Our gorgeous friend Rachel is asking for our help.
Here's what she wrote:
Please help.
I had been talking to this guy for the past 3 months online, then we met up and had 3 wonderful dates. He had to go away to work for 5 weeks in another country, but we stayed in touch for the first 3 weeks until I noticed that he had been spending a lot of time on WhatsApp.
I had my suspicions that he was talking to other girls, so I started to check the website and he had been active daily.
I asked him about this, and he said he’s not speaking to anybody else and would like to get to know me better when he’s home. Anyway, this continued for over a week, but I was noticing he was on WhatsApp late at night and on a dating site.
I asked him to just be honest with me so I knew where I stood, and he said he would remove himself from the dating site to give me peace of mind. I told him it wasn’t the fact he was on the dating site, it was the lies.
The following day he was active again and even had added a new picture. I tried to call him, but he didn’t answer so I sent him a text to say I wouldn’t be seeing him again, he’s a player and I’m gonna start dating somebody else.
I didn’t get a reply for 6 days then he replied saying sorry that he was only just getting back to me, but he had been in the hospital. I replied that I was sorry that he had been in the hospital and hoped he was OK and not to worry about not replying as I wasn’t expecting one.
His replies were all just about how unwell he felt but was returning to work the following day and that was it. I just said that I hoped he felt better soon.
I didn’t want to address what had happened because I felt that the last few times I had spoken to him all I did was moan about the dating site and I suppose I was playing it cool.
Anyway, it’s now 3 days later I haven’t heard from him although he’s active on WhatsApp numerous times throughout the day. I miss him terribly and I just want him to call me and make this better.
Part of me thinks I’m in the wrong as we weren’t exclusive but all I asked for was the truth. He’s home soon and I just don’t know how to deal with this. Please help.
-Rachel
My Response:
There’s a pattern here, Rachel.
And it doesn’t matter if you’re not exclusive or anything, the issue is that when you ask him to be honest with you about something as clear as whether or not he’s on a dating site, he lies to you.
That’s a problem! Asking him to be honest with you is not asking for too much!
If he’s just interested in dating around and wants to keep his options open, at least when you confronted him he could have let you know and then you could decide whether or not that scenario was one you were willing to be a part of as you get to know him better.
You could decide if he was worth it. But he didn’t give you that.
So what effect does this have on you? You waver back and forth between wanting to play it cool and coming down on yourself for not being chill enough, as if you didn’t have the same rights to your feelings as you would if you were exclusive.
But what’s clearly tugging at your senses is the bigger picture that you’re on two different pages. That part is clear even if he wants to try to pretend he’s right there with you.
You’ve seen him on the dating site. You know he’s active on WhatsApp!
Rachel, what he’s showing you by his actions and his behavior is telling you far more about him than anything else you’ve learned about him in the 3 or 4 months you’ve been getting to know him. This is the very beginning when everyone is on their best behavior. Now he’s gone MIA but he has time and energy for WhatsApp and online dating.
And you’re the one blaming yourself because you’re not being understanding enough or because you’re expecting too much?
Let’s go there then.
You’re not exclusive, you don’t have any rights to him, all you’re doing is collecting information about him so you can choose what you want to do with that information. Like whether you want to spend any more of your own time and energy on him.
So what is that information telling you? What’s he like? What do his actions and his behavior tell you about his character? What does his pattern of being online while telling you he’ll get off without addressing the fact that he’s not telling you the truth because he just goes right back on line, tell you about him? What does all this tell you about how he’s going to be if the two of you were actually dating?
See, we’re so quick to excuse bad behavior and blame ourselves for reading too much into his, or to blame ourselves for not playing it cool enough or whatever it may be, that we don’t properly look at what we should be looking at; that bad behavior.
This goes back to our long-established patterns of not allowing ourselves to trust what we feel while we’re trying to trust him when he’s giving us no reason to! And then when we find we can’t reconcile his behavior with that trust we’re giving him, we look again to ourselves to blame instead of staying on his behavior.
You called it, Rachel. You said he’s a player.
And then backtracked because when we confront someone like that, we’re stepping outside of that programmed “good girl” behavior we’re supposed to be on, and confronting someone with someone that “isn’t nice” isn’t what we’re supposed to do.
That’s why it feels uncomfortable and awful.
But instead of recognizing why – because you just called out what you saw and it was outside that comfort zone, you backtrack and get back to letting him off the hook while putting it back on you.
That’s the hard part here, Rachel. And it’s the part that underlies even the most typical situation like this one. It’s only typical because it’s how programmed we are to behave like this. We don’t even notice what’s going on.
Trust yourself.
Believe what you’re seeing with your own eyes and ears. Don’t let him distract you from what’s real and what isn’t. You didn’t say anything wrong in asking for the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong in calling it what it was. There isn’t anything more to say to him because he’s already shown you who he is and how he behaves.
Sure, you can miss him – or at least the idea of him and his potential. But I doubt you’d actually miss this behavior you’re seeing from him.
Think about that. You already know what to do because you’ve already spelled it out for him – and yourself.
Hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Do you have anything to share with Rachel? Let’s give her our support in the comments below!
Hey Jane! Just giving you an update. A year since I finished up your BCR You program. I think the final pieces have clicked. Still single but loving it! Lining up those dates! Dating more than one guy at a time seems to have been the final piece to bring it all together for me. Even the guy I was chasing after this past summer is now chasing after me. He even told me how much hotter I've become all of a sudden LOL! But I don't put so much focus or dependence on his attention anymore, or anyones. I'm clear about what I want. I've stopped looking and started attracting, which is awesome. I'm having fun and letting them show me who and where they are. Abundance! There are plenty great guys out there and more than enough love to go around! Thanks!!
Sky11
Love getting this update from you, Sky11! Sounds like the pieces are coming together. Your words here "I've stopped looking and started attracting" - that's a mindshift that makes all the difference in the world! Be so proud of yourself for pushing through to get to this place. One step at a time - and don't worry if not all your days are sunny. Some of our biggest moments are found in the days when we question, when we need to be reminded of who we are and where we've come from. Have fun with this - that's the point! And keep me posted!
His behaviour will not change. I spent 3 agonising years in a relationship with a man who would lie and call me paranoid. Online until 1am, inappropriate texting to other women, dating site etc.
It will hurt less to walk away now than later - trust me; I cried an ocean for someone who didn't deserve my tears. You deserve someone that will adore you, respect you and be honest with you. He's out there!
Trust Janes advice.
Toxic people will always make you feel on shaky ground.
Good people take care of each other with honesty.
It took me a long to realize I was going out with a narcissist, but once I started reading up in them a part of me kept wanting to win him back! All that did was enable him to treat me worse. It was like a game for him to see how much crap (or breadcrumbs as they call it) he could give me and I’d still stick around for more. At a certain point you start to realize people like that are just not capable of loving anyone besides themselves.
My advice is listen to Jane, her wise words resonated with me, I felt out of all the relationship coaches out there, she wasnt trying to me get back with my toxic ex guy, she tries to help me find my strength and self worth which helped me stand up to him and now anyone who doesn’t treat me right.
Don’t lower your values to match his. You really do deserve better than that!
If your gut says there’s something wrong, trust it.
Aw, thanks Plenty. That's exactly what I'm about. Thanks for chiming in, and for inspiring me with your own story. Those crumbs can keep us coming back even in the face of all other evidence that tells us irrefutably we KNOW what we need to do. Thrilled to hear you're out - and free. Finding your own strength and worth is everything. Here's to you!
Rachel, you don't want this guy. He's a compulsive liar. He will never be true to you and only you. He's not even true to himself. Trust your instincts. He is not the guy for you. He told you he was in the hospital? Did he tell you why he was in the hospital or what hospital he was at? People don't go to the hospital unless they are seriously ill or had a major trauma occur. It costs thousands of dollars to go to the hospital. This guy is a compulsive liar and you deserve someone who will be honest and not on a dating site nonstop when he claims he isn't talking to someone else. Remember the beautiful and intelligent woman that you are, Rachel! You deserve to be treated with respect! You deserve someone who is honest! Don't even respond to this guy. He is not worth your time at all. Sending you big hugs!
Beautiful words, Shannon. I have a feeling you've been somewhere close to here. Thanks for chiming in with your support. It all helps!
"Sure, you can miss him – or at least the idea of him and his potential. But I doubt you’d actually miss this behavior you’re seeing from him." This line right here sums up everything I needed to hear today, it`s easy to miss someone and their potential, but when you look at their behavior you then get to be reminded why you need to walk away and never look back.
Thank you once more for such a beautiful insight Jane, You have said a mouthful, I am currently dealing with an arrogant person at the moment, he is never wrong and everyone else is in the wrong but him, he is very self absorbed, when I ask him why he doesn`t ask about my interests in life he will then ask me what is that I want him to ask me. He says this is his personality and he will never change, he says he is not arrogant but he is frank, and when he doesn`t like something he tells it as it is, he doesn`t see why he has to sugar coat things. I am trying to find the strength to walk away. I Can`t be with someone who cannot show their emotional side.
I like what you just said about someone`s behavior, some people are willing to change it and they may in fact change it, but there are some who will never change no matter how bad you try to be understanding and patient, they simple will not change, so Rachel it is really up to you to walk away form this, if he can lie about a simple thing as an online dating, just imagine how much more things will h try to hide from you in the future? I know the idea of finally meeting the one is nice, but it`s better to continue kissing all the frogs until you finally meet the one, and like Jane always say, when that time comes you will just know, there`ll be no figuring things out, it will all be clear from the beginning. All the best.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Lolly. Thanks for sharing your own story. I know you'll do what you need to do for you when you reach your own line in the sand. I wish I could walk through this with you and make it easier for you. Sending you love from my heart to yours. YOU deserve so much more than this!
Give the boot.......I am sure there is a man out there who wont muck you about and will sweep you off your feet - your worth more than the way he treats you.
Hi Jane! Always nice to hear from you. Never forgotten you 🙂 Thanks for your words of support for Rachel here - so true!