Our beautiful friend, who has chosen to remain anonymous (I've called her "Hurt"), feels like she's been lied to by the man she was dating.
Here's her story:
Last year around this time I started "talking" to a guy that had been my friend for the past 7 years. I knew him because he was friends with a guy who I previously "talked to" but ultimately nothing manifested between me and his friend and to be completely honest his friend was a terrible person with no real good intentions for me.
So after years of flirting we started to actually act on our feelings and started doing relationship things.
Always going out, spending quality time with each other, meeting family and friends. Everything that a couple would do.
And the moment that I felt was a serious "we must be heading towards a relationship" moment is when he confronted his friend like and man and told him what was going on between us. To make a long story short their friendship ended because of this.
Everything would go well then around the end of the summer I started to see signs that something was going on. Something was off about him.
I would have to be the only one who initiated conversations, I would see him flirt with other girls on social media, he was distant.
And whenever I would ask him if he wanted to end this (because I was always completely aware we weren't in a relationship), or if he wanted to talk to someone else, or didn't like me anymore he would always say nothing changed and that its all in my head and that he would have no problem with telling me if things had changed.
But as time progressed the distance got stronger and the conversations with me asking what is going on continued until one he told me he thinks its just best we be friends. Confused I automatically blamed myself thinking I pushed him away and he said it wasn't me.
Either way I was extremely hurt.
A short time later I find out through a friend that he said he was about to get into a relationship and that he felt bad about how things ended and how clichéd the situation was between me and him (he just didn't like me the way I liked him).
And that was that "aha" moment because all along I had been right.
He was seeing someone else and that he did not like me but yet chose to lie to my face and invalidate my feelings by telling me its all in my head. I of course confront him and he said that the situation he's in now wasn't at all the case or existent when we were talking.
I don't believe him at all.
And what hurts even more is that he seemed so cold about the whole situation and that was the last conversation we had.
I spent Christmas and my birthday crying over the situation but ultimately had no contact with him after December. Fast forward to early February I saw him at a party. I was one of two people he knew at the party.
I knew there was a chance I would see him there and I decided to play it cool. He comes to the party and acts super distant from everyone. Doesn't say a word to me but I catch him randomly staring at me at the party.
But of course doesn't say a word and after a while he just leaves.
After the party I felt frustrated and hurt again because its like we were friends for 7 years and now you cant even say a word to me. So I texted him about it and he tries to give off this persona where he doesn't care about anything.
He actually says "I don't even know why you would want me to say something to you?"
And I'm just confused as to why we can't even be cordial or better yet why are you acting like you don't care when your actions say otherwise. If you really didn't care you wouldn't have been awkward.
I just don't understand why he could face me like a man and tell me the truth about him wanting to end things when things first started to go sour.
When I first felt in my heart that things were changing.
Why did he have to lie to me?
Then for him to treat me like a ghost and not say a word to me like I did something foul to him is just crazy to me.
I know he still cares but why is he acting like he doesn't? Why doesn't he just apologize? We were friends before this and he's completely thrown that away.
Please help me gain insight.
- Hurt
My Response:
Dear Hurt,
How it hurts to have someone go cold on you when all you want is the truth, the decency of an honest explanation and an apology.
The extent to which he can turn everything off and simply walk away, giving you lies, brushing you off and moving on, pretending he doesn’t care, shows just how uncomfortable he is communicating anything about where he’s at or what’s going on with him.
He’s scared to, Hurt.
He doesn’t want to hear that he handled this badly, that he’s not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, that he’s been dishonest with you.
He already knows he didn’t handle this well. He knows he isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve. And he knows he hasn’t been completely honest with you.
But to acknowledge this, it’s too much for him. To communicate with you, even just to apologize to clear his own conscience, would require him to be honest with himself as well as you.
To admit that to himself is to admit he’s done what he never thought he was capable of doing. To lie, to pretend, to misrepresent, to lead you on.
That’s what this is about. Him, not you.
You want him to give you something - anything - so you can try to make it better, so you can find out why he changed, and most of all, so you can answer your own question of what you could have done that could possibly have been “so foul to him”, so you can release yourself from looking back and blaming yourself for something you might have missed.
You didn’t miss anything. Nothing that matters.
If you’re with someone who’s truly right for you, it doesn’t matter how imperfect you are, how much you mess this up, it won’t matter with someone like that.
In his mind, it’s easier for him to move forward without going back to where he must acknowledge what he’s done. To have you angry at him, to have you tell what he’s done to you, is not something he wants to have to deal with.
