Our beautiful friend, Julie, has a boyfriend who says he loves her, but then doesn't spend time with her. She's wondering what to do.
Here's what she wrote:
My boyfriend of 5 years has been telling me for a while now that he cannot give me what I need right now in our relationship but that he loves me and wants a future with me and is still with me except he doesn't do anything with me.
He won't spend holidays or time with me but he says he will after he's done with college, he also says if I can't wait for him then I should leave.
How can he say something like that?
I've done everything his way for a while now but I don't know what to believe or do in this relationship anymore. What kind of guy doesn't want anything to do with his girlfriend but yet keeps reminding me doesn't want to break up but tells me to leave if I can't handle what he wants?
And I always feel like I'm the one ruining everything when I just keep trying to comply to what he wants by questioning him on what we are doing. He just keeps saying he will give me everything and more when all this is done but cannot be available for me now.
I guess I don't know what steps to take now and I need help.
- Julie
My Response:
You are in a pretend relationship, Julie, and you have been for a long time.
But until you decide you no longer want to be in that pretend relationship, that’s exactly what it will be. That’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
Pretending.
Pretending everything’s OK. Pretending that we can believe his words even when his actions say the opposite. Pretending we can be with someone who can’t give us what we need all because of those words he can always be counted on to say; “but I love you and still want a future with you.”
You say he’s still with you “except he doesn’t do anything with me”.
Listen to that.
Say that again out loud. Can you hear that?
If he doesn’t do anything with you, what do you have? What do you have if you stop pretending, stop making excuses, stop seeing only what you want to see and start seeing the reality of what is actually there – and what isn’t?
Someone who wants to be in a real relationship with you will be there for the holidays, will be there in real time, and won’t have an excuse for why he can’t do these things now, only some obscure date in the future.
He’ll be there with you because he wants to be there with you!
The part you’re missing here, Julie, is that it takes real, live actions to show you where someone stands. Words mean nothing without the actions to back them up. And then, when you’ve got the actions, it’s consistency that you’re looking for.
Consistent actions over time that show you whether what you’ve got is sustainable or merely something that happens when it suits him, when it works for him, or when he can fit you in. You’re worth so much more than that!
You ask what kind of guy doesn’t want anything to do with his girlfriend but yet keeps reminding her he doesn’t want to break up, but tells her to leave if she can’t handle what he wants?
The kind of guy who doesn’t want to take responsibility for anyone’s feeling except his own, Julie. The kind of guy who wants to make sure you know where he stands so you can decide for yourself whether you want to stay with him.
These words are all too familiar to me, both in the stories I hear from women just like you, and from my own personal experience. They say one thing and only one thing.
I’m not going to be responsible for your broken heart.
I never knew that at the time, and most of us don’t hear that part – most of us can’t allow ourselves to hear that part – until it’s too late.
Do we want someone like this?
Does this feel loving?
If we’re in a relationship to be loved, find the love in these words. Just try.
We say we love these men, but it’s hard to find any semblance of love in the words they choose to save for us. It’s a telling exercise to try to find the reciprocal love here, Julie. But if you’re like most of us, you’ll try. And try and try and try some more.
Until we wake up and see what we’re really doing here.
Of course you feel like the one ruining everything when you just keep trying to comply to what he wants but instead end up asking him where the relationship is going and what you’re doing. It’s familiar isn’t it? We’ve been so well trained to comply, believing that we can somehow control a situation or another person by being good, by not rocking the boat.
But we’re learning fast that this is no way for any of us to live.
I can’t tell you how many times I heard the empty promises that I only need to let him go for now and when he was ready to build his castle, I’d be there as his queen. All while he was letting me walk out the door.
No stopping me. No saying don’t leave. Just empty promises that I so naively believed at the time. But wasn’t he still closing the door? Wasn’t he saying the same thing over and over again, instead of asking me to stay?
We don’t know what to do next when we confront reality like this. When it slowly begins to sink in that what we’re in isn’t real, that we’re only pretending, but we can’t do it anymore. What next?
You stop pretending, Julie.
You accept what he says - and especially what he does – at face value. You hear him for the first time. The actual words, not just what you can make them sound like. The actual behavior, not just what you can excuse it into being.
And then you do what brings you back to your own reality. You go find yourself again.
He’s telling you he’s not ready. He doesn’t know when he will be.
These are his very clear terms. If you can’t live with them, he doesn’t want you to. He’s showing you the door and making sure you know how to use it if you can’t. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t do this anymore. If you can, then don’t question yourself, choose it.
