I'll be the first to agree that sometimes our "aha" moments come to us in the most unusual of places.
Like recently, when I was sitting in the audience at our local high school annual holiday concert. Listening to the beautiful music being played and sung by these talented young students in the band, the choir, and the orchestra, I realized I had lived my own student years in all the wrong places.
Here in this place where the music touched my soul and made me feel like everything was all right in the world (and especially with me!) it all suddenly became so clear.
With a clarity I never had before, I realized exactly what happened during those formative years that now seem so long ago.
You see, without even knowing it, the words from my older, popular sister (who I secretly aspired to be like) had influenced where I went, where I didn't go, who I was friends with, and who I wasn't friends with.
Five years before me, when my older sister entered high school and had the option to choose band and choir or art and drama, I had overheard her and her friends referring to all the kids who took art and drama as cool and popular, while the ones taking band and choir were described as the opposite.
I never forgot their words.
So, five years later when it was my turn to choose, wanting to be cool and popular myself for once in my young life, I decided my own fate. The very people who I would have felt more connected with, who would have been a better match for me, I never knew them.
Living the wrong life.
Instead, I was living a life that others had led me to believe I wanted.
It's the same cultural or familial programming behind our choices in who we date. It's the number one reason why the ones we choose aren't the right ones for us.
They're a match for this current version of who we think we are, but it's not the real you.
Oh we try to make it work. How we try and try and try some more! We try for months, years and what can be feel like a lifetime trying to make him into the one who can fill that deepest void within us.
But it doesn't happen, because the truth is that you're the match for someone else, not him. No matter how much you try to make him the one, he can't be.
And here's the reality check: it's not just because he doesn't want to be, but because you don't want him to be either. Not the real you, deep down inside. The one who you're eventually going to grow into (hopefully sooner rather than later).
Because when you grow into the beautiful, confident woman that's the real you without all this other stuff that's been put on you, you'll understand exactly what I mean.
You see, we search everywhere for the rules, the answers, the magic formula that will bring him back, make him commit, keep him interested, and have him wanting us, loving us, the way we so want to be loved.
And if we can only somehow find the magical words or method that will make this happen, we think we've hit the pot of gold.
But the reality is that it's not about inserting a one-size fits all answer into a relationship made up of two real people, compatible or not. It's not about making someone love you, making someone want to be with you, persuading someone to give you a second look.
We've been sold such a bill of goods!
It's why it can't be him, and why love and the universe or God or whatever you believe in keeps gently nudging at you to look, listen, look within, and see the bigger picture of what's really going on. It's not working because if you could see yourself the way you truly are, you would see that you don't really want it to work. You don't really want him the way you think you do.
I know that's so hard for you to hear right now. Not when you're still in the place you are with this future place feeling like a whole other world you can't even imagine being a part of right now.
It's OK.
We each go down this road at our own pace. Not on anyone else's timeline but our own.
If you're still at the holding on part, that's where you are. Don't be too hard on yourself just because you can't see past that from where you are right now.
I couldn't either.
I even had a friend fly across the big old country of Canada from Vancouver to Toronto one time to try to show me what she saw that I couldn't see, but it didn't change a thing for me. I still waited almost three long years before there was a part of me that finally spoke up and sealed my fate with that particular dream when my words couldn't be reversed, no matter how hard I tried. And it still took me several years while I sifted through all the books, the articles, the conferences and retreats that my journey took me to before it slowly started to sink in.
Beautiful, confident, you.
That's how I see you. That's how you're meant to be seen. All that other stuff that covers that up, it's not you. It's only the years of being told you're wrong. It's the years of been told who you are by the very ones who had no idea who you were, who only knew how to project their own lives and longings on you.
It's years of feeling like there was something wrong with you, even if you never expressed those words yourself; the feeling produces the same results.
It's time to stop searching for something that we never seem to be able to find. That missing piece. That missing key that we're convinced will change everything if we can only find it.
It's usually a him. Someone we've given so much power to believing that if we can only have him – if he'll only see all that we are and all that we have to offer him and choose us – everything else will fall into place.
It was all I wanted in the world. Different guy, same person underneath. Someone who didn't want me the way I wanted him to want me. Someone who wasn't there, who wasn't on the same page as me, but who I so wanted to be.
I missed them all. Every single one of them until I finally woke up and started with me.
Not them; me.
And it's the same for you. No matter how much we think it's about him, it's not. It's starts with the tiniest part of you that's open to seeing this too. Then you start to catch more glimpses of yourself reflected back to you in the people and things you start to notice that you never could before.
Until finally, one day, the light of it all dawns on you. And in that moment, it all begins to make just a little more sense.
