I see so many of us striving so hard to become what we feel like we "should be".
Moving as fast as we can to get out of the now that we want to leave, that we’re in such a hurry to put behind us, to become who we want to be.
There’s such an important point that we miss as we go through this journey of life. This life isn’t about all those picture perfect moments that we can neatly photograph and post on Facebook for all our friends and family to see.
You’re not defined by an engagement, marriage, your career advances, the number of birthdays you've had or everything else our culture tells us we're defined by.
Oh it feels like you are, I know. How can it not when this is how our culture engages and celebrates our lives in Hallmark moments like these?
But the truth of the matter, Beautiful, is that you’re so much more than all of these.
It’s the lack of each one of these that makes us feel (deeply) like we’re missing out. That we’re on the outside looking in, and cements a message in us that we’ll never measure up until we attain these rites of passage as our own.
When we’re in our homes and going about our everyday lives surrounded by our familiar people of engaged and married friends, women who’ve become moms and wives or women with another title, our own loneliness assails us and overwhelms us over and over again.
But for now, come back with me to the here and now. Not to the future of what your beautiful heart desires, but to the place you are right now. This place you’re walking through here.
Do you like it? Or do you need to make some minor tweaks (or major changes) to get it to look – and more importantly, to feel – the way you want it to?
What will it take to make that happen?
Leave it to chance, and nothing, or at least very little changes.
Yes, you may meet someone. And yes, things may change simply by you showing up each and every day ready for that change. But that, too, is a very conscious effort. To show up. To look for what is yours to receive that day. To expect that someone beautiful and wonderful is coming your way.
That requires a type of hope that we talk about often on here, and I would hope for you that you’ve managed in your own way to bring that hope to your life each and every single day.
But beyond the type of hope that leaves you feeling like everything is staying exactly the same, that nothing is moving in the direction you want it to, what could this "between now and then" time look like for you?
Let’s do something different with this time right now. Let’s make the memories now. Let’s make something of now, of this time that you’ll never have the same way again, when so many other things come to fill your time.
Now is just as significant as then will be!
It may not have the title or the label that you can’t wait to put on it, but those are goals. You may be a fiancée, or wife or mother or any of those other titles you want down the road, but right now, you are every bit as beautiful and significant and consequential in your own right.
Be love. Be truth. Be compassion. Be light. Be radiance. Be grace. Be feminine. Be powerful.
Be you.
Even if that means being sad.
Be sad!
Be imperfect. Be so very human. Be whoever you choose to be.
But be what you can live with.
Forget what anyone else wants you to be. Forget who you were supposed to be. Shake off the expectations or pressure that trying to be anything but who you are creates.
I know none of this feels easy all the time. I know we get down. We go from being clear with our feet set straight on a path that we’re determined to follow through with this time, to feeling like there's just no way we can keep up.
Sometimes, we need to cry.
But most of all we need to let go of being who we feel we’re supposed to be, and we need to accept who we are. And to find in that acceptance our own version of what it truly means to be.
How about you? Are you finding yourself somewhere in between then and now? You're not alone. Share your thoughts with us below in the comments!
Thank you so much, Jane!! I'm so glad I found my way here, too!!
Thank you Jane for the encouraging words. I always live in the future, preoccupied with what will happen and never enjoy or focus on the now.
I just recently went through a breakup, last week, and it's been tough. I was away for work for 2 weeks, and was telling my then boyfriend how some of my co-workers cheated on their significant other while we were on our work trip. My then boyfriend says, 'a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do'. I told him that what he said was inappropriate, he then said he was just joking. ( mind you he cheated on his first wife years ago- he said he learned his lesson, etc). I basically told him I was turned off and he then said I should be able to take a joke. It turned into him breaking it off with me because I'm too sensitive and that I just can't take a joke. Mind you you mentioned at another time how his ex-girlfriend was hot, etc. And he thinks I overreacted because I said it was inappropriate. Well after he said I'm a wonderful person but I take offence to everything, and that's why he and I won't work out. I told him no woman who has standards will put up with inappropriate remarks and lack of respect and that is rather have someone who will care about my feelings. I am bummed, because I cared for him, but I know I deserve better. I will focus on the now, on myself, and not the future.
