When he doesn’t have to drive to see you – because you come to him.
When he doesn’t have to give you love – to get sex.
When he doesn’t have to court you, date you, prove his worth to you – because you make this all so easy for him.
There’s a lie going around that we believe we just have to be enough, love enough, try hard enough, give enough and he’s going to come around.
It’s been going around as long as we were old enough to absorb it, and it’s spread all around us from the music we listen to, to the shows and movies we watch, to the more subtle messages marketed to us in advertisements, carried in familiar adages we never question, and in the words of everyone around us who’s bought into it, too.
So we try harder. Do more. Give more of ourselves away. Never questioning whether there might be a better way to get what we want so bad.
To be loved.
Except there’s a problem with this method.
It doesn’t work.
Because we’re doing all this with the wrong people.
They’re not the ones who are in any big hurry to change what’s been working so well for them. These ones we’re choosing to put all our time, energy and beautiful selves into aren’t rushing to reciprocate what we’re giving to them.
They’re standing there, sitting there – being there, not here – keeping as much of themselves out of the relationship as there is in it.
Purposely.
Because it works for them.
One foot out. One foot in.
And then there’s you.
Both feet in. Whole body in. Full heart in. Beautiful soul in. As in as you could possibly be.
Believing that just a little more heart, just a little more soul, just a little more you showing him he doesn’t have to be afraid - he doesn’t have to worry about getting hurt again – and he’ll be in.
Except that the opposite is true.
The more you’re in, the more he’s out. Watch that. See the pattern?
I used to think it was just me, or just him and that meant surely it had everything to do with me. Until I started waking up and seeing this was happening all around me with women who all shared one thing in common … they all believed that it was going to get better. Every single one of them!
And I was one of them. I thought my situation had to be different. I thought I couldn’t be like them. I thought he couldn’t be like any of the men they were talking about. Surely not me. And surely not him!
Until I couldn’t fight the reality any longer. I was just like them. And they were just like me. I wasn’t so special after all, and neither was he. How badly I wanted to be the exception! I lived to be the exception. But as more days passed, more weeks, then months, then years, I couldn’t deny it any longer.
It gets worse. Not better.
He pulls farther away instead of coming closer.
Your stories beg me to differ. You give me all the intimate details, begging for me to see something in there that tells you you’re going to be the exception. We try together to find something –anything – to make it real. But when you’re done with all the excuses, all the understanding in the world, there’s only one thing left.
The truth. You see it before I even say a word. Your truth.
It hurts. Oh how it hurts. We rail against it. We fight it with everything we’ve got. But it’s the only thing left to save you.
You’re worth so much more than this reality that plays out every single day in every single corner of the globe. After meeting you in every country, every continent on the globe, I’m come to the conclusion that we’re all the same regardless of how different our cultures, our countries, our specific circumstances may be.
Will this one be your wake-up call? Will this one finally be the one that gets through to you? Let’s stop right here so we don’t have to go through this again. So you don’t have to go through this again. I know he’s worth it to you. But what are you worth? How many days, weeks, months, years are you worth putting yourself through this for him?
Take all those excuses and understandings or things that only exist in his world – and yours since you’ve made his your own. What if you stop excusing? What if you stop understanding? What if instead you start listening, watching, observing and seeing what this is doing to you?
Wake up, beautiful. Wake up. Your beautiful life is calling. Don’t ignore it anymore. He’s not where it’s at. You are!
needed to read this today. This describes my three year relationship. He left six months ago but he wont stop calling me. I just love this guy to pieces, we have so much fun, he’s optimistic, we have incredible sex, but he ‘doesn’t want a relationship at this time.” I haven’t given in to his requests for sex and I finally got mad that he even asks. Just yesterday I blocked him from all social media and any other way he can reach me. I hope this works. I need to stay away from him. I’ve allowed him to darken too many days. I don’t understand why they m allowing this to happen. I’ll be 50 this year… maybe I just don’t want to start over. Idk. But this has to stop. Praying for strength.
A guy I'm friends with has done this to me. He has led me to believe hes interested in a relationship only to break my heart later. He wants the sex but not the commitment. Problem is it's the best sex I've ever had. I really have fallen in love with him but feel like hes pulling away. I'm trying to give him space but at the same time I dont want to lose him. How do I handle this? How do I get him to reciprocate not like force him but gain feelings for me?
