You want him to feel what you feel.
You want so badly for him to feel what you’re going through. You want him to feel the pain of your broken heart.
How could he do this to you? How could he be OK that he did what he did to you? You don’t see the role you played. You can’t. You can only look to him. After all, he did this to you, whatever this may happen to be.
He led you on. He promised so much. Until it all fell apart. Until he let you down.
You want him to feel your pain. You want him to experience what you’re going through.
If he could only feel it, you think, then somehow he would have to pay for what he’s put you through. After all, you only responded to what he came on so strong with in the beginning with you. While he did the worst thing he could have done.
He led you on. He kept you hanging on. And then he disappeared or distanced himself from you.
It’s not fair.
No, not at all.
But here’s the catch. It’s not fair only if you see it like this.
But how could you not? You could never have done what he did to you! But he did. So you’ve placed a judgement on him and made him bad. It lets you off the hook and allows you to feel better about it.
Except you don’t. In fact, isn’t it the exact opposite that’s true?
You feel horrible. You feel betrayed. You feel so helpless, and so victimized.
It all comes back to how he could possibly have done this to you. You gave so much. You overlooked so much. You worked so hard. You, you, you. It was all you.
But there’s an irony here that can be the turning point for you if you allow yourself to see something that we almost always miss. You see, the only reason you can judge him like this is because this is how you judge yourself.
It’s only because you hold yourself to such high standards that you hold him to those same standards, too.
You don’t allow for his humanness because you don’t allow for your own humanness. You can’t let him go because you can’t let yourself go. You can’t accept that it’s just two people on two different pages because that doesn’t place the blame where you so need it to – on him.
You try so hard to make him see, to make him feel your pain, to somehow get through to him so he can feel this pain too.
But when you can’t - and no, you can’t, because he isn’t capable of feeling like you do and that’s why it’s gone the way it has - you need some place for that blame to go so you turn it back on yourself.
If he can’t accept the blame because he couldn't care less and doesn’t feel anything, you’ll take that blame on yourself.
You’ll blame you.
But you can’t because that hurts too much, too. And it’s wrong. Because it’s about him, not you. Or so you convince yourself.
You see, you judge yourself so harshly. That’s why you can’t walk away, let him off the hook, move on without looking back.
And that’s why there’s only one thing that will change everything here; it’s called forgiveness.
Starting with you.
Self-forgiveness. Then, forgiveness for him.
You accept yourself in all your humanness. The little girl inside you that did the best she knew. You did the best you could at the time with what you knew then!
Can you see the little boy in him? I know how hard you want to keep judging him, keep making him wrong - especially after what he did to you. But what if seeing him in all his own humanness allows you to free yourself? What if releasing him from your judgement is the only way to release yourself?
No, it doesn’t absolve him of his responsibility. No, it doesn’t shift the blame from him to you. It takes it out of the equation and gives you your power back, your beautiful you!
What it does do is free you.
It changes everything.
Forgive yourself, forgive him, accept both of your humanness, and suddenly he loses all this power over you.
But I can’t, you say. He did me wrong.
I know all your reasons because this is where I was always stuck, too. Every part of you will resist this until you’ve tried everything else and have nothing left to try. And then, when we’re at the lowest place we’ve ever been, we give it all up.
And that’s when love finds us.
Self-love always finds us first. Right after we forgive ourselves – and him. Because without forgiving yourself, you can’t move on.
Forgiveness. Self-forgiveness. It’s the last thing you want to do. But it changes everything.