This week our question comes from one of our beautiful readers, Sheela, who is wondering if it's too late for her and if all the good men really are taken.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane
I really love your blog and I was hoping you could answer a question.
I'm 38 years old, and I've never had any kind of a serious relationship, simply because I went through so many traumatic incidents in childhood and suffered such severe school bullying that I was afraid of getting close to men.
I've never gone past a few dates with anyone.
But I've been in therapy and made some major emotional improvements. I do feel ready to finally have a 'significant other.' But the problem is, at my age, I am not finding any single men right for me.
I live in Manhattan and I go out, do online dating, etc.
But the problem is the men who are interested in me and (technically) available are in their forties. The age is fine with me - but the problem is that these men, in my experience, are never married because they either have a severe mental illness or are socially awkward to the point where conversing with them is impossible.
And if they're divorced there's ex-wife drama and lots of kids involved. And these are men with decent online profiles or regulars at cultural events!
I hate to be making sweeping generalizations, considering my own background, but I can't seem to stay positive. I know it's a bad cliche, but I really am beginning to believe that the good ones are taken, and it's too late for me.
Yet I don't want to give up hope.
That's my question - how do I stay hopeful and believe that there is someone stable and decent out there for me? And how do I make myself go 'out there' when it's always so disappointing?
Thanks
- Sheela
My Response:
Dear Sheela,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you found your way here and that my blog is resonating with you!
My heart goes out to you for the childhood traumas you suffered and for the bullying experiences you went through. Far too many of us are deeply affected by our pasts and our places of wounding. It's truly tragic that these things can thoroughly affect who we are and the lens through which we view our world.
I spent many years of my own life struggling with similar realities, so I understand just how powerful they can be. For a long time I felt these things precluded me from ever being loved unconditionally or finding someone who would ever love me the way I longed to be loved.
I had all but given up when something inside of me kept me going, determining to push through even in the darkness that seemed to color so many of my experiences.
What was that something? It was a resolve to hold onto the hope that even when I felt like giving up, that somehow, someway, if you have this kind of love in you, if you were created with this much loving and caring and giving and desire to have the kind of love, then there has to be something still to come for you!
Love could never, ever be so cruel to have made you the way you are only to withhold from you the same kind of love.
Be so proud of yourself for seeking help in therapy and for making those emotional improvements you speak of. These all matter! And they speak to how determined you are to do things different, to create those shifts that lead to the love and the life you’re desiring to have.
But now you’re ready for something more!
These men you’ve found, the ones you keep finding that continue to reinforce what you’ve come to expect them to be, they could never be the ones for you. But it’s our belief systems behind any words we may say about what we want or don’t want, those belief systems are want keep bringing us more of the same.
And it keeps reinforcing that yes, you’re right, that is all that’s out there, down to as many of the specifics as you hold in your belief system.
We have to change these before we can create the shifts that change our mindset that bring about the changes in who and what we find!
For every woman that shows up with proof that all the good men are taken, that there aren’t any “normal” ones left, there’s yet another woman who’s found the love of her life when she turns around these same ingrained beliefs that she’s too old, or too wounded, or too undesirable or whatever else she believes to be true.
There is no stronger pull than what shows up to support our beliefs!
You have to change that first, Sheela.
You’ve got to tell yourself a new and different story, one where you can take even the tiniest of hope that there could be something other than what you’ve found so far and hold onto that regardless of what you’re so used to coming back to.
Look for the ones who refute that belief. Look for the ones who are are going to surprise you, shock you, show you a different view of men than you’ve ever had before. Look around you in the everyday, look to show yourself something different, to reinforce that hope that there’s a reason you still have within you!
Find that place deep within you where that kind of hope lives.
Acknowledge and accept where you’ve been and what you’ve been through. Yes, you’ve been through so much, Sheela. And yes, you have every right to feel everything you feel and to have the view you’ve held of the world. But there’s something else I want you to see.
A new beginning. A new start that can begin now, today or any day that you choose. A time to write a new story for what happens next.
Look for the people around you who support your new story. Watch for them. Expect them to show up. It’s like when we buy a new car or have a friend who buys a new car and suddenly we start seeing that same car everywhere!
Look for what you want! Focus on that.
