Sometimes my inspiration comes in the middle of the night. When I'm awakened for no apparent reason and can't get back to sleep. I used to resist these times as I so value my sleep, but I'm learning to roll with it because I'm finding that some of my best writing comes during these times, when I turn my thoughts to what you most need to hear from me.
How can I reach you? How can I give you more of what you need? These are the questions that come into my mind when I lay down but sleep is not forthcoming.
And this is why I say you never cry alone, because there is someone thinking of you even in the middle of the night, wherever you happen to be and whatever you happen to be going through.
It was on just such a night, as I threw around some words and ideas in my head to see what might become more clear to me, two words appeared that grew into so much more.
Question everything.
It's how the life-changing "aha" moments happen. It's the excavation tool that unearths the big one, the reality of you and me.
You see, when you're a good little girl and you do exactly as you're told, you don't question much of anything. Not because there aren't a million questions within you, but because we quickly realize there's not much sense in asking when the response we receive – that "It's just the way it is. Now go run along and play." – doesn't leave us much room for questions.
It was so much easier for them – our parents, our teachers, our instructors, our caregivers – to simply give us the pat answers that didn't require any more effort on their part, because after all, everything was more easily controlled that way.
But without questioning the little things, how will we ever question the big things that really matter? If we never feel like we have a right to question the messages we receive and the programming that lies underneath, how will we ever feel our even greater right to question what doesn't seem right? How will we trust our instincts, our gut instinct that always knows? How will we trust ourselves that we might know something more than someone bigger than us might know?
It's how you discover who you are.
By asking the type of questions that get to the bottom of who you are and what you really want. And whether what you've been settling for is what you really deserve – or more of that programming that you never question because you never believed you could.
You know what this really does? It keeps us settling. It keeps us accepting crumbs.
Because if we don't question anything else, we're not going to know that we have a reason – and a right – to question those crumbs, too.
After all, if we don't question it, we're really just accepting it. Because if we start to question whether what we're accepting is really love, if we start to question whether we really need someone in our lives who doesn't treat us in a loving way, we might just stop settling for anything.
Or even more important, we might even realize for the first time in our lives that we actually have a choice.
Find your own truth.
It's where you'll find the you that you never knew before. Is it easier to live following a script that someone else made for you? Probably. But is "easier" really what you're going for here? Or is being loved by someone who's real, who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, who can give you the very thing you're looking for, is that worth more to you than staying right where you are, just because it seems easier?
It's in discovering your right to ask, your right to dig deeper beyond the surface answers, that you'll find a new way of seeing that flies in the face of all those pat answers you were given so long ago.
It's a conscious process, this questioning why something is the way it is when everyone else merely accepts it and goes on their way. And sometimes, it does seem easier to simply go along with the status quo, to not to fight it, to just accept it all as it's delivered to us.
But I've learned that while it might be easier for the people around us if we don’t change, if we don't do anything different like questioning the things they've accepted just fine, it's actually harmful to us.
It stunts our growth. It keeps us stuck. It keeps us repeating old patterns that still don't serve us well.
It keeps us attracting the same types of men and accepting the same crumbs and the same excuses for love.
Because, after all, it's this same unquestioning self that's always the first to accept that excuse, to explain away his reasons, to be all too understanding of why it's our fault that he treats us the way he does.
It's why we're the first to apologize, the first to sympathize, the first to empathize with everything that he's going through while we receive nothing more than those all too familiar crumbs in exchange. But in exchange for what?
Start somewhere.
Start small. Get comfortable with this part of you. Grow into it.
Question what love means to you.
Question what love looks like to you.
Question what it feels like.
Question whether it makes sense to you that you can actually change someone else and make them want you simply because you say a few certain words or play a game that isn't really you.
Question whether you even want someone who you have to manipulate like this.
Question whether your happily ever after ideal is based on one too many fairytales you read.
Question whether his ability to become emotionally distant and pull away from you is really such a strength.
Question whether your capacity to love like you do is really a weakness.
Question whether you really want someone who you have to prove yourself to.
Question whether all those beautiful supermodels are really any happier than you.
Question whether your friends on Facebook are really as happy as the pictures they post.
And question whether love is supposed to hurt like this.
This is how you wake up. This is how you become your own person. This is how you find the only kind of love worth having.
This is how you become free.
Is there anything in your life that you need to start questioning? Tell us about it in the comments!
Thank you.,
You're so welcome, Lucinda.
Thanks for the beautiful passage,Jane and really wakes me up to question everything! I was too scared to ask him questions so make him treat me like nothing even he said he wants to get serious and wanted to do something on Valentines day with me. Well, the truth is nothing happen and he now disappeared to go on his holiday without a goodbye . I would wonder will be contact me again and if he does, I don't know should I just ignore him or question him! I am really heartbroken and feel myself so naive and stupid to believe everything he said!I just want happy in my life and don't want to play games like cheat and lies in general.