Thank you for giving me some perspective today. Take care!
Thank you so much for these wise words of encouragement. I needed to hear it's ok to be me and to celebrate me as I am today, I will walk through this day with more peace, love and acceptance of who I am today and take the heavy armor of: I should be married, I should have children, I'm not doing something right off that I have been carrying around and for today be me. Free to Love my life as it is today. A single, free, beautiful, hard working, independent, accomplished woman with dreams and desires, not married, not a mother yet a as worthy of it all still. A woman who trusts that God has her back. That the right man is out there.
I am feeling happy and committed to loving and living free today.
Thank you!
Tara
Being in the now. True. It's all we have, it's all that exists. I've been feeling strange lately. I don't see the purpose of a relationship. I've been seeking validation my whole life, looking for a boyfriend since I was like 10. It's so odd for me to notice that I have made my whole life one big pursuit of a boyfriend because somehow subconsciously I thought I could only be validated by that. Years of bullying, being shut down, criticized left and right, not being able to express myself nor even knowing who I am. I've been forever looking and never finding. One door slamming after another.
Ever since I started looking for answers, I've been transitioning from being in that state to something else. What exactly? I don't even know. Right now, I feel like I don't have any dreams, no particular desire. Every now and then fears of getting older and becoming even more invisible than I have already felt since childhood crop up and overwhelm me. Other days I feel like I don't even want a partner. I realize that whatever I thought was "chemistry" in the past was nothing more than insecurity and anxiety and frankly, I loathe the feeling now. Without all that, I feel better but I don't even know what my purpose in life is. I feel like my life has no purpose, no meaning. I've come to find men somewhat draining and unappealing.
I started seeing a guy that I kind of liked at first, but now I don't really feel like pursuing anything with him, not that he's trying though. It's all very meh for me right now. I feel like absolutely nothing excites me, nothing interests me, nothing moves me. Not the prospect of finding a partner, not anything.
It's a very strange place to be for me right now.
I feel exactly the same Angel. I am not dating anyone for a long time and i am using that time to understand myself. I feel like most guys are unhealthy for me and most relationships around me are disfunctional. I have two friends who have happy relationships and they keep my hope alive. Focusing what i like about other people's relationships helps me to be positive. Because we need proof of what we want exists. Otherwise, it always seems unrealistic to us. It is also ok not wanting a relationship for a while. After we get to know ourselves and know our worth, we don't get impressed easily by guys. Maybe it is a part of this process. (Sorry for my English)
Thank you, Gizem. Your English is perfect, what are you apologizing for?
That's an interesting point. Finding what you like about other people's relationships, except I don't know people in good relationships. Most of the people I know around me are single people (honestly, thank God for that). I only have a few married friends, but they live in my home country so I don't see them nor know anything about their realities.
I don't know. It's odd really. Lately I just feel like having a partner would be a drag for me. It's like part of me feels that being in a relationship means too much labor, too much changing, just flat out lack of autonomy and freedom. It's weird because I am not sure I felt like that before, or maybe deep down I did and I was willing to put in all that effort because I thought it would validate my life?
Maybe it all stems from the fact that I've never felt like I am fine the way I am, like there's too much wrong with me. I'm too disorganized, think too much, have little patience for injustice and get upset easily when people don't see how their actions affect everyone. I don't know. I'm figuring so much out. I just don't see myself as what people would think of a "good girlfriend". It's like I have no interest in being anyone's anything. It feels confining to me. It's all a big ramble in my head about the whole relationship thing. Maybe I'm not cut out for those.
I think for me to entertain commiting to someone right now, he'd have to show me an entirely different experience. One where I feel listened to, cared for, respected, and overall loved and wanted. One where I would naturally want to give him the same feeling in return. It just sounds like a utopian situation to me. Although not all the men I've found are all bad, the few good ones haven't really showed me that either. It's like I have to do all the work and I'm tired. I'm just freaking exhausted. I feel bad about being in such a stagnant, negative place, but that's just reality for me right now.
