It's what I like to call the Trap of Validation.
We’re so used to getting our validation from external sources. Just the idea of getting this validation from ourselves, just the thought of us being enough to validate ourselves seems so foreign.
We can’t understand what that would even look like.
But take away the ability of anyone except yourself to validate you, and you become more powerful on your own than anyone outside of yourself could ever cause you to be.
We do this to ourselves.
This holding ourselves hostage because of our fear of being alone. This holding ourselves back, keeping ourselves down, holding us back from being all that we are and all that we can be of our own accord, simply because we've been so programmed to believe our worth is found in being with someone, in being a partner, of being a wife, of being a significant other.
And what’s beneath that...what’s really beneath that?
Proof that someone found us worthy. Proof that we’re “enough” for someone to want to marry us, to become part of that echelon that our culture still sees as the proof of our worthiness – being happily married.
Anyone can get married; yes, if that’s all that we’re looking for any of us can find someone to marry us. But as we all know, or eventually come to realize, it’s always about so much more than just that.
We insist on it being someone who we didn't think we could get, whose selection of us gives us a special kind of validation, because subconsciously he always represents someone else from a different place and time who we never could get. That’s why he holds such power over us, because it’s not about him, it’s about us and our subconscious beliefs.
Fly in the face of that pressure to conform, to be someone you’re not. Don’t give your power away like that. Don’t give yourself away like that.
You’re not here to make anyone love you, to convince anyone of your worth. You’re not here to prove you’re lovable, worthy, the marrying kind, the kind that mothers and aunts and grandmas can celebrate because you've finally got your man.
They fell for it, too.
Take your own power back, my beautiful friend. This is your time. This is your time to grow your own wings and shine. Whatever it is that stirs your soul. Whatever it is that brings you to life and gives you that spring in your step and that smile on your beautiful face, let that be your lifeblood, not a mere mortal man.
Yes, love is wonderful when you’re with someone who’s on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do. Yes, it’s wonderful to be with someone you can share your hopes and dreams with, who you can walk through this life together. But equal to this, and in some cases, even above par with this if you've never known yourself in this light of just how limitless your life can be, is what loving and accepting and celebrating yourself can do.
It’s what validating yourself on your own terms does for you. It’s this refusing to make anyone responsible for your happiness, this refusing to bow to what you wrongfully assume someone else knows better than you, that allows you to feel how good it feels to finally be validated for you.
Are you seeing this? No one’s doing this to you, it’s what YOU do to you!
Don’t do this to yourself any longer. That’s not love. Bowing to any external power is the farthest thing from love. It’s about having your own boundaries and pulling yourself in close whenever you’re around someone who dares try to pull you into their negative vortex where you live for that validation, for that acceptance of you that you require from no one, if you’ll only first find it in yourself.
When you hear me say, “Find it in you!”, this isn't just a cliché, it’s where it all begins.
It’s how it all happens.
When you know who you are, when you accept yourself on your own terms, when you define yourself by the terms you choose and not the ones that are thrown at you without any say of your own; this is how you come to find what you’re really looking for underneath all the surface things we fool ourselves into believing we are. It’s not those.
It’s how you free your soul and your life. It’s how you live what we’re always talking about here. It’s so easy to live in chains when you can’t see them, when the weight of carrying what everyone else puts on you goes unnoticed because it’s a habit you've been engaged in for far too long.
But none of this goes unnoticed to that innermost part of you that knows what’s going on and keeps fighting to bring you into a level of awareness where you can see this for yourself. Everything that’s happened to you, everything that keeps happening to you, there’s a reason. It wants you to know. It wants you to see this for yourself. It needs you to because it’s you.
This is no way to live, no way to be, no way to keep excusing what’s happening to you like this. There’s a reason for it all. It wants to wake you up so you can see this with the same set of eyes that the ones who have made this journey themselves understand all too well.
It’s your turn.
Time to see. Time to open to what might possibly be. Time to find your voice, your you, the place where you begin and another person ends. Time to find what’s been lying silent for so long, waiting. Is it time? Almost?
It’s more than time, but it has to come from you.
See her.
That’s you.
Feel her.
That’s you.
Touch her heart.
That’s you.
No more groveling, no more settling for crumbs instead of standing tall with your head held high.
