This week our letter comes from beautiful Rainie. Her on-again, off-again relationship recently ended over the holidays (why is it always over the holidays...????) and she's devastated.
Here's her email:
I met this guy online five years ago.
We both had not been in a relationship for many, many years. He was working 7 days a week in his own business and I had a son who had disabilities and was devoted to him. We both had our commitments that prevented us from seeing each other a lot but we would communicate each day, most days of the week anyway.
We were each other’s support to a certain extent.
Two years after we first met we had a fight and went our own separate ways. I was devastated at the time... A year later he contacted me again and we ended up being in the same sort of relationship as previously which was suitable for both of us.
Two years have past since then and we have drawn closer to each other, more than before. We live a fair distance from each other, so with his work commitment and my commitment to my son we did not see each other that often.
We would just email each other all the time.
However, I checked on a dating site one night and found his profile was active on there. I asked him why this was, to which he replied that he worked long hours, seven days a week, and he was just using the dating site as a social outlet, as he often got lonely working by himself and just needed to socialize with others.
I was upset and said I thought I would have been enough woman for him. He said I was more than enough woman for him....and I was the one he came to see...etc..
I accepted this but it continued to play on my mind and did not feel that this was acceptable... So, the weekend before Christmas, I wanted to see him as I had not seen him for awhile. Work pressures had been bad and I emailed to find out if he was coming over.
When he indicated by email that he was not coming over, I lost it and was really angry with him, to which he responded “I am done with the way you speak to me, goodbye”..... and I have not seen or heard from him since...
I have apologized a few times for my behavior but no response....
I have since sent him a message telling him that I had thought about it and was not sorry for the things that I had said and told him I felt the friendship we had would have lasted through him seeing me have a meltdown at Christmas...considering he knew what I was going through then, but still no response....
I have now not been in contact since sending this message over a week ago...but am really hurting that he has not been decent enough to contact me and I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about him...
I have joined an online dating site but find it is difficult to be interested in someone else when your heart belongs elsewhere....
I would really appreciate your thoughts about this relationship (or lost relationship more like it!)
Many thanks.
-Rainie
My Response:
Dear Rainie,
When someone you're supposed to be in some kind of relationship with tells you they're on an online dating site solely for social connection, promise me next time you're going to run as fast as you can in the other direction. Because that would have been a totally appropriate response to his answer!
You simply can’t lose someone who doesn’t choose to be lost. And this is a man who was - and is - so lost. Lost to the point that he actually believed he could tell you he was using online dating for social reasons and that somehow made it alright. This obviously wasn't the only thing that was wrong here.
You're absolutely right that the friendship you had would have enabled him to handle your response to him IF he was on the same page as you.
But he wasn’t. And he’s not. He showed you that. Clearly.
And I have a feeling you sensed it as well to some degree, even if there was enough positive reinforcement to give you reason to believe you could make this work with him.
"I am done with the way you speak to me, goodbye."
That statement tells you everything that was wrong here. When you called him out on the truth, he couldn’t handle it. When you confronted him directly and wouldn’t accept yet another one of his fluff-filled answers, he turned it around and called you out instead.
This is called projection, Rainie, and it’s what a man does who can’t look within himself for reasons that have everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
He knew he wasn’t being honest with you about why he was still online. He knew that his answer was a weak one – and one he was ashamed of if he was able to admit that to himself.
Your response – aren’t I enough of a woman for you? – speaks volumes. Yes, you were enough. You ARE enough. But only for someone who's on the same page as you.
I can't stress this part enough. In fact, it pains me that you even went there, because it's such a cultural enigma that this is the very first place we go when confronted with the idea that someone might still be looking at other women. Not to question whether he's enough for us. No, but right for the jugular where we ask if we're enough for yet another him.
It wasn't that you weren't enough. It's actually not about you at all. But what this really tells you is so much about him. This is a man who either needs to know that he's got options to prove himself man enough, or keeps that online database handy to keep some amount of space in your relationship, because he’s not capable of getting too close emotionally to one woman who has so much potential for a real relationship.
