What do you do when your relationship seems to be perfect, then suddenly he says those words that you hoped to never hear again? Our letter this week comes from one of our beautiful readers who just experienced exactly that.
She has asked to remain anonymous, so I've decided to call her "Shocked", as I'm sure just about all of us can relate to how she's feeling.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I hope you read this as I'm going to be as descriptive as possible.
I'm so confused.
I just met this guy about four months ago through some co-workers who are also his housemates. I am 23 and he is 29. I recently got out of a bad relationship which lasted a little over a year. He recently got out of a 3 year relationship a few months before he met me.
My co workers said he thought I was cute and everything but I had no interest. They left us alone and he asked to kiss me. I got so unusually nervous I didn't say anything an started laughing!
He kissed me anyway.
That night one thing led to another and well you know... afterwards I started laughing again and he asked why? We ended up talking about how weird it is to be with someone else after you're so used to someone else's body.
The next morning I wasn't sure what to do I thought it was a one time thing but we texted all day and I went over again we all hung out together and that's basically how it's been for the last three months!
I've met his parents. His sister and her husband. All of his friends.
Before I met his family I said it wasn't a good idea if he didn't see this going anywhere since every so often he would still talk about stories that included his ex. He expressed he wasn't ready for a relationship as did I.
I didn't want one either I knew we both just got out of things and it would just put more pressure on us.
He told me within the first month that it's crazy because he's never been like this with a girl and felt this way so fast and showed her off so quickly and that it was scaring him (his mom confirmed this) everything was literally going perfect.
We made dinner together, shopping together I'd help from his eyebrows and we were just weird together it felt so natural. I mean hell he even talked about marriage and kids and once even told me we should have a kid together!
Which of course I never really had much of a response other than my point of view as I didn't want to come off as the crazy girl talking about all this to quickly but then three weeks ago on a Tuesday morning he invited me to a wedding which was two in a half weeks away.
That Friday morning I bought my dress and that afternoon his texts became weird. He was walking about my question to meet for lunch.
I ended up going to his house after he got off work and after about 15 minutes he said "I think we should slow things down".
I instantly felt awkward and uncomfortable and he exclaimed how he's really bummed out and confused as to why he's feeling this way and that he's not happy with where is life is because he's almost 30 but that when he's with me he doesn't think of any of that and he said when he's not with me that he's miserable.
He said he talked to his friends about how he has the perfect girl in front of him and he feels stupid he doesn't know what he wants.
He still wanted me to go to the wedding. I said I had to think about it.
That following Tuesday I went over to talk to him and told him how it made me feel and that I just needed to know if he saw this going anywhere. He said he wanted to say yes but he wasn't sure (he's very upfront and forward which is not my excuse for him. He actually is.) He told me "I can seriously see myself with you" which is also told my coworker within the first month.
I asked if he wanted to be friends and he just looked at me all puppy eyed and said yes. He wouldn't stop texting me and I was so hurt I said I couldn't just be his friend and basically cut off contact.
I listened to our mutual friend that said that's a terrible idea. I opened that line of contact again.
We haven't talked about us (it's been almost three weeks since we've seen each other) but he still texts me.
He said he hoped my interview went well and was very excited I got the job he's telling me the steps he's making to make his business dream come true and he's thankful I'm excited for him etc. but being a woman I'm still here thinking so does he still like me? Was he scared?
I know he said he still needed time to grieve over his past relationship which upset me because I had talked to him about this before I met everyone and told him he needed to let me know if I should take a step back. He said no.
But up until that Friday when he said those 5 shocking words there was no sign at all. It was great...
So I guess my question FINALLY would be as before, does he still like me? Was he scared? Should I keep talking to him? Should I even ask to hang out?
The lot of questions I'm sure you can figure I'm thinking...
Jane, as long as this was I really need your advice. I don't want to say that I thought he was the one because I know that if it doesn't work out I'll still be happy either way.
I mean the first time I initially met him I thought he was so annoying. We laughed because neither of us thought that this was going to happen and that both of us would have so much in common.
I could see something special coming from this one and I just want to see if you can give anymore advice to me.
- Shocked
My Response:
Dear Shocked,
I chose your letter today because it hit so close to home. My home, that is.
And almost everything you’ve described here is very similar to my own story when I was right around your age. Except your story’s going to be different this time because I’m going to tell you everything I learned about what to do in this situation after the fact; everything that I wish someone had shared with me when I was still going through it.
First of all, let’s answer your questions.
Yes, he likes you. He still very much likes you.
Was he scared? Yes.
Is he still scared? Absolutely.
Does he want this to end? No, of course not. His actions and his words both line up to tell you that. But can he give you any guarantees? No, that’s the one thing he is sure about.
