Our beautiful friend Julie is going through an age old problem so many of us have encountered before; the guy who wants all the "benefits" but doesn't want the relationship!
Here's her email:
Hi there, I am not a younger lady, I'm a mature 56 year old and never needed an answer to a personal matter before!
I have been friends with a man for 3 years now and nothing but friends, going for drinks and a meal, to a meal at his. No hugs or a peck goodbye until about 2 months ago we became friends with benefits!
We have always texted mostly daily throughout the 3 years, mostly him first.
I started to have feelings 18 months ago but never told him. Since the friends with benefits started, my feelings have become stronger and I couldn't hide it from him! He likes me very much and we really get on but he doesn't want anything more, like a relationship!
I have backed off and he's still trying me, asking what I'm doing or what have I done and have a nice day but I haven’t replied!
Why is he still trying me and wanting to know what I'm doing if he isn't interested in me? I just don't get it. Is he playing games thinking I will go back when he clicks his fingers just for the intimacy part?
I don't know what to do as this is driving me mad and I've been trying to distance myself so as not to get hurt more than I already am!
-Julie
My Response:
That’s exactly it, Julie. If you’ve gone there before and had a friends with benefits relationship with him, he’s going to believe that he can convince you to go there again!
Of course he’s still interested in you! But only on his terms. He’s interested in you for sex, for intimacy, for this friends with benefits part that he wants, and for whatever else he’s attracted to about you – and I’m sure there’s many things!
The problem is, you want more than that. You want - what’s that? - a relationship.
Of course you do!
And that’s NOT asking for too much, Julie, unless that’s not what he wants. He’s still trying, he’s still contacting you, he’s still keeping an open-ended conversation going because he wants to keep the door open to still have something with you.
Maybe you’ll change your mind. Maybe you’ll miss him. Maybe you can be talked into coming back over for another round of FWB.
He may not even know his own exact reasons why, but he does know that it works better for him to have you still somewhere in his life, than to let you go into someone else’s.
Should that give you hope?
No. Not at all.
When you understand that no, this doesn’t mean he’s going to be ready for that relationship you’re looking for anytime soon, it makes it easier for you to decide for yourself what YOU want to do about it.
Reply to him? Keep NOT replying to him? Break it off completely telling him you know what you want and since it’s not what he wants, you’re going to move on with your own life with someone that is on your same page?
That’s what this really is about, Julie. It's about what YOU want to do, not about trying to read every possibility into what he might possibly mean in order to wrap your world around his. He knows you want a real relationship, not just a FWB one. Last he's told you, that's not the page he's on. One thing we know for sure about men, if he changes his mind and wants a relationship with you, you'll be the first to know. And that's whether or not you're still in contact with him. He's found you before, he obviously will know how to find you again!
One last thing, for right now, ask yourself this question. If the only way you can have him in your life right now is on his terms, with that level of intimacy without a real relationship, is he worth changing your mind for and going back to the FWB arrangement to keep him in your life, if that’s all he wants? If your answer is still no, then that’s your answer.
That's how you'll know it's time to move on and let him play his games with someone else!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think about beautiful Julie's situation here? Share your words of encouragement and/or advice with her below in the comments!
Yes! Men tell us who they are, we just have to listen! There is somebody out there , I discovered, who will want to fulfill your needs in a relationship. Do not settle until you find him! It may take several tries with the wrong person but stick to your expectations !
Hi Julie,
I put up with a relationship like this for eight years! To the point where I didn’t recognise myself, I am 62, and finally walked away fifteen months ago. I know, it’s crazy, I have been divorced, widowed and raised three children, all grown and flown. The point I am making, I didn’t put up with this as a teenager, so why now? The answer, I thought I was too old to get/do any better, so I settled for something that I would have told my thirty year old daughter to run from and never go back.
I loved him, but now know, I love myself more.
I do admire your courage that you walked away, I wish I had after three years. You can do this, head high, take a deep breath, baby steps forward.x
I’m having the same issues with a man right now. I’ve been so lonely that I’ve settled for this crap. The man I’ve been seeing has tried to tell me that relationships are ‘different’ when we’re our age (38 & 40). I’ve asked him to commit to an exclusive relationship with me now twice in the last three months. He says he doesn’t want to complicate things. Whatever!
Bottom line: I’m not happy with it and I’m moving forward finally. I deserve something and someone that’s real with me.
One thing I have learned is that when a man tells you what they are, believe them! He does not want a relationship and you do. Leave, stop all contact and don’t go back unless you and he are on the same page. You may be thinking what you have is better than nothing. But it’s not and you will never be happy with him.
I agree! Also, don’t think his pursuit is about wanting a serious relationship with you. He wants to keep you on a string so he can manipulate you into giving him husband benefits. The continuous reaching out will make you feel that he’s interested but he’s not or else he would have made a commitment. He wants to know that he still has access and a chance to get what he wants (ego). Keeping him in your life will leave you broken and it will take its toll in how you look. Take care