Oh, the pain of getting dumped!
Just about all of us have been there before, some of us quite often. Our beautiful friend Tony has just gone through this (again), and is wondering why she keeps getting dumped for other women.
Here's what she wrote:
Wow, I honestly never pictured myself writing to you especially after I got my boyfriend, who is now my ex as of yesterday.
So here it goes...
I don't know how to explain how I feel. I am caught between two emotions: hurt and relief.
My heart feels like it wants to burst out of chest because of pain and anger as well. I am relieved because deep down within me I knew that I was in an unhealthy and "wrong" relationship. But I am not so mad at the fact that the relationship has ended I am extremely furious at the fact that I have been dumped - AGAIN.
This is not to dwell on my breakup that I am doing my best to handle very well because right now all I want to do is just cry - I actually need a hug 🙁
WHY DO I ALWAYS GET DUMPED?
If I am such a "wonderful" woman why am I not a keeper? Why and how did I become a place where men come to rest and fix themselves for another woman? Why do men treat me like a testing station?
If I am such a great woman why can't I get an even greater guy to JUST love, understand and accept me?
- Tony
My Response:
Oh Tony, I’m wrapping my arms around you, holding you, listening to you, catching every one of your precious tears as they fall.
I have one thing that I really want you to hear: There is nothing wrong with you.
Nothing ever wrong with you. There are only the wrong people for us.
You knew. Can you see that part?
You knew.
The mixture of pain and relief makes this so clear. It is so very painful. It hurts deeply to be shown your worst fears come true.
But more than anything else you’re taking on here, I want you to see that you can trust yourself, that you can believe your own intuitive self. That what has always been true will always be true – you can always believe in you.
What did you do wrong?
Sometimes nothing, sometimes everything.
It all depends on the context of your own unique situation. But what I do know for sure, Tony, is that no matter if you do everything wrong or everything right, with the right person for you – and that means someone who’s truly compatible with you, someone who is on the same page as you, someone who has as much to give you as you have to give him - you can’t go wrong!
I hear stories from women who did EVERYTHING wrong. And yet because they were with someone who was in it for love, was ready for a real relationship with them and was looking for someone exactly like them, it didn’t matter.
I see that story being repeated over and over again.
It’s about the wrong people, Tony.
We’ve got to stop letting them in, letting them get so close to our beautiful hearts and souls before they have proven that they have what it takes to be there.
We’re so confused about the “what it takes” part. What it takes isn’t about saying the right words or giving us gifts or impressing us with material, fleeting, unsustainable things. It’s about showing us consistent actions and behaviors that demonstrate love, and attention and "same pageness".
Actions that reveal a character that you can come to rely on. Someone who’s there when he says he’s going to be. Someone who does what he says he's going to do.
Someone who doesn’t give you the feeling that something is off, something isn’t right, something needs to change.
Taking it slow helps.
Not giving yourself away heart, body, mind helps. Being the gatekeeper of your heart helps.
But in the end, what helps more than anything is recognizing that being yourself, being true to who you are and what you need to be happy is the only way to know for sure that what you’ve got is truly compatible with who you are and what you want.
It’s how you know someone is right for you -the real you! - and not for who you try to be or think you should be or the image you present yourself as being.
It’s such a slippery slope when we pretend we’re OK with what we’re really not. It sets us up for greater heartbreak down the road.
Know what you want.
Know that you DESERVE what you want! And refuse to settle for anything less than than in the things that matter.
Looks come and go. Money comes and goes. But someone who loves you - someone who’s confident enough in himself to not have to play the field or keep adding to a notch on a bedpost to feel good about himself - will always reveal himself to you.
He can’t hide those other parts. And you value yourself too much to allow him to.
We have to be clear. We have to have clarity within ourselves. We can’t be clear with him unless we’re first comfortable with being clear with ourselves.
Love is on your side, Tony.
Love would never, ever be so cruel to withhold from you the same kind of love you give. When we’re clear, there is no room for someone who can’t live up to our standards. There is no room for someone who can’t meet our expectations. But that kind of clarity can only come from going through, and honestly, Tony, we always find out what we don’t want with ABSOLUTE CLARITY before we discover what we absolutely do.
If you’ve got that piece, you’re ready for the next.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts, words of encouragement, or simply a hug for our beautiful friend, Tony? Please share them with her (and the rest of us) below in the comments!
This is the best and most article you have written. There are no games with the right person. In real life...the righy person will still be there by your mistakes. I hate the dating scene and fame rules. My friends who are happily married never played by the book or games. They said wrong things showed so many unlikable sides plus there flaws. But both had patience with each other to see their essence as a suitable partner. Thats all it is the right partner can work through obstacles
We need more information? Right now, we can easily say that you giving these guys the impression that you aren't interested.