I have a question about wanting to be the exception. I understand that the vast majority of the time you never will be but what if the person your dating is hesitant to get exclusive or serious because they are a widower and getting back in the game. I’ve been going on dates with a man who lost his wife to cancer two years ago and he started dating about 16 months after she passed so he’s still within his first year of dating. He is not crossing any lines with me beyond friendship and we enjoy a casual date every month or so. I remain open to dating other people and truly am not putting my life on hold but there’s a part of me hoping when he’s ready he’ll pursue. Am I being foolish to hold onto hope in a little corner of my heart?
No, but don't live your life waiting for that to happen. The problem is that even when we say we're not putting our lives on hold or waiting, we usually can't help ourselves. So as long as you're perfectly clear with yourself about what you want from him, and more importantly, what you're willing to accept from him, you're the one setting your own terms and that matters more than anything else here!
Oh my God! It's like my soul is speaking to me with this post! I could have written the same thing!
"The more you’re in, the more he’s out. Watch that. See the pattern?" (If you had any idea how many times I've said something just like that!)
I could see it with both eyes open, but chose to deny it! Or I pretended it wasn't true. Or I blamed myself instead of him. Or I played hard to get to see if that would wake him up. And he never came around... So I'd crawl back and apologize. Good God, it's like someone just took a flash light and shined it on all the stuff I knew was there but refused to look at.
Thank you Jane, from the bottom of my heart.
You're so welcome, Lynette. It is.
My boyfriend of 8 years just broke up with me about 2 months ago. We were getting serious and talking about marriage. He went looking for rings, told me he couldn’t find the right one. Asked what style I liked, I told him. We eventually went together to look (mistake #1 I guess). I found one, he bought it.
Apparently my excitement about the whole situation and "pressure" he told me I put on him to propose "pushed" him away. However, I had no idea he felt this way, until he was having the breakup convo with me. I was confused and felt so lost...apparently he had been feeling this way for a while, but didn’t know what to say. He said he loved me, but didn’t know if this was what he wanted at the time. I guess he began freaking out and second guessing if this was something he really wanted- but we talked about becoming serious and moving to the next step for a while. I thought we were on the same page.
A month after the break up we began talking- he told me he had talked to another girl and only “kissed” her while we were broken up. I was devastated…it had only been a month. He said it was nothing and is nothing…of course. But there went my trust for him. Still in love, I gave him another shot. We slowly talked and hungout. Things were going good, but his empty promises to show me how much he really wanted me started to mean nothing, no actions were being taken. As a guy, wouldn’t you try everything under the sun to fix things if you knew how much a girl meant to you?
I am struggling to move on. I am taking some space for myself to see if this is what I want, to see if he will realize what he has lost and actually do something about it instead of making false promises. I had my life planned out with him. He was my best friend and first real love. I know the first heartbreak is always the worst and maybe this is why I am trying so hard to make things work...or was, because he was my first/ is my first. I'm honestly not sure what to do at this point, besides take space and just ponder. I feel myself drifting away, maybe I should.
Yes, P, he would "try everything under the sun to fix things if you knew how much a girl meant to you?" This is his stuff, not yours. If he's going to get there, it has to come from him. You can't do this for him. You feel yourself drifting away for a reason - he isn't giving you anything to hold onto.
I was in a relationship for 5 years, he left, but we still contacted and saw one another for the next 4 years. Then he moved to another State asked me to go be with him and I left my job, my home, my family to go be with him only for him to pull away once I was there. I was devastated and still can’t believe all the years I wasted waiting and following him. Never again!! A man that truly loves his woman will do whatever it takes to get the relationship at a point where both feel good and at ease about it. Don’t waste your time waiting not going after any man. I know I will never do that again.
I really dont know where to start it's been 2 years now i have been in this relationship similar to what you are describing in fact you are describing exactly what i am putting up with just giving and giving my all and never getting. this guy just keep makeing excuses, reasons for us not to be together spending time i just think he is taking me for granted that he is not serious about me and this relationship. he made a lot of promises to me in the past and now he seem uninterested. i really love this guy a lot but i am getting tired of running after him for his attention. i am fed up now
There's a reason we get tired of running after someone, Darlene. We know we're not meant to!