You see yourself clearly for the first time in a lifetime.
It was never about any him, you say, it's about me!
No matter where you are right now, no matter how far you've traveled away from that beautiful woman known as you. We're on a mission to find her, to bring her back, to let her be seen like she's never been seen before.
It all begins with that tiniest bit of belief that there just might be more to this life you're living right now.
How about you? What programming do you struggle with? Tell us in the comments!
Wow! Yes what u say is so true! I didnt want to admit it but it is so about me/us women as individuals. Who we believed we are was our programmed selves by other s... our friends our sisters our mothers. Its time to be brave...be ourselves. Speak out. Say what we want. Dont be afraid. But ohhhh...when we luv a man... for whatever reason. Then it becomes complicated. I luv a man I met 5 mnths ago. We have had numerous meetings and dinner dates. We have soooo much chemistry...but and yes its but....he keeps his distance...keeps it safe. He/as I, have been really hurt in tbe past. And here we are. I am ready to totally let go of the past and go with my feelings for him. Luv him, be there for him, commit to only him. And yet I wait....i know he has issues and hangups. I know he needs to work on it himself so he can truly let go and trust and fully love again. Can I help him? What can I do? I know there r other men out there. But I care about this man soooo much. I care about my last non committal man almost as much. Luv them both. Im happy with who I am Truly. But I just a man who luvs me the same. Im guessing I know the answer already. ..move oN. Find him. But im tired of looking. :):(
Jane,
Your words have sparked every cell in my body!!! I have to read each article numerous times because I am thinking so fast with every sentence you write that I can't hardly concentrate on the next sentence! Does that make sense?
Actually, you are speaking the exact words I NEED to hear. Why has it taken me so long to discover your page???? Thank you so much.
It makes perfect sense, Amy. Welcome! I'm so glad you're here and this is resonating so much with you! 🙂
Wow!! This is exactly what I needed! Thank you so much! Ur amazing and very much appreciated Jane! 🙂
So glad this resonated with you, Sam. You're so very welcome! 🙂
I have been practising kindness, care, self love and opening my heart to the world the last 5 years or so. That did lead me to meet a person who took advantage of me last year. It still hurts but I have learned that this is who I am so although I need to be more careful, I am not going to change. I love this new me! Kind, caring person who wakes up in the morning feeling positive about life and it is the little things that make me smile and be happy every day.
I might not have met my One yet but I know I'm close 'cause I am generally happy and have learned to love myself. I also don't want to hold back my open heart and I dream big again. One day I will do great things with my good heart like charity and helping others.
Meanwhile, I am forgiving and forgetting the wrong my ex did. I guess he knew no better and deep down I wish he would change 'cause I have seen the life he lives and it breaks my heart but it is not up to me and I move on.
It has taken me 35 years of learning who I am and to love myself inside and out and I'm ready to face whatever future will bring. Although I think I have pretty much learned everything now from my past relationships, I'm sure my learning does not end here but life will continue to teach me as long as I breathe but the most important lessons about love I think I know now as I could now tell you what I really want in a man.
Finally Yes my mind sometimes gets impatient and I hear it whispering that I cannot just do nothing, otherwise I'll end up alone but since I have heard this before I know the only way for me to meet a man is to relax and do the things I enjoy and let life carry me.
So I am looking forward to this year! Thank you Jane because your web site has been a great help for me!
-Annie
I'm so glad you're seeing yourself in this true light, Annie. You will do amazing, beautiful things because that's who you are! It's your heart and soul and the real you underneath all of this that now knows so much more clearly what you really want in a man. Run with that!
It's from that clarity that he'll be able to recognize his place in your life and it's how you lead him to find you. This journey is unique to each of us, and when you're open like you are, the learning, the seeing, the being, the living continues to show you what you never could have imagined for your life without that beautiful vision you have.
Don't change it, just change who you give it to. He's out there looking for exactly who you are. You won't end up alone! And you know in your heart of hearts this is only fear speaking, not the knowledge your heart knows that to relax and allow yourself to live and do and create the kind of life that you want for yourself with be exactly the place he'll find you in.
Look forward to this year, Annie. There's so much to come for you!