Kate I was the same way. Too afraid to ask questions because whenever I needed answers to anything, he was too tired to talk or got mad and didn't speak to me for hours. It broke my heart, I always had a lump in my throat because deep down inside I knew the answer. The answer was he was not on the same page with me but I denied it over and over again. We broke up every 3 months for 14 years. There would always be somehow we got back together but this time I had this gnawing feeling that he was being unfaithful to me, as he had done before. It was confirmed just recently by a friend of ours. I lost it at that point after months of being strong. I went to his house to confront him about it (bad move) what the heck was I really thinking! I needed answers. I found a card to him from her on which she poured her heart out to him. How she loved him with her whole heart and sole that he was so sweet. He claimed they had been only dating 1 month. Who gives someone a card like that after a short period of time? I do have my answer to why he was so distant. I don't understand why this person had to hurt me and tell me about him, I never asked her. I would have continued on my path of self healing. Now it is even tougher. I keep asking myself why? Thinking what they are doing, etc. How could he sleep in the same bed with someone that we slept in? He had the nerve to tell me he's been looking at my pictures recently. This disgusts me. He just wants to break hearts over and over again to make him superior. Jumping from one person to another without any time in between. Why? I don't understand. Jane, I have been reading about narcissists and I really believe he is one. How does one get through this?
i dont have anyone like that in my life yet...but i m looking for that "one" in my life....because at times such stuff amase you and make u think in a better possible way...i m waiting for that opportunity....
Hello Yes i continue to ask myself this question.What do i see in someone who does treat me wrong and then feels i just like to agrue.I have become withdrawn and not myself for i am in a relationship with a one week recovering alcoholic.He at times is nice but other times mean as can be,I have told him i cannot be with him while recovering even though i love him.He is mean to the extent it is frighting.But as soon as i leave of course he starts to be nice and again and confuses me.I am a mess and my doctor fears for me .My boyfriend does not listen to that because he is selfish and wants what he wants and then tells me that he can help me to get better so long as i am with him.I have pushed him away from me when he has called me names.I have told him to go f...off because i couldn't take it anymore and have stated having some many emotional problems because of him.I have left several times but he looks for me or convinces me that i need to go back.Everything will be alright.I am now on antidepressants which make me sick.A mess and i am not sure how i am going to get myself to see the light at the end of the tunnel.I have been thru alot in the last few years with serious life threatening illness and injuries that have caused me to be in rehab for three years.What can i do.
The misery and pain and sobbing come from a frightened little girl who knows deep down inside that things just aren't right. She's working on it though. She questions everything and searches for answers. Sje gets a lot of advice in the search too. But, at the end of the proverbial day, her gut intuition is what she follows.
My life sometimes feels like a mess but its my mess and I own it. I'm setting realistic hoals but sometimes I want it right now. But things take time.
When I decided to end my marriage almost 4 years ago now, I embarked on a journey to figure out why I knew it was the right thing to do. It's been a long tough road of sacrifices and self discovery. I don't cry as often as I used to but when I do it's usually because there is a nagging question to be answered. When I finally ask the question I can move forward again.
I don't have all that I want in life but I have more importantly aĺl that I need. A roof over my head, food in my belly and great friends. I can conquer the world with these.
Never let the stress of life overrule the blessings in life.
My priorities have shifted. I take care of me first, always.
Thank you Jane for teaching me to find myself that will lead to abundance always.
I'm "finding the You that leads to two"
Love and hugs
Jennifer
Beautiful, Jennifer. Owning it, feeling your own power in spite of what it might look like to anyone else is how we do this living of our own lives, making changes we choose to along the way that makes everything better. Thank you for sharing.
I am doing very well, I am being true too myself what doesn't feel good or hurts I let go of. I am staying positive and moving away from negative people. It's better for my soul. Thankyou.
So much better for your soul, Luisa. Thank you for this beautiful update - and the reminder of what all our souls need.