Trust me, I've done the same thing! You always hear people say to stop looking and it will happen when u least expect it. I never really cared for that comment, lol, but once it happens it makes all the sense in the world. And yes, there is hope. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I always had high hopes, but in the the wrong thing. I always hoped my ex would change to to be how he is now, trying to win me back. But turns out he's way too late. As my favorite saying goes, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
Stories of people that end relationships and let go, and then meet someone new, definitely give me hope. Congrats Danielle! I think my trouble is I'm always looking instead of trusting that he'll come along when I least expect it.
Hi Jane!
This article came just at the right time.
I met this guy in the summer when I wasnt really looking for anything. I hooked up with him and then soon we started kind of seeing each other. After couple of months though I noticed he wasnt really into it so I told him I'm letting him go. I realised I was worth much more than his occasional visits. About month later he started contacting me again and just before Christmas I met him. It was great to see him but I knew it would only be a one night thing. However, unfortunately he treated me so nicely that I felt the old feelings coming back again. I was happy for a little while but then realised he still wasnt in it. I confronted him and he couldnt say much except nothing has really changed since the last time we had the same conversation. He just didnt feel the spark with me. So since then I decided it was definitely the last time I would give him my attention in romantic way.
So now I'm definitely trying to let him go. It is hard since there are those times when he treats me well and that connection we have (maybe only from my side then) and the feeling that he is the guy for me but I know better and I try hard to remember this. If he were my One, he'd keep in contact with me regularly and if we had such strong connection, I'd hear from him and he wouldnt go cold on me at all.
So thank you Jane because you help me to stay strong for letting go of him. You encourage me to hear that my One is not going to treat me this way and that I need to close that door between and shouldnt listen to him anymore. See he knows he has me as his friend and lover, as the person who is there for him and who likes him a lot but as soon as he finds a girl who he will be interested in more, he will go for her and no longer contact me.
With your help Jane, I will take back my power and calm my thoughts of him. I will move on and hopefully learn my lesson of attracting emotionally unavailable men. I actually think my ideal man is someone who treats me with the respect and love I deserve and who is kind and available because he is interested in me in every way.
I'm so glad this one resonated with you, Annie. Sounds like you're onto something here. Find that beautiful power of yours that's always there within you. You deserve reality, not a mere fantasy that shows up once in awhile when it's convenient for him. We tell ourselves all kinds of stories when we want someone to be the One, but the real One is just that, the real thing without us making him into anything. Sounds like you're seeing this for yourself. 🙂
Thank you Jane!
Has been a few days since I responded to this and guess what my heart is light. I feel like I'm on the right track now. Last night on my way home I realised the feeling of happiness I was feeling was exactly the same that I had last year when I decided to accept and turn my back to my ex boyfriend and finally move on. The feeling of relief, gratitude, love is just so amazing. I realised I was myself again. I was able to move on and be happy.
Now that I am me again, I actually realise my love for myself and the universe is much healthier and more important than romantic love. So I am now questioning perhaps I am not meant to be with anyone. Romantic relationships exhaust me, I lose myself in them while I should be nourishing the little girl inside me, I start nourishing him. I do everything to show how much love and kindness I have in me and completely forget myself.
So now being back to being me I realise perhaps romantic love is not for me. Could it be so? I am thinking the love for myself and universe gives me so much more that I can give up on my dream of having a husband and a family. I am free of the chains the emotional roller coaster rides caused and no one is in power of treating me badly now.
Love will find you, so keep being your true self. You won't need to give up anything when it's the right love. Love nurtures.
I totally agree with what ur saying and can actually see it all very clearly now. I've been reading ur emails for a year or longer while I was in a relationship that went no where. I would read ur emails and knew what needed to be done, but wasn't ready to give up. Until one day, something happened. It was like a switch went off. I ended my terrible 3 yr relationship and ended up finding the love of my life! Its all very simple. When u find the one ur supposed to be with, it just works. No forcing, no confusion, no wondering where u stand or how he feels. It's right in front of u and u wonder how u ever put up with the struggles of past relationships. It shouldn't be hard. If someone loves u they won't be afraid to show it and tell u! I can honestly say I'm the happiest ive ever been and my ex still tries to get me back knowing he messed up. Well, it's too late. My BF proposed to me on Xmas day and I couldn't be happier! This is how love is supposed to feel. Jane, ur the best, keep up the good work. I can't thank u enough!
Danielle I'm so happy for you! Thank you for sharing, gives me some hope that I might actually meet a man who appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer.