And so he doesn’t deal with it. He doesn’t deal with you.
He’s cut you off, coldly.
The colder a man does this, the more he’s fighting his own internal battle. If he were more comfortable in his own skin, he would be honest with you. He would tell you where he’s at, he would apologize, he would try to let you down gently while still being honest with you.
His fear of being called out for his behavior would be pale in comparison to the relief he would feel at knowing he was clearing his conscience and being honest with you.
But this isn’t him.
This is a man who can hear his own mother or father or whoever he still feels he answers to, telling him he’s been “bad”, that he hasn’t lived up to their expectations, that he’s let them down.
If you can remember that in his mind, this isn’t about throwing your friendship away; it’s what being honest and upfront with you feels like to him. Uncomfortable, scary, and worth avoiding at all costs.
Not because of you, but because of him.
I know this is hard to understand. I know it’s made even harder because this isn’t who you are and this isn’t how you would ever be with him or with anyone else.
But if you can accept that this – this being what he’s showing you about who he is and what he is and isn’t able to be for you – that this is where he’s at, then you can start to separate what you want him to be and hoped he would be, from who he actually is.
If you can accept that this is who he is, that he’s showing you what he’s capable of and what he’s not, then you can separate yourself from him enough so that you don't need to take what he is and isn’t capable of personally.
You can’t make this one all better, Hurt. You can’t fix it as much as you want to be able to. You can’t make him do what he isn’t capable of doing.
Cold works for him because he can hide behind it. It keeps you at bay. It keeps him from having to answer to you or anyone else if he can keep hiding behind it. Because he knows all too well that if he lets his guard down, he has to deal with what’s behind that guard.
And that would be too real for him.
Feel everything that comes up for you. Let the tears fall. Wrap your arms around that little girl inside you whose heart is breaking.
It hurts like this because you have such a beautiful, open, caring, loving heart that loves like you do with abandon! That’s a beautiful thing!
But only when it’s with someone who’s in this as fully as you are. Someone who isn’t going to suddenly start drifting away. Someone who's as invested in you as you are in him.
Allow yourself to find some healing for that awful hurt that feels like your heart’s been ripped wide open. There’s more to your story than how this one ends.
Find your peace in that acceptance. Find your power again in recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing and this side of him that he’s showing you isn’t what you’re choosing. This is part of him, too.
You can trust yourself. You sensed this. You had a feeling that it was coming. You knew. Trust that.
That can be one of your greatest lessons if you allow it to be. That you can trust yourself, that you do know more than you give yourself credit for. And that you deserve all the love in the world.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts or words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend "Hurt"? Please share them with us in the comments!
I have been eith fiance 10years after this I got a baby now 2years old and one morning just woke up and said he is with someobe els..during the years no sex really..only the child matter and I felt the distance..now he feel we are friends after breaking up for 3months.i found out his been seeing this women while he was with me 4years..driving my cars..eating my food..while I kept him clean..and then he still have the guts not to say sorry just phobe everyday to speak to child and when he visit he pretend nothing is wrong..he wants to play with me and kiss ect..so he think im a fool..I told him I dont want to keep him away from child but its so hard..I just want to move on
Mimi he is a player and sounds very adept not sure if the marriage is worth fixing or not - perhaps you both have found the grace is not greener - but this man D is not trustworthy at all if you ask me. Have some time on your own and see what rises up one day you will see that there are good men out there too and until you do perhaps best that you avoid them for a while.
