There is something he needs from you. More than anything else you might think he wants from you, if he could express in so many words what he needs, it would be these.
He needs you to recognize him for who he is, and not who you want him to be.
He needs you to accept him for who that is – the only person that he can be: himself.
He needs you to see him as his own person, and not someone you project on him.
He needs you to understand that he's not going to change.
He needs you to know he can't always be what you want him to be.
He needs you to know he can't live up to anyone else's potential for him. He can only live within his own.
He needs you to remember that there will always be a little boy inside him, apart from whatever image he projects on the outside.
He needs to be loved for who he is, not for who you want him to be.
Then, and only then, after you've accepted all of these things about him, he needs you to make your own decision, instead of looking to him.
If you can live with who he is, if you can accept his terms, if you can stop trying to change him, if you can stop trying to control him and simply allow him to be, then this is where you meet him. It can't be up to him.
It has to be up to you.
You have to choose him. He knows if you're faking it, if you can't do it, if you're only fooling yourself that you can.
He senses your truth.
He picks up on it. Because it's all in your energy. Your unspoken words. How can he not? No matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know it too!
You know you can never be happy settling for someone who's not on your page. You know you have so much love in your heart, you could never EVER be content receiving so little in return. But if you don't know this, if you don't know for sure where you stand, that's the part he most needs you to figure out.
Are you in?
Or are you only pretending to be?
He can tell the difference, even if you can't. He can't feel good about you – and your relationship – if you're only pretending this is working for you.
He needs you to stand up on your own beautiful two feet and tell him what you can live with – and what you can't. It doesn't matter if you can't say it, or don't want to. He already knows it by how you are.
You say you want him. You say you love him. But wanting someone and loving someone means wanting and loving him. If it's only his potential and not him, if it's only the side he shows you sometimes and not all of him, he sees right through this and needs you to be honest with yourself- and him.
If you don't value yourself enough to find this out, he won't either.
If you don't consider yourself worthy enough a prize to hold out for what you actually want, he won't either.
If you don't show him with your words and actions that you mean what you say and won't accept anything less, he won't know what to believe.
Don't ever doubt that you don't have a say in all of this; oh how you do!
Show up, find out, get clear yourself. It's what he needs most from you.
Hi Jane, I am a 43 yr old woman who started a sexually relationship with a 23 yr old man. I was not fully vested, because of our age difference, but he made me feel so relaxed,comfortable and carefree. We attended the same school and spent every minute of every day together for 3 mths, most days he stayed with me. We texted sweet nothings back and forth on the 1/2 days we were apart, we were inseparable, more so after i suffered a miscarriage. I was the only woman he ever took home to meet his family and his parents who are pastors. Then out of the blue, he started to get distant, the texts decreased and the calls went from 10 times a day, to once a day to every 2 days. He confessed that he slept with someone else and he was very apologetic and things went back to the way it was but it /I was never the same. I became self conscious and untrusting, and very sad. He says he loves me, but doesn't want a relationship yet still takes me around his family. When he does see me, he doesn't want to leave, but when he leaves I don't hear from him. I am confused, and emotional. Was I wrong for being with someone his age, where did I go wrong?
You haven't done anything wrong. You simply had an experience that, like all of our experiences, has something to teach you. What can you learn from this? What have you discovered about yourself? Do some objective thinking and write it down.
I could maybe give a few ideas, but ultimately your life is yours, you're the only one who understands and sees what goes on inside you and who knows what is best for you, not just short-term but also in the long run.
I'd say dating a man in his early 20s and expecting him to commit to a woman who has a more established, lived life is a bit unrealistic. What kind of future could he offer you? Could he settle down at this age? Of course not. Put yourself in his shoes for a second and I bet you'll understand much much more. What didn't you know at 23 that you do now? See? It's a long time. Now, start thinking about yourself, your life, who you are, what you want and need and what you don't. Take inventory and start acting in ways that are congruent with your deepest desires.
I know life can get tricky, life can be very lonely at times. I should know. But you need to start living your life according to your goals. Take things as they come and enjoy the present, but keep an eye on the prize. If what you want is a man who can give you more stability, support and who can understand you, then start going for men around your age or a bit older or just a couple years younger. But don't start any sort of relationship with such a young man. Remember that men mature much much later than women do.
Our life turns out one way or the other depending on the choices we make. You can get asked out by younger men, but your choices will determine your outcome. The world can do as it may, but it's up to you what you allow.
Remember that, you choose, too.
Good luck.