How long have these relationships been?
How did they end?
Did they say anything to you as to why they were leaving?
Did you ask so that you could see what you need to change.
Maybe these guys need a place to live and are using you?
Sorry, it's hard to tell what you might be doing wrong.
I've been where you are before, Tony, and I'm so sorry. Jane is correct-- the right person is confident in himself to not need to play the field/act distant and instead show up for you and reveal himself (emotionally).
You also need to trust yourself and ACT on your intuitions. You said that you knew you were in an unhealthy relationship. While easier said than done, it is good to take a break or walk away in those situations.
Finally, think about what it is that you find romantically and sexually appealing in a man. Charisma (superficial confidence, charm, ease with flirtation) can be misleading-- many of us love that in a man, but this trait is often a mask for a lack of depth and/or availability. Work on healing yourself and on seeing availability and kindness as sexy. Give a seemingly "boring" nice guy a chance. You might be surprised. A good friend of mine had been through what you described, gave a nice, slightly awkward guy a chance, and now they're engaged. And guess what: she said that he's not only amazing in bed but also the best sex she's ever had (and she's quite experienced!)
Best of luck to you, Tony! <3
For the record, I am a man. I say that because men and women will probably address "Tony's" plea very differently. I notice all the women responding are tremendously supportive and affirming there is nothing wrong with the serial dumpee. They all urge her not to change or settle.
Hogwash. Sorry to be the one to introduce reality here, but... we've all seen this story many times before and we all know the definition of insanity, right?
If "Tony," or any man or woman, wants a loving relationship they must adapt to the other party. Women hate - HATE! - the word "settle," but IMHO if you don't settle (compromise, adapt, accept, etc. etc.) you won't have a relationship. It works both ways, of course, but something about this writer is causing men to break up with her. She says, "If I am such a "wonderful" woman why am I not a keeper?" Obviously the men didn't think she was so wonderful or, more likely, she exhibited traits that outweighed her wonderfulness.
Instead, she needs to ask: What has been my role in these breakups? What in my behavior might be driving men away?
She can chose to change or not. But, remember the definition of insanity...
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I agree! I immediately knew that she is giving off the wrong signals to the guys. She is not investing in them based on her story. As I said we need more information. She can't really say they are dumping her. She might be telling them to dump her based on her actions.
It bothers me that men get the blame when we are involved as well.
Remember that reality is always relative, ExitAisle. The lens we see through always determines our reality. There is a huge difference between compromise, adapting, accepting, etc. with someone who you intuitively know isn't right for you, isn't on the same page as you and someone who is. This post on knowing when to give up and when to keep trying explains the difference between the two.
It's not called insanity but they are being too trusting! Men likes to play and women needs to stop acting if they have something down there different than other women. when it comes to sleeping with men too soon. It all comes down to comes pleasing yourself, and if he doesn't like it kick his butt to the curve.. Stop putting your heart into a man/woman you hardly know. It could be just about sex!
How do we go about loving ourselves enough to know our own self worth? It's easier said than done isn't it. I can relate to your email Tony, I often feel frustrated with people when I'm told that I'm fabulous, yet I'm still single, or single again after some guy isn't ready again... ?! Big hugs
Tony love is blind and so hurtful. Why? Its life. Times are changing so much and nothing good to look forward because two people really need to become one. There is nothing wrong with love just let it find you. Taking care of yourself first will make you strong. Do Things that you want in life and not for others. You need to be happy 1st, You will heal. Time is a great healer but do not let the hurt take over. Look toward each day and do something for yourself maybe not right away but you will.
Hi Tony:
I am sorry you are going through this. I hear that you want a loving relationship, one that is true and will let you be the loving, beautiful soul I know you are. I want you to think about loving and honoring yourself first. I used to be so desperate and lonely that I failed to take care of myself and be true to myself. This of course produced a lot of heart ache and left me out in the cold more than once. Do not settle, do not give everything away ( make yourself an open book), and by all means speak up for yourself. Sure, a lot of guys are going to walk away. Let them go. The right one will see that you have self respect and won't be put off by it. Hugs!
Hi Tony. Big virtual hug as I'm in the same boat. My husband went into rehab, got sober and went off with someone else. Said he had made a mistake and I said I would see how we went but would not live with him and would not go back into a relationship when I didn't trust him. My mum went into hospital for months and now he has started another relationship with someone else because he 'lost heart' waiting for me to give something back! We will get there, just not with the losers we have been with up until now. x
Just know Tony that you are beautiful and you knew that he was not worth that beauty. Here's a hug! Keep finding out about your beautiful self 🙂
Dear Tony
Don't give in too quickly and too easily. Always put yourself first and never settle for less than what you really want because you will always get less than that (what you are settling for)
Also look deep within you and find out if you are really comfortable and content with yourself as a girlfriend or to be with someone to love you. What I mean is, it may also be an esteem issue. You may be attracting the assholes because you think that that is what you deserve because of your history/pattern.
