I like to think of it like the light.
We can know what we don’t want, what isn’t right for us, by what feels dark, scary. What we’re afraid of.
So if we’re afraid to lose him because we don’t know if there’s anything better out there, that would be the dark.
But then there’s this beautiful place of light that few of us have been told about. It’s where we find what we do want.
It’s like marching for what we want vs. protesting against what we don’t want. There’s a beautiful difference there that happens in the energy you create and put out there.
So when you focus on what you do want instead of what you’re afraid of that you don’t want, you’re in the light. We know if something’s right for us by whether we feel like we’re in the dark or the light.
If it feels heavy and dark and hopeless, it probably isn’t right for us. If it feels light and airy and hopeful – even if we can’t quite believe it because it’s so unfamiliar – that’s probably something that’s right for us.
No, you don’t have to do anything. You really don’t.
You don’t have to grow or shift and change or really do anything different at all.
You don’t.
There’s nothing making you or forcing you to do anything. This is so important because we spend so much of our lives fearing all the lessons that we don’t want to have to learn.
I lived in such fear that I was going to have to be tested in the cruelest ways – namely, by being denied my dreams of a husband and family. I felt it was some cruel test that I had been somehow selected for.
I dug in my heels fighting the whole idea that I had to go through something awful to get to somewhere good, but it persisted.
Well, what I learned since then both in my own personal experience and through years of listening to all your stories, I’ve also seen over and over again. You don’t have to do anything to have your answers come to you.
Rather, in the midst of that fear, in the midst of our indecision, if we can calm our anxious selves enough to truly listen, the answer always comes.
It’s a stirring inside us. It’s a feeling that there might just be something more than what we’ve always done and how we’ve always seen the world. The world we've seen through a lens we never realized might be someone else’s and not our own.
Or at least the lens we long-learned to see through but was never a choice as we knew it.
No, you don’t have to. But when that stirring comes, when that undeniable feeling comes that calls you to something more, to something deeper, to something that suddenly seems so true, so real to you, if you do choose to follow it, there’s something beautiful in the process for you.
Along the way.
"If you choose" is so important because no, we absolutely don’t have to. We don’t.
All these rules, all these things we do and say because we think it’s the way, we don’t have to.
It’s the very choice that’s inherent in our actions here that makes this ours to run with.
It’s taking a chance on you for a change. It’s seeing where you might go. It’s seeing what you might become.
And what might become you.
Oh there’s nothing to fear, Beautiful. This is a ride custom made for you. You can feel it’s calling. That’s why you choose it.
And it’s in the choosing that you find something that comes from the light, not from the dark. It’s in this choice that you find yourself free, and happy, and loved. Not held down by a weight that has you doubting that you took the right path on embarking on this journey.
So if you’re not sure, or if it feels dark, you don’t have to do anything at all.
Or maybe you want to keep moving that one step forward toward the light that you see. Maybe it’s in the moving forward that you’ll find what you really need.
What about you? What feels dark and scary to you, and what feels "light"? Share your story with us below in the comments!
I definitely feel lighter these days. I have lots of interests that I love and I prioritise my emotional wellbeing in my interactions with men now. I don't generally get that dark scary feeling anymore because I just don't go there with anyone who spells trouble or who doesn't feel safe yet. Thinking about the current state of the world feels dark and scary but that's another conversation! It's been over a year now since I started doing this work, and my concern is that I just haven't met anyone who feels safe, never mind safe to me and who I find attractive! I find the red flags just show up so quickly now, and I choose the light over the dark, but then I wonder, is there really anyone out there who is suitable?
when we realize that its"normal to feel scared insecure.doubtful and off-center when your heart is broken twice in four years fears feelings such as doubt, rejection, anger, frustration, and confusion unfortunately, most of us get stumped. i cannot allow myself to get trapped in believing the messages my ego is feeding me with powerless. helpless self. i identify with fear.it takes courage when your heart is wide open for him and get flooded with fear remembering this greater truth when you can not feel whole without whatever it may be. enduring hurting relationships rather than enjoying healthy ones.
Dark and scary.
It has just occurred to me that when life feels dark and scary, that is exactly when I want to reach out to a man who cannot be there for me.