He doesn’t know and he can’t promise you the words, the plan that you’re asking him to.
See, what happened here is you caught him off guard. He's almost 30. He feels the cultural pressure that by now he should know where his life is going, he should know what he wants to do with his life, and he should be doing something about that in a way that the culture expects that to look like.
But he’s own his own person.
And probably a sensitive one at that. He feels that pressure. He takes on that expectation. And as he said, it makes him miserable.
But with you, everything’s different.
You give him hope. You make him feel lighter.
The weight of this pressure becomes so much more bearable with you in his life. He didn’t know. He couldn’t have known. That’s why he told you what he did.
That’s why he introduced you to his family even when you said you didn’t want to meet them unless there was a real reason to. He thought there was. And more importantly, he thought he was ready.
We’re not the only ones who can do oh so much for a feeling, Shocked. So can he.
Until he can’t anymore.
Until you bought your dress for the upcoming wedding that Friday morning when his texts became weird. He sensed what you were feeling even if you didn't say the words. He felt it, too.
And suddenly, in light of the event – a wedding, after all – everything came to a head. This was getting serious.
He knew you had been clear with him and he had been equally as clear with you. You both hadn’t wanted a relationship – or expected to find one in each other – but it happened.
He hadn’t been ready. And he thought you weren’t either.
But as long as you were keeping it light and funny on the surface, you could both laugh about it even as it was happening. Until he couldn’t keep it light anymore. Until he realized this was getting more serious and he was going to have to live up to his end of the bargain – the one where he doesn’t lead you on, doesn’t hurt you because after all, that would make him a terrible human being.
And that’s what he felt when he said those words to you, “We should slow things down”
So here’s my answer to your next questions:
Yes, you can talk to him. Yes, you can suggest hanging out. But most importantly of all, slow things down!
Way down.
You’re playing house with him. You’re sleeping with him. You’re acting like you’re already married to him.
Don’t beat yourself up about it – because I get it, I know – yes, he went along with this as much as you. But beginning today, back up. It’s only been 4 months. Three to four months is the most common time this happens.
Start today.
Get to know him better. Date him. Don’t be so quick to sleep with him.
Focus on going out on dates – group dates would be best. Get to know him as a friend. Get to know who he is. Allow him to get to know who you are. The more you get to know him, the more he gets to know you, the more you’ll know if he really is someone for you.
And you will know!
But don’t ask for promises he can’t make to you.
Here’s my caveat; if you need those promises from him, if you need those guarantees, then this isn’t the guy for you.
He can’t give you those right now. And he doesn’t know when, or even if, he’s going to be able to.
If you can’t stop yourself from putting all your eggs in one basket – him being the basket – then this isn’t the guy for you. Don’t waste your time if you simply have to know, if you can’t be like this with him and still be true to yourself.
Because pretending you can do this with him, when you can’t, only leads to resentment and more misery down the road. That’s a whole other post – and yes, I wrote that one already.
Will this work?
I don’t like the word “work”. Because how you define this "working" may actually be the opposite of what it means to actually work the way you would want it to if you could see into the future. And what may make you say “it didn’t work”, may actually be it working more beautifully than you could ever have imagined it too. But that’s another post, too.
You’ll know more in time. So much more.
Don’t stop living waiting for that time. Live your own beautiful life through this time. He’s going to do what works for him.
It’s up to you to do what works for you.
Love,
Jane
Hi again.
Now I am going to keep everyone updated of my situation.
Not much has happened. About two weeks ago I went over to his house to see my friends. They do have a seperate part of the house so he would have to go out of his way to get there. However, when they invited me over he was already there. We hugged, he complimented my hair and didn't talk much. Until he was in mid conversation with his friend and I was talking to mine about moving. He stopped mid sentence and said you're moving? I told him I'd be moving not to far away and my guy friend made a joke, he looked at me confused and I explained how the roommates are both guys. His face, you all should've seen it. He didn't say anything for a second and then made an "Oh I don't care joke." He got so awkward after that. And I hadn't talked to him up until a few days ago when i shot him a quit text about how I was glad he finally started to have time to go to the shop to learn more about motorcycles. Just a quick text which I ended it as soon as I texted it. He said thank you. And the next day he sent me a cute snapchat. Last night I saw him again at "his" house. He came out after I had gotten there and after he saw me. Again he commented on my hair *side note: I can now put it in a small ponytail 🙂
He wouldn't stop looking at me and I would just kind of glance back and forth unless he was talking specifically to me. He ended going in and checking on his dinner and I left shortly after. I told my boss how hard it is cause I just want to say "I like you. I. Like. You. STILL." She said another shocking thing to me. "Why don't you just tell him you still like him and break the ice." I couldn't believe that! I think it's more intimidating because he is older. I'm afraid to be that girl. I have been moving on. I've gone on two dates with two separate guys. Of course unknowingly thinking it was a friendly get together. Until things led south. It has of course kept my mind of things as well as my job does. I've thought multiple times of just asking him out for a drink after we get off work since we get off early and it wouldn't be like a date. I was thinking of saying "Hey, I'm anticipating a rough day, would you want to get a drink after work?" Of course on a Monday since that's when we both have the most work. I'm so out of my element with men. Especially when it's someone who made some a change in my life in such a short amount of time. I feel like it seems obvious that he still cares or likes me. But I'm getting tired of the games or mixed signals. I'm been playing it as cool as I possibly can and I'm proud of myself. But at the same time I'm 23 years old. As young as that may seem to some of you I'm not getting any younger and I feel like I don't have anything else to loose with him even if I did sit in front of him and say "Listen I still like you but I know it's not an option anymore but I don't want to loose a friend over this" and the way he retaliates would be my move to go forward and move on or go forward with us. Ladies please send advice to help. Hopefully saying this isn't a horrible idea.