Regardless of what his reasoning is – and I don’t believe he understands it himself, because most men don’t – what you’ve got is someone who isn’t in touch enough with his own feelings. At least not enough to both admit them and be honest with himself.
And that means he can't be honest and upfront with you, either.
The way he said goodbye shows you the man he really is – and who I suspect you’ve known he is deep down, even if you didn’t want to admit it to yourself because of the potential you saw in him.
What kind of man ends things, with no warning, when his excuses don’t fly with you anymore and you finally call him out on his actions? What kind of man disappears completely after that and doesn’t even respond to your emails after to smooth things over – or at least end things in a more civil manner?
A man who’s scared.
I can’t tell you just how wrong we’ve got our men, Rainie. We put them so high up on a pedestal, deferring to them.
We believe that they’ve got so much more to offer us than we do them, that we miss the fact that most of them are so ill-equipped to be in real relationships. Relationships where there’s no sweeping under the rug all the messy parts that are always there in a real relationship between two very real human beings.
Men feel such pressure to perform, to be these macho, strong, unflinching men who handle anything and everything with calm, practical dispositions.
But the problem is, they’re all very sensitive underneath, and unlike us who’ve been allowed to be more human in terms of how we experience and express our emotions and get support from other women, men not only haven’t been shown how to do this, but they’ve been told there’s something wrong with them if they do!
So closeness – and especially emotional closeness that comes from getting to know someone in a real relationship the closer you get - poses a problem for them because they haven’t learned what to do with the feelings that come up for them and between the woman they’re in a relationship with.
And if they can’t handle or allow for their own emotional expressions, there’s no way they can handle another human being, let alone someone who they’re in a relationship with.
Instead of admitting this, or communicating about it – while some men are able to admit where they're at here – most men feel a certain amount of shame around this inability on their part and instead use different distancing means to cover up this lack in themselves, rather than expose themselves and their shortcomings in this area.
Ironically, it's because of that pedestal we’ve put them up on that they sense and feel such pressure to live up to.
It’s so understandable that you’re having a hard time not thinking of him, and that you have no desire to even think of dating anyone else when your heart still belongs to him. But that’s because of his potential, Rainie, and it’s important to remind yourself that if you could just stop thinking about him, you wouldn’t have been interested in him in the first place.
The fact that you cared enough about him to have as much of a friendship/relationship that you did, is because of the many positive qualities he exhibited.
Most of these men are good men, who would make great relationship material, if only they were able to look within, to see the realities of the cultural male programming that has affected them and their relationships so deeply to their core.
But the fact that they can’t or won’t or are incapable of becoming more than mere potential, is the reason why we need to put them and the relationships with them that we started with so much hope, into the proper perspective to enable you to make the best decision for you.
The bottom line, Rainie, is that if your explosive response to him - that had obviously been building for awhile because you didn’t have the kind of relationship where communication was easy and sharing your feelings and heart was easy - was enough to derail whatever the two of you had, whatever the two of you were building together, then there were obviously other underlying problems that needed to be resolved before you were ever going to move forward from this place.
If one of you wants more than the other, if you’re both not on the same page, something will always cause it to eventually fall apart. You simply can’t be the only one in a relationship who wants it to work.
I hope this helps, Rainie. You deserve so much more than someone who could end your relationship like this!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any advice to share with Rainie? I know so many of us have been here. Tell her what you’d like her to know in the comments below!
Love this ❤️
❤
I am a gay man and I experienced this too. It was just supposed to be casual. I was from out of town and was staying in a hotel. We met online and he came round and had a drink and we had sex. It was very loving but brief. I went back to London and couldn't get him out of my mind. So I booked a room at the same hotel again and we met . . . again and again. He never spent the night - never offered me to stay at his - would promise to visit me in London but it never happened. This carried on for 14 months. I'd book a room at the hotel evey couple of months and we would meet. In between, we would chat online - but even then I knew so little about him. I was starting to realise it wouldn't go anywhere and I was the one making all the effort. Buying train tickets, paying for hotel rooms, take days off and all he had to do was turn up for a couple of hours. Eventually it made me so sad and angry . . . I blew up and he went silent . . . no explaination. I never asked for details because at the back of my mind I knew something wasn't right. And the moment I did, it was over . . . It chips away at you this sort of thing. I want to remember the good times . . . but I also know this kind of thing will eat you up. It was good to read your stories and find some comfort in them.