I’m right here with you, I've walked in your shoes. I still fall into them from time to time. Let’s do this together. Let’s take that chance on you. You’re worth it. You have what it takes. It’s not just something everyone else can do, this taking a chance on you. You can do it too. And I’m not going to ever stop trying to convince you until you know it for yourself.
And then you'll finally be free.
Thank you. I see me now
So glad, Lucinda.
I love your thinking. ..i refuse to be fooled by my emotions so quickly and feel sorry because a man had nothing and i helped him and paid for a lot of things for him, now he is whete he wants to be , but me I'm left in the cold, he doesn't even call but i deserve better. Live and learn.
And you do, Cindy; so much better. So glad this resonated with you!
Lately I have been experiencing several small changes in how I feel. The moments in which I have truly felt free, even if it's been just for short periods of time, are the moments in which I haven't cared about what others say or think about me. It is just so liberating. I haven't been able to feel that every single minute of the day though. Sometimes I feel like I fall back into old patterns rather easily. The good thing is that I spot myself and say: aha! Little one! You're doing it again. It is just baby steps. I somehow feel strange regarding meeting someone: it's like I want to meet someone, but at the same time I am scared of falling again for the wrong person and of doing the same old pleasing thing I do that ends up with me ignoring my own needs to get approval from someone else. I love how I have these little epiphanies, but I have to admit it seems like a long journey. I feel fragile still.
Hello Jane,
This article is spot on for me right now. You are right, when we are enmeshed with someone else, we forget how it is like to listen to ourselves. I've had a unique long distance relationship where we could read each other's mind, and be able to get to that mutual place regardless go the distance. But that changed, with him saying, he has met someone that they have a lot more common. So now it's time for me to dig deeper within myself to start seeing me again.
thank. I am encouraged
Dear Jane,
Today I was thinking to myself that I really want to write an article about singleness - I just wanted other people to understand what it means to be single in our society and how yet this is just a reality that is created for us that we don't have to buy into. So much of my life has been dedicated to my singleness, sadness at being alone and not being validated, not being loved, feeling different, not included, not valuable. I have a lot to say about it. But when I came home to my computer, I saw that the article that was in my heart has been written! This was so beautiful Jane. You have a lot of very deep and helpful articles, but this is the cream of them all. Thank you. Like someone said above - need to print it out and keep it by my side.
Thank you, Nally; I love hearing from you. So glad this one resonated especially with what was on your heart. 🙂
For me being in the proces for two years almost of being and living single...
I see that i am sometimes not like the norm, I don't date weekly and yes I am not in a relationship for
Over almost 4 years. I must say the thing that hold me was my ex. I guess in a unhealthy way I needed his validation
And just to be in a relationship.
I see now that it was me, who projected. I needed time to clean up myself from the inside, you can say.
I needed time to sport and read, meet new people.
Offcourse the outside world as my co workers or friends do not know this.
I have not yet met the guy, I am also not dating. I am open fot it. I am not ready for on line dating yet.
It is like a kind of insecurity that lead me to wanting validation.
I even want it now sometimes, but i do believe as you have written. When you are you & know
Yourself.. Validation can come, and you can take it. But it can not break or make you, because you have
This kind of self esteem/power. I am working towards this. Sometimes it is difficult to brainwash yourself.
I only find it difficult to stay positive and believe that I will fall in love again, meet a
Great guy who I can build a relationship with.
Seeing your friend or coworkers getting into relationships easy, as a single women I do
Feel sometimes like "when will I" ..
But then again let's get back to reality, I need to clean my kitchen 🙂 haha
When you're so clear about what it is you're really looking for, you won't be able to avoid if it you tried, Maris. It's from that clarity that everything becomes clear, including the where and how and who of someone who is exactly what you're looking for even though you never before would have been able to recognize him! 🙂
Hi Jane : )
This post you wrote actually made me cry. It opened my eyes and my heart for myself. It made my realize that one of the main reasons I stand for my on and off again exs crap, sorry hope I can say that, but I stand for it is thinking I need his validation. I dont know why. I don't get it often. But somehow I hold on hoping that im good enough. Pretty enough. When the truth is I am a great person obviously deserving better. And I am very pretty. He makes me feel ugly by depleting my self esteem through verbal and mental abuse. I am printing your post to keep it handy and read it everyday and when I get weak when he tries to call. Thank you for making me stronger.