I've heard many times that if a guy is into you no matter how scared he is, he won't run, he will stick around. I've heard many times that no matter how freaked out or scared he is, if he finds the right woman, he will do whatever it takes to be with her - he will NOT LET HER GO.
There was a sentence in the story : 'He said he talked to his friends about how he has the perfect girl in front of him..."
If he sees her PERFECT she's the right woman, isn't she? If a guy's life is much better and happier with a particular woman in it and his life is miserable without her then sorry but I don't understand what the question is? What else does he want? To me it means that she is THE ONE. If the fact that men always choose the right woman over their relationship fears is true then why is he hesitating? Can someone help???? Of course, I'm involved in a similar situation and I'm helpless, I have given him space, I have leaned back and I live my life to distract my attention but it's still so painful that all I can do now is letting him go. I think my main problem is that I can't really understand how can someone be scared of something that feels so good and perfect especially when the man I love has been lonely for a while and he should be happy when he finds someone special and "perfect". (He says I'm fantastic and amazing and that he has never let anyone so close to his heart BUT he is scared. To me it's a huge contradiction I can't understand.)
There's no one-size fits-all answer and specially not when every single human being on earth thinks, acts, and feels differently.
Don't hold on to absolute truths about men because there are none.
One of the many things I have learned from Jane is that we need to see reality for what it is, not what we think, hope, or want it to be.
If he's telling you he cannot be with you, believe him. That's all you need to do. I know how much it hurts when the person you love doesn't stick by you, but there's really nothing else to do and it really doesn't matter why he can't. What matters is you, your life and your terms. You can't change him, and whatever issue he has is about him, not you, therefore, he is responsible for fixing it.
I know this is probably not very encouraging, but I hope you get the clarity you need to make the best decisions for yourself.
Hello Jane
I'd like to tell about my story because I m really sad about it and I don't know what should I do ,
I know a guy for 3 years we had so much ups and down like all normal couples anyway it s been a week that something happened between us I told him a lie that I shouldn't told him about but it was a misunderstanding it wasn't a lie so he caught me up and he told me that I broke his heart he turned everything's on me while I was the one who fights to hold on into him after everything's he done he lied to me so many times but I forgave because I really love me now he stopped talking with me but he didn't tell that he break up I don't really know what to do he left me with all this trying to figure it out by myself I don't know whether he lefts me or he just mad for the fact that I lied to him I really want him and I don't want to break up with him I send him a message but he didn't reply please help me !
I reflected on things between us last night. I realized I was seeking his attention when his attention went elsewhere and when he didn't return my reaching for him in the way I thought he should have, I would give more. And in turn, pushed him away further. Making him doubt himself and capabibilty of bringing happiness into us. (long distance relationship). Of course his attention goes elsewhere, I am not the only thing in his universe that needs his attention, especially after the initial fireworks stage, things become relaxed in a relationship, right? My own scared feelings of abandonment. When I asked him initially about the distancing I was feeling he did share he thought things were ok, though hard for him with the distance and time between our visits.
So, with this reflecting, I emailed him a short note late last night, explaining this and that I was sorry for that, I felt silly about it, and I should have just spent more time on myself and things around me. I told him I cared about him and a few reasons why ( I feel that I left him feeling he couldn't make me happy, which wasn't true), told himtime I loved him, I will respect his need to take the time to find what he needed, I would wait as long as I could and that whatever happens, it will be ok. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not, I just needed to share my insight because I think he was feeling confused about this too.
Please help me. I met a man some weeks ago online we had an amazing first date. He contacted me the very next day and we set up to go out that weekend. We had the second date and it was a lovely afternoon, he said it was a great date and asked me if I was available in the next weekend after I was out of town. He said he would text me when he knew he was available. He never texted.