Remember your own power, do the things that give you that feeling of power that remind you that you are powerful enough to find those people, to bring into your life.
Avoid any and all sweeping generalizations or stories that don’t support what you believe, what you know to be true in your heart of hearts, that won’t ever give up on you!
Surround yourself with people who love you, who adore you, who are genuinely excited you’re in their lives!
Go out and do the things you don’t feel like doing because you’re afraid it’s only going to be the same thing you’ve ever gotten, by doing them for you not for what they’re going to get you.
Find that little girl inside you before the bullying, before everything else and make a list of everything she wanted to do and do them now. Don’t let what you don’t think you can do get in the way.
Make them happen! You’re the one who makes your own dreams come true. When you reach out, when you step out, you’re always met where you are with the love and support you never even imagined could be there for you.
Yes, you, Sheela!
Don’t settle for any stories that tell you anything less, that leave you believing it could be any other way. There’s all the love in the world waiting for the ones who refuse to believe it could be anything less.
Reinforce that belief.
I go into specific detail about how to do exactly that in my program "Beautiful, Confident, Radiant, You!" In fact there's an entire week devoted to just that, since it's so important. It’s how I changed my own beliefs about love (which proved to be my turning point). It may help you as well.
Prove that to yourself and watch and see what happens. Because no matter who you are or where you’ve been or what you’ve been through, you deserve nothing less!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Sheela? Share them with us in the comments!
Thank you for this wonderful website and loving advice! Found it right when I needed to hear it, what you say is very true 🙂
Hi EC-
I have one question- did you end up meeting your husband through one of those sites? And also, were you ever the first to initiate contact with men?
Hi Sheela,
I did meet my guy on one of those sites.
He initiated contact.
And, although I did like his email and his photos :), at first, I simply thought he might just be one of the mix of the few guys I was emailing a bit regularly with (I also was chatting on the phone with another guy (though I already started to have doubts about him)).
But over the next month , everyone else faded away in my eyes.
I have to admit that by the time he contacted me, the online dating site was making me feel more depressed and as if there wasn't someone out there for me.
I did initiate contact with two guys, but with no response from them. 🙁 at the time, but now I am relieved. 🙂
With many others, I would click on their profiles once or a few times (not in a row or within same week) after their photos came up in some searches I ran. On the site I was on, you had the option to let others see if you had clicked on them. So if I came across someone of interest, I would turn that option on. That way, they would see that I had looked, might click on my profile, and perhaps initiate contact. That happened quite often actually (also bc if you clicked the option on, then all the other guys you clicked on would see as well) and resulted in a few good email or email and phone relationships.
The funny thing is, my husband never popped up on my searches. But he found me from running a search.
If I were you, I would first try clicking on their profiles if the site shows them later who has done so. --Might as well give them an option first of initiating contact.
If they don't or perhaps haven't been on recently , then send a light email.
But I would keep it light , so they could still initiate contact (maybe comment on a common hometown or school or profession or sport or ask a question that it seems like they could answer).
But we are all different , so go with what you feel comfortable when it comes to who initiates.
For me, I tended to be insecure and so I wanted that extra reassurance that they made the first move. Also, I had been around a co-worker who made it seem like he liked me a lot (so many others even commented on it and predicted we'd be married within 5 years), but he NEVER asked me on a date, etc... So that influenced me.
Also,
Soon after I joined one website, I noticed that you could check to see who is on now or recent new members. But the default setting was to list everyone in alphabetical order.
Noticing how tired I felt by the time I got to the 12th page :), I quickly changed my user name to one that was closer to the beginning of the alphabet.
I don't know if that made a difference....
Hi Jane-
I'm the poster, and thanks for publishing my letter! And thank you all for the kind comments- I do especially like EC's story- it gives me that glimmer of hope.
I wrote in fairly recently. Believe it or not, in spite of what I've written, around that time I had met a couple of men that I saw as the 'unicorns' I'd been hunting for. But they both chose to pursue other women instead of me. That devastation really sparked my letter, but I didn't want to make it a super long story.
I'm kind of at a limbo- part of me wants to reach out and keep going, but part of me thinks it might be time to just mentally recuperate for a few months. In either case, I appreciate all the supportive comments!