But if you can’t, then don’t.
We were all made for so much more than a pretend kind of make-believe love story. And I know that includes you.
Don’t look ahead. Only look at today.
At just this very next step.
You’ll know more when you take it. And even more when you get to the next. And the next. Don’t let your fears of what if or what might be overtake you. You’ll know when you get there.
What you can live with, Julie. Your own terms.
What are they? It’s never too late to find them, to remember that you have them, too. Start there. Surprisingly, or maybe not so, it’s when we become clear ourselves of what they are that the answers we’re searching for find their way through.
Love,
Jane
Have you been here before, right where Julie is now? Share your thoughts with Julie in the comments. We can feel so alone when we’re going through it.
A Pretend Relationship....wow that one blind sided me! Totally sums up what I've been trying to put my finger on for over a month now. When he's with me he is the most loving man on the planet. I have never felt/ known love like this. He brings me flowers, calls me out of the blue just to tell me he loves me. We have plans for our future together. He bought me a horse! He trusts me with his personal information and to do his banking! He's generous and kind and thinks the world of me, at least that's how me makes me feel. Then about a month ago he started not showing up when he said he would. He'd leave me hanging for a day or two. Wouldn't answer or return my calls. But then he'll call and show up like it was no big deal. When I've done nothing but cry all weekend! WTH?? I've been angry and questioned him and he apologizes profusely, says he knows how it makes me feel and he's so so sorry. But then the following weekend or two ,does it again. I KNOW he is not cheating. I don't expect him to spend every waking moment with me. I don't blow up his phone all day, just the opposite, I pull back and suffer in silence. I'm starting to feel really stupid and I'm devastated. We are both in our late forties and should know better. Am I being too demanding of his time? Is it really ok for someone in a relationship to go MIA on the other person? Maybe I've just always been in unique relationships? Maybe this is the norm and I am clueless? I have no idea but this is torture!
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. xo
What I've learned over the years is this...a man who is serious and REALLY wants and respects you will NEVER leave you confused.
If you have to question it or guess, trust me when I tell you, it's already a bad situation.
A man who knows what and who he wants, never ever wants to leave room for another man to snatch up what he wants for himself.
Do you think a hunter will take his eye or attention off of his target? NO way! The same goes for men, who are also hunters.
Relationships are supposed to make you stronger as an individual, not weaker. If you end up making too many concessions in the beginning, what's left of you when this person gets tired and wants to do something else.
We women get so caught up in the whole "we have to have a man" thing that society has burned into our minds that we forget all that we are and neglect ourselves to have what we want to call love.
We want so badly to feel wanted, desired, and safe that we end up in situations that make us feel the total opposite...unwanted, not desired and insecure. Whyyyyy???
Ladies, stop ignoring that gnawing in your stomach. It's your intuition knocking. Listen to her! She's ALWAYS right. Not sometimes, not a few times out of the year, but ALWAYS.
Don't give up your sanity or happiness just to keep so called man in your life.
Cutting people is hard, but soooo necessary. If someone does not give you the love, time, care, respect you deserve, leave that situation ASAP and learn to give those things to YOURSELF.
Agreed. How to handle when we get so enmeshed in someone? It's over been over but continued for six years with emptiness. Problem here is he's my neighbor. We were together daily. But I did have the knot in my stomach for way too long. Trying to keep it civil. But i feel abused emotionally. It brought out stress and anxiety. And a lot of confusion.
"But i feel abused emotionally. It brought out stress and anxiety. And a lot of confusion."
My feelings exactly... It shouldn't be like that, should it?
"I’m not going to be responsible for your broken heart." That is so true Jane. That is what my ex was telling me when he told me he wanted to marry me but wasn't ready for marriage and knew he couldn't ask me to wait forever. He wanted to continue to get all the benefits of a relationship while absolving himself of any responsibility or commitment. It's a harsh truth but one a lot of us have to learn. Good luck Julie but please don't waste one more moment of your precious life on this man.
Exactly, Sallysue! Our work is to figure out why we're ok with this so we can begin to do something about it!
It's really quite amazing to me how many of us go through the same pain and suffering with the wrong person. It either grows or goes.
The criteria doesn't matter.. Same painful bottom line.
Six years of the same hurtful situation. Yes great moments but it turns almost into an addiction because I always come up empty.
