You want him to feel what you feel.
You want so badly for him to feel what you’re going through. You want him to feel the pain of your broken heart.
How could he do this to you? How could he be OK that he did what he did to you? You don’t see the role you played. You can’t. You can only look to him. After all, he did this to you, whatever this may happen to be.
He led you on. He promised so much. Until it all fell apart. Until he let you down.
You want him to feel your pain. You want him to experience what you’re going through.
If he could only feel it, you think, then somehow he would have to pay for what he’s put you through. After all, you only responded to what he came on so strong with in the beginning with you. While he did the worst thing he could have done.
He led you on. He kept you hanging on. And then he disappeared or distanced himself from you.
It’s not fair.
No, not at all.
But here’s the catch. It’s not fair only if you see it like this.
But how could you not? You could never have done what he did to you! But he did. So you’ve placed a judgement on him and made him bad. It lets you off the hook and allows you to feel better about it.
Except you don’t. In fact, isn’t it the exact opposite that’s true?
You feel horrible. You feel betrayed. You feel so helpless, and so victimized.
It all comes back to how he could possibly have done this to you. You gave so much. You overlooked so much. You worked so hard. You, you, you. It was all you.
But there’s an irony here that can be the turning point for you if you allow yourself to see something that we almost always miss. You see, the only reason you can judge him like this is because this is how you judge yourself.
It’s only because you hold yourself to such high standards that you hold him to those same standards, too.
You don’t allow for his humanness because you don’t allow for your own humanness. You can’t let him go because you can’t let yourself go. You can’t accept that it’s just two people on two different pages because that doesn’t place the blame where you so need it to – on him.
You try so hard to make him see, to make him feel your pain, to somehow get through to him so he can feel this pain too.
But when you can’t - and no, you can’t, because he isn’t capable of feeling like you do and that’s why it’s gone the way it has - you need some place for that blame to go so you turn it back on yourself.
If he can’t accept the blame because he couldn't care less and doesn’t feel anything, you’ll take that blame on yourself.
You’ll blame you.
But you can’t because that hurts too much, too. And it’s wrong. Because it’s about him, not you. Or so you convince yourself.
You see, you judge yourself so harshly. That’s why you can’t walk away, let him off the hook, move on without looking back.
And that’s why there’s only one thing that will change everything here; it’s called forgiveness.
Starting with you.
Self-forgiveness. Then, forgiveness for him.
You accept yourself in all your humanness. The little girl inside you that did the best she knew. You did the best you could at the time with what you knew then!
Can you see the little boy in him? I know how hard you want to keep judging him, keep making him wrong - especially after what he did to you. But what if seeing him in all his own humanness allows you to free yourself? What if releasing him from your judgement is the only way to release yourself?
No, it doesn’t absolve him of his responsibility. No, it doesn’t shift the blame from him to you. It takes it out of the equation and gives you your power back, your beautiful you!
What it does do is free you.
It changes everything.
Forgive yourself, forgive him, accept both of your humanness, and suddenly he loses all this power over you.
But I can’t, you say. He did me wrong.
I know all your reasons because this is where I was always stuck, too. Every part of you will resist this until you’ve tried everything else and have nothing left to try. And then, when we’re at the lowest place we’ve ever been, we give it all up.
And that’s when love finds us.
Self-love always finds us first. Right after we forgive ourselves – and him. Because without forgiving yourself, you can’t move on.
Forgiveness. Self-forgiveness. It’s the last thing you want to do. But it changes everything.
Dear Jane,
would you write an article about how to stop crazy behaviors in a relationship?
Once, a man told me that the person who wants to be seriously in your life , is in a huge disaster!
Because your don't have stable moods and it seems like you find peace in war, he meant that you always want struggles.
He is somewhat true, but i can't get myself out of it.
please show me some guidance.
Best
Parisa
For me forgiveness is not a problem but forgeting it is the problem, moving on after that its a challenge.
This article really, really helped me. Recently, I had gotten down and depressed and angry again. I put this article into practice and wrote a loooong letter to myself of why I am mad at myself... I realized I had so much anger at myself for allowing myself to be interested in someone who was not truly available or considerate of me. I was able to get all this anger out and now work on forgiving myself. It is truly the case that this guy showed me a picture of myself I didn't like... and that I am upset not primarily with him but with the self that I now see, the self that I allowed to be so deluded, the self that ignored all the warning signs that were there from day 1. What a very very helpful article. I am excited about how it is helping me move on in a deeper way.
