I used to be so afraid of the truth coming out.
The truth about whether he was really into me, the truth about who he really was, the truth about whether he was ready for a commitment and especially the truth about whether he would ever want to marry me and have children.
I’d always just assume we were on the same page because after all, we were having so much fun, and it was so much easier to keep enjoying what we had rather than ruin everything with reality checks.
So much easier to keep on going then rocking the boat with things that would surely work themselves out in the long run if we were meant to be.
Except that things don’t just work themselves out when you’re on two different pages. Except that reality checks are an important part of knowing what you’ve got – and who you’re with. Except that we have to go through reality if we want a real relationship based on shared values and shared long-term views that will come through at some point whether we’re ready or not.
Because life happens.
We find ourselves in situations we never expected to find ourselves in. We find ourselves needing real support, real love, in ways that we just assumed would be there for us.
Except they’re not. Except that he’s not. Except that it got too real along the way and now we’re at a crossroads not sure what to do or say. With so much of our hearts and souls invested, where do we go from here?
Some of us stay. Some of us go.
But all of us learn.
We learn to listen a little more closely. We learn to watch with eyes open a little more clearly. We learn to hear what isn’t said as much as what is.
We allow ourselves to feel what we can sense behind the scenes even though the words may be there. And more than anything else, we learn to check in again and again with these very hearts and souls of ours that know so much more than we ever learned to give them credit for.
What we finally see comes out for a reason.
Not to hurt you. Not to throw your world into a tailspin because it was going so good. Not to punish you. Not because you deserve it. But for one reason only.
To show you what you need to see to know the truth.
The truth always comes out in the end. Who someone is always reveals itself at one point or another. Always.
We can resist seeing it for a long, long time. We can deny it and keep sweeping what keeps trying to come through under the rug for an even longer time. But at some point, it catches up.
At some point, no one can avoid the truth. What we tried to keep neat and tidy is no longer neat and tidy but oh so real.
Don’t be afraid of it, Beautiful. It’s information. That's all it is.
Take that information and ask yourself if you can live with it. If it’s worth it to you. If he’s worth it to you.
Your answers matter. They tell you everything you need to know if you’re ready to listen to them. The truth will always be there regardless of whether you want to see it or hear it or accept it.
What you do with that truth will always be up to you. But don’t run from it. Don’t be afraid of it. It has to come out. It’s not happening to you, Beautiful. It’s happening for you!
What do you need to see, to hear, to check in with yourself about? What have you learned? Every one of those things matters. Share them with us in the comments!
My marriage of 40 years has ended, leaving me totally lost and devastated. My husband is almost 7 years older than I, and when he turned 65 he gave up his job and decided to go travelling around the country. I wanted to be a part of his adventure as other couples would have done, but because he didn't want to compromise with me to travel in comfort, as I wanted to buy a outback caravan, so that we could go off track if we wanted to, but he wanted to "ruff"it by sleeping in the back of his car. The other problem was I wasn't old enough to receive the old age pension, which only added to our problems. The arguments started and he grew cold towards me and finally left on his new found life without me. I have been abandoned and I have this heart wrenching feeling inside me as I am faced to spend the rest of my life alone without the man I loved. I take everyday one at a time, but its the hardest thing I have ever been faced to do.
i can very much relate to Courtney here. Going through the same thing after 6 years exactly the same thing. This hot and cold is not normal and its devastating for us. The fake promises, the years investing for NOTHING. I will not again date nor marry. Seems to me there are a lot of unstable people out there. I have only myself to blame as I ALLOWED it as I loved him completely but he only chose to love me sometimes. weeks of ignoring etc and still he has the odacity to text me saying he loves me and wants me.....but we dont see each other as HE said HE has issues.....not a care in the world about how I feel....... what I learned from this is that no man can be trusted. Nothing they say is true. all the times i moved my things to his house only to be told after days to take it all back again. and i still love him but he has destroyed my beliefs in men for good....
I have been in a relationship for seven years and I often ask my self where is this relationship heading. When I ask him I always get a promise to marry me in the next year and it has not happened. Last year I found out that he married someone else two years ago and they have a child together and he says they are in a process of getting a divorce. We live in different cities and I only see him on weekends.
Recently I found out that he is a having an affair with a married woman. I have invested so much time an energy in this relationship and I think part of the reason I am still with him is because we have a four year old child together.
It's never easy when you have a child together, Deon. My heart goes out to that little one. But being with someone who has affairs and is doing the same thing to someone else as he's doing to you isn't the answer either. I hope you get some help to sort through this. Some outside professional help from someone trained in this area can help you see what you need to do for everyone - but especially the children. My thoughts are with you.
I m afraid he's secretly gay. I've read online and most gay men in relationships with girls have a low sex drive with them. Mine has a high sex drive. Maybe hes bi. Or maybe I'm paranoid. Rrrrrr
Soon it will be two years since we broke up, a lot of things have happened since: I started living alone in my new apartment, started an MBA course, being busy ... the pain has ceased, memories are fading. I even saw him once passing by in a car, but we had no direct contact. I sometimes wonder whether I have made a mistake, whether I could live with him next to me, but not really living with me. Especially when the hard reality kicked in, posing questions about us really living together, from sharing expenses, to planning things other than restaurants or vacations.
A lot of things have happened, but not the “big” stories like I met a new man; the same page, living together, kids…. Then, thinking about this “big” story, I cannot say I am still ready – and I get confused again: maybe me (or maybe both of us) got lost and scared thinking about what should be next?
Anyway, it was how it was – I could not stand the same wall we were hitting … There was no moving forward for us. What I keep wondering is why am I still somehow keeping myself from the world, from other man – is it my fear, or me slowly enjoying having my life?