Sorry to hear what you've been through Harry. Don't blame yourself- we have probably all been in this place, doing everything to make it work and accepting the little we get back. You sound like a kind and caring man. Someone will appreciate this and give you back what you're giving them.
Best of luck
I'm glad reading these helped, Harry. When it's all you buying, giving, planning, making it happen and you stop long enough to realize this, you see what you couldn't see in the middle of it. Don't just remember the good times; you need all the times to balance them out and give you a sense of reality - not another fantasy snapshot - to help you move on! And you will.
Fantastic response & I needed this.
So glad, Juli.
Thank you Jane, for such helpful insight, & for the much needed encouragement you share. I really appreciate all you do to make a difference. Helping to bring comfort, motivation, and giving insight on relationships is such a rewarding gift. Thank you! God bless you!
Sweet words from you, Reeta. I'm so grateful for the opportunity you and everyone who finds their way here give me to do exactly that. It IS such a rewarding gift that comes back so many more times in words like yours! Thank you!
Ilaya Vansant says it best....
"When people show you who they are....Believe them"!!!
End of story! Period.
Move on!!
Love hearing from another Iyanla fan! She was among the first of my early mentors when I was only beginning to grasp what she was writing about, but oh how her words resonated with me. I love this quote - and her beautiful story! Thanks for sharing, Donna!
I give up on men. I m just doing things to make me happy now.
Ironically, Shanita, that's usually how we find our men. 😉
I have almost the exact same story and blew up at him, blocked him last week.... tired of being disrespected like that. When men feel like a loser... they act like one too! They push us away when they need us the most because they feel it’s a distraction when they aren’t on top of their game.
It’s the first time I’ve ever broke up with him (usually he send me texts out of the blue)... so now it’s on my terms.
No contact. Cut off all ties. Let him sit in that emptiness for awhile. Either he will realize that he was a fool or you will meet someone that won’t play games.
Sometimes what you want doesn’t work because what you deserve is so much better!
Hearing you, Melanie. When we remember they're very sensitive little boys who haven't grown up UNLESS they've done a whole lot of work on themselves to bring their subconcious into the conscious, everything about them makes so much more sense. Context is everything.
Jane could you please comment more on the part - joined online dating but how do I move forward when my heart is elsewhere - I think that is something all of us women struggle with.
We don't need to go online dating when we're still struggling with a breakup. It's much more beneficial for us to take time for ourselves, to grieve, and then when ready, to examine what our part was in the painful experience, to examine our internal underlying ideas that are causing us to make decisions that are not good for us. Only when we do this and learn much more about ourselves and get clear on who we are and what we want are we strong enough and ready to meet someone new that matches who we become.
Trying to find someone else without grieving, reflecting and strengthening ourselves may lead to more pain and confusion, not just for ourselves but also for the people we drag into our unexamined state. Just what I've learned .
You're absolutely right, Darlene. So many of us that I wrote a post about exactly this subject. Why looking for someone to replace him never works. Hope it helps! And hang in there, it gets better because YOU get better! 🙂
Silent treatments are common with men who are narcissists. By crossing him, angering him will have made him furious.. (narc fury for which you will be being punished by the "silent treatment"). Whilst you are getting the silent treatment he will be seeking out others to massage his ego which is what he needs. When the other woman/woman, cross him and there is no one to talk to to supply his ego and validate him he will seek out someone else. Often they will go back to a previous supply YOU to try and gain an ego massage.
The chances of him getting in touch again are very positive, I guarantee that at some point in the future he will get in contact again but won't want to discuss the problem of his inability to discuss problems!
I know you love this man but he does not love you. Neither does he love anyone else... he sees woman as nothing more than appliances to massage his ego..