My heart broke a little bit, and I was really mean to myself about what I might have done. On the suggestion of a friend, I sent him an exit interview email. I was very surprised when he told me the reason why he hadn't contacted me was because he felt he was doing all the pursuing and had wanted to hear from me. Up until this point I have been very responsive to any contact from him, warm and loving and engaged. But I realize that maybe there has been a miscommunication and I asked about it. He agreed it was a miscommunication and we saw each other again.
The date was wonderful, in a spirit of trying to be more mutual, I sent him a text telling how perfect the night was. He responded in kind but did not ask me out, I have not heard from him since.
I feel lost and confused, and cannot tell if his original excuse was just that an excuse. He said he wanted something mutual, but then disappeared again.
I'm kicking myself for not contacting him while I was away, I'm beating myself up about the date. Maybe I was too direct, maybe I was too cheeky, maybe I wasn't refined enough. What happened?
Nothing. He's just not the one. You haven't done anything wrong. Stop blaming yourself for imaginary things. That was just an excuse on his part. He wasn't that interested and it's not your fault. You don't even know this guy. He might not be what you're looking for either.
Hi Sunflower, Oh my, I am sorry this has happened. My gut feeling is, you know how you feel, he knows how you feel, now it's time to take care of you. I personally would be aching to want to know why after the time and fun that has been shared. I hope others who are more confident in their wisdom chime in for you. I don't feel I am being much help. It's just a yucky achy hurtful process we go through when things go another way than we feel it would, or how we imagined.
Reach out to friends, do something that makes you feel good, at least to take you mind of things for a few minutes. It's so hard. I know. It is day one and I feel this roller coast of tears and missing him. Wanting to feel his arms around. I was trying to think of something to be angry about, and I can't, because I think I understand where he is coming from. It still hurts me, a lot and I am disappointed in myself for getting swept up so quickly. He is a special one for me and I love him and think we have a fun, playful, good energy together, can talk to one another, it feels natural and good and comfortable. I still do hope that the time apart, makes it more clear that we actually do want to figure out how to be with one another that works for both of us instead of not at all. It is hard to not call or text and difficult focus on other things not think.
It's hard and we will get through this. I feel your pain and thinking of you. It's nice to know we aren't alone and to learn something about ourselves too in the process.
Hello... I am 59 yrs old .. My now i guess ex is 64. We have been together 5 yrs. We have up until a month ago had the time of our lives!! We both had been cheated on in long term marriages and couldnt believe our good fortune of learning to laugh.. Understanding each other.. We love to travel.. And were always on the road in our motorhome we had bought together for our adventures. Perfect!! After 5 yrs and 4 weeks ago.. I suddenly blurted out that i wanted to be married and not just live together anymore..i had thought being married wasn't a big deal to me but i had started thinking i did want to be .. I am traditional in that way and raised my kids that way.. I had moved in with him because i had an accident and he said it would be easier to look after me.. And i ended up staying.. Anyway.. When it suddenly came out of my mouth he looked like he had been tazed... And i knew how i said it, it didnt come out right . But there it was. Without him even thinking he said no and honestly i was stunned... We have been with each others children and grandchildren, talked about being old together and had had such a fun, happy 5 yrs.. I just thought he would say yes. Well, suddenly i had to decide if it meant that much to me to be married i had to leave or disrespect my feelings and just keep on like we were. I chose to leave. He just said he "can't"...He never said wait a minute here and only came up with that he needs time to work on himself suddenly...It has been 5 wks.. I had sent a coupla emails basically letting him know i do love him, that i felt it was a matter if respect for me and our relationship. Today we actually talked and he was pretty cold. Is it too late to do no contact or at 5 wks gone does he even care about me anymore and what we had? I thought we were blessed at our ages to find such great companionship. I am heartbroken.. We didnt end on bad terms... I kept hoping when i was gone for a bit he would realize he really missed me... He never was a wordy guy anyway... But less so now... Thoughts? I appreciate reading everyones stories....
Boy I can relate to this!!! I had a similar experience...he started making suggestions and plans for a future but then suddenly at around 3 months (what is it about that timeline?) he suddenly backed off claiming he was afraid of getting hurt. I told him that until he was ready to be all in and had peace about it, we could only be friends. It broke my heart, but I had to guard my heart and future.
We are still friends and talk occasionally at church, but I end up crying all day because I miss him terribly...but he is still distant.
I am going to be more guarded at church...not going to the same service time, not spending a lot of time visiting with him afterwards, etc. Let him see me moving on and being busy making plans with friends. I have to stay dis-interested until (if ever) he deals with his fear issues.