I have been in a similar situation for over 4 years now and even though I told the man (Derek) I have moved on recently, after a "could you talk to me about your problems"from him I still love him. What I don't understand is why, after all the rejections and silences I feel like this. I am trying so hard to get D. out of my life. I have a husband who truly loves me whom I have been separated from for a long time who wants to resume the relationship. He has come to this stage after another relationship as well and knows about D. but says he is willing to wait. Yet I can't commit because I have loved D. and knowing the intensity of that love feel I don't have the same feelings for my husband. Why can I love D after all this and yet feel I want to run when my husband starts with his negativity for example (a minor thing compared to D's issues. He is also an alcoholic)? I sensed D. was having 'female friends' as he calls them.....not 'girlfriends' as he would never want to commit as he told me recently..... around during the time we knew each other but he told me he would not be involved with more than one person at a time. I went to see him in hospital a week ago as he called (did not text as usual) in response to me asking him to keep a business tranasction confidential. He said something like 'as you may gather I'm in hospital again' so I went. During the visit I said to him please tell me if talking is too much and I'll go. He said no it's fine and then 10 minutes later a woman turned up with flowers. She kissed him on the lips and said to me 'Hi, remember me I met you in the park over a year ago'...... I did remember, as D. had said he had a business appointment on that day and rushed off during a lovely time together. A few hours later I bumped into him, with this lady, a baby and her mother (whom he told me he is doing work for), during a festival in the park I remember dismissing it even though he looked guilty, but now know my instincts were correct. I made my exit saying something like ' I know I'll see you both around sometime soon. Have a nice visit". I remembered he had also cut another date short going to see her while saying he had a business appointment. I now feel that I can't communicate with him again even though he could die. The whole situation is really painful. Please would anyone out there have any insight as to why men like he who can't commit keep engaging with women anyway? (He used to tell me he was shy, yet has involvements with married women and does quite out there things like giving me a long hug at a funeral in front of a lot of other people when I didn't know him well at all. He then didn't make contact for over a year). He has another connection with a woman who looks in terrible emotional anguish every time I see her. I feel I would rather not have any males around and just be in my own space after what I've been through.
Because they can, Mimi! We allow them to, after all, we want to save them, and because they actually believe they can commit if only for the right woman. As long as they have the excuse that it's something wrong with the woman, they never have to look at themselves. And there we are, lining up, even several at a time, to each try to "save" him in our own unique way, both trying to fulfill a destiny that has nothing to do with the other but everything to do with ourselves.
Had a My man in My life for 13 years. No heavy conflicts and most of the time a great relationship. Because of a thing he Did, we had a conflict in November-15. Tried to Solve It but he took his jacket and his scarf and walked out of the house. He came back few days later to pick up some clothes. Since then i havent seen him. 13 years ended "justlike that". He has'nt Even picked up his stuff. I think he's ashamed. Think he knows somewhere that he hurt me soooo bad. But guess I'll never get to hear what really happened in his mind. It sucks, but life has to Go on. ❤️
And it does, and it will! Beautifully now. You're onto something, Tess. There's a reason why you couldn't solve it - he wouldn't let you! And yes, he's absolutely ashamed - but you'll never hear him admit that himself.
I just experienced this with a man I have known for several months. I didn't wait until things got bad though, I did trust my gut and confronted him right when I started to feel things were off. He said he likes being a free spirit and just wants to date whoever he wants to date, whenever he wants to date them. I said I thought that would be great and I had no desire to change this about him. The only caveat: I would no longer be one of the women he would be dating. 🙂 I cried for a day but realized that I had no desire to be with a man who didn't want to be with me. Hang in there Hurt, someone worth YOU will show up.
Loved your reply Becky oh to be so strong or resilient or whatever to only cry for a day. I did something much the same once ie called a man on his bad behaviour and basically said this is not working for me and no I am not happy to "cruise" (10 months in) when I sensed his wishy washiness and in effect said you are either in or not (he was not as it turned out). I have to say that whilst I feel I did the right thing it was not easy and for many months I felt a sense of sadness when of course he shut off all communication despite having told me several times before that that he loved me. Fundamentally though a sense of worthiness always rises up and if it takes a month or a year of 10 years (God forbid) before its does the important thing is to honour ourselves. We can't change them only ourselves. Since this point I have been far less interested in a relationship and way more content on my own and asserted some boundaries with some inappropriate connections. I also haven't attracted any more wishy washy men. Energetically it is a place that feels like the right landing place for someone worthy to show up one day as you say ... 😉
I can't believe how this story is similar to mine. I was with him for a year and half. He didn't treat me great and I wanted to end it but somehow he manged to make me stay. Then out of the blue I sensed a distance and when I asked him about it all he said was that he's not sure about us anymore. He gave me no reason or explanation, all he said was that he doesn't know and that I was the most perfect person he could ask for. This has left me confused, hurt, broken and blaming myself. But after reading this maybe it is his way of not dealing with me. But it still hurts.
