Why Didn't He Ask for a Second Date When It Seemed to Go So Well?

One of my group coaching clients inspired this post (thank you - you know who you are!)

I mean, really, who of us hasn’t been on a great first date with a guy giving all the good vibes, thinking there are going to be so many more down the road, only to be left with that awkwardness when he doesn’t say anything at the end of the date?

All too familiar, right?

So let’s break that down. Why DOESN’T he make sure he’s on your calendar again before he says goodbye? Is it because he’s not interested? Did he not have as good a time as he seemed to? What’s really going on behind the scenes?

First of all, we’ve got a culture that has a whole lot of unwritten rules that influence our men in general, especially when it comes to planning next dates.

Depending on the guy in question, he may either feel the need to purposely take his time so he won’t be seen as too eager, or he may be genuinely oblivious to the fact that you might be waiting for him to make those plans, and assume there’s time for that without realizing how anxious his delaying is making you!

Bottom line, the most important thing for you to do is not take any of his response or attentiveness in this area (or lack thereof) personally.

He’s got his own programming. He’s got his own history of what has and hasn’t worked for him in the past (and what’s hurt him that he doesn’t ever want to do again!)

Just like you, he’s human.

So take him down off that pedestal and give him a little breathing room to be himself – even if that current self means he doesn’t realize you really need him to make plans for the next date before you’re done your current date.

It’s also important to remember that any delay is going to trigger you if you’ve ever been hurt or stood up or felt someone’s rejection before. So yes, expect this to trigger you!

You can’t help but read into his behavior that you’re right back where you were before with someone else.

Acknowledge that. Accept that reality. And don’t try to fight yourself so much.

This is more of a battle within your own mind than anything else.

Yes, you’re going to drive yourself crazy analyzing and over-analyzing what you could have said or done differently or what he meant when he said or did what he did in the recap you do with your friends, your colleagues or whoever else will listen and commiserate with what you’re going through. But take heart by knowing that you’ll know soon enough his own version of why – and there’s something else you can do in the meantime.

First of all, don’t look back. Really, don’t do this.

You were who you were, you acted like you acted, you said what you said. If he wasn’t as into you as you read he was, or if you really messed up somewhere on that date and blew all chances of ever going out with him again, that’s his choice.

Just like you get to decide if you even WANT to go out with him again considering you don’t even know him well enough yet to really have any substance to make that decision, it’s the same for him.

So maybe you reminded him enough of someone else so he’s not going to be asking you out again.

Maybe it was your outfit, your voice, your talking about those subjects you couldn’t not bring up, or whatever else it was you think it was. But if any of those things were deal breakers for him, remember, this is just one guy’s opinion, and not some blanket statement truth.

I go back to the human part here again; just as you have your own preferences and things you’re open and less open and even closed about, so does he.

Allowing him to be human doesn’t negate your own ability to be your own beautiful human self, whether or not it’s to his specific liking or not. You’re you because you’re you – not because you’re anyone else or because you’ve learned to fit someone else’s mold for you!

If you knew him well enough, you could ask him all those questions you have about why, but since it is early, remember that even if you ask him (which of course you always can!) you have no way of knowing if his answer would even be an honest one.

I know I’m going to give you such a similar answer to most of these questions that keep us up at night – or at least on the phone with our best girlfriends -  but it really is true.

Focusing on you, focusing on your life, focusing on putting your beautiful and vibrant energy into some creative self-expression of every bit of that authentic version of you, is the absolute best way to handle guys like this.

Don’t let who they are or what they choose to do derail you like it always seems to do!

The good guys always reveal themselves in the end, over time, with consistency in their actions and behavior and by making sure real soon that you don’t have to keep guessing whether or not they’re actually into you!

Love,

Jane

Did this help? I hope so. Understanding is key so you can resist taking anything he does or doesn’t do so personally. Let me know if there’s anything else I can clarify for you in the comments below. Like I always say, you’re never alone in what you’re going through. And I absolutely mean that!