But seriously...what is it about the 3 - 4 month mark?! Sheesh...to be honest, it makes me paranoid to start another relationship! Sheesh...and they say women are difficult to understand! At least we know how to be consistent in commitment!
D
I am so glad for you Shocked. I think understanding that we can't get over or under the hurt feelings, we have to go through the mourning process and honour those feelings for a time, and pick our heads up and carry on. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself and keeping options safely open with the man you care about.
Tonight, I start on a similiar journey, after I told him I needed to let him go, I couldn't continue doing what we were doing. Me not feeling I am getting what I need and want from him (he has pulled away, it was perfectly loving and playful and fun before) and he feeling for whatever reason, he cannot give all of himself like he feels he should want to. Mutually separated tonight. I am very upset, sad I don't have the man I thought I saw forever with, my friend for so many years, I adore his kids and the rest of his family. If we were meant to be will be. I cautiously hope this will be how our story ends. For now, I am doing my best to concentrate on my studies.
All the best Shocked, and come back and let us know how you are?
Thank you for choosing my entry. I appreciate everyone's insite very much. I have spoken to him since I entered in my story again we haven't talked about us but I have hope that keeping in contact and that he is reaching out to me is a good sign. I am taking longer to respond and trying not to go over to his house as much to hangout with our mutual friends. My new job is going great and I'm moving into a new place soon. It's getting easier but I still have hope. I know it was a short time but as I said there was something special. Thank you again for all your support and best of luck to all the other lovely ladies in similar positions
So glad, Shocked. Don't lose that hope. We have hope because it's such a beautiful part of us. Enjoy the job, enjoy your new place, enjoy everything you have. Of course there was something special or you wouldn't be feeling the way you do. With eyes wide open, you'll know. And in the meantime, you'll live your beautiful life out loud!
OMGosh Ihave just ended a year's relationship because my boyfriend couldn't decide and left me feeling in the way and always thinking if he was going to commit eventually or not and I had the feeling as though I was wasting my time but when I was with him sometimes he would make me feel as though it was all ok but sometimes he would confirm I was wasting my time, so I was in permanent turmoil.
I'm a lot older than you, shocked, 54 and he was 53. He'd never been married and I was for 26 years. Poles apart.
He sent me a text after I called time on the relationship and it was a sweet text and I could have just sent a sweet one back but I re-confirmed what I had told him the day before and kept my decision.
The last two days I don't know what has got me thinking about him. I've been thinking maybe I should text him, but no in my heart of hearts I know I made the right decision with ending it but had I been able to play it slow and been able to resist him in the bedroom maybe it would have been a different story. I put all my eggs in that one basket and kept hoping for a positive outcome. I keep going over all the nice things he said and did but the less nice bits outweigh the nice bits.
I've been out on a date this week and i've seen how guys who know what they want act and I like it. I've still got my last boyfriend on my mind but I like a guy who knows if they want commitment or that they have time and are willing to put their energy into an honest relationship. I'm going out to lunch with the new guy today and half of me wants to cancel but the other half is still intrigued because he's told me he wants a long term relationship with commitment, he knows!
This letter today has helped me yet again. I'm not going to cancel my lunch date and i'm not going to text my ex. I'm going to do what is best for me and follow my gut instinct.
I wish you all the best with your decision Shocked, I do empathise.
Suzyx
Enjoy yourself Suzy. 🙂 From outside looking in, take it slow and from what Jane has suggested, I think it is so true....while it is so hard, (I know this from personal experience) take things slow, don't get swept up by the fireworks and delicious moments, to see if actions are what he says they are. It feels completely unnatural not to go with those good loving feelings, I am still doing my best to understand that (?) I allowed myself to become swept up with this relationship and felt safer with him as I thought I had known him well, because I have known him for so long. 🙁
(I should clarify as well, I am a returning mature student, in my 40's he is a professional in his 40's as well. I share this, as if age has anything to do with this??? I'm not so sure anymore ) His children are still dependant and he is a wonderful supportive, involved Dad. It would have been nice to have him as a mentor for my children, though they are older. As girls, it would have been nice to have a supportive, caring man as I see him with his kids. My children are older and have spread their wings already. Hence the decision, I would be moving, there.