Sheela, you will enjoy that time to yourself. Good Luck! He's out there! It's a very trying process to find someone that matches us. But you will find him.
Thank you so much for this post. It gives me hope, although I still feel like I'm made to be alone, and that's there's no one out there that's suitable for me. It makes me cry to just typing this out.
God bless you all!
Awww Soul.. don't say that. We are all going through it. You have to look at each date / connection as a growth spirt. They always teach us something about ourselves. That is what makes being out and meeting people so much fun.
There is someone out there for you. Tell us your story.
Oh Soul,
I SO know how you feel. I totally felt deep down inside that I was made to be alone and wondered if part of the reason was that perhaps my purpose was to be there for my family, to help them be ok.
But it wasn't true, no matter how scared I was that it was.
And I am married now. And believe me , if I can meet such a great guy, you can too!
I did not like dating and I really prefer to read at home alone on weekends :), yet, I met my Mr. Right and you will too! Your Mr. Right is on his way to you.
How about you take a moment next time you feeling down over this and send loving thoughts and best wishes to your Mr. Right or , if you pray, pray for him on his journey? It might help make him feel real to you. And he is!
By the way, one of my good friends met her husband online about 6 months before I met mine. She too was 41 at the time. And her husband is the most perfect guy for her!!!!
My friend dated much more than I did and so she has her share of stories of the men she met. But one year she became firm in her resolve to recognize red flags immediately, not rationalize, and to just move on to the next guy and that worked.
The quality of the guys she dated changed over several months and then she met her husband.
Sheela, if you are reading this, he initiated contact with her.
Hi Sheela,
Please hang in there! Your Mr. Right IS on his way to you, going through experiences like yours and working on himself along the way.
I didn't even know my husband existed until after I turned 41!
I been doing online 'dating' for several months, but only been on one actual date in 7 years!
I also spent most of my time with family (mainly bc they were going through crisis and I was rather codependent then and focused on taking on many things for them) or married friends or reading at home.
I never married before and had read somewhere that divorced people are more likely to remarry than singles to get married.
AND, worst of all:
Deep down in my gut, I started to truly believe that perhaps I was one of those made to be alone :/ , and I was scared that I was right. --that it was some truth or something.
I also wondered if by now could I even have a relationship, was I too set in my ways? Could I marry and live with someone?
And it seemed like there were NO normal nice men around my age out there, let alone any I felt remotely attracted to.
So that was me then... and now I am very happily married.
And I never settled.
I had that prayer, please God, if it your will, let me meet someone and be married, but I want to be very attracted to my husband and deeply in love, I don't want to settle just to be married.
Not only am I happily married, but I thank God, literally for all the break ups and near misses AND EVEN HOW LONG IT TOOK.
I *know* I am with the right person and that this was the right time for us.
I do wish though I could go back in time and reassure myself that is all really does work out! And better than imagined.
I think I would have had several fewer crying Friday nights or moments of melancholy and, who knows, may have had a few more adventures!
One thing I'm very glad I did during those 7 years is find this website.
Jane's articles and insights and responses turned on light bulb after light bulb. And reading other's comments and stories helped me see myself and my patterns.
I also read a fantastic (rather short) book in the preceding years: How To Love, by Gordon Livingston . I VERY MUCH recommend it.
Before that book and this website, I hadn't put into words what I was looking for.
But now I had something to match things against. I now understood I needed and wanted a decent humble kind hard-working honest man with real character and true integrity.
It also made me think: where will this man go to meet me? Which online sites? What kind of places or activities?
I chose two online sites based on my faith.
And I stopped going to the type of bars or places that (I imagined) my future husband would only go to on very rare occasion if dragged by a friend and to be nice. I didn't want a partier or someone whose main friends are single who regularly hit the bars or clubs, etc.
I wanted someone confident on his own and pursuing his true interests and being there for family and friends and volunteering. And who had some solid couples around him, hopefully, inspiring him to become one as well.
I also stuck to some advice I learned from those who had gone through tough divorces:
Don't date any man who isn't at least two years divorced. And that is from the date of his final divorce, not separation. --that way you avoid being a rebound or the guy later wanting to explore finally being single again and also avoid those times you mentioned, the emotions , upheaval, negotiations, and adjustment period of the divorce that not only he goes through, but his ex-wife and his children.