I understand that because i had to do all the work in my previous relationships. But when i look at good relationships, i see mutual effort. You described what you want and it feels like utopian for me too. We don't know how it feels because we get the message that we don't deserve it at some point in our lives. These women i mentioned with great relationships are not perfect Angel. In fact i witnessed the difficulties they create to their partners but they don't give up on them because of small difficulties they create. In this situation i probably feel like i become a burden to my partner and start apologizing but they don't do that. They embrace their humanness perfectly. Maybe we should start to feel like this is our birthright. You want a deeper connection and to be honest, most guys can't provide you that connection. They don't know what they are missing, maybe they will never understand but we need to be with someone who understand the worth of being in a loving caring relationship. So, there's nothing wrong with being single for a while than dealing with the same problems over and over again. Just don't close your heart. I am sure you have a lot to offer to someone special. It is natural for you to be single right now. What we want is something so rare. It isn't about you.
You made some solid points there, Gizem. Embracing their humanness. Why is that so hard? It's like I live with these voices in my head that disapprove of everything I am or do. Thinking about those voices... That voice is my father. I still feel the wounds of my childhood everywhere. I love my dad and I understand why he was that way. Intellectually I understand, but those voices are always there and I always feel wrong. I work on accepting myself as I am every day. It's just very hard. I think that's why I choose to stay single. Because I feel like if I let someone too close to me, they'll echo that voice, my father's voice. And funny enough, the men in my past mirrored that perfectly. So as of some two or three years ago, I started looking for men who were different somehow. And yet, it hasn't worked out either because I don't feel any attraction to them. It's like I'm choosing a safe, but extremely boring and unsatisfying path. It's just hard to find the middle ground.
I agree with what you said, about most men not being able to connect with us on that deeper level. I definitely see that. For me, it's hard to find a man with whom I feel stimulated both mentally and emotionally at the same time. I meet men that are nice and stuff, good on paper, but there's no connection even when I try and date them and kiss them and even sleep with them. They just don't reach me. I feel like I can't connect with them. Usually conversation is just... Not there. If I'm not asking questions and sharing whatever, they simply don't say much. It's super awkward. More often than not, I don't have much in common with these men. That's another pickle. It's indeed rare what we're looking for. But I venture to say that most people are content with less.
What has it been like for you, Gizem?
I have problems with my father too. Intellectually understanding them helps but it is not enough. I took Jane's course a year ago and that helped me to not being attracted to the same type that i used to find so attractive. I agree with you about not dating people who is boring for us. After all, isn't it nice to find someone you can laugh together or you can make conversations that inspire you? What i'm saying is that oblivious popular and emotionally numb kind of guys started to seem goofy and unattractive to me. I don't know your criteria about being attractive or boring but i am always attracted to smart and funny guys. That part didn't change. But when i see a guy taking care of someone with love in his eyes i find that so attractive now and that's new to me. I was attracted to the extremely critical guys with no compassion and love in their hearts for me before. They were just like my father. Some of the commitment minded guys are so boring, i can relate to that. You can define what qualities you find attractive and boring for yourself. But something changed in me after the course, maybe it was because of the unbearable pain of my last breakup a few months before i took the course. That pain really changed me in a positive way. Right now i am so grateful that my relationship didn't work out. I am also not very positive all the time. I think that's ok. Going through that bad experiences can make everyone so negative and cynical. I feel so hopeless sometimes too. But i don't stay there for a long time anymore.
I'm glad you took Jane's course too. I did, too and I am revisiting it right now.
I don't have a very specific set of criteria of what I find attractive. I think there are many things that are attractive in a man. The good men I met were not right for me. I got bored because there was no stimulating conversation, mostly. I don't need an intellectual, but I do need someone that keeps me engaged in conversation and who still manages to touch my emotions. I don't know how to explain it because I have never had that, but I do understand that now when I think of the good men I have managed to meet. They haven't done anything wrong and their being commitment-oriented was not the issue whatsoever. It was that lack of mental and emotional connection. I'm glad you're managing your feelings well and that you can stay positive for the most part. It's better than feeling like I am now.