Thank you, Jane and all, would like to hear your thoughts on this.
It takes time, Sly. Go easy on yourself. Always wanting those "big" stories, myself, I've learned that life and love happens more in those "little" stories in the day to day than in the big ones. Ask yourself who those big stories are for - you or the people you can tell them to? If your own goal is to be happy, what might a "little" story be?
This week I learned that there will be set-backs. Once again, I take 2 steps forward & 1 step back, falling into old patterns. For me, this is addictive behavior that unfortunately feels oh so comfortable & familiar. I'm working on reprogramming my "addictive demands" which tend to interfere with my rational decisions. (My decisions are based on emotion, rather than truth). A work in progress I guess. As Oprah says: "ask yourself...what's the right next move?" Right now, I have NO idea,
Thanks Jane for the spark that lit the flame under me 🙂
Love Marguerite
Oh I so hear you, Marguerite. And that's what makes these changes so difficult - because they ARE "oh so comfortable & familiar". Be so gentle on yourself. We are all beautiful works in progress - one day, one step, one spark at a time! 🙂
I have just ended a 7 year relationship with a guy, because we have never been on the same page. We used to have so much fun, wonderful chemestry, but when it was about making plans for the future, he was always hesitant, never ready, all focused on his career and money.. besides, he was extremely attached to his mother, and she never loved me. He used to tell her everything that happened between us, even little arguments, so that she believed I wasn't good enough for him. The cruel part is that I tried to break up a couple of times, and he never accepted, promising that things would be fixed. He even proposed me once, just to avoid losing me. He used to blame me not for making a big decision, saying that he couldn't stand my sad face, always pointing his finger to something wrong about me. Nevertheless, I tried some more, until this year I decided to put an end on everything. After this, for 2 months, he was chasing me with messages saying that he missed me a lot, sent me a huge email pointing all my qualities, but the decision never came. The last day I saw him after these 2 months I pointed out that this situation of seeing him, reading his messages of love and caring, without any conclusion about our future, were making me feel very sad. I wondered what he really wanted with me and he simply answered "I want to BE with you, no matter what". This was not a concrete answer like "I want to marry you next month" or "I want to move in with you, let's find a place". Then, since I was so sad that night, he added that even if it was to get married, he couldn't do with me like that. Because I was sad, not perfect? That was beyong acceptable and I told him to forget me, to leave me alone, that I would never want anything with him anymore. He desperately tried to fix things saying that he would do anything, that we could buy a ring, sign a paper, he even proposed. I said no. I don't want things like that. He proposed me once, just to have me around, and I learned the lesson. He went home and ended all the situation texting me saying that he was extremely sad with all that, he concluded that I didn't love him anymore, but he loved me so much, he was hurting himself so much and, If I wanted to have a serious commitment with him, I would be the one to ask him. He inverted the situation just to make things easier on his mind. By the way, he used to invert things. Then, he blocked me on whatsapp, removed me form his facebook and everything. Now he decided to accept a job on another city, so he finally moved from his mother's house (that was also an issue on our relationship). He communicated me that by text messaging, just saying that he accepted the job and was really happy. Didn't even say "good evening" or asked me how I was doing. My heart was really broken, I'm still recovering, since I used to have great feelings for him. What helps me is the fact that I have a very interesting life,with lots of great activities, friends and interests, so I put my energy on them. But it's not that easy.
This guy is interested on me n have known him for a long time since 2010. Whatever I say he remembers which i guess is a good thing. He tells me about him spell these days n asks questions like what HS I went to etc
Over the weekend I asked him on messenger if he's coming to the awards night coming up n he said no "I'm not, but you go, there should be great food :)" I was so sad to know he's not coming but he's been liking the posts I do not share on FB even tho he hasn't answered. I was afraid to in invite him to my secret foodie group on FB n I didn't wanna ask him n my guts say invite him to the group n see what happens n I guess he's foodie.
What I learned is he's a gentleman n he's sweet n whenever I hear him talk I feel he's telling the truth. I have a feeling he will be my next boyfriend sooner/later. I'm enjoying every moment being single until he becomes my boyfriend or when that day comes.
I know there's 2 more gardening days: 1 at the end of this month n 1 in Nov then no more til Jan 2017. I thought what am I gonna do when gardening is over in that time frame? I would like to see this 1 true guy who's interested in me n I'm interested in him aka interested in each other. I thought of maybe a date or coffee or 2 & seeing him during the time.
Idk what to do if I'm shy to msg him or he's too shy to msg me. I thought to myself what can I do if me n this guy are interested in each other?
I am currently going through the same situation but things are reversed. Met him and wanted to take it slow -- really get to know each other before falling too hard. Well he fell hard and quick - saying he never loved anyone like me, talking marriage and forever. Well 8 months in, I let my guard down and fell too -- madly, passionately, deeply. Recently we hit a rough patch -- he was not honest with me and I became insecure and needy. It has been about 3 weeks that things have been off. Not anything dramatic, but no longer all flowers and rainbows. I know I haven't acted perfectly, but honestly neither had he. He now says he doesn't think we are going to work. At first I was crushed, and still am to an extent, but I am trying to concentrate on the fact that real love and real relationships are tough. I need a partner who sees my flaws and loves me regardless. Someone who will fight through the hard times. Not someone who is in "kid love." Thoughts?
I still find myself afraid of finding out the truth: I always just assume this guy won't be it, no matter how much I want him to be. Now I have gone a complete 180. Instead of being hopeful, I start looking for negatives, signs that say he's not into me to get myself ready to walk away. Now I find myself impatient to find out what the catch is from the get go. I have come to hate dating. I wish I could just skip the beginning and get to the part where we're both happy, compatible and comfortable. But oh well... Life just doesn't work that way.