Our beautiful friend, Hope, is feeling like she blew it with a guy who she thinks was "the one", and she's wondering if she'll ever have another chance.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
Thank you, I wish I had seen these videos a few weeks back but I am definitely going to follow your advice going forward.
I do have a question though, I recently met a guy and I was very attracted to him, he had the look that I wanted and he seemed like a good guy. I wanted so much for it to work, but I scared him away, by being the pursuer and as you said being too excited and putting him on a pedestal.
He told me he didn't have time right now to be involved with anyone.
Hoping to leave the door open, I told him I understood and he could contact me if he wanted to. I guess I'm wondering if I had not acted so anxious and had followed your advice if he would have acted differently and if things could have worked out.
I feel it was all my fault.
The problem I'm having is the anxiety of wanting to call him, wanting to change his mind, just wanting him. Right now I feel like he was the one and that I screwed up and there will not be another one.
How do you stop this insane panic that I feel as I keep coming back to this place of pain and i just want to make it stop?
- Hope
My Response:
Dear Hope,
Welcome! I'm so glad you're here and have discovered my video series. Now you know more, now you can choose to do things differently next time. But for right now, don't beat yourself up for what you wish you could have done differently!
If it would have made a difference, you would still have that chance. We all have regrets about the one who we let get away, believing that if only we had done something different or been something different, the outcome would have been different.
But it doesn't work that way!
Behind this line of thinking, more than anything else, it gives us someone to blame. It keeps us in control believing that if we are the ones who caused the relationship's end, then we can also have made it work. It gives us an answer to hold onto so we can somehow make sense of what happened, no matter how much this ending had nothing to do with there being anything wrong with you, but everything to do with two different people being on two different pages, no matter how much it may have seemed to have oh so much potential!
Whatever you could have done differently, whatever you wish you could have done, accept that you're human, Hope, and that you did the best you could have with what you did and didn't know at the time.
Accept yourself with compassion, with love, with grace for being as human as you are that you can learn, you can grow and most importantly, that you can love yourself through this process of life-changing growth.
Life isn't about only the end result. It's about how we get there, too! It's about how we grow, how we stretch, how we come to see what we could never have seen before.
He may have had "the look" you wanted, but what about the rest of him? Did you really know him well enough to know if there were enough qualities that really matter in any long-term relationship beyond that "look"?
And when you say you "wanted so much for it to work", ask yourself why. Was it all based on that attraction, that initial spark?
Attraction is a wonderful thing, but you want it to be the kind of attraction that says "he's cute, and I'd like to get to know him better", rather than the mind-blowing type that says "I feel the most incredible connection to him and the sparks and fireworks were all going off when our eyes met!"
Can you tell the difference there?
That difference matters so much! Maybe not right now from where you stand, but a year or years down the road, that difference can mean the difference between a relationship or marriage that lasts and one that never takes on the depth that it needs to last the test of time.
Wrap your beautiful loving, giving, hope-filled arms around yourself, Hope. Pick yourself up from that low place your find yourself in, and raise your beautiful, confident, radiant self up to the place you so deserve to be.
Right on his level.
Looking him right in the eye, if only in your mind's eye right now.
Equals. That's what you are.
He has no idea he's on that pedestal unless you put him there in your own mind. He's only there because you allow him to be. Take him down, and he's on your level. This is all in your control.
And I can tell you this, if he's as perfect for you as you believe he is, you will absolutely have another chance with him where you can do and be everything you think would have made the difference!
Love would never be so cruel to leave you with anything less.
Love,
Jane
How about you? Does any part of Hope's story sound familiar to you? Do you have some words of encouragement or advice for her? Tell us in the comments!
Thank you for this post. I also met someone that I really liked. He had all of the qualities that I valued. He followed up after dates, asked questions about me, valued my input, respected my boundaries around sex and his physical attraction didn't hurt. After about 6 weeks he started to show signs of being hot and cold. I decided to ask him what he wanted in the relationship. He said he wasn't ready for a forever relationship but said he still wanted to hang out.
I said no to the offer and have struggled with it ever since. I have asked myself if I made a mistake by trying to label the relationship to early. If I could have opened up more (at times I struggle with vulnerability).
Logically I believe I made the right choice. He was a great choice except he was missing one major element that I need. He didn't want a relationship. I was not willing to settle for the crumbs he was laying out for me. if you don't want to put the time and effort for me, I won't give you the benefits of me.
Emotionally though I have been obsessing about what I could have done differently.
I try to tell myself if he was the right one he will eventually come back because I had boundaries and respect for myself. If he doesn't it is due to his lack of emotionally maturity. But I admit that my fear of not finding someone that I enjoyed as much keeps the power with him.
I go out with my friends and keep enjoying life but find myself waiting. It has been 3 weeks and I still feel stuck. Any thoughts?
I personally think you did the right thing. Don't let the false belief of not finding anyone else keep you settling for crumbs. If you cut all contact with him, it shouldn't be hard to let go after a while.
As long as you keep coming back to what you could have done differently, Cris, he's going to be right there in your thoughts, in your mind, in your head. That one "major element" that you speak of - that he "didn't want a relationship" tells you everything you need to know. Be so glad that he was honest enough to let you know - and at 6 weeks! - instead of leading you on for weeks, for months, for years like so many women can attest to. Of course no one compares to him right now; they won't, until you let yourself off the hook and let him go. Relationships always take two.