Thank u for asking. I have to question why after 8 year my high school sweetheart who I have never gotten over decides that it's time for us to give this relationship thing a try between us. We been friends for over 30 years, but he found my sister and got my number bout 9 years ago after his divorce and we been talking over the phone that long, but recently he demanded that i come vist him out in Texas and i did and now he want us to be in a relationship that it's our time,but I'm wondering is it some hidden agendas cause i wanted this years ago but it didn't happen but now he thinks its time. I don't know what to feel are believe. When i wanna talk bout it, am over thinking, I need to let the rivers flow and flowers grow, but i can't help but to wonder why me and why now. Sorry I know it's a lot, but i need help are your opinion. Thanks Teresa
I want to first and foremost THANK YOU for thinking of us in our times of need and believe me I heed your words 100%. My first step like you state is getting me back. I have not emailed nor called him. I miss the things we did and the contact and slowly but surely I am working through each step. I am going to an in-service training and I hope to learn, have fun, see old friends and meet new friends. I am looking forward to that time to be me and that is was I was before and when I come back I want to look forward to my times I was me at my pace and not his pace. I also found this quote by Marilyn Monroe which I have never heard nor seen any of my friends share it on Facebook. I have shared it on my timeline and it goes:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
I told him I am a woman. I am taking this quote and your heart to heart to my heart. Thank you Woman/Jane you are awesome. <3
Thank you, Catherine. I'm honored to be here for you. And I absolutely love getting these updates from you! You are finding out just how strong you are. How much you are worth. And yes, aren't we all just that human! It's what makes us all that we are, it's what gives us all that we have to offer, and shows us whether someone is the real thing.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Beautiful!
It is so comforting to realize I am not alone as I felt this past weekend. I must admit it is hard to stand alone and try to find happiness within ourselves without a relationship, but it is possible. Your words continue to inspire me to become better and never loose hope. I was one who found your site at a time of heartbreak. And your soothing words which also spoke reality helped me get through tough times. "Question everything" I love that! it will never let me settle again because I deserve much more! Thank you again Jane for all you do and say. Have you ever thought of doing some type of retreat/conference? I know a lot of us would love to meet you and me personally because you have touched me so much in the past year. Can't thank you enough! 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Darlene; so nice to hear from you. You're never, ever alone in what you're going through. So glad you've found that soothing for your heart here. It hurts, oh how it hurts when we go through what we do. Yes! I've had so many requests lately for some kind of a live retreat/conference type venue - and I'm working on it. 🙂 I hear so many of the same stories from all of you that I think to myself I've got to get you all together so you can hear your own story through the words of yet another beautiful woman and come to that same objective realization for yourself that's so hard when you're the one going through it!
I read your blog all the time now and they help me a lot. I have been with this guy for two years now and he is in his 60's and I in my 60's, I want to marry and he does not.
I walked away a few times but always go back. This time I am trying to just walk away and stay away and see if he will come back to me. I told him I was too old to be sleeping with him and I am in the church. I asked if we could get engaged and he said no engagement, or married he said no. You think I should just walk away and see if he comes back and if he doesn't than as the saying goes I'll know he wasn't mind in the first place.
He does anything I ask him to do for me, he is the sweetest guy, but he just does not want to get engaged or married. So what should I do. He said I am his girl friend, and that's ok, but I am too old to be a girl friend. The way I see it now if he does not want to marry me than I just can't be anything, because I was not raised this way to be with someone who I am not married too.
Joy
You have to do what you can live with, Joy. You know his terms. You know what he isn't willing to do - marry you. And you know what you want to do - marry him. That's a huge disconnect. Without any wiggle room for any halfway points. After all, you're either married, or you're not. But if you have everything else you're looking for in him and he still won't marry you, then what do you have? That's the question to ask yourself. And if this matters so much to you and he still won't marry you, then what does that tell you? This is why it has to be about what you can honestly live with. Because some women would find the benefits of being with someone you describe as "the sweetest guy" "he does anything I ask him to do for me" to be worth not being married. Others would stick to their deep-seated value systems and refuse to budge. You can always give him some space and focus more on you and your own life and see if that changes anything for him. But don't expect it to. I'm sure he has his reasons, just like you have yours. Whether those reasons are compatible and on the same page is a whole different matter.
Wow, thanks Jane your emails seem to fall into my inbox just at the right time and I always read each story. I am six weeks into a breakup where I was left devaststed by a man who I thought was my soulmate, and who told me I was "his soulmate! ". Two days later he had left without trace and I haven't heard from him since. My heart was broken, my world stood still for a while with so many unanswered questions and no closure, but I am finally getting there, I hope.
Time does heal but it's still hard for me. I still think about him most of the day, just wondering what he is doing and where he actually went, this is the hardest part. If he would just have had the guts to tell me it was over maybe I could have accepted it in time, its the closure thing I am struggling with.
Thanks for your emails, they have really helped me on my journey back to normality and learning to love myself again, for who I am.
I'm so glad these are helping, Janette. It is so much harder when someone simply disappears like this leaving you with so many unanswered questions and so few answers. I wrote a previous post about this that might help - why asking him why never works. Know that you're not alone. And it will - it does - get easier the more you own your own power, the more you take back your own life, the more you learn to love yourself for exactly who you are again. Know that there's nothing he could possibly be doing that will make sense to you.