Well, the New Year is here, and things will be brighter. I did go on my "short" date. Coffee and conversation for one hour and a half. Prior to this meeting, this person who is a long family friend had e-mailed me to say would be in town for the holidays, and he would like take me to dinner and a show. I said fine. Again, an old family friend who I had not seen in years (male). He had seen me at a local meeting prior to this coffee chat in early December. He contacted a family member for my e-mail and phone number. So, he called and he was in town and was visiting people in my area and asked if I was available to coffee. As luck would have it, I was available. NO GAMES - LIKE NO, I'M BUSY, ETC..ETC. We meet for coffee and chat. He talks about what's going on in his life, sort of. He asks me a little about me. Then when time was up, he had to go and see family members while in town. He was visiting many people. He walked me out and was beginning to go to his car, then said - oh, I'll walk you to your car., which he did. He made now mention of the show/dinner. That was five days ago. I thought about it. I was me the entire time. I did not race home to dress perfectly, try to be something I'm not, etc. See, I'm looking at some old tapes going off in my head. Wasn't I good enough. I had to stop myself. Truly. Whatever his reasoning. I'm not in his head, and I'm not going to try to figure it out. NO MORE OF THAT. NOT THE SAME PAGE. I KEEP SAYING, NOT THE SAME PAGE.
Exactly, Denise. There is no loss, nothing you missed, nothing you did "wrong". Same page is exactly where to go here - and be so proud of yourself for remembering this! But even within that logical head knowledge, we can still be disappointed, we can still feel hurt, we can still long for what wasn't and what wasn't meant to be. That's the beautiful loving, caring, feeling part of you - don't change any part of that. When it's someone who is on your page, it won't matter what you said, what you were wearing, what you did or didn't do; it will only matter that you were true to you!
i'm doing good Jane regarding my coffee meeting with an old time family friend. I was going to just let it go. I thought it out and said he never called, not interested. I was okay. The my brother, my dear brother said to me, after I said "my coffee date" never called or made contact at all. My brother more or less convinced me to just send an e-mail wishing this old family friend (male) a Happy New Year hello and that it was nice seeing him after all these years, and hope things are good for 2015. I did not want to, and should have listened to my "own self" but I listened and wrote him a short note. Well, he gave me a short answer - here it is "Right back at you." I wish I would have listened to my instincts and not written him. He is not interested, obviously. I've been doing so good. But my brother said, give it a shot since he did not write, he has a busy schedule - he's a great guy. Well! That was enough for me. Jane, I have been doing so well, since I found your site, and all your wonderful thoughts and feedback have helped me tremendously. Here, I see I slipped by not listening to my own beat. It threw me a bit to hear "Right back at you." and nothing else. Sounds so odd. It hurt for a moment...but I'm back up and moving on thanks to you, this site and all the others on here. WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT ON THE SAME PAGE.....How someone put it to me long ago "You have to circulate to eliminate." Well, that one is eliminated. lol. Thank you Jane for just being here. amen!
Always, Denise! You can trust yourself.
Thank you Jane. I plan on it! I know what is right for me. I suppose my brother meant well, but I know inside. I must say, since finding your website Jane and your support, I have grown tremendously - this little step off the track, actually made me realize how much I'm on target. Thanks for you! So, I will go with my instincts - so far with the exception of this, I'm doing good. THANK YOU!!!!
I'm so glad, Denise. Because time and time again when we give ourselves half a chance, we discover exactly this; that we know more far more than we give ourselves credit for. You inspire me more than you know. Thank you so much for being such a beautiful part of this community. However you found your way here, I'm so glad you did!
I have been through it all the searching for him to love me I'm almost in tears for the time i wasted I've always said were over but as soon as he asks to c me I'm all there for him again he doesn't call unless he wants to have sex i felt so used and downgraded wondering if i wasn't good looking enough for him or what i think i am holding on so much because i feel i want him so much like he's all i needed then i wrote a list of good and bad things but the bad overpowered the good. He. Didn't even text to say merry Christmas or whatever when all I've ever done is try to make him happy i could have the last dollar and he asks me for something he gets it and leave myself broke where did i go wrong
Not a waste, Kadian. Never a waste. Not what you've learned and seen and discovered for yourself. Not the sight to see that someone didn't even say Merry Christmas to you and you would have been ok with that in the past, but now you see it for what it is. Not enough for you because you're worth so much more! Embrace this beautiful part of you that loves like you do, that gives like you do, that cares so much like you do, but save it for someone who can give the same back to you!
This is just what I needed to hear! I recently ended a near year-long relationship with a man who said he loved me but wasn't "in love" with me, who said I was everything he was looking for so he was confused as to why why he couldn't commit...it took a toll on my self-esteem and had me questioning myself and trying to figure out what I could do to get him to want me like I wanted him. I am coming to the realization that I have spent most of my life trying to meet other people's expectations of me, thinking that would protect me from rejection and heartache. So now, at 40, I am deciding to listen to my own heart. It is a long journey back home to myself, and it can't start soon enough. Thank you so much, Jane - your words have helped me more than you'll ever know.