So glad this helped you get to that place, Audrey, where you see so clearly what it is that's holding you back - so you can set yourself free! Everything opens up when we become open to seeing what's revealed in that mirror. Thank you for sharing - and inspiring us all.
I wanted to forgive , but how do you do that I've been with 1 man only for 26 years I met him when I was only 18 yrs old and he was 35 yrs old. I loved him but I am still trying to understand way this is happening to me after all I have done or giving him. I bring 6 Kids from his first marriage from the Philippines ages 3 to 12 to the USA, now they are all adults. Then from his affair in the Philippines I bring his son that he got from the affair to the USA. I given him my heart and soul and he just step on it like he never did love me he say he does but do show it. So confused do know what to do I truly do still love him with all my heart but I don't know if my heart can take it anymore. Please help me in forgiving him so I can either work on this marriage or move on.
What a great post, Jane! One of my favorites 🙂
I realized a few weeks ago that I couldn't keep blaming my ex for pretending to want a family with me for so long because in hindsight I pretended to be ok with his commitment to his job over me for so long. Once I realized this it was easy to forgive him because I forgave myself. We were both doing the same thing because we mirrored our own self-loathing. I truly believe you attract what you are; so if you're insecure and unforgiving of yourself you automatically find and choose the person that treats you the same. But once you recognize this, couple it with a positive attitude, invest in yourself, destroy your own personal "dam" and let love for yourself come rushing in... Life becomes so SO beautiful. The men or mistakes of the past don't matter anymore and more important things like self-respect and the men and good decisions of the future do!
Sending lots of love from costa rica,
Julie 🙂
Exactly, Julie! Love the analogy of "your own personal "dam"." It creates such a beautiful picture of the love rushing in and creating something so passionate, so real, so what we deserve once we see all the power we hold within ourselves. Thinking of you in Costa Rica - and so honored to be a part of your inspiring journey! 🙂
Forgiveness....yes Jane, a very realistic solution. No more fantasy or blame. Once forgivness begins, the wounds will begin to heal. Almost miraculously, new life will begin! Great advice for your beautiful ladies! ♡♡♡
And I will add a P.S.
Your blog has helped me tremendously to get unstuck, move out, and move on. THANK YOU!
You've described this process so eloquently, Suzie. Thank you for adding your insight to the conversation! And here's to you - unstuck, moving out, and moving on!! I'm so honored to be a part of this for you 🙂
Hi Dear Jane
Once again I feel this was written personally for me. I've just ended a relationship with someone last week. He made me believe he was going to give me the world and over the year we've been together he has not delivered. He holidayed twice without me. Didn't spend any holidays at all with me. Saw me as and when he chose to. He always hid his phone from me and refused to add me on Facebook and made his account private so that I could not see it. Yet he managed to convince me somehow that he was innocent! He messaged me yesterday and said he misses me and made it clear it was for one thing only. That made me feel a fool, it's almost like he was asking me for a booty call. After a year of a relationship. This made me feel angry and hurt. I blame myself for how this has turned out because I was always to much of a nice girl and always made my self available for him. I can't forgive myself or him at this moment but I hope in time I will be able to. Thank you Jane, reading your emails always give me hope that I will one day heal.
And you will, Kay. Waking up to the realization of what you really have - and what you don't - is the hardest part of all. It's so much easier when we can stay asleep, when we can live in denial or in our own fantasy. But there's so much more for you than this, and that's why this will all be worth it one day. That's why you're waking up; there's so much more to come and on some level, you know it too. You're worth it, Kay. Don't let what he can or can't see sit on you. Shake it off. Without him, you're free to be seen for all that you are, all that you have to offer, and all that you give from your beautiful heart!
Everyone deserves to be happy. We are all God's children. He doesn't play favorites. We are all handcrafted royalty!
Beautifully said, Su. Thank you.
I think I can, I am not there yet. I remember the Two of us, a girl and a boy, playing house... we played our roles, but were both believing that real home was elsewhere, where we have learned it to be long time ago. We were scared, not ready to make our own, our next home.
I do not blame anyone any more, but it still hurts, it is hard to let go: all the feelings, all the memories.... to accept that it was not enough to move on, to grow futher. To accept that you have to go more deeply, more trully, and first to yourself.
Thank you, Jane!