It is him not you with the problem here. I know you have invested a lot of time but this man is not who or what you need... i know it will be difficult to let go but let go you must to save your sanity.. Narcissists are also amazing liars... you will help yourself to go online and google,,, "knowing the narcissist" This helped me no end.. yes he came back and only recently ... but i could not forgive the hurtful silences where he ignored my pleadings.. narcissits love pleadings it gives them such validation and believe me the cycle will continue over and over.
The last word is this. They will take delight in confusing you no end and triangulating you with other women. Yes i know you will be saying this is not him, but it is and just take solace in the fact that this man can not love, neither you or anyone else. He doesn't even love himself. You can not win here as no one wins with the narcissit. If you can take comfort in that fact... but that is why they always come back, one month, 3 months a year.. you are the one who should now give him the silent treatment. Block him on all forms of contact.
I am a psychiatric nurse working with the severely mentally ill as well as personality disorders in a high secure environment. I work with people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.. they are at the top of the spectrum in many cases.
Your man will not hopefully be right at the top but please understand these people do not care about anyone but themselves,, when they do show care it is just to draw you in.. Go online and research you can come to your own conclusions, I found it so very helpful.
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Angela. This is so true - and nothing anyone of us can say or do can change these men unless they seek professional help. The roots run far too deep. And it's to our own detriment when we apply the equally as deeply rooted cultural beliefs that either love can conquer all, or making ourselves more into what someone wants us to be can change them. It doesn't. But it causes often irreparable damage to us in the process the longer we buy into these erroneous beliefs!
In response to my narcissistic ex husband who wanted to have a “friendly” dinner with me and became hostile when I did not agree to meet him :
“Try to consider that you consciously chose to put me through metaphorical hell after I filed for divorce. You actively refuse to see how much pain you inflicted on me AFTER November 18, 201X . Your affair with your mistress was a raindrop compared to the tsunami of pain and disrespect you unleashed on me after November 18, 201X . You decided to escalate the hateful disrespect you have towards me instead of allowing me to peacefully accept your deceitful decision to begin an affair with a married mother of three children.
Because you continue to refuse to acknowledge the gravity of your cruelty towards me after I discovered your deceit, I am going to continue to exercise extreme caution in dealing with you directly. Given how intelligent you claim to be, I am genuinely confused as to why you think I should be readily willing to feel safe in your presence. “
Since receiving this, he has given our son and me the silent treatment that Angela referred to. Additionally, Jane ‘s response although gently delivered, is a truth that from my experience should be heeded as if delivered intravenously to our whole body.
So many of us live life with an optimism that can be pathological.
I wish people like Jane and Angela were in the lives of all young people helping guide them before they unknowingly choose to continue pouring loving energy into people who will only drain them of their strength.
For those of you who speak out with wisdom, empathy and strength, I am genuinely grateful.
Me, too, De Elle. We start this far too young and it almost always doesn't get better before it gets worse. I'm so grateful you're here - and thank you for sharing your own story. My heart goes out to you for everything you've been through.
I've been in the same situation for 8 years ! On / off . It's deverstating too yourself . As I feel it myself .and I did the same I blew up just on 27 Dec . And have not had any contact since . I had a cancer scare had to go into hospital ect and he never contacted me when I needed surport! And by the time he did I felt so angry at him I blew . As it wasn't the first time he let me down . Always his life was always more important than mine . Sometimes he'd apologise but over the years his actions did not stand up to his apologies. And he too was on dating sites in the first few yrs we were together and he also said for being social as he was lonely yet I only live 15mins drive away ! My adult kids turned on him as he was always cancelling dates due to his adult sons probs or his mum who I never meet .yet he had mine . Its gone on 8 yrs of not ever really knowing him ?? Due to him doing his distance thing towards be especially if he'd let me down and I'd ranted via text . So ive not even wished him happy new year! ! As I feel drained with keep hoping things will change . And I need myself respect back even tho I still feel love for him as he did show me himself sometimes . Hope this helps but please don't wait as long as I did it's not healthy for you and you end up forgetting yrself and how a gd relationship can be so loving gd luck mandy x
oh Mandy, thanks for sharing. Long distance is such a favorite place for these men to hide.I'm so glad you're seeing this so clearly now! When you've been here, you understand like no one else can. Here's to you!