All of these comments and more, as Jane is speaking to Hurt, which is also me. I have to admit that in being "understanding, patient and kind" (to a fault) I did not do service to myself or my relationship. A man that truly cared would have recognized that I was being a good woman; while mine, took my kindness for weakness. Rather than being the good woman I was trying to be (because I am a good woman) instead I only enabled his bad behavior by not holding him accountable. It may have ended Much sooner (like 4 years ago rather than 4 1/2 years later!), which would have been better for me, but apparently I had this lesson to learn. I am not taking all of the onus for this upon myself. He hasn't treated me as the good woman I deserve to be treated. My question for myself remains....why did I allow this to happen? Why did I wait so long and allow it to continue this way? Why did I allow myself to lose myself in all of this? When we are together it is we get along Great, 99.50% of the time. It's the time in-between us being together that he ignored me, didn't call me, or even text me. The last time we went out to dinner? A year and a half ago. Never, to a movie. What was I (have I been) thinking???!!!Other than him not being able to do relationships well, he is a good man; so I was always thinking..."Am I supposed to throw the baby out with the bath water?". But these days Everything is just Too disposable, including relationships and other people's feelings. And even if a man is a Good man, if he isn't good to Me, he isn't good to be with, and he doesn't deserve me. Something my family and friends have been saying for a long time. I keep asking myself...Why did I allow myself to be treated this way???!!!
Perfect Jane! Thank you for those words that we all need to hear from time to time.
Comments above have said what I wanted to say to you in better words.
You have to get closure for yourself, it won't come from him.
It takes courage to do a face to face to say the true. A lot of people just don't have it.
He's telling you all you need to know with his actions.
You deserved more, I'm sorry for that.
But the best you can do for yourself is accept what he has given you and move on.
Like this! 🙂
Sounds like this guy may have been interested in the beginning but then decided he wasn't interested, for whatever reason. Most guys lie, as do a lot of people in general - because they don't want to hurt someone. He may still care about you, but doesn't want to hurt you anymore - I would take this as a nice gesture and just move on. There are crapy guys out there who would take advantage of the fact that you still have feelings. Do you really want to spend time with guy and be "friends" with him, while he dates other people in front of you? Honestly I would have rather had an honest guy, who didn't want to continue a friendship, knowing I would continue to get hurt, than the ones that lead me to believe there may have been something still there. Just because he still care's doesn't mean he has to be your friend. Why doesn't he apologize - guys are guys and this isn't how they think - what is he apologizing for? I don't think guys really care if they lose a female friend - the way we as females care so much when we lose any friend. We are just built to think differently. I suggest you take this as a blessing that you found out now, rather than further down the road, delete his information from your phone, and don't look back, just move forward, and spend time with the girlfriends, that will always have your back through these tough times.
As cliché as this sounds, be happy you rid yourself of him. This guy is not a man, he is an emotionally unavailable spineless creep who not only can't be upfront with you about his feelings, he lies to you when you confront him. It really is not YOU it is him. He has no respect for women and he would do this to any woman. He probably did it to the one he was dating right after you which is why you didn't see them together at the party. Even though we all go to this site and share our unfortunate stories, there are good decent men out there who would do anything to be in a relationship with us. All good things to those who wait, don't give this guy the satisfaction of showing him you care and still think about him. You are giving him to much power. In my experience emotionally unavailable men ALWAYS come back after some time because they are insecure and need the ego boost that you still care and they still have control over you. When this mofo resurfaces (and he will), don't give him the time of day. Leopards don't change their spots! He will do this to you again and probably a lot of other women along the way. He will probably be reaching out to you as well as several others at the same time just to feel good about himself. Go out and be fabulous and meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with you and will never make you question his intentions! They are out there, you just need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!
Awesome!!!
Thank you I needed to hear that too xx
Powerful and encouraging... Thank u!
Great story Hurt and thank you for sharing. I had very similar things happen to me recently and have given this man two chances to keep our relationship going and this second time was different..he took me places and I met his friends and family however there was a emptiness with it. Can't explain it but it all lacked warmth and passion. I also felt and seen the signs that I wasn't the only one he was seeing. I walked away....I felt it was going nowhere and I just wasn't happy. Thanks again for this site..it helps so much to read others going through same feelings.
WOW - have you nailed it for me Jane! Thank you so much for this post. It has finally given me the clarity that I have needed between my heart and my head.
Spring is around the corner and it is time to sweep away those emotional skeletons hidden in our closet! 🙂
So glad this one was the one, Charlene. Here's to new beginnings for you!:)
If someone walks away from you, let them walk. Don't try to bring what is dead back to live. It only means, they were not part of your destiny and their story is over. Love yourself and know you are too precious not because a man responds to you but because God made you so. Keep saying this to yourself, I am so happy and grateful, now that loved, treasured and all favored by God! Affirming this will make you strong and appreciate yourself more..then you will realise, it came to Pass, it did not come to stay..Be happy girl!
