This letter is for you.
The you behind the email that says all you want is to get him back.
The you who writes that you’re in too deep to just let him go even though everyone around you, maybe even including your therapist, tells you it’s time.
The you who gives so many reasons that you can’t imagine living your life without him.
The you who can’t hear anything else that anyone says about the other side of this; you only know your heart is breaking now and he’s the only one who can put it back together. It doesn’t matter how he treats you or how much you know you deserve better.
Better isn’t him.
But without him in your life, how can anything be better?
It’s you I’m writing this for today.
Because in going through my inbox to select a letter for today’s post, I came across so many emails that were only comprised of a sentence or two. You may not have said enough to fill an entire blog post, but what you did said everything to me.
How do I get him back?
I can’t let go, even though everyone else tells me to.
I’m in too deep.
I love him even though he treats me bad.
How can I make him love me?
These are the words you can hardly dare to breathe. Just saying them makes it all that much more real.
And while your individual situations are all unique to you, the questions you’re asking are all the same.
How do you get someone back? How do you get someone to love you? How do you get someone to see that the grass isn’t greener anywhere else but with you? How do you change someone back to the way he used to be, to wind back the clock to the very beginning when everything was so good, before he got so distant?
You can’t change him, but you can change you.
And you can start doing something different right now with you. When you say these words, what you need - what this relationship needs if it’s going to have a chance at becoming something more – is space.
Regardless of what’s going on, we can’t think clearly, we can’t see him for who he is and ourselves for who we truly are and what we need, until we can emotionally detach enough to find that out.
That’s where the space comes in.
For him. For the relationship.
But most of all, for you.
I know this first part is the most difficult part of all, but it’s how we start to change any of this. It’s the only way to know for sure what you have, what you want, and what you can live with.
It’s the only way to know who he is, and what he has for you, and if you can live with the reality that actually is. Not the reality that you only want it to be, the one you try so hard to make it be.
How much space?
That depends on your specific circumstances, but you want it to be enough so you can see what he does with that space, so you can see clearly enough to know what you think about the amount of space that he shows you is clearly the kind of space he’s comfortable with.
I know this is going to feel so difficult at first, because it’s the exact opposite that you’re looking for from him.
More closeness, more togetherness, more of him, not less.
But whenever this happens, it means we missed the most important part in the beginning. But it’s not too late to turn it around.
Yes, you’re probably going to feel anxious. Space is anxiety provoking in most of us when we’re already so rejection-sensitive and feel our own abandonment triggers at the slightest hint of distance from him.
But this time is different because you’re the one doing this for you. Fill that space with your own beautiful life that’s waiting for you to notice it, with all the people and places and activities that speak to you, that have so much in common with you, that embrace you just for being you!
Don’t underestimate the power of this space, to change him, to change your relationship, and most of all to change you! This is how you see what’s there – and what isn’t.
Don’t fight it! Don’t be so afraid of this that you’re afraid to give it a try. You can do this!
It’s in allowing what’s meant to be to be – by his actions and what he does with the space, and by your response to what that looks like in reality – that you discover what you can live with, and what you can’t.
You discover a choice instead of no choice.
You discover a voice for yourself instead of silence.
And you discover what it means to do everything you truly can to find out what’s really there, and what’s not.
At the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Because if the two of you are truly compatible and truly meant to be together, you have to be able to live with the reality of who he is and who he may never be.
Can you do that?
If he’s worth it to you, you can. This is what is going to be revealed to you in that space if you allow it to be. It’s how we move past the fantasy to see if our dream can become reality.
Don’t be afraid to find out. It’s the answer to this that you really want to know!
Did this one resonate with you? I'd love to hear from you in the comments section. You're never alone in what you're going through.