Hi Jane, I broke up with my ex because I felt that I was in love with his potential. But now, 7 months on, I am still doubting my decision. We didn't have much contact since then but I still miss him... Did I make a wrong decision? He might have moved on, but I am still stuck in this...
Don't doubt it, An. Living in the past with doubt about what we could have done differently only leaves us stuck there and not living in the present and seeing all the exciting opportunities NOW holds. If you want to see if it's different, go back once in your mind and imagine yourself living with him the way he was, the way he still is. Is it really him you're missing? Or is it the loss of the belief in the potential that might still be? Trust yourself, and if you don't, find out why you don't. What you're feeling is so much more about you than it is about him.
I totally agree with you Jane. The "knowing what you want part" is kind of confusing to me. What if the only time i know what i want is when i'm like 40 years and can't have a kid. It scares me that at age 26 i still don't seem to know what exactly what i want. People my age who i went to school with, and all my friends are married and settled down, or married with kids and i can't even keep a man. It makes me retreat and while i enjoy being alone it's mostly because i turned off at the idea of being in a relationship. I am a love machine (i once heard someone in my favorite show call her sister this) and i date and i cry but i never give up as i just try again. Now i am so exhausted from finding the one i shy away but reading this post i understand that i do indeed not know what i want out of a relationship besides good sex and friendship. But that's not all that makes a great relationship i know that so i am back to being a bit scared and feel as if i would be better off being single for the rest of my life. It sounds silly i know but i am so turned off of dating that being single is sort of a blessing to me.
Shinelle, What you are saying about being scared and wanting to withdraw makes perfect sense. What will make the difference is feeling the fear but still doing it anyway. He won't come into your bedroom and find you! But take the meeting HIM totally out of the equation. Take the pressure off yourself.Thats where l am at the moment l don't want to meet someone but l want to spend time with others to get to know what l want in a partner and gain my confidence back and build my self esteem. Spend more time focused on you and being happy. Join clubs and do things where you will enjoy the company of others with similar interests. Smile smile smile. Its amazing how much more confident you feel or seem to look not matter how you feel inside. Breath and maintain your composure. Strike up conversations and work on your communication skills and hone in on body language and non verbal communication, people watch. Look at it as a self improvement mission rather than a find your mate mission.Journal your experiences and write out or print of affirmations that work for you. I hope this helps. sometimes we just need to change the focus to us and we draw in the perfect partner when we least expect it as we are totally absorbed loving life which.I hope this helps. Kind Regards Dandy
This is....wow. Great great advice. Thank you for this. I needed this push today. I agree with what you're saying. I do need to get out and i should probably force myself out of the house once in a while to do things i want to do instead of waiting for life to find me. Your advice helps alot. Thanks Dandy
Beautifully said, Dandy. Thank you for sharing from this place you're discovering for yourself; I couldn't agree more!
I so hear you, Shinelle. Know that you're not alone; it takes time to peel away the layers of what everyone else wants you to be - or chooses for you by what they reinforce in you - to discover the real you. And as for dating, I have a post about exactly this topic - with all our programming, it's no wonder we're missing the whole point of dating. I hope these help!
I feel like Janes post is me to a T. I've been dating a man off and on for 4-1/2 years and it's been a day by day friend zone situation all the way through. We have no hopes or dreams or any plans as a couple, we just talk everyday and catch up and see each other. We help each other out doing things for each other when needed but he's not invested in anyway. It's purely become a comfort zone situation. I know couples that have climbed mountains in the time we've been seeing each other, we are still at point A! He's never bought up building a future together or never makes real plans for anything, he's just happy day by day.
Anna, my relationship went on far too long, a couple of years too long. It wasn't until lt was over that I realised what a disservice l had done myself. But l am forgiving myself and moving forward.We can only do the best at the time given the knowledge we have. Given the knowledge you have gained here you know what to do. Its time to start the next chapter of your life. It won't always be easy. It is scary and it will be sad to let go but are you happy now? are you fulfilled? are you treated well and loved? Do you want to be?Break free and learn to love yourself. The rest of the good stuff will follow. Don't waste anymore time on someone who doesn't see and appreciate you fully. You deserve so much more beautiful lady.
I'm so glad this post resonated with you, Anna. From what you're describing here, you have to ask yourself if you really can accept your differences, Anna. If he's "just happy day by day", and you need those "hopes and dreams and plans as a couple", can you live with these differences? There's nothing wrong with what either of you want, it's just the question of how compatible you are in these areas - in these differences - that needs to be answered.