I am taking into account what you just wrote: paying attention to men that exhibit a trait that I need. I think I may have not been focusing on that.
Thank you, Gizem for sharing and for your words of advice.
You are welcome.
This article came at the perfect time for me. During the holidays, being single can make you feel lonely and sad. I work in school where all the teachers are constantly getting engaged, married or having a child. Since it's such a large school, almost once a month, there is a celebration of someone happiness of getting engaged or having a baby. I often get the question from my co-workers, "are you dating? You better hurry up and have a child, you're running out of time" these saying would make me feel anxious and sad.
After my break up with my ex, I finally learned to stop the anxious feeling of rushing to to get married and focused on me. It was such a great feeling not feeling the pressure from anyone. I do get set backs, because my birthday is coming up and I feel like I'm behind my friends in having a family. I've gotten asked out by guys, but majority of them I can tell are not committed minded. Im holding out for the guy who is going to love me for me and want a commitment. In the meantime, I'm doing the things I love to do.
Oh I remember all those, Nett. Don't let them get to you. They're giving you the words they were told themselves and they have no idea what your path is. Feel sorry for them that they don't get any of this! Keep doing the things you love to do. The best place of all to meet someone who you're going to be long-term compatible with is where your common interests intersect. And plan something fun to do for your birthday and those holidays that are the hardest so that you won't be caught off guard missing someone who isn't right for you. There is no behind; there is only the right time for YOU!
All of you wonderful ladies who have commented, I just read all of your posts. Thank you so much for sharing. All of you have helped me. Let's cheer each other on, knowing none of us are ever alone, through all our experiences that we all share here. I'm praying for all of us!!
I don't know how you found your way here, Tia, but I'm so glad you did. Thank you for showing up and being here. We are all touched by you!
Thank you so much, Anne B!! Love to you also!!
Thank you, Tia!
Ella - I replied to you with my email address and so I'm not sure it will post. Maybe that's not allowed? Anyway, I wanted to thank you for your response and tell you to contact me if you felt like it. I'd love to know more about your story and all we have in common. I know I'm an IN??. Have never been able to figure out the last two letters since I identify or don't with so many traits of each!
Some of my story can be found with some searching in the archives. I'm finding that I need to tell it again and again as I learn and change and as Jane brings up new topics that help me see my story from a different perspective. This forum seems to be the best way to communicate, short of email (-:
Yes, I've told my story in various ways on here too but think I've healed and grown through the telling and finally come out the other side. People really do need to tell their stories - for themselves and for others.
I've been reading here for about a year and finding myself coming out the other side, too. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but the healing is materializing through telling these stories. Thank you for your inspiration.
Thanks so much, Jane, for this. It is so beautiful and loving and always just at the right time. I'm transitioning right now, at 54. I divorced 4 years ago this June, after an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage of 27 years. I'm so grateful for my beautiful kids. My son is 23 and nothing like my ex. My son and I are very close. He is very loving and kind and is always there for me. My daughter is 21 and loves me very much. I love my kids so much!! I grew up with an emotionally abusive dad. I am just now learning, with Jane's help how to re-program and unlearn all those horrible things I faced emotionally as a child. That is what I learned from my dad, hence an abusive boyfriend in high school, an abusive husband, an abusive guy friend of almost 5 years who I tried to get out of my life and now, being totally sick and tired of it all ( enough! like Jane has said), I wrote him a letter in a card and explained why I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I blocked him. It's been about 5 weeks. I am so glad. Yes, it hurts. You always want to think about the good times. But I'm not pretending anymore. I'm realizing that negative/toxic people need to be out of my life. I feel so much better. It is freedom. I am learning who I am through Jane's, "Beautiful, Confident, Radiant You" package. For the first time at 54, I'm learning who I am. I'm gaining confidence and learning how beautiful I really am and I don't have to do anything at all. I'm beautiful on my own. I'm unique with all my beautiful talents and gifts. When you love yourself and feel beautiful you are confident and radiate they!! Thank you so much, Jane!! I love you, sweet sister friend, and I love all of you here!! This is the first time I've posted. All of your comments from other posts help me so much!! Thank you!! I'm thinking about the fun I would've had with my guy friend today, watching fireworks and hanging out, and it hurts, but instead I'm going to buy birthday gifts for my grandson and watch fireworks tonight where I live. Happy 4th, Jane, and to all of you!! I cry now having posted everything, but they are tears of joy and relief knowing that better days are ahead. As a dear friend of mine once said, "the clouds will part and the sun will shine again".
