This week, I'm answering a letter from one of our gorgeous readers, who has chosen to call herself "Pieces of Me" (which I've shortened to Pieces). She feels like the guy she's been with for 6 years has only been playing her, with no intention of any real commitment.
Here's her story:
Jane, why is it so hard for me to let this guy go? Clearly he has moved on with his life... :((
This has been an on again off again somewhat relationship for the past 6 years. We met on a social dating site and the way he pursued me caught my attention because he seemed confident and consistent.
Soon after we officially met in person we instantly hit it off, but shortly after we became "official" the communication began to dwindle. I would bring it to his attention and because of our work schedules and me having kids it began to make it hard.
He never took me out all we ever did was hang out at his house, he always had an issue with money and he didn't have a car but I understood and really didn't make a big deal out of it, but after a while I began to feel insecure like did he really love me the way he said he did? Was he ashamed to be seen with me in public?
And to top it off I never met any of his family members or went to any of his family functions.
Yet, when I would try to break up with him from the lack of what I felt I deserved, he would hit the roof, like it was coming out of totally left field and he thought the relationship was going great.
We stayed off more than we were on and we would stop talking for 3 or 4 months and when I think it's finally over he would somehow randomly call or text me saying that he could never get over me.
I would catch him on profiles of other women on the dating sites and he would always say he's single and that he was looking for his "rib".
It hurt me because he would tell me that I was his rib and that he loved me, but did he really?
Jane, I really feel like I was played and I usually could see this type of guy a mile away but I guess what threw me is that he always kept coming back to me. I never pursued him even though I wanted to be with him, he always put his feelings out there to make believe that we probably were meant to be.
He was a man that had no actions to his words with me but when he was talking to these other women on the dating sites he was making an effort to take them out and get to know them, he talked about things with them that he never told me. I feel sad because I trusted him and that's very hard for me and it seems like I'm just left here in my feelings and he's moved on to the next.
I guess with my old-fashioned up bringing I still believe in true love in a world filled with some people who don't truly know what it means to genuinely love without playing games. I just feel stupid, at 37 years old I should've known better, by the way he's 46 years old so I thought for him the playing would be over.
- Pieces Of Me
My Response:
Oh Pieces, there’s a reason you can’t let go, no matter how much you’ve tried to. There’s still something more for you to see. You’re stuck in the “I feel stupid” part, the only part we feel like we have any control over, the part that’s about you.
This guy has an established pattern here. He’s predictable. You know what you’re going to get with him. In the six years, he’s established this pattern and he knows full well what your terms are and what he can get away with.
He’s living the life, isn’t he?
But you, this isn’t the way it was supposed to be, is it? You look back, you look back on what turned into six years and you feel the weight of it all.
The playing is never over for those who only know how to play. He does what he does because it works for him. He knows how good he’s got it. He wants you – but he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
What this is really about, is you.
You feel like you should have known better. You’re beating yourself up for what you should have done instead. You feel like your values are only reflected in a different time and place. You feel like who you are doesn’t fit in here in this time and place you’ve found yourself in. How many of us echo your sentiments here!
Acknowledge every one of these feelings you’re left with.
Write them down. Pour out your heart on paper. With every stroke of your pen, allow each of those feelings to be heard and felt and honored. It feels exactly like how you’re describing it. Every one of those feelings are real!
We who live by our feelings understand you and what you’re going through here more than you know. You’re not alone.
What you’re describing resonates with so many of us who can relate to those feelings, who’ve lived through a similar time frame where we, too, thought we could trust and believed what we felt and were left wondering how we ever got here.
What you feel, you can heal, Pieces.
Your heart that feels like it’s being broken wide open is bringing you through to another place where you’re going to find something so different from him.
We find our peace in accepting what we can’t change. When we're in that place of peace instead of that anxious, crazy-making place where being with someone like this can't help but land us, we can think clearly enough to finally do the most loving thing we can do for ourselves. We find the courage to finally let him go.
You can’t change him. You can’t change the past. But what you can do is accept that you thought you could trust him, you thought he was different, and as different as he may have been, he still wasn’t and isn’t capable of giving you what he may have led you to believe he was.
It's so hard to accept when our hearts have been played, and especially when it’s not the first time.
You’re human. You deserve compassion and grace and understanding for what you couldn’t see and didn’t know how to see it before it had the power to hurt you.
Accept who he is. Accept who you are.
I can tell you that there is someone who’s going to feel the way you do, who’s going to have the heart and the will and the soul to be there for you and only you. Someone who will love you and only you.
Someone who you won’t ever have to worry about catching online giving more of himself to someone else than he’s giving to you!
That’s not love. That’s not commitment. That hurts! And he’s taking away the time that you could be spending with someone else who shares your values, who’s available right now and doesn’t have it in him to ever play games with you.
Write him a letter you don’t send pouring out your heart, getting down everything you want to say to him.
Write another letter to yourself. Write down everything you want to say to yourself. But then allow yourself to hear the voice of someone who stands up for that little girl inside you who’s hurting right now, someone who loves you and accepts you just as you are.