Thank you Dandy and Jane for your input. I need to find the courage to let go and move on and see what the next chapter in life brings! I feel that I've become conditioned to a set of circumstances which I know deep down is not fulfilling. He's is a kind person but set in his ways and enjoys coming and going as he pleases without being truly invested as a real life long partnership! It also takes courage for me to let go as I've allowed this situation to evolve and he's on a good thing because I've accepted the terms of our situation. Why should he be truly invested if he can get away with what's it's been!
So true, Anna. Why, exactly!
I feel like this post was written just for me. I've been seeing a guy for about a month now and really like him. We are compatible in a lot of areas but he says he isn't sure that he wants children. I want children so I've been struggling with the best way to bring this up to him and basically tell him I envision kids in my future and if he doesn't see that for himself that's fine but I can't be in a relationship with him. I'd rather lose him now that get hurt further down the road. So this reminder that this truth is what he really needs from me is helping me work up the courage to speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may. It feels so good to choose myself rather than compromise myself for a guy. Jane - you are starting revolution! Thank you for all your insights and wisdom and providing this community! It helps so much.
Good on you ss for bringing up this important issue early on in the relationship. After a month my ex husband knew he wanted to have children with me and happily let me know. Its not something he had considered with his previous girlfriend. As you are probably aware it can go either way. He will think seriously about a future and reassess things making his feeling clear for a commitment OR he will withdraw further. Thus losing his chance with a wonderful woman who another lucky fellow would love to have a family with. Your right to not waste time with someone who doesn't have the same commitment and goals as you. Good on you for having the courage and strength to do what is right for you. Good Luck and stay strong.
You've taken from this post exactly what I was hoping you would, Sallysue. No matter how much it may hurt now, being honest with yourself about your differences, and coming to terms with what you need to do to "speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may", is so much better than pretending he will change, pretending you will change, or believing that something as important to you as having children when he doesn't won't be a heartbreaking deal breaker to you at some point down the road. Thank you for your inspiring words. That you are seeing what I'm hoping to bring you to in your own way inspires me more than you know. There is no right or wrong when two people want different things; there is only the question of can you truthfully live with those differences if you're truly being honest with yourself. You deserve nothing less than that kind of honesty.
Yes, there's lots of food for thought here. I will need to read this post a few more times so I can digest everything that is written. What Jane is saying is so true. She writes from the heart and I so appreciate that about her.
I agree, accept him as he is rather than trying to change him. He will only change if he wants to; and hopefully love will be the motivating factor for him to do so. If he doesn't change, and his partner decides to stay with him; she will need to focus on his positive attributes more than the negative. I have discovered that the things that aggravates us the most are sometimes the least important.
We all want to be loved and accepted as we are and Jane is helping us see how we can do that so we can have happy and healthier relationships.
aw, thank you, Anne-Marie. I'm so glad this gave you some things to think about here! That love and acceptance we crave is ironically the exact same thing he asks for too, and yet, somehow, as you say, we so believe he wants to be changed, when in reality, he keeps showing us he only wants to be accepted for who he is.
I so tired of dealing with the games...I show my hand and he comes with a game....The tit for tat is also driving me crazy. I just want a man not a boy playing games!!!! And I want a man to take care of my heart and come correct without the games.
Refuse to play, Lisa. It IS in your hands. It ends when you refuse to engage. Showing your hand is a beautiful thing - but only with someone who's on the same page as you!
I so tired of dealing with the games...I show my hand and he comes with a game....The tit for tat is also driving me crazy. I just want a man not a boy playing games!!!!
It's as GOD himself is speaking directly to me through you!!
I'm in ahh.
You are a gift!!
Thank you for your heart and soul . You are blessed.
Thank you, Deborah. I'm so glad this resonated with you. Your beautiful words bless me so!
Hi Jane I met this amazing guy in October 2013,He is 10 years younger than me,we met on dating site,since then we've been together,He was stil hurting form his engagement that was calledd off by his fiancee'.They had a daughter and I was just divorce, We had our ups and downs like any other couple, We had sex and it was the best one I ever had not even with ex husband.For the past few it was a very diffficult time for both of us,his car broke down and he couldn't think straight,Instead of leaving him alone,I found myself assisting him to take his car to the dealer and we share responsibilities to pay the car. He said to me baby as long as I live I'll never forget you,now my main concern is,can this kind of relationship leads in marriage?If so what must I do since he's younger than me. He loves me I know,but its me that always have doubts.
Don't make him your all, Ruth. Fill your own cup instead of expecting him to fill it. Keep living your own life in such a way that your happiness isn't dependent on what he does or doesn't do. It doesn't matter how old you both are, what age difference you have, or all the promises in the world he might make to you, if you're not happy with your own life, being with him can never be the cure all. Any relationship with two people on the same page, looking for marriage can lead there, but you can't be the only one who wants this or you're both not on the same page.
