do something to be loved, to be appreciated, to get that feel good feeling you live for that’s so familiar on a level you’re not even consciously aware of and don’t consciously understand.
This is why there’s only one person who knows if your latest love interest is a player -YOU!
You know it in every part of your being.
You sense it. You feel it. And yes, you fight it.
The back and forth. The conflicted, all in, then all out the next. The scared panic. The intensity. The drama. The extremes The highs. The lows. The emotional rollercoaster.
This is every part of you knowing!
Why?
Because your goal is to subconsciously recreate a similar scenario so you can finally get the love and worth you’ve been searching for ever since that first relationship with someone who was supposed to unconditionally love you but couldn't. But this time, with someone who gives you a different ending - the one you’ve been craving since you first found out the truth.
That you couldn’t make someone love you, stay with you, care about you, give you the love you so desperately needed that your all too human mom or dad or someone representing them couldn’t give you.
Now I know you’re going to tell me that you’ve met someone who sounds exactly like this but he ISN’T a player.
Sure, there are exceptions to every rule.
But I would much rather you err on the side of him being a player and have him prove you wrong then have you end up brokenhearted over another guy who can’t live up to his own hype.
Why?
Because with the real guy, you’ll find out soon enough because you’ll notice your symptoms start to alleviate the more you get to know him. This type of guy, not the player but the real one, makes you feel better the more you hang out with him and get to know him, not worse.
Listen to your intuition.
Pay attention to what your mind, your heart, your body’s trying to tell you. Slow things down enough so you can actually hear what it’s telling you.
You know what’s the number one subject in my inbox? How do I know if he’s a player?
And do you know what's the most important thing I’m doing for you? Giving you confirmation.
See? You already know. Anyone who tells you is only confirming what you already know.
How do YOU spot a player? Or if you have a past of not recognizing a player well (like most of us at some point!) what about a player draws you in? Share your story with the rest of us here in the comments below!
Most of the men I've been with have been players. I call them "con men" but they are the same thing, shower you with attention, make you feel amazing, you think they're the 'one'. But then things change because they still want you on the hook but only on their conditions. Leaves you lonely and confused.
And crystal clear on what you need to do!
I had a player one time obvious to EVERYONE around me. I surmised after moving in with him (3 mos into the relationship) that a lot of pieces of info he had fed me over the course of the next 6 months just really didnt fit together, Timelines, odd text messages, seeing him on a dating site. He WAS A TAKER & gave only of himself in the bedroom. In my heart I always knew this guy was just a shell of a real man & eventually after about 20 months he was done with me & gave me the boot. Lesson in life you don't want to learn the hard way. I didnt listen to my own intuition. I kept blaming myself & apologizing for just being me. Don't do that to yourselves ladies. Your prince is out there! Believe it - you'll meet him, he's looking for you too. Take care of you first, know all you want in a man, & all the dealbreakers. Get busy living, not looking!
"In my heart, I always knew this" - so true, Marguerite. This journey is as much about learning how to trust ourselves than anything else. So glad you've found your own prince!
He was charming. Not that good looking but there was something about him. My dad met him and actually said to him, he was too good to be true. I still continued on with him and when things got real he pulled out. Completely out of the blue. He continues to be “nice” and act like he cares. Out of guilt maybe. Just to keep me hanging there. I am broken hearted and finding it hard to move on. Was any of it real?
As much as he was capable of something real, Sarah. The rest was him trying to be what he thought he could be, without realizing what he was up against to make that happen.
Boy, did you NAIL ME HERE...including my current "fling" with a "player"...I have been in DEEP DENIAL over this man because he trips EVERY TRIGGER in me: tall, handsome, mysterious( obviously by much design), vulnerable, at times, affectionate, at times, then POOF, GONE! " I will be out of town till the 17th, 😘" , my last text from last Saturday... I KNOW the truth, but my subconscious and conscious just SCREAMS "Oh why not ME this time?? I could treat him SO RIGHT, if only this were REAL...". Almost 65, he is 63, will we NEVER LEARN...?
One of these times something sticks, Sheila. You're here now, right? In the meantime, we love to take all these behaviours so personally when in reality, it's about a little boy who tragically never grew up from his own place of emotional wounding!
It seems as if the players are the ones I've ran into all my life. They come off as damaged and telling me they are. Then I try to help, love and be intimate only to be ghosted.
Then hold off on the trying to help, love and being intimate until you've had a chance to get to know them well enough to know they're not going to ghost you, Melanie. The players will always leave early!
Someone who wants more from you than he's giving, and someone who will make time for other woman is a player,
Exactly, D!
I denied he was a player for so long, even my friends told me he wasn't good for me.
I even made up stories for him at times to make him better than he was. Always doing something for him, he never did anything for me... he'd contact me back when he wanted to didn't like to text or talk on the phone a lot and the time we were together if I tried to bring up serious conversations is go to was "always something.." He worked overtime for the 2 1/2 years we dated so we didn't see each other often and of course now that he's not it seems his aversion to being together seriously became more evident. I was always looking for him to want me as much as I wanted him. Over time I became a little more immune and not break down as much yet the pull and tug to always go back to him won each time. This time no more. I'm still in the 1st stage of breaking up yet I realize I can't be in this cycle anymore with a player who thinks it's all about HIM and not us or even regarding me and my feelings. Sad, yes and I'll allow myself to grieve and will work through this and heal and enjoy "ME" and my time alone for a bit so I can truly accept the right man, not a player who is selfish and childish at that!
So familiar, all of this, Michelle. We do all of this. You're not alone and it does get easier. Realizing you can't be in this cycle anymore with someone like him is a huge first step because as you've seen, we can living in denial for a long, long time. All the best to you. You can do this! And you deserve so much more - we all do!