When it comes to guys especially nice 1s I start to push them away or be clingy to them. I've done it to my past crushes n even with the guy I'm with
On the weekend I told my guy lets hire DVDs n my dad asked me if I wanted to watch DVDs on Bali copy n I said nope n rather watch the newest 1s n as we left n walk to the video store my guy asks me "why did I tell u to do?" I said stop pushing n he thinks I'm pushing coz I wanna spend more money so we went down got a few DVD new releases
There's been other times I get clingy n pushy in seeing him more n more but half the time he's got appts. In the past I've had been pushed n clingy n I'm still am
Everytime I get a day off the 1st thing that comes to my mind is seeing him but he has no time coz he sleeps n works n he gets a bit lazy. Its like I wanna u 2moz n he says what about Saturday as a example. I wanna u 2moz coz its my day off n he would say what did I say about pushing. On New Years day I wanted to see him the next day but he said no I wanna sleep in n got appts etc & I ended up emotional crying saying I'm sorry if I pushed u away n that I've had a pushy n clingy past even tho my autism is mild
My parents don't like it if I push guys away
Idk How i can stop myself being pushy n clingy where I want something n he wants something else. I thought if I can stop being pushy n clingy he may see me more
I remember 1 of my crushes told me don't wait for me to come around
If he wants something and you want something else, look at how often this occurs. It's one thing to have differences - you'll always have those with someone - but if those differences are in so many things that you're no longer on the same page, and there's no coming each other's way to work out those difference, does that work for you? You see, Courtney, when we're with someone who's on the same page, even with our differences, we don't feel like we're pushy and clingy because there's a natural desire in both people to work together to make the relationship work. Without that, you have two people struggling to get their needs met and be heard.
Take a step back and look at who you are and what you want in a relationship. Does he have that? Is he capable of that? You want to be with someone who adds to your life, not someone who leaves you second-guessing yourself and wondering what's wrong with you. If you're not sure, give him some space to be himself and focus on creating your own beautiful life instead of him. When you live your life focusing on you and what makes you happy and develop your own interests and hobbies and passions and friends who understand and accept you, life and love become so much easier.
God bless you Jane! 🙂
I was the woman, last night, sobbing, alone in bed and feeling very lonely and alone and asking the question, "Where is he?"
After a while, by just letting the tears flow and loving myself anyway, a feeling of calm and peace came over me and I realised "he" whoever he is, will find me when he finds me. I just need to trust.
Love
Donna xxx
oh, Donna, I feel every word of what you said here. No, you're never, ever alone in what you go through. And you've discovered exactly what I found in those moments when I feel scared, uncertain or overwhelmed by it all. When you let those tears flow, when you, as you say, "love yourself anyway", that feeling of peace and calm meets you where you are and reminds you to simply trust. A tall order for most of us, but when we do, we find we can. Thank you for your kind - and beautiful - words.
Thank you, Jane so much for this post.
This is how we reach our intuition and start listening to it, this is how we get back to it. This is why we can use time apart from the world, time for ourselves to delve into these topics without so much input coming our way from different directions. We get overloaded with so many contradictions but at the end of the day, it's all in us. We just know. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to trust that we'll know, to stop abandoning ourselves like we have been taught to do.
We have our own built-in navigation system: our emotions and internal wisdom. Time to get in touch with them.
Exactly, Angel. It's how everything else starts to change - with us first trusting ourselves and what we sense and what we know above anyone else. We always know. Beautifully said - thank you!
This was one of the best things I have every read. Truly eye opening and life changing. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Jen. Your words mean so much. I'm so glad this resonated so deeply with you.
You are of tremendous help, Jane! You truly have us women at heart! I've learnt from your latest email to trust my gut, to listen to the gnawing feeling it brings when something is off! Thank you!
oh I love hearing from you, Centaine, to hear what you're leaning in your own words like this. Thank you. That gnawing feeling is always telling you something - listening to it, trusting it is our work.
Wow, Jane... I woke up an hour before my alarm, it is almost like I could hear the voice saying "we have an important message for you"... And it was right there, in my inbox. Thanks for everything you do for so many of us,
Have a great day :)!
There's always a reason! Thank you, Julia. So glad to be here - right there in your inbox 🙂 - for you! Have a wonderful day, too!
Absolutely , unbelievably just down right amazing timing that this came into my email when it did.it's like your psychic..I'm in a transition period with my life..and intuition is the main lesson .Im learning who I am by focusing on asking myself quotations...and listening to my subconscious mind instead if the one that was confirmed by
So glad this one resonated with exactly where you are right now, Rachele. Thank you! Intuition - and trusting it, trusting yourself - is absolutely the main lesson!