Oh Danielle, I'm so thrilled for you that you're experiencing exactly how love is supposed to feel! Thank you for sharing your story, for inspiring us all, and for allowing me to be part of your journey in your own time, in your own way. "When you find the one you're supposed to be with, it just works. No forcing, no confusion, no wondering where u stand or how he feels." - So very, very true!
Oh my God this really hit me where it hurts. I have begun to see a cycle in my dating relationships with men... the more I'm in, the more they're out. It's created an anxiety of sorts for me because the men whom I feel lukewarm about seem to keep coming around for more whereas the ones I adore seem to slip through my fingers. There's much that can be read into this such as I am behaving differently towards the men I adore in such a way that makes them feel overwhelmed, perhaps... I'm beginning to take a good hard look at what changes in me to cause this chain reaction, but it most certainly seems to begin with what I would call the pullback on their part that I seem to have such a hard time with. The bottom line for me is to take my time before deciding that I will give my heart to a man who must prove his way into my heart by showing up in my life consistently and lovingly. I think behaving in this way not only honors myself but also draws him closer because as we all know, men love what is not easily attainable. Lesson learned... hopefully! Just met someone new... wish me luck to handle this one wisely.
I think opinion love shouldn't hurt
, we don't have to try harder if he's not welling to be kept there nothing you can do
This is article was probably just what I needed to read too. I was in a relationship with a guy for almost two years, that always showed up, spent four nights at my house, weekends together when he wasn't working, we had fun, had fantastic holidays, etc but emotionally he wasn't open. He said he was scared to get hurt again, and used the excuse that he wasn't ready for a relationship as he was taking things a day at a time, yet he kept one foot in. These are the most confusing types of guys for us insecure women, as they're not bad men, but they're just giving as little as they can get away with ... I finally had the strength to end things when he said he couldn't come to a wedding with me, as he'd preferred to work. I literally did so much for him, his needs always came first and he couldn't even bother to step up this one time. Since we split I constantly think if only, what about this and that but I keep reading articles and quotes to remind me, there is better out there!!!
Another good book, is about women that attract or go for unavailable men, I had lots of aha moments, and constantly referring back to it. Dr Seus Love Pescription : repeating negative patterns...
We all need to remember we deserve the best, not it will do ...
Jane- Thank you sooo much I get soo much out of your thoughts . You gave me the courage to leave this type of "relationship'. I jus met someone who is treating me so well like I deserve and all because of your insight. I cant thank you enough!!:)
A great article that will help you put things in perspective when it comes to the toxic relationship is "The Toxic Attraction Between An Empath And A Narcissist," by Alex Myles. You can Google it. The article is a masterpiece at describing the toxicity between an empath (those of us with caring hearts) and a narcissist (the emotionally unavailable men we attract) and why it does not and will never work. I highly recommend it as a tool in helping you let go (together with the insightful master, Jane!) Both have been very instrumental in allowing me to FINALLY walk away!
Brenda, thanks for pointing me to this article, it probably describes every relationship I've had until now! A real wake up call to what I need to avoid, and what I need to look for to feel fulfilled in a relationship. Again, just what I needed at just the right time.
thank you for the truth...its a very hard road to shack off 30+years of a master manipulator& his surviver Mom...my X mother in law of 31 years...looked at me as I put out my hand to her in kindness at my daughters wedding..she says to me "who are you" 3 times!!! really I served them for 31 years..I smiled walked away...still more mean spirits...
my X remarried,good she can have him no problem, can we find a way to be kind to each other,as our children get married,have families of there own...how to break down the walls?? be kind grandparents for the future peoples of our world....
Thank you for being here and hearing your own truth, Jane. You can't change anyone. You can't make anyone want to. You can only accept the reality that is and do what you need to do - what you choose to do - for you with that reality. The rest isn't yours to carry.