Hello Sue - what you said "said it all." I have to thank you for that. I absolutely love all of Jane's words of wisdom and her website with so many wonderful people. Your thoughts resonated with me and I'm grateful. Have a wonderful New Year!
Thank you, Sue. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you! Whenever we find ourselves questioning who we are and what we're doing in relation to what we can do to "make" someone want us, we can be sure we've traveled far, far away from our beautiful true selves. It's never too late to choose to listen to your own heart. It's how real change begins!
I love your post they are so beautiful and well said. I think love starts with us
I
Always put a man before my self I always cooked, cleaned did everything and he still
Didn't love me. So I started focusing on me not a man. It hurt so badly i realize it was the vision I had for us that I
Wanted not him because he was just a dream he wasn't real he never came through. So I let go and everyday became easier.
Thank you for your kind words, Vange. You've got this; love always starts with us! Be so proud of yourself for seeing that it was that vision you so wanted that you fell for, not him. It was your own beautiful dream. Keep it, don't change it! But save it for someone who gets this, too, who proves himself real - and worthy of you!
I was programmed to believe that if I was a kind, thoughtful and caring person, it was all that was necessary because in the movies, that is the guy that gets the girl. Instead, it just made me someone that someone else saw as an easy person to take advantage of until she tired of me, even though I had given her the very best of me. Sometimes, that isn't enough.
From now on, I do it for me, not for anyone else...not to impress or attract anyone else. I want it to be who I am, not what I want someone else to see. And I remind myself that not only should people be themselves, they will need to prove it over and over.
I have seen first hand how it is not that someone changes or turns a page, but it is really just their mask falling off. Don't wear a mask, because it eventually just falls off.
I agree Wayne, but don't lose your wonderful qualities because you were hurt by others. There are many of us on here who would greatly appreciate someone with the qualities you stated "kind, thoughtful and caring person," Jane has made me realize, as I, you just have not met the right person, on the same page. I'm sure you are working on you, which is wonderful, as I am. Being oneself. Yes, important. If you are not appreciated, MOVE ON to someone who does appreciate you! We are all trying our best with the help of Jane to have a better understanding of dating and relationships - again - Jane is helping tremendously, as are so many wonderful people on here. Have a great New Year - May it bring you closer to what you desire.
Beautifully said, Denise. I couldn't agree more!
And it wasn't you, Wayne! It was her. She was the one who wasn't able to receive the beautiful love you had for her, to get past her own triggers and issues that would have allowed her to see all you were offering her if she was only open to it. This was something in her, not you, and the only thing you did was take what was hers to own and put on you. You don't deserve that! And when you stop doing this to yourself, when you give her back what was hers and refuse to take it on for one more moment, you too will begin to see what everyone else who's capable of appreciating a man who loves without abandon can see; you. All that you are, all that you have to offer; the essence of you. She's only one person that you happened to choose. There's so many others not like her just waiting for you to see them, too!
I definitely think that I've reprogrammed my attitude towards dating. I've learned that I don't need to change anything about myself in order to make a guy happy and if a guy really wants to be with me, he'll love me just the way I am.
Amen Alysha. I agree. Happy New Year!
Exactly, Alysha!
i am in a relationship & love this man madly.,..he says he loves me madly too but something is missing something is off .....im so tired of trying to be what i think he wants .....Jane thank you for nudging me to looking openly and honestly at my self/situation ......i will keep you posted .....happy new year
So glad you're seeing this for yourself, Joanne. That's exactly why I'm here, sharing the nudgings that inspired me too. Looking forward to hearing more from you! 🙂 Happy New Year to you, too!
It has taking me 7yrs to reprogram myself back to ME!! I have been in a cloud of grief, misunderstanding, pain, and loneliness. The two men that I choice to bring in my life, I thought they were going to make everything better. When I started dating a Pastor I really thought this was it...he could give me everything that I thought I had losted. Come to find out he was a LIAR, CHEAT, THEIF and a KILLER (killed your spirit). My "aha" moment came just a week ago!! I was not programmed for this BS!! I told myself this STOPS now!! I told the PASTOR in a very not nice way....do not call me ever and when you see me look the other way!! (I am only sharing the nice version) LOL!!! Pay Attention - What you TOLERATE you cannot CHANGE!! Hope this helped someone!!!
So glad you're finally seeing that it doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside, it's what they give you - and what they don't - that matters more than anything else. Isn't it ironic that it stops when we are finally able to see that we're the ones who have to want to stop it badly enough!
Boy! It helped - thank you..... Hope the New Year brings you much closure and love of yourself. Stick with Jane, she help you through it. SHE IS WONDERFUL!
You're sweet, Denise. 🙂
oh Jane, you just made me feel beautiful!
