"You know," he said, "the more accepting I am of my own imperfections, the more I can accept yours."
I’ll never forget the night he spoke these words to me. What he was saying was crystal clear to me.
And it was huge coming from him.
But it was what I had suspected for some time. It confirmed what I have long come to know.
These men we love, these men who hold so much potential, can only accept us for who we are as much as they can accept themselves.
Read that again to let this sink in.
In other words, when they’ve never been given a safe place to express their feelings, let alone understand them, they can hardly understand – much less even tolerate – ours!
Most of us struggle enough with this ourselves to understand how deep and far-reaching this problem is. We’ve had a taste of this by our own lack of acknowledgement from our families of origin when we expressed a feeling that wasn’t convenient for them or went against their own programming of what and how we should feel and thus who we should be.
We were labeled overly sensitive and emotional and not taken seriously, or worse, told either directly or indirectly that we didn’t know ourselves well enough to know what we feel.
It’s hard enough for us, as women, to overcome our view of ourselves and the world when we’ve been brought up like this, but at least as women, it’s culturally acceptable for us to talk about our feelings, to enlist therapists and counselors and coaches to work through these issues, and at the very least to express our emotions with friends as a regular practice.
Imagine what it would be like if you were born male, and not only were your feelings and the expression of them denied, but you were shamed and bullied by one or both parents, by your extended family, by teachers and coaches and the greater culture at large simply because it wasn’t socially acceptable for you as a boy to experience them.
What if then, in an attempt to reconcile who you were with all of your feelings, and what you were in no uncertain terms told was the way you needed to be instead – emotionless, without freedom of expression of anything resembling a more sensitive feeling kind of boy – you resolved to never let them see you cry because your tears would be laughed at and made fun of?
What if you were determined to never show yourself vulnerable, but instead adopted a hard outer shell that deflected blame rather than incur the shame of criticism for how much you disappointed someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally but instead only knew how to shame you?
Can you see it a little more clearly now?
Can you see how his acceptance of you or his lack of ability to see you and accept you for the feeling, caring, emotionally expressive woman you are has everything to do with where he’s come from and nothing really to do with you at all?
The irony is never lost that he chooses you BECAUSE of your capacity to feel, to love, to express the very emotions he’s never known how to get in touch with.
And yet because he’s never been in touch with those feelings, he’s never learned what to do with them in you. This is why he deflects your words back on you when you tell him how you feel in a way he can’t process except to hear the blame in them as a result of his deep programming.
This is why he projects the blame, the responsibility for things not going as planned, instead of looking deep within himself.
He can’t. He simply can’t.
He’s afraid of what he can’t see. He’s afraid of letting you down as well. He’s afraid of not being enough of a man for you. He’s afraid of what he knows you’ll find.
That he’s the one responsible. That he’s the one who’s not good at doing these relationships. That he’s the one who’s broken, wounded, scared. That he’s the one responsible for it all.
Sometimes he tells you this before you discover it for himself. It’s how he lets himself off the hook before you break his heart.
Ironically, if he could allow himself to be seen in this place where he’s only known shame, he’d see you have nothing but love for him. But the shame piece of his story runs far too deep to take a chance on trusting you.
Maybe you have one of the more open ones who admits he’s scared, who feels safe enough with you and by what he’s seen so far in you to share with you his fears and hopes and dreams. But more often then not, don’t be surprised if he pulls away as soon as he’s shared that part of his heart with you.
Remember, it runs deep.
And ironically, if he gives you this chance, he’ll need to see he can trust you to hold space for him and his imperfections, time and time again.
This is where we get lost. We start seeing real potential. And then nothing. Or even worse, it’s when we start to sense he’s already gone.
You know what it took for me to hear those words I heard that night from my husband? An open heart from him. A crack in his armor that let the light in.
And me, knowing not to take everything so personally so that we could even get to that point. And finally, it took me understanding what it means to love an imperfect man.
Not for the exterior. Not for my own motivations. Not through a lens that sees him in a way that doesn’t allow him to be vulnerable and imperfect and a mere mortal man.
But through a lens that sees and accepts the imperfect in me and sees and accept the imperfect in him. Not one that pays lip service to the idea of unconditional love, but one that accepts my own role as well.
You know something, Beautiful? You’re going to feel like you’ve been here a thousand times before.
Like you’ve been loving unconditionally your whole life and getting nothing more than crumbs in return.
Change that around. See how your love inspires. See how your love has the power to bring out more than you can imagine in this man who’s chooses you, who you’ve chosen, too.
See it through.
See it through as long as you need to until you can see if there’s an opening in his heart, a vulnerable crack in his armor that’s capable of opening enough to let you in along with all the love you hold in your heart.
You’ll know when it’s enough. You’ll know when it’s not going to open any further. You’ll feel it. You’ll sense it. You’ll know it’s time.
I did.