Know yourself, know what you can live with, and what you can't. Know what you need. Know what you can't compromise on or settle for. Know what you're willing to work on with him. Know what he's worth to you - but most of all, know what you yourself are worth. Don't lose sight of you in the midst of the great sex, or the words you love to hear. There's always we have our doubts. Is it him? Or is it you? Where does your work lie? What are your doubts trying to tell you or what are they giving you a chance to confront within yourself that you otherwise might never have been open to see? If he's that amazing, his actions will show you the truth of just how amazing he is, more than any words ever will.
Jane good read!! It is so funny how we get to a place of freedom from the past. then you meet someone that gives you all the things you desire except the outer appearance is off!! My Mr. Right is boring and does not have that swag that I love in a man. I love excitement and adventure that is the only thing missing from my Mr. Right!! I keep telling myself I have to make my own excitement and adventure!!!
So glad you enjoyed it, RealDavis. Look out world, when you get this part - making your own excitement and adventure - this THIS is what starts - and keeps the ball rolling! It took me so long to figure out this part. Create your own excitement and adventure and you won't need it from any man - you'll be both happier yourself AND so much more attractive having this side of you to offer to him and he won't be left feeling pressured like he has to provide it all to you!
Right on point as usual. I think this is the part people forget the most. Both men and women tend to project onto others instead of seeing the person for who they are. It's easier for someone who's not attached to any outcome and who's very self aware and consciously living in the present and knows what they want to see the reality of things.
That's where I'm trying to be. I sometimes notice myself thinking of the other person a bit much and then I realize and go back to focusing on me and how I feel. Quite helpful in shifting anxiety.
Slowly but surely laying a foundation for better situations to start manifesting.
Nothing yet, but I definitely feel myself improving.
That's a beautiful place to aspire to be, Angel. And slowly but surely is the only way worth going to anywhere worth the journey. So glad you're discovering this for yourself!
I ended a relationship two years ago after nearly seven years together. At the beginning the "Charming Man" who gave me everything and I was always there for him. Then he showed true colours because of bad issues he kept hidden and the glimmer I did see, I denied. I cannot accept him for who he really is, a controlling manipulating selfish man. All his terms! What I realize now is how I tried to control things to get back what I thought was!
My low self worth which had got worse being with him, I believed deep down this was all I'd get from anyone. It had also happened in my marriage. I'm never going back, the pain is still there but not as bad. I realize I must look closer at people and stop pretending it's ok because they seem so nice. Recognize the red flags and stop taking crumbs. Every day I believe in myself and love myself more and it's working! And so exciting. It's about valuing me and setting boundaries. Yes I slip and feel bad, but I keep going. Reading these blogs have helped me enormously. I've had to grieve, dad mostly, then and only then can I move on and be happy.
Becoming aware of our blind spots, Linda, that's the biggest hurdle to overcome. Once you know what calls to you, what pulls you in, you can refuse to engage. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this - and for knowing what you've needed to do to take care of you. I'm so honored that these blogs are a part of your journey!
Thank you Jane, I am redoing your program as you said carefully working through each stage to understand my self better and build a stronger foundation to the new me. It's only been 4 months since my ex of 5 years just stopped all communication BANG! After the initial shock and the following ones re new girlfriend and blended family at the kids sports straight away. Gah! All whilst my daughter was gravely ill in hospital I have gained the closure l needed and am moving forward. With thanks to you l look forward to meeting my new love down the track but more importantly l am happy, l love myself more each day and am so worthy of the best lover and friend that will be emotionally available.He will be amazing because l am amazing. I actually believe that now. I look at my ex and his girlfriend and see the aloof, unemotional, expressionless interactions they have and l am grateful l am free. He did me a huge favour to move on so l could also move and learn to be me again. It's not been easy but l have sat with those uncomfortable feelings assessed the relationships l have had, cried and written pages upon pages of notes. I meditate everyday and eat healthier food and work out more. I have a much better relationship with my kids and am attracting new friendships everyday getting out and about.It's becoming easier to make good choices for myself the more l love myself. The most pronounced improvements have come in the last couple of weeks when l have actually started to believe in my affirmations and myself. l encourage others. Everyone is different and their journey different but it will get easier with time and patience getting over those past loves and looking forward to the exciting future ahead of you but also living each day. Thanking you again Jane.