Love to you. Happy 4th - true freedom and independence!
Tia,
I took Jane's course too. It was the best money I've ever spent on myself. It helped me out so much. I might even watch the videos again this summer since I'm off. I really love your friends comment of the clouds will pass. I know all of us soon with have the "sun come out". I wish you much happiness.
Thank you for sharing, Tia, and for sharing your story. This is so beautiful - your words here had me in tears. The clouds will absolutely part and the sun always - ALWAYS! - shines again. And every one of us who's been in that rain where the sun seemed so far away, knows exactly what this means. Love to you as well, sweet, sweet sister friend as well. We wake up at any age and it's never, ever too late or behind our due. I can't wait to meet you!
Thank you for this, Jane. Your pieces are often so timely for me. I am 54 years old, unmarried, childless and unemployed. I have never felt a true calling toward any career field and have worked jobs that bored and drained me. I've tried a million different training programs and college majors and nothing has ever fit. I come from a family with generations of lawyers and have even watched my niece grow up and become a successful criminal defense lawyer while I'm STILL searching for my path. I did not inherit the ambitious lawyer gene evidently, though it may have gotten lost and buried long ago. Being lost in this way at a time when people are judged by their ambitions, career success and work ethic has for years lowered my self-esteem to depths of despair.
In the area of love, I have also struggled. I grew up in a chaotic, dysfunctional family with a mentally ill father and I have severe trust issues. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 12 and moved every couple of years to a different relative's house where I felt like a burden or obligation. I was sexually abused at a young age and have never functioned normally sexually, which has made it difficult to find love and a partner, which was really all I ever wanted. I feel like I've never really been seen or valued or loved by a man. I thought a couple of years ago I had found love with an old high school boyfriend but it ended in heartbreak, disappointment and intense feelings of rejection. He walked away without ever reaching out again, even as an old friend. It has taken me a long time to crawl out of the deep pain of feeling too flawed and damaged and unworthy for this man's love and admiration - a man I thought had seen beauty and value in me decades ago.
My self-esteem as a woman and simply as a human has been in the gutter for most of my life. The last couple of years have been especially painful, with the rejection from that potential love and the disintegration of some family relationships whose damage began long ago. I have wondered how I'd be able to go on living. Slowly, however, very slowly I feel I'm coming to a place of acceptance. This is my journey and it cannot be understood or accepted by anyone else. I always wanted and needed that understanding and acceptance so badly, but gradually I'm realizing I don't have to be understood by anyone else. I may look like a failure to the world but I have survived things others could not have without turning to drugs/alcohol, destructive co-dependent relationships and whatever else people turn to in order to numb themselves and live in denial. Perhaps even suicide.
I have felt my pain fully, wallowed in it, been alone in ways that would scare the hell out of most people. I am finally learning to live with what I don't have while being grateful for all that I do have. I am blessed with my health, a house that I own, a pretty yard, a car that runs, a beautiful beach 15 minutes away that gives me peace and little bursts of joy when I step upon it, a couple of good friends, a sweet family of fur babies, love of reading and piles of books, music, food, love of nature, stargazing and many other wonderful things.