I've wasted five years on a man I was more invested in than he was. He was lazy by not initiating anything, created obsticles and drama, he always made excuses and stiffled the relationship if you want to even call it that! Our situation sat in the same spot for 5 years! He is a major procrastinator when it came to me but he would act in every other part of his life! I was stupidly in love and had rose coloured glasses on! I was 44 when I met him and I'm turning 50 this year and have nothing to show for it! Don't waste your life away on a loser like I did! It's not worth the pain and sorrow it brings. You will never know if he's been invested else where as from my experience, they only tell you what they want you to know! Forget about this loser and live your life and do the things you love. if you meet someone who worthy enough to be with you, great, if not, enjoy your life anyway' ping things you love. I've wasted years pining over a man who truly wasn't worth having me, don't be a victim investing your heart in the wrong man!
Good words, Anna. You just described my former relationship but add 2 years. I hope we can all learn to trust in our own instincts and never devalue ourselves again in this way. I never will relive this nightmare again. I knew all along.....
Suzie.
I am going through the exact same thing right now. Jane thank you! Your response helped me put things in perspective. You are are right. We must take our power back and choose not to accept this behavior. That's when our healing can begin, by loving ourselves enough to let it go. Good luck Hurt! Thanks again Jane:)
oh I'm so glad this one helped you, too, Melody. You've got it! 🙂
I know you're hurt, but you haven't lost anything. You won your freedom. Think clearly about how you define friendship because it seems to me you are using and giving that title to people very loosely. Nothing in your letter seems like the behaviour of a friend.
Look within you. Why do you need anything from him at all? Look inwards. As Jane said, his inability to be honest is his, it has nothing to do with you.
Start looking at why you are choosing to go with the flow with men who don't call you a girlfriend. No amount of hangouts doing things couples do will change the fact that he's not calling you his girlfriend. Don't make yourself the filler girl. Start valuing yourself and listening to your instinct.
We in this community have all been there and we are all on the way to healing and breaking free from these harmful patterns. It's good you reached out.
Start feeling your feelings, writing them out and then seeing clearly why you're choosing these men.
You can learn so much from doing so.
That's a truly beautiful and heart-felt response, Jane 🙂
Thank you, Ruth. I'm so glad you felt that. 🙂
Dear Hurt,
I know what you are going through and I am not just saying that to try to make you feel better. I have been reading Jane's blogs now for a few weeks and am just starting the second week of her Beautiful, Confident, Radiant course and it must be working. (Thank you Jane.)
Although my story is not exactly the same as yours the outcome was the same, he pulled away, came back, pulled away and in frustration I said I was not happy. Long story short - no boyfriend. He has totally cut me off, this timing saying he no longer wanted to keep in any contact, saying he had done nothing wrong. Somehow that hurt even more, as if I do not matter. I spent so long thinking I was in the wrong. Yes, to a degree I was because I did not believe I was worthy of receiving love, although I knew from my heart ache I could give it. This morning, as normal my mind deferred to him and the final situation (planning a holiday with him at his suggestion, only to be told he was going with a female mate instead because she wanted to go and I was supposed to be happy with that and just wait from them to come home). I started my seemingly daily conversation with him, telling him how hurt I was (good job I live on my own, anyone would think I am mad talking to thin air). Then all of a sudden, it was if a light turned on and I understood it was not about me. Overtime we got really close he would be pushing the speed of the relationship, he asked me to live with him and then a few weeks after moving in he finished with me, he asked to try again but not living together, then started leaving more and more clothes and belongings at mine and spending more time with me, then he'd pull away again and a few weeks later I'd take him back. Four years of going around in the same circle, he'd want to get closer and then pull away. The light that turned on was IT WAS ABOUT HIM, NOT ME. As I said I had without realising it labelled myself as unworthy of being his priority and his actions of making arrangements with me and routinely cancelling them because one friend or another wanted his time just fed my belief. But he was also suffering from some internal demon. He cannot commit to a relationship and all the signs were there before we got into our relationship. He had been married twice, but by his own admission had walked out of both. His ex girlfriend, who I never met, use to get hold of me through social media and tell me he was selfish, would promise the earth and run at he last moment. He even told me he had trouble connecting fully with people before, but then would go onto say he could connect with me. Actions speak louder than words...