How we love to play house even when it is anything but home, SB. But oh how we can play on and on and on, believing something will somehow change if we just keep playing long enough. Thank you for sharing. "... and first to yourself." Exactly, SB. You decide what you keep, what you let go, what you hold onto and what you remember and when you are ready to go on from here. This is all on your time.
When things don't work out, yes it is painful and definitely want him to feel like he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him. And then you can think of it as a "gift" as Jane had mentioned it before. But this leads me to these questions:
How do you ask if you have a future together? talk about marriage? and after how many months of dating?
It's good to live in the now but I need to know sooner or later so I don't waste time on the wrong person.
Thanks
E
These are the conversations that will come up naturally with someone who's on the same page as you, Elisia. In getting to know each other better, in talking about your priorities, your dreams, your goals, the way you see your life, the things that make you happy, all these things will come up for you. You can always ask when you feel like you know each other well enough to be comfortable asking him directly, but it's so easy to give you an answer that doesn't mean anything. You won't waste time if you're not trying to make it what you want it to be. If you're watching, and observing him, the way he lives, the way he treats you, his priorities, the actions he takes. Be open to seeing what's actually there and not just what you want to see and you'll see everything you need to know. My concern is always that if you feel like you have to ask him, then he's the one setting the terms of the relationship. You set the terms. You decide when you need to know. Keep it light, let him know what you need, instead of deferring to when he might be ready. Change your mindset here, Elisia, to one where you're the one who's doing the choosing instead of looking to be chosen and he'll pick up on that change and see you differently, too. What a lucky guy to be able to have you even considering that he might just be the one for you!
BRAVO Jane!! I was not expecting this but I thank you!! I am in the process of forgiving...this has given the energy to keep moving forward....the hardest part is forgiving oneself. I have beat myself up for being so stupid...for allowing this to happen to me....etc. I transformed my thinking...it was not a mistake, it was a lesson. Now I can tell someone else that you can move on from a heartbreak, that you can find happiness again with someone else...you can become whole again...etc. I have forgiving him with by saying...but now I am in the process of forgiving him in my heart. I have my good days and then I have my bad days....but my good days are weighing out my bad days. Through this lesson I found my worth and who I was...Plus I have my power back!!! and he is somebody elses problems!!! GLORRRY!!
You've got this, RealDavis. Shift the focus off of him and onto you - the only place he exists is in your own mind. No mistakes - just the beautiful truths we couldn't otherwise discover without them. You're the one who's truly free!
You're right letting go is the hardest thing for me. My ex and I were still friends but now I have left even our friendship go because now he's with someone else and moving in with her to another state. It's killing me cause he was always there and I feel like I have no one now. I've lost my best friend of so many years a few years ago and I feel lost. He would call to see how I am but now nothing. Forgiveness is one thing I have to do for my self since I have so much regret. I keep blaming my self cause I'm hurting thinking if I would of just been there and stayed with him my life would be so much better.
We always think that, Christa, but it wouldn't have been. It only seems like that in our own minds without the context of what living like that would actually have been like for you. We always do what we do for a reason. That's the only way to look at regret. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time! If it could have been different, it would have been. It's time to forgive yourself and replace that guilt with compassion for yourself. Love always gives you a second chance if there's one worth having - remember that.
Women's emotions are crazy and complicated! It's nice to have some guidance and insight on how to go with the flow it makes a lot of different now the tables are turned and he pursues me
So glad you're experiencing this, Vanessa. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you've found this here!
I think this is one of your best posts.
It is so important to remember that we all have to take responsibility for our own behaviors. We saw the red flags and in many cases those flags are what attracted us to these men. We saw those hurting little boys - the ones that if we just loved and nurtured enough would turn into our perfect men - and when we couldn't fix them, we became angry and hurt and blamed ourselves, and then turned our anger on them and think of them as evil monsters (which some may be, but not most)
If you can step back and look at the situation realistically, you will be amazed at just how big a part you played in this whole thing. And once you realize it, you also realize you can change yourself, so you don't do it again and again and again.
I had an interesting talk with my father (the ultimate example of Mr. Unavailable - never home, cheated on my mom, judgemental when he was home, never allowed crying or displays of anger from his kids etc)
After 20 years of being in a rocky marriage with my stepmom, he told me he never should have left my mom. He said he always felt like something was missing from his life and he thought if he had my stepmom things would be wonderful. He then said that was just a fantasy and when he actually got who he thought would make him happy, he found out she was just human after all with many more issues than my mom ever had. He said he used to blame my mom for his unhappiness, but now he realizes it was his own problem, and he just blamed it on my mom. He regrets not trying harder and being a better husband. It was one of the best conversations I've had with him and it made me realize that these "jerks" are just as messed up as we "victims".