I just don't know what to say. All of thus me. Every bit. Repeatedly, pathetically, consistently over the last 25 years. I'm exhausted, disillusioned and yet again alone. I'mthe best Iin the world forposing advice, quotes etc "Never go back towhat broke you" yet I do Iit time and time again. Why? What will it take for me to learn once and for all. Maybe this page? Friends and family just despair of me. They look at me like I'm crazy. Why do you still talk to him? I thoughtyou said you wwere done with him? I'm just weary. Thanks for posting this x
Because we're so good at knowing what we need to do, Karen, but not so good as doing it for ourselves. I could have written your words in a different time and place. It's the underlying part that changes this. We have to accept ourselves, love ourselves enough to extricate ourselves from situations and people like these. We can't do it until we raise ourselves up as equals to see our own worth, our own value not because of what they do with us, but because of what we choose to do with and for ourselves. I hear you more than you know.
i think for me the hardest part about this in my last relationship (ended 2 months ago) is that all these half in half out behaviors started AFTER we became committed and mutually serious about a future together. All the dynamics you describe were happening but since he was my BOYFRIEND and commited to me, i allowed it and felt hurt but tried to be cool and understanding etc. I am beating myself up now for allowing it. It's just that i did so well in waiting to have sex, let him pursue me 100%, waited for exclusivity before i lifted a finger in his direction. I feel so ashamed that i put up with his lazyness, and detachment for 2 yrs. My self esteem is in the toliet!
oh Lily, take that shame and beating yourself up and wrap your arms around the little girl inside you who's hurting instead. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. You did what you thought was best! In the end, someone always reveals who they are not because of you or anything that's wrong with you, but because of who they are and what they're dealing with. Don't put anymore of his stuff on you. Don't take anymore of what isn't yours on yourself. There's a beautiful woman buried underneath everyone else's stuff, Lily. Find her. Find you. Go shine! There isn't any part of you that belongs in the toilet. Stand up. Brush yourself off. Take a deep breath. You can do this! Today. Right now. You're here now. It's a fresh start if you make it one. A brand new day!
Hi Jane
I think this may well be my wake up call. I'm currently going thru a break up from 2 weeks ago and, even tho I know he's no good for me and doesn't actually want me, I'm still thinking but things could be so different if only he could see! Your post has highlighted that I need to realise my worth and it's not hanging around waiting for him!! I just need it to stay in my mind.
Selina
Exactly, Selina! You can do this! Not for him, not for anyone else, but for you - because you're more than worth every good thing, every beautiful thing, and all the love in the world!
OMG I can relate! In my mind I know we are friends in my heart I want so much more. I have this one woman in my life that is my achilles heel and she is toxic for him and it drives me crazy. To the point where I am jealous and I shouldn’t be. And now it is driving a wedge between us. Our conversation has been she is a friend whom I care deeply for and nothing more (end of discussion). He has a few female friends in his life and is generally a very caring person but whatever reason this one woman makes me cringe and if I continue to be jealous of her it will destroy my relationship with him. Is the only way to overcome this is to disconnect with him? How do I teach myself to meet half way and not both feet in? Torn - UGGGGH
By treading very, very slowly, Darlene. By valuing yourself enough to know that it doesn't serve you to move closer than he's moving to you. To fill your own cup so full that what you get from any him is only the icing on the cake and not the whole thing. What does she have that you feel you don't or can't have? Why? There's a reason someone gets under our skin. We free ourselves when we discover why.
Because he pays more attention to her - shame on me !
Don't shame yourself, Darlene. Shaming and beating yourself up are the surest ways for you to stop learning.
Instead, see yourself in third person and like a dear friend. You wouldn't tell her "shame on you". You would tell her it happens to all of us and you understand she's sad, but that you're there for her and you'll explore together to find out what to do to address the real cause of her suffering.
Be gentle with yourself.
All of the things I've read from you this past month have really hit home. You're absolutely right on. I'm 65 years old, I live in a small town And I have some physical problems. This man has excepted me exactly the way I am. I'm stuck in the rut of thinking that he is my last chance and that it's better than nothing. He has many good qualities and we have a lot of things in common. However, I know that being alone and being peaceful is better than the pain I put up with. I was alone for 4 1/2 years before I met him. In the last year I was getting lonely and praying for love one more time in my life. Well Sometimes we have to be careful what we pray for! My family isn't close And my girlfriend moved away. I know what I need to do, it's just so hard to finally say goodbye! Oops, here it comes, the words " it's better than nothing" keep entering my brain! I feel like a pathetic emotional young girl! I'm talking small town here! Well, thanks for being there and for all that you do. One of these days I'll do it!