I wonder how much that has to do with having a father who was often absent physically and emotionally, although he loved me in his distant way.
I also occurred to me yesterday how wanting to reach out for someone who cannot be there for me is not very different from reaching out to unhealthy food or alcohol when I think there is no "someone" who can help me. I no longer reach out to unhealthy food or alcohol because when I do, I experience craving. Food and alcohol only cause me pain and create in me the belief that if only I can get enough, I will find relief. There is not enough unhealthy food or alcohol in the world to bring me relief.
So, my last resort for the past 30 years has always been to seek relief by turning to a man who cannot be there for me. There is an addictive quality that arises when I turn to an unavailable man for the comfort that he cannot given anymore than unhealthy food or alcohol could give me comfort.
Just this morning, I wasn't conscious of feeling something dark and scary, but suddenly I remembered the words of the man who came into my life last year and then withdrew almost immediately. What he said to me was, "I hope that you will be at my bedside when I die, and that you will tell the story about the time I remembered all the words to a children's song." And my next thought was, "He wanted me to be there when he died. I should call him." He said this last summer. I was baffled by his words because he hadn't given me any indication that he wanted a relationship with me.
This morning after having that thought, I remembered that, beginning in October, he clearly was withdrawing from me, and I just kept pursuing him. Then I remembered that I haven't seen him since early November, that I didn't hear from him between Thanksgiving and Christmas, although he called on Christmas Eve in the afternoon and left a message. He called one other time a month later, but that was because he wanted me to do something for him. I have not heard from him for a month, after declining to help him.
It is a dark and scary thought that, if I not learned about my patterns here on this website, I would have taken that addictive thought of him "needing me" and run with it. I would have called him and set the whole sad cycle in motion again. I would have forgotten that I have needs, too, and that he said to me last spring, "I can't help you." I didn't think that I was asking for help, but now I know that I was asking for help from a man who knew he couldn't give it and was telling me so.
This morning after my yoga practice, just after the sun came up, I dressed warmly and took a 1/2 hour walk in the sparkling light of the sun on the snowy landscape.
That walk this morning is a beautiful of symbol of choosing what's "light."
Thank you, Jane, and everyone in this community. We can walk in the light.
I think the biggest challenge for me is to stay in the path of least resistance. It's paradoxical because for me, doing what feels light means not looking, not dating. But at the same time, I start worrying that because I'm not doing any of that, I won't meet anyone with whom I can discover what romantic love is. So I go back to "how can I" what should I do? And on and on and anxiety kicks in again.
I think it's probably because I live in a culture that values doing more than being, getting things done. And I freak out because I go back to thinking it's my fault if I do and get no results.
It is also quite annoying that my programming sort of takes over without me even noticing. Since the men I have been attracted to have all been unavailable to me, it's as if my mind is prepared to find those only. Very few times have I found the available type. So I go into despair mode. It's like I go so many places in my head. Like it's so hard for me to just believe that I am fine as is because all I remember is people who have criticized everything about me. As a result I can show up quite harsh sometimes. Like it's just not easy for me to be how I feel inside. I feel like my survival mask cannot be turned off anymore.. I have been able to be sweet and bubbly only with one man in my entire life. I wish I could meet someone like him again. I wonder if that means I just need to find someone with whom I feel safe instead of keeping focus on the guys that are indifferent towards me. It's just so hard to find one who feels safe and good to me.
I still cannot intuitively tune into the light as you put it, Jane. But this post reminds me I have to focus on that more.
Thank you, Angel. I relate to not looking, not dating at this point. In the process, I am learning so much about myself, about who I was before I put on my survival mask. I have never opened to a man the way I did to the young man I met when I was 17 but with what I am learning here, I believe it is possible. Maybe something even better than that is possible for us now, knowing ourselves so much better and knowing that we can thrive with or without a man in our lives.
Thank you, Ella. Hopefully we will. I feel ok for the most part about the possibility of ending up alone. It doesn't bother me or make me panic anymore. It saddens me a bit, but it's like "Oh well". I will be fine either way. It would be nice to experience something meaningful and loving with a man someday, though.