We need to stop playing the victim role (which is nice and safe and takes away all personal responsibility for the relationship failure), step up, work on fixing ourselves, and definitely forgive ourselves.
Wow, Deb, what a revealing conversation for you to have with you father! How beautiful that he was able to be so open with you and give you this rare insight into his life and his thoughts. Thank you for sharing, and for your kind words. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you. It may take a long time to get there, but when we can become even a little bit open to seeing ourselves and others like this, it changes so much of the world around us - and us, too.
Loved this response! What a great conversation you got to share with your dad.
i can relate alot to this i just went through a break up with my ex and i blame him alot but i then forgive him and noe we remand freinds!i believe in forgiveness no
So glad this resonated with you, Jamie. Thank you for sharing. How beautiful that you have found this to be so real for you!
Mmmmh Jane this is resonating with me in so many levels.....after breaking it off with my whatsapp boyfriend about a week ago, I find myself blaming Him or leading me on knowing very well that He is not ready for a relationship, how can someone who showed so much interest in my life and everything that I do turn up and say he is not ready? Why? Why did he chase me at the beginning of the relationship? Whereas he knows that eventually he will let it be all about a text relationship? I have so many unanswered questions right now and no matter how many times I asked him about his plans for me he never gave me straight answers or he would disappear for a while and then come back as of nothing happened, and in most cases I would be the one contacting him first because I would miss him and think that maybe I pushed him away by asking him questions, but now I realize that those were the signs, I chose to look beyond him because of the potential I saw in him.... Reading your article though has made me realize that I need to let go and focus on myself, even though part of me has that little hope that he might contact me and want to talk but part of me has to accept that, it might not happen..
Thank you once more for your wonderful article.
You're so right, Lolly - those were the warning signs! But when there's that potential, oh how we're always the first to understand or excuse them away! It's not personal, it's just where he was - and it showed where you are, too. You know what to look for now, you know what's so easy to overlook, and you can also know for sure that if he does get on the same page as you, you'll be the first to know.
Hi Jane
I wrote to you about a year ago with the heartache of a man who I had invested 5 years of my blood sweat and tears with. He kept putting his adult children or anyone ahead of me, the constant deceit and finding him chatting to other women on dating sites, the one night stand, the emotional betrayal on some of his messages to these women, allowing his children no respect towards me the list is endless. Well I left him he chose his 27 year old son and his needs over mine so I finally had the courage to leave. Fast forward a year of finally feeling ok and having my own little place and actually making friends, he came into my life again. He was attentive, determined, flew back and forward and each time I saw different well I convinced myself I did, after a year I flew over to him and he took me away to a lovely hotel for the weekend that's when he proposed to me and guess what I said yes!!! I agreed to leave my unit, my job, my friends all that I had worked so hard to achieve but I believed him. My own children were devastated but they in time thought mum is finally happy they supported me. Forward 5 months we were married, problems from his adult children on the day, they showed their dad support but behind the scenes a lot of manipulation and trying to control my day, that was the start of the downward spiral. After returning from our honeymoon the problems started only little things at first and I tried talking to him about it and what was actually happening. I had no respect, game playing from his children, they basically ignored my existence and I tried so hard to talk with my new husband why he was allowing them to do this. His reaction was very defensive, he would swear, shout put downs to me in front of them, I was told very crudely to leave only after 2 weeks of marriage... He would ignore me for days give me the silent treatment then when he decided to talk to me it was they are his children and they're not going anywhere and if they want to stay with him forever they can, I was told this is their home and I joined them I should make more effort. All this was said in anger and very loud in front of them do they thought my dad has no respect for her why should we? After 4 months nothing changed and I despised myself and my weakness for leaving my life before and believing him enough to give it up for this!!! After shouting and verbally abiding me for hours he packed my suitcase and said you have to leave in the morning. I had nowhere to go, no friends and very little money but I found s cheap motel ... The next day my tax return came through I got a room to rent and there was enough for a very cheap car do I could return to work. I cried in disbelief for days I couldn't comprehend what had happened and I was supposed to be a newly wed? His grown adult children where happy I had left and his full attention was back on them. I am feeling very alone, hurt and emotionally and mentally battered, I blame myself and my weakness and hunger to be accepted and loved I broke free for him before and I was doing well but I've sent myself back 2 years, I've lost friends etc and the respect from my own children with all of this. Now after a month of being away from him he's sending me messages of how he failed me and how he put his own needs and his kids needs etc before me and our marriage. He wants me back and says he's determined to fix us but the more he txts me telling me all his feelings etc he gets upset I don't respond to what he wants to hear... He agreed his kids behaved badly and he allowed it to happen but on the same breath makes excuses for them. He says I have to be completely committed to fixing the marriage too or it's not going to work. One minute I'm bombarded with how much he loves and misses me and because I don't reply with the same I then get bombarded with pages and pages of all my faults and that his kids and himself wouldn't react to me the way they did if I had tried harder...then the txts start again if he's sorry he just got angry because he doesn't know what more he can do to convince me... I do blame me and my weakness for coming back to a situation so toxic and j married this man. I'm so lost I can't get past my guilt and I can't forgive myself ...