And you will, Kathie. When you've seen everything you need to see, when you have every piece of information you need, when you feel in your heart of hearts that you can't go on anymore doing what you've always done. Find that little girl inside of you who isn't pathetic or emotional. She's feeling ashamed. Hold her. Love her. Give her what she's so scared she'll never have. Your love, your acceptance, your gentle words. Fill your own cup and you'll be able to see him for who he is so you can make any decision out of fullness, not from lack. Trust yourself. You'll know when there's nothing left to know.
I met a man at work and, for me, it was love at first sight. We flirted lightly for a year before we finally went out. I had turned off on him during that year because I felt he was immature and maybe a player. But, eventually, we met for a drink and sparks flew. But he became aloof and would flirt and would ask me out and we'd meet and have a great time but more often than not, he would cancel dates. We finally got away for the weekend and it was disastrous because he had food poisoning, it rained and nothing went well. It woukd be a year before we'd meet again and only less than five calls from him. When we met again, sparks flew again and we had a great time in bed. We met again and it was good. But it has been a month and he hasn't asked to see me. We spoke three days ago on a Friday and I invited him to dinner if he was free on Sunday. He said he'd let me know but never called or texted. That was it for me. I Realized the relationship causes me more pain than joy and I deserve more respect than that. So I blocked his number so that I won't wait for his call anymore and, although I'm in pain, I know it will fade and I'll get over him. There is still that hope that he will seek to find me, but that is my fantasy mind at work and my ego. If he does, I hope my feelings have faded enough to say no.
This is 100 percent my story, it hurts every time I feel rejected, but I hope that THIS time will be the time he realizes what he has, and gets with the program. The problem is he doesn't! I need our HELP!
And if he doesn't, it doesn't change your worth or your value, Kelly. I know it feels like rejection, but it's not. That's only the story we're so used to telling ourselves. Instead, it's two people on two different pages and not so personal like we always make it out to be. Why does it have to be him? What is it about him that you feel like you need him and only him? Get to the root of that and you'll set yourself free. But be so gentle and loving to yourself as you make your way though this. He doesn't determine your worth; you do. And you're worth all the love in the world!
Oh Jane you are doing it again . always on point, I'm busy communicating with a guy who told me he was not ready for a relationship, he told me this after we have been in something that I thought was a relationship in fact thats what it seemed. So after months of only chatting through WhatsApp without him making plans to see me or spend time with me like he used to I finally gatherd the courage to ask him what was going on he finally told me he was not ready. After wards he stopped communicating with me, and I also did the same, however after 2 months of no contact I messaged him and we started again with our chats, We chat everyday all day, but it ends there, a part of me still hopes that he will Change his mind and want to see me, but deep down I know he won't, Its killing me to know that he is there but at the same time he is not there. If I can find courage to cut all contact all together but at the same time I enjoy the attention.
How I wish it was that easy to just walk away without turning back. I thank you so much for your support Jane, and to the beautiful Women in this forum YOU ARE THE BEST!!
So glad this is resonating with you, Lolly. I'm always here for you! Accept the human part of you; it's not easy to just walk away without turning back because you love like you do, you feel like you do, you are who you are! Accept that and the rest will become easier. You have to value yourself enough first so you can start attracting someone who values you, too!
The craziest part about this is that I honestly thought I was the only one. I was thinking to myself that "nobody in their right mind could possibly put up with this insanity " when the truth is I've been in my right mind dealing with someone who was doing what came natural to them, which turned out to be horribly draining to me. The more I gave of myself (mentally, emotional and physically) the more he only said he loved me, when in all actuality he didn't even know how to. Looking back I see that... Moving forward I'm recognizing the difference. A love that's real comes so easily and grows naturally and maintaining it comes from both ends equally and meets in the middle unselfishly. I just mustard up the courage to "start over" and so far so good... Regardless of the negative thoughts about myself I was left with a when I told myself I was being rejected, somewhere DEEP inside of me I KNEW I was and still am worth SO MUCH MORE than that.
Jane your amazing God bless you!
Tiffany draining is exactly the right word to describe being in a relationship like this! I lost weight, because my stomach was constantly in knots and I lost my appetite. I was constantly trying to be the good girlfriend, and what he needed, while ignoring the fact that he NEVER took my needs into consideration.
I'm so grateful to this email today, like you, it has shown me that it's not just me that has got caught up in this kind of relationship. And as I said in my own post, they will be the ones that come to regret the end of it, not us, we are worth more than what they could ever give us.