Oh you inspire me, Dandy. Look at how far you've come! This is you - all you - freeing yourself, healing yourself, nourishing yourself, taking care of yourself. It absolutely does become so much easier to make good choices for yourself the more you love yourself! He will be amazing because you are amazing. And you're seeing it, believing it because it's so true. This is freedom. This is you. And I thank you for having the courage to be here, to show up, to do the work, to keep at it even when you don't always feel like it. It works! 🙂
I'm 68 years old. My friend is 72 years old.. On and off relationship for five years. I leave him he never comes after me.. I go back as he is my neighbor. I leave because he doesn't follow through on things he says and there is no depth at all to our communication and its shallow.. He is emotionally unavailable and I have shut down. I am nervous and angry.. Not the person I want to be. I have tried to accept him for the way he is but I'm fooling myself. I am stuck. Issue is if I tell him I'm leaving he says ok.. Cold aloof and indifferent. It's become a bad habit. And it's affecting my well being. Very difficult to communicate anything of depth as there's no feedback.. And I always come back. It's become a convenience as neighbors. How to get out is the question? I want and need more. I'm afraid I will go back.
Oh Rose, what would you tell a friend in your situation? Leave him don't you deserve better.Quite often we put our own needs last. You do deserve better. I can totally understand your frustrations and lack of depth in communication it is a vicious cycle which only drags you down. You CAN break free.We are here to support you.Cut communication and be free! You deserve real love from someone who is capable of loving the beautiful you.
Beautifully said, Dandy. Thank you.
Oh Rose, be you! Be the person you want to be. Everything changes when you become that person. And everything stays the same until you do. What's there for you if you go back? What is so much better with him than with you and your own beautiful life? You're the one doing the choosing. You get to have your own say. Don't sell yourself short. You say you're nervous and angry and not the person you want to be. Then resolve to become you, Rose, not a defensive version of yourself. He's going to be who he is. You need to be who you are. "He never comes after me" - then accept that he isn't capable of coming after you, Rose, and accept the reality that this is who he is. If you want someone to come after you, he's not the one. And there's absolutely nothing in the world wrong with you if you desire someone who WILL come after you - it's just not this particular him. But do you deserve to have someone who comes after you as much as you come after him? Absolutely! Throw off the old story you're telling yourself here and create a new one. This isn't how love is meant to be.
Hi Rose I am trying to stay away from an on and off 3 year relationship.
It is tough. My suggestion is realize it is okay to be impolite and not talk to him to give yourself time to heal.
if he is the next door neighbour extra tough but everytime you see him right now that is bound to hurt. tell him for your own sanity you wont be talking phoning needing his help for the next couple months til things have calmed down.
The first week or two is tough cry lots. But when you are not giving him your time you will be surprised how you will feel more relaxed and do things you put off because you were keeping him company
Change your routine immediately even if you dont feel like it. volunteer for something for 8 weeks. Maybe help at a hospital, go out t of town and visit a friend get on a bus and go on a day trip. change the routine will show you how you were limiting your life making you you unhappy to fit in with his
Alia
Thanks for your suggestions for Rose, Alia. These all help - especially when you've walked in similar shoes.
2 years ago when i was with my crush, there was times i was gonna meet up with him but i saw him 2x in Sep. there was times i want to see him but he kept postponing meetings coz of work commitments n said in Nov he said he doesn't have time to talk to me n that he would let me know when he will talk next. i remember giving him 4 txt msg's everyday saying when can we talk etc when i was with him as a friend. in the last year n half i've been leaving him alone coz which was what he wanted on 4/2/14 n so i left him alone
i'm thinking of having second chance of friendship with my crush, i've been dreaming of him adding me n reversing it in him adding me. i don't know if my crush is ready for a 2nd chance at friendship n do things differently. i've been going to nandos close to my crush n i get a feeling my crush would come into nandos n give me a surprise. idk if i should add him in 10 Sep & keep occupied whilst he's busy or should i add him on 10 Dec n it's less busy after Xmas n i know he will be busy between Oct - Dec n he gets a break in January.
my heart says to talk to him on FB without adding him as a friend n let him know i've been to the nandos near my crush & ask him to add me is a friend. idk if that's the right or wrong thing to do or wait til Sep/Dec
Someone who's on the same page as you and wants to be in your life will NEVER be too busy for you, Courtney. You deserve someone who doesn't ask to be left alone, but someone who instead wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. Don't sell yourself short; if you're not getting any indication from him that he wants to be in your life, ask yourself why you want him in yours? There's so much more to love - and life - than waiting for someone who give you no indication that he wants to be with you. You deserve so much more than this.