I hear you, Claire. And you're so not alone! I'm so glad you're seeing this so clearly for yourself. It's when we see the reasons behind our choices - and why we put up with the things we do - that we can start to do things differently. Thank you for sharing. You are always enough - just by being who you are!
It is funny you've written this as I was looking up this at the weekend. I just realised that this is exactly what I've been doing for the past 20 years!! I am newly single again after being horribly Houdined by a man I was with for about a year. I'm all for working on myself and have been looking at all of my past relationships for patterns of behaviour. This is definitely one of my patterns. Its hard to admit but I have been looking for validation for years! I've had a few moments lately where I've actually craved any attention at all, this is what made me google validation! I didn't know why I felt like this but am beginning to understand. I'm not going to seek external validation any more. However hard it is I'm going to validate myself from now on. Its exactly like you say Jane, I've been getting crumbs and have struggled to feel worthy. Your articles are great 🙂 thank you for writing this, its turned out to be a bit serendipitous for me!!
I'm so glad the timing of this post resonated with where you were at this weekend, Lizzie. You're not alone in this - no matter how long it's been, so many of us only know this way of living our lives, and that's exactly why it changes everything when you discover this freedom of no longer requiring someone else to give this to you. Such a journey to learn this, but so worth what it changes in you. Thank you! 🙂
Hi!Jane I met this guy its almost a year now since we've been together,Everything started slowly up untill now,we are so inlove. I feel at peace when I'm with this guy even if we face a challenge we work on it both of us,So yesterday he started talking about having a child together,and he was serious about and since I've been divorced and I have kids of my own,and he never married and is younger than me,I never thought I can hear that subject again,So he was so disappointed when I said I'm not sure if I want. A baby again....I need your advice on this,I could see he was so disappointed, I love him so much!
You can love someone so much, Ruth, but if you're not on the same page, if you both want different things, you have to decide what having him in your life is worth to you. And so does he! If there's any room to give on this point - for either one of you - that's how you'll know you're both on the same page, because you'll be able to make this work in a way that honors both of you. But you have to first be true to both yourselves and be honest about what you can live with and what you can't or you'll only resent the other for wanting something different. It's why getting to know someone is so important - these are the conversations you need to have with someone in the very real process of finding out just how compatible you are in the things that matter most to both of you!
Very well said, Jane! Just what I needed to hear to remind myself that I'm worth it. I know what's going on...and yet I still let it happen. I need to take my chances to see and feel myself and touch my heart. And when that time comes and I know there should be no more waiting and no what IFs. I just have set myself free 'coz I deserved to be happy. Thanks Jane and everyone for sharing!
You've got it, Elle! You are more than worth it!
This post. This post is worth more than I could possibly say. Beyond platinum medal. It just resonates with me so much I should just print it out and frame it and hang it on my wall.
If only we could all, all of us amazing women just get it with every fiber of our beings, we would be able to change the world for good. This, not understanding this is what has kept us settling for not coming into our real power. Not the masculine version of power we as human beings partially know, but the feminine power: beauty, kindness, infinite love, intuition, creativity and compassion for all living creatures. How amazing would the world be if all of us understood we are more than just secondary/supporting roles in the history of humanity, in a world of men. I am striving to wrap my head around this to be free. Beautiful, Jane. Thank you so much.
Thank you for your kind words, Angel. You know I've been there; this doesn't come naturally for me either. Take it in slowly. Break it down into where you are right now and start from there. It is a lot to wrap your head around, I know! When we come from different places where seeing things like this - like you are! - are never part of the conversation, going from there to here doesn't happen overnight. Be with where you are, but at the same time, be so proud of yourself for being in a place where you can see yourself in the beautiful light of who you really are, with all the innate power you possess just because you're you - where you can see in yourself all the potential that you have to become more than you ever thought was possible! It will happen. Slowly, but surely, more and more of us are coming to this and realizing that it doesn't have to be the way it's always been, beginning right where we are, wherever we're coming from, whoever we are, wherever we've been. It's our mindset that changes everything!