Similiar relationship happening here, tugging at my heart and my tummy. A friend, majority of 23 years, a long distant friend, and a love relationship developed 5 months ago. Aside from 3 weeks in the summer together, we have managed to spend a few days a month with one another. We talked about long term goals and he was first to say he thought we were special and worth the effort of a long distant relationship. I have cared about this person for so long, this just felt right. I suggested after I finished my education I would move to his location, once I found a start with my career and find a place of my own (feeling it would be best, we could really date one another and it would take the pressure off either of us....though I love being with him and I`m sure we would spend most time together anyway). Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago when he spent 5 days here....lovely 5 days, though I was busy too with exams. It was nice to have him in the same room, hear him breath, laugh, his voice. He said the same. (it was the first time for him to stay at my home) and he shared the same, how he loved being here with me and how comfortable and right it felt and how he hates to leave again, for us to separate *again*, he stated the morning of his departure. I understand, I get it, and I have accepted that this is our relationship for now, short term. (for another year). He arrives home and the next day during a conversation, he sounded down on the phone and when asked if he was ok, he sounded sad, he said he was and that he doesn`t like being apart and the long distance is getting hard for him. He doesn`t know if he is ready for a relationship like he thought was and while he feels he loves me and wants me and doesn`t ever want us to part when we are together, he feels he can`t give his all to me. Since then he has been on and off distance, witholding feelings, tone is different on the phone, he isn`t empathetic to my feelings at all it seems and while he seems distant he will say he knows how precious we are together and he just needs to suck it up for another year. He`s afraid of what if we go through this for the next year, I move out there and it doesn`t work. Pressure. I have attempted to talk about this again with him . I am starting to feel more sad than glad these days as I feel my texts and messages and things that are important to me (and use to seem important to him) are ignored and/or is responded to with a joke or sarcasm of some kind. I have let go in the sense of not initiating messages anymore and it seemed to allow him what he needed to express himself more openly, like he did before. He seems to check -out when I expressed a need for him, such as telling him I was feeling awful and sad about having to miss a flight to go out and see him due to exam schedule change,that I was sorry, I know how important this is to both of us, and especially since he has some stressors with divorce/finances etc... he never acknowledged my feelings, it went ignored, he said he didn't have time to deal with this the messages were abrupt. When I asked if he was upset with me or was it the situation or both, he said "it's not yourfault but it's too bad though". I said I was sorry, and his response was "I know". I understand he is feeling pressure from a few areas in his life. I understand he isn't all he wants to be right now, this still hurts...his change of caring ways about him with me, seems to be nearly gone. He goes from not knowing how he feels about us, to not wanting to let go because he "knows what our potential together is", "how precious we are". I don't know if I can do thison and off again anymore, though I love him and have cared for this person for so long. I don't know how to respond to his texts and took time out for just me last night, by wandering a book store with a coffee for a few hours. I don't know what to say,one moment I feel strong in that I don't want to do this anymore, and then the next, I think about him and his family who all live near me, who I adore, and not having them in my life at all. (though I feel I don't have much of this right now anyway)
I hear you, Tamara, especially the "tugging at my tummy" part. Know that you can't fix this for him. You can't take away the pressure, the sadness, the uncertainty, and everything else he feels. This is his own work to do. And only if he wants to. You can only do what you need to do for you. Find you more often. Whether at a book store with a coffee, or doing something else that speaks to you. Don't be afraid of feeling your own feelings. Take care of you. Listen to your heart, to your gut instincts; we always know more than we think we do. What do you need here? What can you live with? This is really about you, not him. When you become clear on you, you'll become more clear on him.
Thank you for responding Jane. I hear the needing to know what I can live with and what is ok with me. My boundaries that make me feel comfortable and happy and what I can live with that honours that. I think being aware of things that one can negotiate on, such that negotiating doesn't cause more stress or that niggle in the tummy is important. I am wanting to see where our relationship goes, I'm not asking for promises ( I think he feels I am and it scares him, to fail ). I just want an opportunity to explore the relationship with open hearts and minds. Plural... I feel I tend to lead with my heart with most of my decisions and an optimist, rarely going to the "what if it doesn't". I hear you in saying only he can do the work with his feelings of pressure, sadness, and whatever else is going on for him. I know this and I still miss him/us and our friendship. It is hard to not think about him.
Self care through this, I hear you. No contact, until he is ready to and only then will we/I see. Thank you for the videos. When I am feeling a little uncertain about myself and needing a little nudge one way or the other, I find myself going to them again and again. Thank you for sharing.
I'm on a rollercoaster. I thought I was doing a little better today, was feeling a little more confident and calmer during the day, while I was in classes and doing my best to focus on studying. Literally as soon as I walked through the door tonight, I am hit with this grief and sobbing. I care about him and hope he finds his peace. I know I need to find mine while going through this. I just know what our friendship was and how it felt to be together, I believe in us. Feeling sad I cannot do anything about this for "us", just for me. Feeling lost and grieving.