In these strange times of social media (my therapist has told me she has seen so much damage done to people by Facebook) and seeing the lives of others played out for us daily, it's even harder to accept ourselves, to not compare ourselves to others. And as a woman aging in a society that values beauty and youth, the challenge is sometimes overwhelming. It's so important to realize though that self-acceptance is the key that opens all doors. Self-acceptance and reconnecting with and nurturing the hurt child within us take us to a place where we can appreciate ourselves and our journey. We can observe others and whatever they want to show us without feeling less than. And from that place we can grow into the more positive and wonderful parts of ourselves, strengthening and deepening the only relationship that truly matters. At least that's what I'm counting on! I feel and believe I've crossed the starting line. Thank you, Jane. Your work and writing has been immensely helpful to me as has reading the stories of your readers. May we all find self-love and inner peace. xoxo
Anne B,
Thank you for telling your story. Your life has played out much like mine. It is astonishing how much we have in common. Are you an INFP, too? (-:
People in my family are teachers, professors, doctors, lawyers, and successful in business, as well as successfully employed and self-employed in a variety of well-paid trades, steadily working for many years in work that is a good fit for them. However, they are not especially successful in relationships!
"May we all find self-love and inner peace."
Kind wishes,
Ella
Thank you, Ella, for your response. I know I'm an IN??. I've never been able to determine the last two letters as I identify or don't identify with many of the traits of each.
I'd love to know more about your story and all we have in common! Please feel free to email me if you feel like sharing.
This is beautiful, Anne. Just like you. Full of grace and light even amongst the pain and heartwrenching reality of what you've been through. I'm so sorry for what you've suffered. I love your gratitude list, and can only imagine how well that sweet family of fur babies is loved! We all have a different path, a different way of being in the world and I hope you're seeing you're not alone in yours. Some of us have crystal clarity about what we want to do and do exactly that. Others of us take the long way around and are no less for it, in fact, we may be far richer because we live outside the lines and experience things so much more deeply and real than the others do. Neither needs to be better or worse than the other; they can simply be different. For those of us who travel outside the well-lit path, our primary concern is to simply not let them dim our own shine that lights our own path. I suspect you're on a beautiful one, even if it doesn't always feel that way, even in the tears and the pain and the fears. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you today!
Thank you for your kind and wise reply, Jane!
This is so timely for me.
Because of a world-wide computer virus that has left me without work for this past week and only a vague possibility of continuing to be self-employed at less than I was making before, which was barely minimum wage, I am having to re-think EVERYTHING about my life.
My working life has been a mirror image of my relationships, each one with the same problems as the one before, because I didn't value myself the way I have learned to do at this website.
For now, my focus needs to be on basic survival. I have enough savings to live for 2 months without working.
All that I have learned here applies to my working life as well. I am worth so much more than I have been told that I am worth.
It is not easy to find work or true love at age 67, but I have no doubt that it is possible. One day at a time, I am going forward with confidence and trust, knowing that I am not alone in my efforts.
As you wrote today, Jane:
"Forget what anyone else wants you to be. Forget who you were supposed to be. Shake off the expectations or pressure that trying to be anything but who you are creates.
I know none of this feels easy all the time. I know we get down. We go from being clear with our feet set straight on a path that we’re determined to follow through with this time, to feeling like there's just no way we can keep up."
Thank you, Jane. I believe it is worth the reasonable financial investment of $5 per month to continue being a part of this community, as I focus on figuring out a way to survive after having lost my meager financial security.
I'm so glad this helped, Ella. Thank you for being such a beautiful and inspiring part of this community. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. No mere words can ever really touch the pain we feel when we're going through it. But I hope you know you're not alone, that all of us here share and feel what we feel on some level together, and that you are worth all the fortunes of the world over just for showing up, for being somewhere, for being present on this path that for some reason has gone the way it is through no fault of your own, only doing the best you can with what you've know at the time. Sending you love and light as you walk through this now, too. I don't know why, but I do know that there is always more to our stories than the endings we tend to give them, and that none of us are ever forgotten no matter who we are or what we've been through or how hard it may feel to be who we are right now.
I have had a life of true chaos and drama. Not by choice. I chose to leave that life and be free of the people that allowed it. My life was so bad because of bad decisions. Guess what?? I took it back. I am single,employed and have a pretty good life now. I've had a heart break recently but know I am not unlovable and need to make sure I fix what's wrong first. Which is what I am currently working on. Love you, accept you and live. Today is only today you arent promised a tomorrow.
These are beautiful words, Erika. Thank you for sharing, and for being here. There are so many of us who've lived with too much chaos and drama, it always helps to know you're never alone.