Yes, there are exceptions to that, but they are just that: exceptions. One friend found the exception, but still went through a very upsetting, traumatic, and stressful couple years at first due to the divorce angst. Actually, the drama is still continuing and she is still not married to the guy.
Maybe the rule sounds harsh, but time goes by so fast anyway but those are two years set very important for healing and being able to move forward.
AND there are loads of men out there who have been divorced for longer than that and have sorted their lives by now and there is no no ex-wife drama. And they are no longer shocked, hurt, angry, or bitter.
Many have darling children and many have grown children who are out there pursuing their own lives.
On the ones who never married , yes, many may be odd, BUT my mother remarried at 43 (an odd coincidence bc I married at 43, three months before I turned 44) and her husband /my stepfather was 43 or 44 and never married and they met around age 40. Yes, he was a bit set in his ways , but he is so very happily married! And happier and a better husband every year fact! They will celebrate their 24th Wedding Anniversary in September.
So take heart Sheela!
Your Mr. Right IS out there and on your path , heading towards you.
Believe me, if it can happen for me, it so so can happen for you!
(As well as to everyone else reading this :). To them though, I apologize if some of my comment sounds familiar bc I responded to a similar article the other month.)
Oh and I forgot to mention: A friend's mother was a true inspiration to me. Her husband left her when she turned 50 and she was devastated. She then met THE ABSOLUTE LOVE OF HER LIFE! They have been married now for about 15 years and I can only think of one other couple that exhibits so much love and joy with each other. They are unbelievably happy. They met through common work interests.
One caveat about the book I recommended: I am a Christian and the author does make comments that seem to put down faith.
However, I skimmed those to get to what the book is really about:
How to choose well.
It talks about what is really cool and attractive and hot and sexy (honesty , integrity) and encourages one to work on those traits yourself.
Love this, EC!! I am so happy for you and love how you shared your inspiring story with all of us! 🙂
Hi Sheela
Miracles happen and dreams really do come true - it may be hard to believe but fake it if you have to and keep repeating this to yourself everyday. In the meantime, leave the pressure out with your age and your wondering if/when you'll find the one. Live your life, dream your dreams, go travel, meet new friends, be spontaneous and bold - trust me you will feel more empowering in yourself and truly love yourself. At that time, whether or not there is a man is no longer important because your life is so fabulous that with or without a man.
I wish you the best of luck.
I couldn't agree more, Amy. Even in all our humanness, it happens!
At the age of 48 I started online dating and met a wonderful man but distance timing and other things kept us from growing together, we still keep in contact though , my point is that there are a few good men online but you will meet many many duds to find him lol. When I finally found my dream guy that was perfect for me it was a man I had become friends with at work. We were friends for a few years and he patiently watched as I went through all my duds and just kept being nice to me. Don't limit yourself to online or social scenes take care of yourself every day and make yourself happy.... You never know who might be watching 🙂 Congrats on taking charge of your life with therapy to overcome past hurts... You can overcome anything. You can do whatever you want to do. And you can find whatever you are looking for.
Love hearing this, Sue. Thank you for sharing. I'm so happy for you! 🙂
Hi Sheela, sorry to say this but "welcome to our world". Considering the amazing healing steps you have taken because of horrible situations when you were young I want to prepare you for some hard times trying to find the man of your dreams. You will find him but when we meet these men who are dysfunctional with getting to know someone we start looking at ourselves. It can be painful. So, I am just saying that dating now is very difficult for everyone. The scenario of dating has changed so much since we are older, for some of us not looking to have a family and some women are financially independent so it's hard for men to get close to us. Sorry to be harsh but I would rather hear the truth than get out there thinking it will be easy and I get home and I am emotionally drained.
Are you looking for marriage?
Are you looking to have children?
Have there been any guys you have gone out with that you thought might be of interest?
For the last question, if you have met some, right down those characteristics down and begin again. It will take some time.
Good Luck and chin up.
Dear Jane-Sheela's story is one that speaks to many -when i read her letter i could see that it was not talking to me -but your response -wow -it made me realise that there is a bit of" Sheela " in my life-not the same script but the feelings that may be triggered by a different situation.Thank you Sheela for sharing your story-the response Jane gave -helped me see what i probably didn't want to see.