Hi jane this hapoened to me he was married for 25 years i was for 20 but i took your advice slowed it alright down now hes talking about if i got married again about building a house and living together gone from never marraying to plans everyday with us both the secret build his confidence , telk him you respect him tell your friends in front of him how kind and thoughtful he is make him feel special but omly if you want and love this guy this is the secret enjoy new beginnings x
So happy for you, Liza! Thank you for sharing your story. There's something to do this slowing it down, even if we don't get it the first time 🙂
I don't have any advice I have my own concerns my own questions I have a men 50 foot 1 years old and has decided he wants to women I am desperately in love with him my heart hurts everytime I think of him with her yet I can't seem to avoiding yet I can't seem to run away from him i distance myself thinking I'm going to be okay I'm trying to date other guys but I'm not happy I've focused totally on this man we were together year on again off again because of his ex that he keeps going back to I need help myself and how do I get over him how do I move on how do I finally say enough already I'm 45 and I feel like I'm in my twenties when I'm with him there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do and I've gave up a lot for him I gave him everything I had and he tells everybody wasn't my fault it was his and then turn you know everybody around and see that she just wants to use him but him meanwhile I didn't ask for much all I wanted was his time in his love I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel like I'm so confused see ya I don't have advice I have my own questions how do I fix this how do I fix me how do I find a way to move on when I don't feel like this is going to go anywhere but on the other note he makes a plane he still wants to be with me he makes it plain that he enjoys my company makes a plane you know he's confused himself
I see the problem being more about the fact that we don't ask for much, Patti. Of anything at all. When we expect more, when we adopt the mindset that we actually deserve more than we settle for, we start to change these long ingrained patterns we've gotten so used to holding on so tightly to. "But I don't ask for much" translates into "but I don't deserve much" in our own minds, in what we put out there, in what we expect to get back. And like so many things, it becomes the self-fulfilling prophecy we didn't even realize we fulfilled ourselves. Start asking for exactly what you need, Patti, and don't be ashamed of it. Put that out there, not to him, but to the world, and see what comes back. It may surprise you to discover just how powerful you really are. 🙂
I will say he's scared! Just be patience with him... He loves you and he's gonna come back for you
Thank you for adding to the conversation, BettyBaby. This is what I absolutely love about our community here!
I had a similiar situation and funny yes it occurred similiarly at three months. He came back around again about three four weeks later...
but truthfully maybe four more months passed and things progressed slowly to where I could feel more at ease with just trying to sit back and let things happen.
In my case though I just had myself at that peaceful point with what I wanted and things as they are... he kind of tossed in a x factor I suppose to ensure to himself he still was living his life, had his freedom... Etc...
In my case... Im just leaving it be for now and see what happens while I keep myself open to the fact that maybe hes not the one. I have learned here and just prior that this is not going to make me unhappy... Sad ...
Do I wish it were easier... Absolutely...
Would I just really enjoy having met the right one and we BOTH know it? Sure... But it certainly cant be right for just one... Nor just one absolutely feel yes... This works ...
I am going to enjoy my journey and see ultimately where it leads... I think I am headed to a good place in any case.
For you... Take it slow! You have nothing to lose in that.
It sounds like you really have met someone really very potentially special.
I wish you the best in this.
It sounds like you've found a balance that works for you, Christina. Living within the reality of what you know while balancing your own hopes and expectations for the future; a future that you have every say in. I think you're headed to a beautiful place! Thank you for sharing your story - and your process. When you've been here, you understand so well.
Girl...I hear you. But I think you should distance yourself. Don't answer texts so quickly, take a few days. Live your life! Date other people and DO YOU! If he's the right one or cares enough he will notice the distance and it will not make him happy. If you can, I think you should no contact him....but I know that's tough and given what you've both been through and early stages of this relationship maybe distancing, really distancing would be enough.
It sounds like you do, Luisa. Thank you for adding your insights to the conversation. It's in that space you give someone where you'll always find out what's really there - and what's not.