I'm definitely feeling the loneliness and sadness due to being alone. Since I gave up the only man that I loved due to not being able to make him see me. He used me at his convience only and I allows this for four years, what a waste of time, monies and efforts. Now, I will be 50 years old soon and I don't get hit on by men anymore and online dating is a waste of time and monies also. I want to make positive changes and feel good about myself but don't know how at this stage. Men don't notice me anymore and I feel very unattractive and not worthy since I'm not pretty with a great figure driving a BMW...
Start by changing this part, Annette - you don't want any man who would only notice a pretty women with a great figure driving a BMW. So now that you've gotten that out of the way by clearly stating what you're not, let's have you find out who you are. And by the way, you don't want to be her if that's not you. I suspect what you have is worth far, far much more than that - and will be seen for exactly the treasure you are by someone capable of seeing that. That's who you want. Forget those men who don't hit on you anymore; you never wanted them anyway, right? What you actually desire is someone who sees you. See you, and he sees you, too. It was never, EVER, your role to make someone see you! Shed that! He was never worth you.
I needed to read this today. During this 4th of July holiday weekend I became so aware of what I didn't have or haven't achieved that I became overwhelmed and beat down by my own thoughts that I didn't measure up to where I thought I'd be in life by now. I have an up coming Birthday and I have been really down on myself because I'm getting older and I felt like I don't have tangible things to show as progress for the last few years. In fact, I feel like I've been stuck in the same place for the past 3 years and became overwhelmed with fear that I am not going to move forward from this place. Reading the message that "being who you are in the now" is important gave me some hope and inspiration. It opened my eyes to the fact that I have gone through a lot of changes and a lot of circumstances that are making me a stronger person. So, sure I don't have items to show or pictures of grand things but some of the things I've had to deal with (like loss of close family) have been struggles that have added to my life experience. I've had to cut ties with people, I thought were my friends, in the last few years and my circle of friends dwendled. But this has also made me go back to my roots and reconnect with friends who have had a long prescence in my life but we let life get in the way of our closeness. Now we're communicating again.
Also, I have been focusing on getting out of debt which has also been very time consuming and limiting me to a budget that I've been working hard to follow. This means I've had to cut back on a lot of spending which has been a struggle. However, when I look at my decision in the now I've actually paid off some debt and I am making my own way without needing help from others. I feel like I'm cleaning up my life.
I've also struggled in the relationship/romantic area. Dating has either been not happening for me because I rarely get asked out and when I do it is by the wrong men. This has been disheartening for me because I keep looking for this future time and I felt a strong pressure by others to define myself by a relationship. I often get asked "why don't you have a boyfriend, your a nice looking woman" which really hurts my feelings often. It makes me feel like the person is asking "what's wrong with you" well at least that's what I really hear. I also have to be reminded that I'm alone because many of my friends or relatives are having babies and/or getting married and some people have implied to me that I'm getting past the time for having children or getting married. But when I look at my relationship status in the now, I can see that I am single because I have come to a place where I know what I want and I'm not willing to be trapped in a relationship for the sake of having one or to please others. I actually, can stand being alone or myself enough to say no when the wrong man comes trying to ask me out. And by wrong man, I mean a man that is wrong for me. I can spot the wrong man from miles away. Also I am childless by choice. I decided when I was a child that I wouldn't have children until I was married. I made this decision because I grew up in a single parent home ( my father raised me) and I wanted any children I have to have both parents together. So, acknowledging the now and living in it can change a person's perspective on things. I feel like there are achievements I'm making and I can measure up but if I'm not then that's ok too. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.
And you know you are, Alex. What came through as I read your words, is your own power. You're choosing, not simply accepting anything as your fate, but making real choices in all these areas of your life you've listed here. Be so proud of yourself! It may not always look like you wanted it to or feel like it's much, but every step you take that is about YOUR choice instead of someone else's is absolutely something! No one needs to understand, in fact, the ones who don't understand and don't even care to try, are rarely the ones whose opinions matter anyway. But you, you've got something special going on here. Don't you dare let anyone else's lack of light dim your own!