We all think that, Tiffany. You're so not the only one! This is the beautiful other side of going through this that we almost always miss; that there is a place deep inside us where we know our own truth, where we know that we deserve more, where we know there's so much more for us than what we've been settling for. We always know! Finding that place within, grounding ourselves in that place when it feels like our world is falling down around us, this is what sets us free!
My goodness! Your email described my last relationship perfectly... PERFECTLY!!!
It came at just the right time, we broke up around 6 weeks ago, and I've been doing fine, but today I'm having a down day, thinking about him, thinking about how good things were when we were together. How I should have maybe agreed to stay friends, in case HE changed his mind and decided he could give me what I need after all. In case HE realised how lucky he was to have me, who was there for him, who would have done anything for him, who would have stuck by him whatever. And your email reminded me, what did he actually, EVER, do for me? Not a whole lot.
It's funny because I bumped into an ex last week, we were together 8 years ago, same type of relationship, same type of break up, and when he asked me to go for a coffee I grudgingly agreed. What did he say to me? Well, he couldn't look me in the eye for a start, but he apologised for how he had treated me, and said he'd thought about me often over the years, how stupid he was for walking away, how badly he'd treated me. I'll admit it felt good, I am over him, I don't ever think about him, and in fact, when he was apologising, I didn't even remember a lot of the things he was sorry for! It was nice catching up, hearing about his son and how he's doing now, his family, friends, but I felt nothing for him other than that. We hugged, and left. Half an hour later I had an email from him telling me how great I looked, and how he knew he could never make up for what he'd done, but he hoped that maybe one day I could see that he's changed, and could give him another chance. I said I was happy to chat if we bumped into each other, and maybe in time a friendship would form, but I had moved on, and wasn't looking to get into a relationship with him. Since then, he's messaged me every day, asking in different, veiled ways, to meet up, to kick start something. Now don't get me wrong, I know he hasn't really changed, he's still the same man he was back then, and would probably still freak out at the first sign of commitment, but it made me feel better to know that while I was hurting, I have been able to move on, and forget that hurt.
My point is, 8 years on, I never think of this man, yet here he is, telling me all this time he's thought of all the things he's done and felt regret. This man, who broke my heart, who moved on without a second thought (or so I thought), hasn't been able to get me out his head all these years. And so as much as I'm feeling down today about my most recent half-in man, and probably will have the odd day like this as I climb out of my rebound phase, I know that this man too, will one day realise how much he hurt me, how selfish he was, and how lucky he would have been to be with me.
So if you are in a relationship like this, my advice would be, get out! This man may be capable of change, but he never will if you continue to make his life easy, and make it easy for him to be half in, half out. I think that this time, I've learned my lesson. There are a few men asking me out, but against all my instincts, I'm keeping them at arms length, emersing myself in my own life, and the people I already have in it. These men may be good men, they may not, but I think I'm now ready to realise that if these men are really worth it, they'll realise I am too, and fight to have me in their lives. And if not, just like my two half in men, it's their loss, definitely not mine.
Perfect! Exactly what I needed to read at the right time.
I have an ex that broke my heart many years ago that is asking me out too. The difference is that I can't understand what he wants and I think he still doesn't know what he wants either! A friend of mine told me I should show him I'm interested and patiently wait to see what he does... How far do we need to go to show them we're interested? And now I'm wondering, if he's really interested I would see it, wouldn't I?
I'm so confused...
It sounds like your ex is like mine, both the men I spoke of above wanted to stay friends. But only so they could keep me around as a backup plan, in case they decided they did want to settle down. Not because they actually cared about me. The long ago ex admitted he had been extremely selfish, and even as we spoke last week he told me again, it was all about making him feel better by apologising to me. These men never really change, if they did, they'd SHOW us, not just tell us. Actions speak louder than words. So look at that with your ex, what is he doing to show you he's ready to be all in?
In my situation, I'm being polite, but not engaging in conversation, not keeping the conversation going, not starting a chat. And I know from how he's reacting it's driving him crazy, he has me pegged as a doormat, and is shocked I'm not being sucked in this time. He's starting conversations about anything and everything. The kicker? In his bid to impress me, he invited himself to my house for dinner as he always loved my cooking!!! I'm sure you can imagine my response. It just proves, no matter how much he claims he's changed, he wants me to pander to his needs, make him comfortable. If he had really changed, he'd have asked if he could take me to dinner or at least to cook for me!