I know this does not help you now, hurt is a very real feeling. But please do not give up, life is not always about us, it takes two to be in a relationship of any kind and that is two different individuals bringing something to the mix. We can look at making ourselves as happy as possible, but we cannot help someone else, they need to do that. As Jane said, he is hurting in his own way. Maybe one day he will be as strong as you and start looking at his situation and then hopefully he will find peace in his inner self. I certainly hope my ex does, not because I want him to say "ah ha', that was what I did wrong and come back to me, but because I hope one day he will be able to give love fully as well as receive. Just as I know one day I will meet someone who can give me unconditional love as much as I can give it to them.
Don't try to understand him. He is his own person, just learn to love and understand yourself. You are worth love and happiness because you are you.
Keep smiling, Jan x
oh Jan, so glad that light turned on for you! 🙂
So my comment is going to be a little off track... I AM now the "GUY" in these stories... But I offer it as a fig leaf to woman kind out of guilt, and because I don't like to see people suffering emotionally:
I AM hurt. I DO care about what I'm doing. I HATE myself for it. I DO want to be better. I understand perfectly what is happening. I just don't have the answer to fix it in me any other way. I need companionship. I need sexuality. I need security. I need direction (or purpose). I have been fundamentally hurt by a woman I trusted with all my heart. I don't know if I was hurt because she was hurt and my pain was just another link in the chain of pain being forged by a series of now broken people... I do know one thing. I am stuck between what I need and what I can give... I always feel fine and feel positive about the future in the beginning...I tell myself I can give everything I could before I got hurt. But I never can. I want so badly to trust again... But to even try is to accept posing as a risk to an other person every time I do. I can't tell people I might be still hurting... Because nobody will want me. Am I to be alone for the rest of my life? I need to connect until I learn to trust again. But someone will have to pay for that by definition. Someone always does, It's the way it happens... Whether you've been left with a child, raped or had hundred lesser offenses perpetrated on you... you WILL ultimately go out there and unknowingly hurt people with that baggage. You'll do it despite yourself, and always in good conscience and with ready made rationals in place to live with yourself. So the question becomes, why not stop the relationship once you realize your still hurting? That is the moral thing to do... right? Well, unfortunately, it's not. The lessons that are needed must come from inside a relationship. The cycle only breaks when the play is allowed to play out until the end... until you are faced with the loss of the person you love because of your own mistreatment of her. Better let it complete then to risk hurting other people too. It's a sick joke. But once you have lost and you can't get her back... You get better... That's when everything starts to makes sense again. You were hurt, but you can hurt too (you are not weak). Love spares no-one, there are no favorites. It's all about security. It's about having confidence in your own ability to contend with the consequences of being vulnerable (which is a requirement of true love and connection). We stay with the person who is staying with us because they represent the virtues that we want, the ones that were missing in the person who hurt us originally. But, to be hurt also plays to our dominance drive. we respect strength, and we expect to be hurt by other males... we are biologically and psychologically ready for it to happen when it happens. We instinctively respect it and want to learn from it in order to become stronger. If the women we are with are weak and are accepting mistreatment, even though they have the virtues we are seeking... we push away... drawn back by the virtues and away by the weakness. A vicious cycle of confusion and pain for everyone involved. The answer is simple. Yet it can't be asked of someone. You have to let him go. Go away... It's the best thing to do for you and him. He will not leave, and you can't ever be with him the way you want and both deserve. You could stand beside him for years before he gets better-ish. But that is no way to live for either party. And he'll never be healed (and you'll be hurting). Our parents never tell us when to give up on relationships. because we use to have marriage. But marriage no longer means anything anymore. In fact, it's actually bad for everyone involved (when it includes an optional divorce clause). Marriage is all about sacrifice. and we don't believe in sacrifice anymore. So there is no security in marriage either. Besides, the state will pay for the babies and the forty year old independent divorced cougars are all over the place to help us with our "needs". Our society is sick and it's everyone's fault.
Thanks for sharing your side, The OtherSide. Don't ever doubt that there's someone for you, too, no matter what your past has looked like. Love could never be so cruel to give you a sensitive heart like yours with so much love to give and leave you with no where to go. But it may take leaving our comfort zones to experience it. Find your tribe. There's healing in friends and people who you can trust who will understand and accept you just the way you are.
I just had the same thing happen with a guy I have been seeing for a year, it is heart breaking for sure. All I do is cry. But it really is about him. He is not worthy of me, period!!! I have been beating myself up for 3 weeks now, saying I am not enough. No more, your guy is not worthy of you.