I have compassion for Hope. She has come to the right place for support. Here she will find love and encouragement from other women who understand what she is going through. I pray that she takes the opportunity to see that she does have value, and someone will come long that will love, respect and cherish her as she deserves. My advice for Hope is to learn from this experience and move forward. It can only get better if she gives love another chance.
Beautiful words for Hope, Anne-Marie. Thank you. This is exactly what she'll find here.
I've been in this situation before! I think we are putting the blame on ourselves in order to find some sort of rhyme or reason for the fact that the relationship didn't work out. We want to believe that life and love makes sense! Sometimes it doesn't but as Jane said, "Love would never be so cruel," so if it's meant to be, it will happen on its own, without us having to change.
What I found curious was Jane's comment, "Attraction is a wonderful thing, but you want it to be the kind of attraction that says "he's cute, and I'd like to get to know him better", rather than the mind-blowing type that says "I feel the most incredible connection to him and the sparks and fireworks were all going off when our eyes met!"
I am a VERY passionate person and it is difficult for my mind not to run wild. I've now sort of embraced my automatic response of intense infatuation to a man I see potential with, but I try not to act on it. If fantasies come to mind of the future, I kind of let them ride out without giving them too much attention; I try instead just to enjoy them without adding on an expectation of them coming true. They can be hard to reel in, so I try to use my willpower.
But recently, I met a man that really has my jaw dropped with all of his positive qualities. We've been on 3 great dates now, taking it slowly, but I can't contain that little voice of mine that says, "I feel the most incredible connection to him and the sparks and fireworks were all going off when our eyes met!"
Is this is a bad sign??
It's a sign that you have to be careful. When we feel fireworks, we lose track of what's important, we tend to overlook glaring red flags. Fireworks are great, but they can really blind you. So you just need to go back to observing mode. Little by little you can see things for what they are.
Not necessarily a bad sign, Danielle, just one to be aware of, especially if you've noticed this pattern in the past. But how you walk through this is the most important part. S l o w l y!! If it is all that, and I hope it is! - it will be this way whether you slow things down to really get to know this guy and allow yourself to take your time, or not. The difference is that taking your time keeps your feet firmly on the ground when every part of you wants to rush ahead! And it keeps you from setting yourself up for heartbreak before you've had a chance to really see who this guy is. That's how you navigate through this, Danielle. Someone truly right for you will respect you even more for this. Don't change a thing about how passionate you are - that's a beautiful thing!! - but put it into other pursuits than just the guy.
Thank you Jane and Angel! I agree - I can accept and enjoy the excitement without acting upon it. Slowly it will go!
Dear Hope, you did not do anything wrong or right, you were being who you are. He told you "he didn't have time right now to be involved with anyone", all we have to do is LISTEN. You stated "he had the look you liked and SEEMED like a good guy", you had some doubt. This is what has helped me accept, forgive yourself, and keep moving forward...we can NEVER change the past!! But we can LEARN for it!! LIVE!!! LOVE!!! LAUGH!!!!
"All we have to do is LISTEN." - Thank you, RealDavis. Yes, our answers are always there if we're looking and listening for them. It's the stories we tell ourselves that take us to entirely different places than we're ever meant to be.
The power of projection. Dear hope, you're projecting an idea onto him. He's not the right man for you. If he were, you would be together now and you wouldn't have had the need to pursue him.
There's a lot more to a person than a "look". He may have been attractive, but so what? There are many people out there who are attractive. That doesn't make them right for you.
I hope you sit with this idea for a second and really think clearly and find out what it is you really need.
It's not this guy, trust me. You don't want someone who doesn't want you.
You cannot make anyone do anything. You only have control over yourself.
Thank you for your words for Hope, Angel. This is so true!
Also yes mine had the exact look I wanted and the physical attraction between the two of us was amazing nut which is,better having the look you want or having a man the will return the love and respect you so much deserve , u can't make the pain go away right away you have heal its ok to cry scream whatever but then start thinking about the positive things about not having him or what kind of person he really is , is that what your heart truly desires?
"Is that what your heart truly desires?" - Great question for all of us to ask, Steph. Deep down, we all know our own truth.
I feel your pain , just went through similar thing , we dated for four months and he was perfect so I thought and he showed me all the actions and words of falling in love to be dumped for him to run back to his ex gf that lied , cheated and turned her back on him so many times , I was devastated , I lost 7 lbs in a week and half then I starred to come around realize God has a plan and he was not gods plan for me , I was beating myself up thinking what did I do wrong , what could've I done differently and he would've picked me , the answer nothing if it was meant to be it would've happened, so I started thinking did I want a man that choosevsomeone who hurt him so many times instead of a woman who he shared nothing but laughs intimacy and good times with and a man who everytime they break up he finds a girl and breaks her heart to run back to ex and who made me feel so special just to knock me down and then act like I never existed hell no I'm much better than that here i was putting him on a pedestal instead of me and realized he lost out by letting me go , you are worth so much more and even though it seems like you'll never find the one you will and it's going to be extraordinary , he will live a,life of misery but I will be happy and beautiful and strong again , best wishes to you !
Thank you for sharing, Steph. When you've been there, you understand the pain, the heartbreak - and the need to ask yourself the bigger questions oh so well. You are worth so much more than this, too!