Please help please ....Sandy
Oh Sandy. My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you ignored the red flags this man showed you from the beginning.
Just know that you can get yourself out of this terrible place. This isn't a man who can add to your life. You've already seen his terms and found out it's not what you want and deserve.
Trust yourself to know that you can always do what is best for you and your children.
Go to your family, surround yourself with people who love and support you and little by little you'll take your life back.
Get some counseling for yourself, to help you put together the pieces so you can see all there is to see in you that you haven't seen.
You're not alone. God is always watching and walking with you. You're blessed and loved. You can get through this, even without a man.
Much love to you. Sending you a big hug.
There's a little girl in your heart of hearts, Sandy, who believes in the most beautiful kind of love. The kind of love that conquers all, that moves mountain, but most of all changes people. It would be your most beautiful asset - and it is! - were it not for one thing; it hurts you. Oh how it hurts you. Because when you have this kind of belief, you believe all kinds of things he says. You believe what he tells you, you err on the side of believing he means what he's telling you, to the detriment of your beautiful you. But there's nothing wrong with you! This isn't a defect. With the right person who's on the same page as you and wants what you want with you, you will feel the beauty of this. And it will back to you more than you could ever imagine, Sandy. But first, you have to accept yourself for the beautiful human you are. To accept and forgive yourself for believing it could be different this time. It could have been, but it had to come from him and it didn't. Take back your own power by accepting this is all he's capable of. His adult children will always come first. He will always miss you and want a second chance - on his terms. And when you don't respond or when you stand up for yourself - when you say or do anything that isn't on his terms, you're going to see this other side of him that is every bit as much real as the other side he shows you.
There's something here for you to see, Sandy. That's why these opportunities for growth come back around again. There's something about boundaries, about self-worth, about self-respect, and about what you really believe about love that are all coming up for you to show you. Get down to the basics. What do you need? Take care of yourself and those basic needs right now. Don't respond to him until you're feeling much stronger. Have compassion for that little girl inside. She's been through so much. And then surround yourself with the people who understand, who've stood by you, who still love you. They're the ones that matter. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. There's so much more to your story than this. Find that hope. In you, not in anyone else. Your role is never to change anyone, it's to love yourself enough to be unapologetically you!
I cry my heart breaks but with joy that you beautiful ladies found the precious time to read my comment and to respond. Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Jane I've already seen the nasty side to this man when I don't agree, it's happened this morning through a txt message. He says all the right things but when I don't jump the real personality comes out, a txt with he needs more commitment from me and I have to stop pointing the finger at his adult children and then he will be the husband I want!!!
I want to know how to get in touch with who I am and to start forgiving myself, I'm afraid of going forward carrying this situation around like a corpse...thank you thank you ladies
You won't "carry this situation around like a corpse" if you take back your own beautiful power and refuse to let this - or anything else - define you. Find the ones who love and accept you just as you are, Sandy, and you won't need to carry this with you to support a story that only exists when we need it to. You're the one who's truly free for being able to choose to see what you see.
Sandy, my mouth hung open as I read this! I am so very sorry for what you went through and wish I could give you a hug. I understand this situation more than most women because I lived it.