And you are so right, now i understand. My programming is i think get attracted to the mean one's coz the friendly one's are unrelaiable... But thank you i feel so much better!
- lots of love!
It's because you are beautiful, Roopa! I'm so glad this is resonating with you. Lots of love to you, too 🙂
Yes the programming to be always kind and perfect.
Like you have to have the perfect life, go to holidays, have childeren and the husband, be good to the society, be gentle, cut your hair in a certain way, your garden has to look a certain way etc etc etc
I am really starting to see a lot of this is programed "if you do this and this, you are an ok human being".
I really think this is a waste of time.
We all want to feel happy and enjoy. I think we are all different and we should discover what fits us!
This is sometimes tough, because you sometimes swim against the stream.
Bless you Jane.
Absolutely, Maris. The list can be endless! We are all different and the beauty of accepting our own and each other's differences is that we discover there are places and people everywhere who give us that feeling that we belong.
My programming has been advanced n I do like guys who plan things in advance so there is no trouble on the big day, I've been with this new guy since 2 dec 14 - now n as a couple we plan things in advanced n we organised valentines day in advanced. On Monday I was supposed to see him n I invited him for a swim last week but on the actual day in the morning he said he was sick n it was the 2nd time he's said that, I thought I wish I could see him now n I was worried he would have a flu but he didn't in the end but he told me that he had a very bad headache from the hot weather
When he cancels at the last minute I never have 2nd option in my hand n I asked him yesterday what time u coming n he said "I will let u know when I'm on my way but no particular time" I'm used to someone saying I'll c u at theatre at 11am n I try to come up with a time n he says I'm pushing the time n it made me worried n told him "I don't want to push u away" the convo ends.
I will organise things with him in advanced like valentines day for a example so then he can tell his boss if he can the day off on V.day coz he's on a roster in hours.
Just make sure he's on the same page as you, Courtney. It's his actions that say so much more than his words. You deserve someone who's honest with you, who wants to be with you, and shows you this by how he treats you. Take it slow to make sure he's looking for the same thing you are. You're worth that and so much more!
I would say yes. My programming is quite pervasive. I am struggling against it now. And you're right. It feels right but at the same time confusing. I feel lost at times, it is hard for me to stay put. It feels like if I stay put and don't do anything I won't get what I want. My brain is telling me I have to look, move, change, be something else... When all of this discoveries are just softly telling me to just be and do nothing. It's like I don't know how to calm myself. I guess I just have to keep repeating the new concepts over and over again till they replace the old programming.
That's it, Angel. It's all about replacing the old voices, the old urgency, with the new truths that are resonating with you. Here's a way to tell the difference between the two; if you feel like you have to do something out of fear, it's old programming. If you feel like you want to do something because it feels right to you - and gives you a sense of peace and happiness - that's you feeling empowered, coming from a place of you being the one doing the choosing. Can you feel that difference? Try it out and see if it becomes more clear to you in those moments.
Had been with my fella for 2 years.Met him when a just turn 19 .. everything was so good then we fell out for about a month he slept with someone else . I got back he beg and beg me to go back and a did .. clueless he slept with someone else then a found out about by going through his phone she was pregnant .. He said he didn't know how to tell me never felt so sick in all my life . So wee got through it and wit not he said the baby wasn't his . Then months later we fell out again and I was out with my brother and I got some boys number had been texting him and somehow my ex got wind of it and he beg and beg me to come bk and everything was great . Until he started going distance with me and hardly talking I thought no way I ain't going though this again so a ended it last week but am so lost without him . I don't know where I am without him and it's also annoying he worked so hard to get me back and he chucks it away ? Why he's no botherd contact me atal I work with him so I am going to probz bump into him . I just don't know where I stand with him is he going to come back to me or is this really it ? When we are together we are good and he does try his god dam hardest but when he starts to act all different I know something is up. And I can't deal with this all the time and I know he really does love me but I don't know if I am coming or going help 🙁
Draw your own line in the sand, Nikki. He's going to do what he wants to do regardless of what you want him to do - as you've seen by your past history with him. Don't wait for him to come around and figure it out; you figure it out. Living like this can only be crazy making! What does Nikki need? What does Nikki want? If what you want and need aren't what he's consistently showing you he's capable of giving you, then he can't be right for you. No one is meant to live like this, to deal with this all the time, not knowing if they're coming or going. But you've made it so easy for him to be confused with you, to act like this, to give you so little while getting so much from you in return, that he has no reason to do anything different. But you do! For you, for your own beautiful life, for all that you have to give someone who's on the same page as you consistently. You deserve nothing less, beautiful!