Then I want you to look for those people who share your heart, Pieces. They’re out there. We’re out there. And one way or another, we always find each other.
Don’t give up now. I hear this over and over again. We almost give up right before the good stuff happens. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, it’s never too late to do what you know in your heart of hearts you need to do for you!
What do think? Was Pieces played by a masterful player? Share your thoughts with her and the rest of us below in the comments!
p.s. Oh, I forgot... I had also written to the customer service of that matrimonial website through which I had met him, to inform them that he was giving wrong information, that he had taken all my savings away (that is true). So they removed his profile and he cannot be there anymore (they check identity) at least on tat website, he can not cause damage any longer. Again not as a revenge but in the hope that my horrible experience can prevent other women from being mislead.
Thanks, Dana, for your clear vision. I wish you good luck and a loving and positive relationship.
Pieces, I'm a single mother, too. and for long I hadn't been aware that we are perfect preys for such predators... Often we don't have so much time for socializing, dating, going out, etc. and we feel very lonely. So we feel grateful that "at least" a man is interested in us and we accept things and behaviors which shall not be accepted.
We are so "hungry" for love than we accept to eat "rubbish". Be happy he's gone. That is the happy end of the story. Organize a party!! You got rid of him, finally!! A good reason to be proud of yourself! Would you wish your daughter/son such a partner? Of course not!! At times it helps to reflect like that so you can have a more correct perception of the reality.
I've been also wasting years with people which were merely not worth my time and attention and love and who most of the time took advantage of me. I'm so honest, I just can't imagine a man says he's single (was never married) , but is actually married (even if slowly divorcing) and with kids he hardly took care of and never paid a penny for (he's also 46 now, btw.. and a pharmacy manager in GA..)... I just can't imagine that 90% of their words are mere lies. It's beyond my imagination!! As Dana said, such people are the problem, not me, not you! Their mind is so twisted... so it's normal you got caught... because you are unable to think and act so bad as he did/ does.
Please read articles about sociopaths, it might help you. Actually this "male" (he can't be called a man, sorry... a man is a human being... being human... he's not...) damaged your mind, broke your heart and misused your body.
There should be a list on the web where you can type the name, birthdate, location, etc. of a person and see if there are many bad reviews of that person. It would reduce their chances to harm... Guess what i did with that pharmacy manager as I got sure that he was married and had kids? I reveals that story to all his fb friends... not as a revenge, but to make sure his friends know his true face, and in the hope some women will be warned and won't suffer like I did. Meeting such people is traumatic. I'm so sorry for you. Take time with your children, have fun. Some better time will come. Take good care of yourself.
No. No this guy is not a player. He is a fool, a user, a vulture, an emotional predator.
A real player is smooth, makes women feel good, tells them the ugly truth and lets them decide if they want to play his little game. Players get a bad wrap, but I'd rather deal with a player than a dishonest fool who needs attention.
When men play games like this, it really speaks more to their self esteem problems than yours. A mature man finds the comfort of one woman appealing. He has enough going on in his life, too many other adult things to give his time and attention to instead of chasing random women.
Immature jerks need attention, which is why they seek other random women. They get off on being "new" and "mysterious" because underneath of the fake, confident man they pretend to be, is an immature, insecure little boy who is severely lacking somewhere. I've dated sooo many of these men and they are all the same. I even married one of them. Lucky me.
He tries so hard to convince me that nobody wants me, that I can't get someone else (which he knows is a total lie because men have been stalking me when he was actually just an few feet away and I have lots and lots of attractive male friends who have admitted they know what a good woman I am). But I've heard the way he talks about himself, how he dislikes himself. He plays on the fact that I wanted a relationship so badly and used it against me.
And he is not the first.
There is nothing wrong with wanting love. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. That's normal. We're made to procreate and raise families. The ones who choose to sleep around, lie, and be dishonest are the ones going against nature. They are feeding a need of some sort because they are lacking somewhere.
You can never ever feel stupid for wanting what God intended for us to have, love!
Love yourself, love god, and even love him (from afar)
You're never stupid for giving, for loving, and for trying. The only stupid ones here are ones who try to make love into something that it's not. When someone uses love to use someone else, they use it for lust, or they use it for attention.
Love is the best way out of this and out of the mindset you have that allows you to feel and call yourself stupid.
Look no further than the movie, "He's really not that into you." The character GiGi had it right when although she looked crazy, she was convinced she would find the love she wanted and did NOT apologize for it. She was cute as a button and put herself out there to find love.
But also, do not allow a man to do nothing for you. Men like to work for you. They like the feeling of accomplishment.
I'm married, and when my husband acts up, no matter what the hell he says, I shut down. He gets nothing from me when he does not do what he needs to do. I don't argue. I don't get mad. I simply remind him that to get, you have to give. He tries those immature tactics on me to have his cake and eat it too, but I don't put up with that. I always tell him my peace is more important than anything. If he or any man threatens that, he's gone. Plain and simple.
I am happy on my own, I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me every single day. He does not want you living or feeling this way. Don't wait for him to take you out, just go out on your own. Don't wait for him to do anything for you. It's a set up for disappointment. Do nice things for yourself. Give yourself things to look forward to. No matter how small.