My 9-1/2 year relationship just ended last week, although it was on-again, off-again for the last 2 years. Many, many issues, one of the biggest being his strategic relationship with his children (all adults now). Three of the five of them live with him. I came to believe he kept it that way so he could have political camps. He pitted all 3 against me whenever he didn't like something I did or said. There were no boundaries in his house. I was supposed to move in with him over 2 years ago, but I wasn't comfortable with the way his kids were so disrespectful and cold to me and screamed at their father, and had fits of rage. He begged me to move in and told me my influence on the household was exactly the thing that would help (really????).
I held my ground for about a year and then did something I thought was very smart. I told him the only way I would consider moving in was if my terms were met. (I have never talked "terms" with a significant other before, so I was really proud.) I said, "I will move in on these 3 conditions. 1) No political camps (meaning do not involve your children in our business, our arguments, our decisions, etc.) 2) We are a united front (kind of similar to #1, but I wanted to make sure he understood how serious I was!) 3) Uphold my boundaries and I'll uphold everyone else's (b/c prior to that his kids could walk right into the master bathroom to get something they needed - without even knocking!)
When I told him all of this, I honestly expected him to say, "That's ridiculous!" and I was kind of hoping he would because deep down, I knew I couldn't live in that house. I went into shock when he said, "I agree - you have my promise." I moved in shortly thereafter. Within 6 weeks, I packed everything and ran for the hills while he was at work. I can't even begin to tell you all the crap that went on in 6 weeks. (but I'll share some of it, maybe it will make you feel better!) His daughter who had just graduated insisted I stole her graduation pictures. He believed her. His son, a community college student, left notes around the house demanding people do chores and made it look like I wrote them. He believed him. I was completely sabotaged and he didn't even give me the benefit of my side of the story. That's when I stopped blaming the kids for the crap that went on and realized it was all a strategy. He needed those kids there, because allies are extremely important to him, especially when his ego wasn't being stroked by me. So he basically used them as weapons against me.
I have a son who is a sage, beautiful human being who couldn't stand those kids, because they snubbed him like the snubbed me. That's why we never merged families. It wasn't until my son graduated college and moved to Florida that I considered moving in with this man. I can't tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleeping realizing what I did to my son in carrying on that relationship for all those years and living 2 lives. 1 with my son, and 1 with my (now) ex, and trying to keep everyone happy.
And believe it or not, after I left there, we slowly came back together to try again. I never moved back in of course, but would stay over night every so often. It finally fizzled out and he found someone else now. I cried buckets over that thinking of all the crap I put up with while his kids were still young and now that they are adults, he finds someone else. But guess what? It doesn't matter, because he will never change and even if they all lived on their own, he would rally them around as soon as he and i would have a problem. He did it with his friends, he did it with his parents, siblings, everyone. He smeared my name.
He had me believing I was no good. I was not lovable. I had issues. I was hard to get along with. I was tough on his kids. He never saw the story through my eyes, not even once and shut me down if I tried to explain myself ... yet I absorbed everything he said and started to wonder if he was right, and ended up apologizing over and over after I moved out saying yes, I should have "tried harder".
It was early this morning that I had a major breakthrough. I realized that he never really loved me (in the true sense of love). And as hard as that sounds, it was LIBERATING. I would rather live knowing that he doesn't have the capacity to love, than to go around wondering why I'm not lovable! Do you see the difference? I am lovable! And I do love myself! There's nothing wrong with my self image. He was the one with the low self-esteem and he projected it on to me and made me think I was an emotional basket case with low-self esteem and that I didn't love myself so I attacked everyone else. When the truth was, he didn't love me because he doesn't have the capacity to. And that was HIS problem, and had nothing to do with me! He won't be able to love the new woman either, and I'm quite sure he didn't love his ex-wife. And with the inappropriate way he interacts with his kids, its obvious he doesn't love them either! He said "I love you" all the time, more than any man I was ever with. I always wondered why those words only served to confused me when he said them. Because he didn't walk the talk! I was his long term booty call and that's about it.
Today is the first day that I have come to understand this and I have not cried a tear all day, or longed for him. I know the day will come when I can forgive him. Right now I'm just basking in this new awakening that it was his problem he couldn't love a woman as great as me. Not MY problem. And I'm thrilled that he is in another relationship because it closed the door for us for good. God help her though!!