Keep this man at arms length, enjoy the fact he would still love you to be in his life, but don't get sucked back into his.
Thank you Nicola!!!!
Oh my God, what a d-bag!
I wouldn't even be polite, I would cut this kind of person out of my life, period. He doesn't even deserve your politeness.
I figure why even have contact with someone who doesn't care about me at least to be respectful? I decided last year to keep my circle of even acquaintances clean. Only people who are honest, respectful, responsible for themselves and who highly value growth. It of course has become small, but my interactions are definitely more worthwhile and genuine.
Hi Nicole - your final paragraph is great advice - I need to learn how to be half in and half out and not give 110% to everyone - I only hurt myself.
Darlene, I think I'm learning to focus my time and love on the people who give me the same in return rather than be half in, half out. I put my ex's before most other people, where in reality, they deserved the same placing in my priorities as they gave me. Last! I was so happy when they wanted to make time for me, I began not making plans, just in case they'd have some time. Someone worth your time (and mine) will work round your schedule to see you if they really want to. If they don't, they aren't that interested, and why would you make someone like that a priority?
Focus on the good, established relationships you have in your life, if you do that, I think, that will only leave room for a man that wants you enough to give you his time when it's not always convenient just for him.
Thank you Nicola - you have nailed it and so has Jane !
Exactly, Nicola. You've captured this sentiment so beautifully here in your own words, with your own story. Thank you for sharing. We all have those down days when only the good things come to mind, and we're filled with the if only's, the what if's, and the what might have been's. It doesn't change reality. And now you've got your own example of that in the words of your ex. You always were the one doing the choosing - even if you didn't realize that at the time. You knew!
Thank you, I know that next time I meet a man like this, I won't put my needs last. It's just so good to know I'm not the only one that's been all in when they're not!
me n this guy have been friends and known each other for 5 years, during the time i met him n there was a time me n him were kinda close friends, he kept starting convos on FB in the past, he was interested in me back at the time & get along with each other. as Oct 2013 came we both swapped numbers & texted each other until he thought i was stalking him but i wasn't, he was stalking me.
2014 he would told me he got a job, new house etc n did the friday gardening
last year in may i tried gardening coz my friends told me to give it a try n he remembered me and we reunited with each other as friends. i told him what's new etc.
last year he still kept starting convos then i acted shy like i didn't want to start convos with him. as i got myself into a trap where i kept starting convos and he reads it and replies. when it came to footy season he started convos when it came down to both state team final series.
in the last 2 weeks he's been posting politics on FB n 1 friend of his commented on it n he commented back to them as the comments were like 4 pages of an book in terms of length of it. there was 1 time he posted something about the doctors n i commented n he deleted everyones comment except mine. last Wed he posted photos n i commented n he deleted it n my heart said he deleted it coz it sounded too simple and i wrote more in my second comment
in the past week i've been confused on FB messenger as i can describe it putting myself in and out. my PC will say he was active 1m but the messenger app on my phone will say he's active now n i ask the same thing like how's things, what's up. idk any other way to start a convo. he's been ignoring me and i delete the msgs. i invited him to my party on the weekend n he didn't show up n never said sorry etc.
yesterday as i working i thought of him n my heart kept telling me he will read/reply to your msg on chat. he's still my fb friend though. i don't plan on deleting him or else i will be sad. i may see him at gardening on 31 January .
i'm in the trap where i'm interested in him, no1 else, he's all i want etc.
i'm so confused about the messenger thingy where PC 1min & messenger app on my phone says "active now" whereas i'm used to both screens saying active now phone n laptop green dot. but i don't see a green dot next to his name n he's still my friend. i get this nervous feeling he will delete me but my heart says "he won't delete me coz I'm his longest friend on FB and that longer FB friendships will keep going" had i known him for a short time like 6 months he may've/would've deleted me.
everytime he comes online n use my phone n it makes say what's up n then delete the last msg. idk whether to send him a photo or a sticker as well as the usual what's up/how's things etc
If he's ignoring you, he's letting you know where he stands, Courtney. That's all you need to know. Look at why "he's all I want". This is about you wanting someone who's ignoring you and letting you know he doesn't want you, not about him. Take your own power back by taking charge of the only thing you can change - yourself. He's going to be who he is and do what works for him. You be your own beautiful self and do what you need to do for you!