My husband knows I love flowers but REFUSED to buy them for me. So you know what. We were in the grocery store and I picked up a bouquet of flowers for myself. He looked stupid, cheap, and horrible. The cashier gave him the worst tongue lashing and made him feel like the worst husband in the world. When your wife has to buy her own flowers in public, it makes you look like a d-bag.
But I felt good about it. Showing him and myself that everything I want I can have, despite what he decides. He is not the boss of my life, I am.
You are the boss of your life. Don't let a fool run it for you.
God bless love.
Thank you, Jane for this post. I've been in this situation for 8 1/2 years. I've tried to move on but it actually feels more like an addiction. The emotional roller-coaster has just been horrific. What I'm afraid of is that I may never find someone else, mainly because, I have several children and a few grandchildren. As soon as guys hear that, they seem to "run for the hills!" He has belittled me, "punishes"me, I've been kept hidden from friends and family for a long time (I have met some now) and he tells me that I should be lucky that he is with me, because no man would get involved with me in my situation.(many kids, grandkids) . I am still attractive and in pretty good shape, but still.......Just the other day, i found a receipt of his that he purchased condoms... we dont use them. I havent engaged in sex with him since. I not a fool, I know this, but I sure as hell feel like one. I am trying to move on, it's very, very difficult. I am working on my self esteem, (my ex did a number on me as well). I know I deserve better, and am really trying. So pieces, get some strength, do things for you. ...it's your life to live, not his... don't let him ruin it anymore. I want to do me now.... it's time to break the addiction!
It is time, Believe. Your time! Think about what a man would be like who doesn't "run for the hills". What would it be like to be with someone like this instead? We've got to first shift to being with a different kind of man in our own hearts and minds before we can recognize him when he comes looking for us. It is an addiction - and yet one we can change.
I love these posts, they have given me strength through a very difficult time with someone who constantly lied and manipulated. Ive finally let go and although it hurts like hell walking away from not only him but his family, i know ill have piece of mind. I know if i allow my feelings to just be and tend to my wounds they will heal. The pattern with these men have already been set long before we came along.
The sad thing is because a lot of it was so amazing i overrode my instinct, looking back the lies were there from the start.
Now it is about learning and healing, focussing on me, my friends, family and work, doing things i enjoy and creating a full and happy life without suspicion and constant anxiety. We owe it to ourselves to rewrite our scripts, listen to our instincts and attract the love we deserve ❤️
Exactly, Julie. I'm so glad you've found the strength to do the most loving thing you can ever do for you - "to rewrite our scripts, listen to our instincts and attract the love we deserve." Beautifully said. Thank you.
Thank goodness for reading this, this is exactly what I am going through as we speak!
So glad the timing worked for you, Nicole. You're never alone!
Wow!! So there really are other women going thru exactly what I've been put thru for nearly a yr. the always knowing that there were others, the lying, cheating and feeling broken hearted!! I finally said enough and told him to kick rocks! Best thing I've done in a year! Yes it's hard... Yes I'm lonely... But at least I have peace in my mind and heart now!!
Terri
Words have no meaning unless they are followed up with action. Leave him, don't look back, no contact. Be kind to yourself, this guy is not worth any more of your time.
I like that, be kind to yourself. Great words to live by!
I love your posts. I read a lot of dating / relationship blogs, but no-one puts it quite like you do. You have a way of cutting through the b*llshit, and nailing it. Instead of making us feel doubly stupid for letting ourselves to be treated like doormats, and for staying so long, you totally "get" it.
I thought when I wrote this letter it would just somehow get lost in "cyber world" but my God what a blessing! My father knows what we need when we need it, and I'm so grateful for you Ms. Jane it seems like your messages always come right on time Thankyou-
I was in the same situation as you Pieces. Always daying he is broke. He is supposedly separated and shares the same house. He bought his ex a $30,000 car, his daughtet a $26,000 and now himself a $30,000 yet he is broke. Always went out to eat in my area. Never took me anywhere in 15 months except for a friends baby birthday party. You see, we were not girlfriends we were hust an option. He did the hot, cold, many times. He said many hurtfull things to me to force me to break up because he did not want to be the bad guy. He always said he wanted his cake and eat it too. I know there others while he was with me. Two weeks ago we git intoba fight over some woman on fb and he broke it off. Honestly I pushed his buttons enough. I actually wanted him tobdo it because if I did and he came back I would take him back. If he did, I knew was not turning back. He is too proud to come back. Man have money for the woman he wants to have money for. I felt the same way, that he was ashamed to go out with me. After a while I became the once per week sex partner. I was demoted from girlfriend to backburner, back to girlfriend, back to option, back to girlfriend and after he broke up he suggested FWB. My response is, not even a friendship. I spent 15 months and you lost 6 years.
Let it go. Time waits to no one.
And now you are free, Ana. Thanks for sharing!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Pieces. I believe this, too.
If it feels bad. It is bad.. That's my motto..
Thank you, Steph. I do get it and I'm so glad that comes through to you!