Toxic and empty. It's sad actually. They do become pretending and that never works. Being in this situation makes it very difficult to envision the real thing...and as a huge loss to myself. Someone once said "losing the wrong person is actually a gain.. Not a loss."...but we do miss them. I'm really working very hard.. Reality sucks and the truth hurts. I'm moving on. Not easy.
It is sad, Rosey. For everyone. But the ones who recognize this are the only ones who can change it. Not easy - oh so true, but anything worth changing never comes as easy as we want it to. Be so proud of yourself for recognizing the need to move on in the first place!
Thank you Jane. You write so profoundly and beautifully.
I am going through something very similar, almost two years. This guy has been living in clutter - limbo land - since his wife left 5 years ago. Excuses not to move on including "not ready" and "paying my mum back the $165k she lent to pay off the ex so he can keep the house (more like a storage shed). Broke up with him a week ago yet again and he said and did nothing. His motto is "can't make plans". We broke up about 15 times and he always sneaks back in my life after a month. We have to be strong and love ourselves in order to move on and find respect and true love. Men like a constant challenge; not a doormat. I'm still learning at 48
5 years is a very long time to be with someone and now u might think to get to know someone new will be hard again but its not dear, the truth might hurt my dear but it is clear the guy is not interested and he thinks he is avoiding to break heart by keeping you in a loop to be the decider but that is going to slowly break you, so the best thing to do is to move on with your life , yes you want things to work out for the two of but you cant do that on your own , it is all about priorities if he is still interested he wont make excuses to be with you but he is not,Pretending everything is alright when is not is just delaying yourself from finding happiness again, stop blaming itself for things not working out, Ask yourself this, Am I happy? Is this the kind of relationship I want?
Great questions, Vanessa. Thank you for chiming in here. With the answers being the most telling of all.
Still learning - aren't we all, Cindy! You're so not alone. As for him, know that he'll stop sneaking back in when you no longer want him to. Until then, know that there's something more here for you.
For sure this guy does not take this relationship seriously. He is not even taking it seriously enough to formally break up with the girl. Why bother? It is so much less stressful and more convenient to just feed her with empty promises to keep her hooked. I've been there too a couple of times. I know this is going nowhere. If the guy tell you that he is too busy with other stuff to spend time with you it is just a polite way of telling you that you are not important enough. Of course, if some major event is happening he may be too stressed out and busy for a week or two, but that got to be something major and it has to get back to normal within at most a month. If it is taking longer then that it sure us time to tell him something like: " It is too bad you are not available. Give me a call when things get better, abd if I am free at that time we might get together again. Ciao for now and good luck." then go date other guys. Yep, life is too short to waste time waiting on somebody, who ismaking you wait far too long. Whatever his problems and excuses are, it is your life. Do not waste it on him. Just remember Madonna's song: "Time goes by so slowly for those, who wait. Those who run have all the fun. " So I think the message is clear. Wait for nobody. If they are making you wait longer then you want to -r un
'boyfriend of 5 years'? Your story is similar to my current relationship but I've been seeing this guy for about 2 years. I ask myself why I tolerate this "neglect". The truth is, I think it's because I don't really want to commit to a full-time permanent relationship. I am not interested in looking for a more committed relationship either. I like my independence. But I struggle with thoughts like, 'he seems more excited when old friends visit him'. But then I tell myself, 'well I also have fun with my family and other friends'. Julie - Maybe we 'allow' this kind of relationship because deep inside, that's all we truly want (even if only temporarily until we want something different?) I'm still trying to figure myself out. Good luck!
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Aly. It sounds like you're onto something here. Follow this line of thinking down to the root and you'll set yourself free. This is exactly why our own work is to find out what is we actually want, what we can actually live with, regardless of what we think we should want or what our culture, our family, our friends and all our programming might say we should want!
Julie needs to walk away. End of story. Sure it's better if she comes to this conclusion herself, but there's no point in sugarcoating it. He didn't. Put your big girl panties on and move on. He's putting you on layaway, because your store has that option.
"He's putting you on layaway, because your store has that option." - So true, Dazz. It always comes down to what we allow our terms to be.
Six months to the day when my "pretend relationship" vanished and as unsettling as it was at the time when I pierced the bubble (only to find that it was lacking any real commitment) I have to say it is rather nice to be back in control of my emotions once again and open once more to the possibility of love and connection with an EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE MAN this time. Walk away Julie you wont regret it. He will most likely not step up if you do but he certainly wont if you stay and accept this state of play. You deserve better. We all do. Believe in yourself.
Love how you put this, Paula - "when I pierced the bubble". Oh how true!