What a great reminder of how important it is to take things slow no matter how good everything feels at the time. Learning from the lesson and moving forward one step at a time. Take control and take it at your pace no matter how hard he tries to persuade you or convince you or how good it feels in the moment. 🙂
You've got this, Charlene! 🙂
I have been through the same thing - dated a guy for six months, then he was torn between establishing himself and between a future with me. I was the forever girl, wanting a fairy tale, but scared to death of letting someone in because I had been hurt before. This guy pulled the same thing, your amazing, I just dont know where I am going and I think we need to slow things down. Next thing I know he moved from Texas to California. We have been broken up 2.5 months now. First month of breakup, was texts and calls, just like it was a long distance relationship. Second month, was distant. We never went no contact, but it did go down to no texts, no facebook, just one brief phone call a week. I guess he could tell that I was trying to not be present for those. It wasnt until I accepted the fact, that even thought I loved him, it was time for me to move on, that it seemed like he wanted me more. Somehow, when I hung out with mutual friends, he only called when I was there. I would refuse to speak to him...so he tried three way calling me with his best friend. Then he started tagging me on facebook and posting things that made me remember memories. Then about two weeks ago, he started texting me multiple times and calling me. Last weekend, we talked for hours and he told me he loved me, he wants to committ to me, and would I be willing to give our relationship a second chance to see where it can go because he feels like we hve a once in a lifetime kindof love. I said yes. Hes in california right now and Im in Texas. Two days later California offered him a $10/hr raise. Yesterday he turned it down and requested to transfer back to Texas - with no guarantees of the same promotion and it could be a lateral move. Last night, he starts to freak out that he wants to give us a shot but he wants us to be on the same page that we can make promises when we dont know whats going to happen. All he can promise is to give us a chance. I am an optimist and I want to believe in the fairytale and this freaks him out - so he wants to make sure that I know he may or may not be able to give me the whole 9 yards because he is trying to get himself stable. To me, I don't know if hes being negative, second guessing himself or if hes changing his mind... all I know is that I love him, Im not asking for marriage or kids rightaway or even in next couple years, but I want to enter this the second time believing anything is possible. I told him if he has doubt or is unsure - take space and time and we can talk when he actually gets back to Texas. He says I am not understanding what hes telling me... and that I am quick to throw in the towel. He says he wants this but needs it to go at a normal pace instead of a whirlwind romance. My plan, to give him space. I know it cant go back to the way it was, too much has happened, but I hope it can be better than it was. I know I am scared that I am going to be hurt again, but I love him and I think its worth it even if it doesnt work out. You wont ever know unless your willing to make a leap of faith and put yourself out there.
Taking it slow is the only way to know, Kebtiger, and it sounds like you've discovered this for yourself. With eyes wide open and enough emotional detachment on your part until you see with actions as well as words that you can trust what he says, you will know soon enough whether you are both on the same page with what you want and what that looks like in terms of time for both of you. But as you say, unless you try, how will you know? That's where the part about knowing ourselves and what we can live with and what we can't comes in. Trust yourself. Trust what you see. Trust the reality instead of the optimism you may so want to feel. In time, you will know everything you need to know.
ladies stop wasting the pretty! If a scared or wasting your t
I dated a guy three years ago for a little less than a year and what happened was similar to what happened to you. We fell really hard for each other and almost immediately we were together non-stop and intensly wrapped up in each other's lives. he started pulling away from me after a few months and I felt like he was going to leave me. Instead of giving him space and letting him decide what he wanted, I pushed harder and kept getting upset with him which eventually led to the breakup. I was heartbroken beyond comprehension and thought I was going to die without him. We were separated for about two years- most of which we had almost no contact. We eventually became "friends" again and agreed to have dinner. After two years of not seeing each other it was as if nothing had changed between us. The truth was though, I had changed. I decided if we were going to get back together that I would let him lead the process and not push him to a commitment and see how things would happen naturally. It has been about six months now of taking things slow and we are so much happier and balanced. Instead of looking to the relationship to fill all of my wants and needs, I am taking responsibility for that. He seems to be committing on a much deeper level this time-through actions and not just words. The way he treats me is different-because I am accepting him where he is and how he is, he is going out of his way to do the same for me. I feel like he is the right person for me and the rest-the unknown future-will happen the way it is supposed to.
"Instead of looking to the relationship to fill all of my wants and needs, I am taking responsibility for that." - Beautifully said, Tracy. We've been so programmed to look to someone outside of ourselves to fill our own needs and make all our dreams come true, we don't even realize what we're doing to them, to ourselves, to our relationships. Thank you for sharing your story. You've so clearly got this, it's truly beautiful - and inspiring - to hear!
I truly understand the way she feels.
I was in a similar situation not ling ago. But the guy was 10 years older than me. But we hit it off after the first date. And five months in he started saying some of those same things, where he was scared to saying you know that famous line. It's not you it's me, to I don't know what I want. So yes ....shocked was what I was. But I pulled back and gave him his space. And went back to doing what I was doing hanging with friends and family. And he also contined to text very little I might add. And I replied jyst because I 5hought it was the polite thing to do. But that was it. Then I didn't hear from him for a while. Maybe a week and the bext thing I know he text me asked me and said have a wonderful day. Abd I said" you do the same" then he asked me over we talked and as we continue to talk things came out. But to make a long story short (sorry). But yes pull back give it time honey if it's ment to be it will happen. He just maybe trying 5o figure if he's ready for another serious relationship after coming from one. It doesn't matter how old you are or how long you've been together we all get confused about things. I wish you the best of luck shocked, but time will tell just dont stop living your life.
Thank you for sharing your own story here, Annie. So true that we can all be confused about different things at different stages and ages of our lives! What matters is whether these things bring us closer together, or push us farther away. In the end, the reality of what actually is always replaces the fantasy of what we so want it to be.