Take your time before getting into another relationship and search within yourself about what you really want.
Here's a big hug.
All the best in finding love.
Iam giving you a hug Tony,i know what you are going through right now but let me assure you that you will be fine.Most of us have been there we know how it feels.The most important thing is to accept its over it was never meant to be the right person will come along who will love you and never leave you.
When you have healed and are ready to date again, i think you should look out for red flags and learn to walk away when you realize that the relationship is doomed never waste your time on relationships that go nowhere choose you over him because you are beautiful and you deserve the best.
Please help me, I am so lost and need to know if I am making the right decision. Short background. ...I was engaged to this guy, we lived together and all. We were together over 3.5 years. Once we moved in with each other it went down hill from there. I took my ring off, we fought all the time he would meet girls and get numbers and text them , very emotionally abusive....however we did love each other in some sick twised form that made us crave that attention. I finally had enough, we sold the house, I met a guy, that I had met a month before out with friends and stated dating him right away. My now ex was pissed and stalked me and it drive him crazy. This other guy was wonderful to me and my dumb self freaked out and left him and went crawling back to my ex. Begging him and he still never officially got back together with me. It has been 6 weeks of me trying to convince him of everything from I am sorry, to why he should still have feelings for me. We date exclusively but let me explain what that is to him. ..he will text maybe in the morning and at night. .he sees me when and only when it is convenient for him and he has nothing else to do. Has told me he loves me but is not ready for anything serious and may never be again. It is nothing to go 5 days and not see him or really talk to him. I love him more than anything but it is such an empty feeling especially when we had been so close at one time. Do I back off and just give it time? Am I pushing something that needs to go slow or am I wasting my time trying? We aren't at the same place and I don't know if he is ever going to be. If He senses me pulling away or being distant he will show up or hunt me down to talk but I fear it not cause he loves me and wants more, I fear it is to keep me dangling as long as he can. I told him I couldn't do it anymore last night and he didn't try and stop it. Am I doing the right thing? Please help me! ! I don't want to lose him but I may have already. I am hurting so bad, and so sad.
Your in an addictive unhealthy relationship. This is not love. It is addiction. This man treats you purely and you are showing up for it. Begging for it. When you back off, he comes around. For an ego stroke and then he's off again. This is not love. This will take months of pain to get over. But once you do, you'll look back and be thankful. This person will never bring you anything but pain.
I know. Because I did this with someone for 5 years. I was you. This will drag on for as long as you are there showing up.
Faith, once you move in with someone that is when the relationship becomes a reality. Your true self shows up and sometimes it doesn't work out. He's told you he is not ready for something serious because it sounds like he is hurt.
What were the fights about?
Sounds like he was bothered by the fighting you two had and probably felt responsible because that is what men do. They take responsibility for not being good at relationships and they find ways to fill that void (cheating ). Not an excuse but he is hurt and not able to work through it with you.
Reading the title question reminded me of a similar question I asked myself two years ago. Why do I keep being rejected? Why do I always hear "I like you, but as a friend" "You're great, but I don't want a relationship" "I want friends with benefits", etc? I thought I was just damaged goods. But now, after looking for answers, I know that my pursuing those men was never about them. It was about validation. It was about me taking the rejection as defining me as some damaged, not good enough girl. Because society says things like: you have to make him love you, otherwise you will be a spinster. It was never about real love and I never showed these men who I actually was because I didn't even know who I was. It was operating from my ego what caused me to feel pain. It was my pride that was wounded, but never my core.
It is rough because I think most of us, men and women are conditioned to believe such much crap that we don't even make sense of anything anymore.
I hope our friend Tony finds out what this is about for her, because being dumped as she says is not really about her true self. It is an ego mask. Our minds are very clever and figuring things out is challenging. I can feel her anger and sadness because I have been there. But I am doing better and she will too in time.
Dear Tony, you're not alone and Jane is right. There is nothing wrong with you at all.
My comment to Tony is that we have to find our match, and not settle for less. If he leaves you, he is doing both a favour. We can only be truly happy with someone that fits and complements us.
It is not about him leaving you at all although this has been a pattern. You are not at the mercy of someone taking you or not. You also can evaluate whether someone complements you. If not, you are doing both a favour to let the other person go. So that a space is created for someone that is right for you to come to your life.
You mentioned that you were relieved. It means a part of you know that he is not a fit. Perhaps when you are in a relationship, you may wish to be more conscious in evaluating before losing your mind, body and heart in it?
Good luck in finding the love of your life, Tony.