But not before I stayed far too long for what I now know. But I didn’t then. So don’t be so hard on yourself.
We can’t hear the words I finally heard until we’re with someone capable of seeing them first. Understand he may not ever be able to say them. Understand that whether he does or not in the end, can’t be solely up to you. Understand that from where he’s come from, a crack in his armor may be all you ever get.
But don’t be afraid of the truth.
If not him, there WILL be someone else.
You're never alone in what you're going through, Beautiful. I'd love to hear how this resonates with you. Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Nicola says
Your words that it was draining ring so true! I tried to let go of my ex when I felt him pull away. I told him I was ending the relationship, no ultimatums, no threats, just told him it wasn't working for me, but when he promised things would be different, he knew he was holding back, he wanted to change, I gave him another chance. Well his promises didn't last long and before long he ended things. But not before he made me feel insane, crazy, clingy, when in fact, I'm really none of those things! I like my independence, I need alone time. I'm not clingy and needy like he said!
And I could have saved myself all of that heartache and self doubt if I'd just listened to how I was feeling and carried through with letting him go.
He still gets in touch now and again. Every time I think to myself, I won't let him get to me, I won't let him drag me down, and every time he does. Even though I wouldn't want to be with him anymore, he still manages to make me feel a little bit down on myself. I have asked him to stay away, told him he is no good for me in any capacity. But that just makes him more determined to keep trying to come back into my life.
What's so unreal is the warped image of us he has. He remembers us being together all the time. In reality, we spent a day a week together if it was even as much as that. And the point I ended it, we hadn't seen each other in 3 weeks. He lives 20 minutes drive from me!!
I am really happy in my life, I am finally seeing there is nothing wrong with me, or the way I am in relationships. I just wish he didn't affect me the way he does, he brings me right back down to feeling like I'm not good enough, I wish he'd leave me alone to get on with my life.
Angel says
Block him. Move if possible. I know it might be difficult, but this isn't about him walking away, but about you going full blast keeping his crap out of your life. He doesn't have power over you. I hope I'm not being crass, but I get mighty mad about us putting up with this b.s. People pull.
I hope you really cut him off.
Nicola says
Thank you, you're right, it makes me so angry that he thinks he has the right to keep trying to win me over only to try to bring me down. I did block him, he called me at work. Saying he didn't know the number then trying to have a conversation. What makes it worse is that he's made it clear he still really doesn't want a relationship!
I have absolutely moved on, but people like him always find a way to twist my words and actions to look like I'm some desperate clingy ex. I wish I'd stuck to my gut the first time and ended things on my terms. He actually said he ended it because he knew I would eventually. But like everything he says, it means nothing!
Rhonda says
Wow! This spoke volumes to me. It defiantly made me look at things from a different perspective. I've been deeming my ex a narcissist. And maybe this is what qualifies you.Idk, but I know I still love him and I cannot shake it! I feel like I'll hold on til the end of time. Isn't that what we all want. Someone to love us that much. Help me to learn how to help him . Help him to see how much I love him and finally find out if he truly does love me or not.
What a shame that this world is like this. A world that places shame on feelings.
Nett says
This article really resonated with me from my personal experience. He told me that he had a bad experience in the past and that he wasn't "a broken toy". He was putting his life back together and even going to therapy sessions. Through it all, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and showed him what a true, loving relationship was. However, as time passed I could see he still wasn't opening up to me. He still held back feelings or even expressing how he felt about things. He had a complete armor that sometimes I would be able to get through. As soon as I got through that armor, he would pull back. The constant tittering of being close and then pulling away, really drove at my self esteem.
I know it was best to move on from this relationship. I feel these relationships are draining on your self esteem and emotions. I think you're 100 percent right when you know when it's time to let go. But there is always a part of us that can't and want to see what happens or if he changes.
I just learned that it's truly best to have a man that is emotionally available and open to commitment. If it's complicated then you know it's going to be difficult and not end well.
ella says
"You’ll know when it’s enough. You’ll know when it’s not going to open any further. You’ll feel it. You’ll sense it. You’ll know it’s time.
I did.
But not before I stayed far too long for what I now know. But I didn’t then. So don’t be so hard on yourself. "
Thank you for your insights and the gentle reminder for us not to be so hard on ourselves. If I had not been listening to what you have learned, Jane, and listening to the experiences of the other women in this community, I would not have known to let go (last November) of the man I opened my heart to the previous spring after so many years of not being able to open my heart as a result of severe trauma in past relationships.
He did let down his guard with me and then he did pull away. I could not let him go until I realized that holding on to him did not feel at all right for me. I no longer have the ability to hold on to someone who pulls away. A miracle! I realized that I needed to go forward with my life and refrain from contacting him. It wasn't easy, and I must admit that I have my moments of wondering if he will ever contact me again, but for the most part I am experiencing a new freedom and a new happiness.
Thank you so much, Jane, for helping me go forward with an open heart.