Interestingly, I have wondered what would happen if he suddenly had this epiphany and came back to me in a few months, a year, 2 years... If the current woman walks out quicker than I did, I gather he will come running back to the one that put up with him the longest (me.) And Sandy, that's why your story meant the world to me, because it confirmed what I already believe. That they can't change no matter what they say. But don't be hard on yourself. You are such a loving woman that you saw the potential in him to change. You gave him another chance, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing. Your children will understand that someday if they don't now. It is a loving person that overlooks the harm someone does her and gives them another chance. But I say this for both of us. Give YOU the chance you give others. Love YOU because you are so lovable. Thank you for sharing this - I'm here for you, I've walked a very similar road. xoxo
Jane, just want to say thanks for giving me a place to hang out on a Friday night! This is much more fun than crying! I love this supportive sisterhood! You rock girlfriend!
My pleasure, Lynette. I'm so glad you're here and feeling the support of this beautiful community!
on the 19th June 2015 this year, i had enough of my last ex because i couldn't put up with the smoking and and attitude. on that day i met someone new n my ex thought that i was cheating on him and lying to him, at first he asked to have a coffee that week n i kept saying maybe, then i kept a secret to myself saying i met someone else, it was like seeing someone new was like the sign ready to move on. he rings me up over the phone n saying in angry way "you lied to me" and i said "no i never lied" and he said i have a attitude n i said "your the one who's got an attitude" and so i decided to end it n told him i'm ending it coz i couldn't put up with his smoking n behaviour. i didn't say i hate him. he didn't like the way i kept my standards high
he wanted different things from me. i wanted no kids n he did n dreamt of being a dad. he was the 1 that told to turn on my mobile data n i said no,i'm using free wifi to save data, he would use data to send me txts. he was 22 when i met him last year n now he's 23 n i'm 27 and he was serious about moving in, going on holidays, hotels etc, i wasn't even ready etc. there was times between 2 Dec 2014 - 19 June 2015 where he said he was busy with work n health funds and family n never told me to go out there n make new friends
i told a friend in common from school who knows me for a long time n knows my ex for a long time in going to the same school n the friend in common n my ex used to work together at a KFC joint. the friend i had in common told me about it. my family n friends told me if u the 1 ending it, you did it for the best, that day my ex unfriended me on facebook n on the phone i said i can still be friends then he said "no i don't wanna be friends" in a angry manner. then he said in the end he wanted a coffee to break it off. so then he said me n him will talk in a few months time. i even told him i wanted to meet up with some of my old friends who are men which i haven't seen for 2 - 5 years n he wouldn't let me
if i was still with my ex he would try n tell the others to stay away from me, still try n organise arangements n would've hated him smoking n say quit smoking or else i would dump him. these days he is still friends with my other friends who are men like him. 1 friend showed me a group convo (all 3 men in 1 convo called chat line) and my ex had said that i lied to him and i thought i haven't even contacted him n he is the 1 lying. i knew he wasn't the right 1 for me n i'm never dating a smoker n swearer again.
i'm thinking i'm never ever going back to him if he still smokes on what causes it, and if he quits smoking i may think about it but be friends first n stick to good friends.
i know there are 2 nice guys i can juggle on which is the guy i like from gardening organised by the community who's such a gentleman who's 32/33 and then there is my crush who's 28. i kinda thinking either 1 could be the right 1 for me. i get shy talking to the guys i really like but i'm friends with both of them in the real world. With those 2 i might make 1 a best friend n 1 who's my next bf.
A smile can do wonders for letting someone know you're interested in them, Courtney, while you can see from a distance if they approach you or hang back. You're always doing the choosing - but let them show you more about themselves and give you time to get to know them well first before deciding whether someone is right for you. Someone who's motivated - and on the same page as you - will always make sure you know!
I just wanted to say thank you for your program, I've only just started it in the last month or so and its opened my eyes already. I'm learning all kinds of things that I never knew especially about myself and I hope this will stop me making the wrong choices over and over again. I always seem to end up alone and falling for the same kind of guy.
I put my foot down with my ex recently thanks to your program and emails and for the first time in years I feel in control. I have lost him but as sad as I am I feel maybe there's someone out there for me who will love me like I want to be loved. Your recent email to me about us women are the choosers was very enlightening, I think for a long time I've been waiting for someone to pick me, it's time to change that.
I also agree with forgiving especially yourself, I think us women are far too hard on ourselves, I know I am!
I couldn't agree more!
You're so welcome, Katrina. So glad to hear you've started my program and begun the process to find your way back to you! We are always in control - but it's only when we realize this for ourselves that we can start living like we are. Looking forward to hearing more - and "meeting" you on our call at the end of the program! 🙂