In the past I've had 5 ex's n everytime I was with 1, marriage comes to my mind n think of my future name if I became a wife, I'm single at the moment, my future is to be married with no children which I find hard. When I meet a man I imagine seeing myself with him but I don't tell any of my friends or family or the man himself. The last guy who was my friend n maybe come back soon in 3-4 months time had a long last name like Dutch have a van on it. I kinda tell myself do I want to marry someone who's Dutch n my mum is part Dutch n she used to be a van. So I kinda makes it difficult, I wrote it down. I've left this shy guy who's Dutch alone since February n he accepted my greetings n said thanks... Back to me on fb inbox, I really like this guy n I know from experience he will be very busy for the next 3-4 months with music,sport & work commitments n who goes to bed early, wakes up early, rarely txts. Last year I remember texting him everyday In his busy schedule n this year I'm gonna leave him alone n get on with it. 1 of my girlfriends is struggling with her single life n just broke off with a guy who's not shy n is not Dutch n the guy who's Dutch is on her list n I keep telling myself I bet he's had enough of my friend in common n wanna tell him I've had enough of my girl friend who keeps posting too much stuff on Facebook n it gets me frustrated n my best friend told me it's his choice. She even said to all her friends she would remove some ppl n sorry if she did n I think plz delete this guy I like n I thought I hope he says to my friend who's deleting says to her "if u don't delete me, I will delete u n go back to square 1 (me) n move on" things r just so tough for me right now
Remember that you're in control of your own life, Courtney. That means you're the one doing the choosing and if someone doesn't want to be with you, you don't want to be with them!
hi jane
i dated a guy for four years we went through so much , he had an accident and almost lost his life n i stood by him n when he finally got himself good. he called me up and said he met someone who was there for him.. i was devasted at first but i got over it.. well atleast i thought i did.
we have been talking for some time now and i travelled down for a mutual friends wedding and saw him... unforunately we made out(i feel stupid about it) but since then i havent been able to get him off my mind.
i feel distracted and stupid
how do i get myself
Don't put such judgement on yourself, Priscilla. Distracted and stupid aren't words that you deserve to be labeled with by anyone, and especially not by you. It's how we see this more clearly, when we accept our own humanness, when we see what we're willing to do to ourselves to feel less alone, to feel less unworthy, to feel wanted and loved, even if we know it's not real. You get yourself back - I'm assuming that's what you meant? - by being compassionate with yourself, by accepting your own humanness and by wrapping your arms around that little girl inside yourself who needs to know it's ok to be human, it's ok to make a "mistake". We do the best with what we know at the time. We've all been there; you're not alone. I tell my coaching clients all the time that whatever they end up doing, it's ok because sometimes the only way we can see what we need to do for ourselves is by doing enough of the opposite so that it finally sinks it. I've so been there, Priscilla! When you realize this is about you and not him, you give yourself the power to get yourself back, to move on in a way that gives you peace by accepting the reality of what is, knowing that this doesn't take anything away from you.
Wow your posts always come at the right time. I managed to break the spell of my previous commitment phobe ex with a recent a wild night with a kind sexy slightly anarchistic guy I know from a group of friends. The weight lifted has been extraordinary.... this is after I have done so much work untangling myself for over ten months from the ex and his toxic shit that was the ex and our connection. Him with his games and baits and me with my neediness and wanting to control him by making him love me the way i wanted to be loved... committed and chemically! This one night totally transformed me.... my brother in law who is a scientist had said that for a broken heart to heal and move on there were two things scientifically that were required... the first was time. time.... literally heals all wounds and the other? Well that was sex with another person... something to do with chemicals or something... sure enough it worked... amazing stuff! But now on the third day after the event I am being so very careful not to fall into finding myself wanting validation from the guy through a phone call or text.... he is definitely not relationship material..... just a kind and sexy guy who I know.... part of me is feeling slightly panicky that I have heard from him..... but I am using this as a hard lesson to state clearly that its not about me and not to get into feeling bad about myself for not hearing from him. If he knew the beauty I held he would be there in a second (alright thats probably going too far but you know what I mean) . I am learning to not get bogged down in wanting from him or anyone else something to prove my own worthiness.... its a hard call for us as women to not denigrate ourselves by betraying ourselves when we seem to feel or be rejected or abandoned by men... when really we know they are no good for us! But in the times when we are alone or coming out of toxic shit or coming down from hot one night stands then we need to work extra hard and remain true to ourselves and honour that beauty inside. I trust in the universe to provide a good man who ticks the boxes and is committed.... in the meantime I will help it along by choosing to love myself the best I can under any circumstance. Jane love your work as usual! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you, Josie; I'm so glad this resonated with you! We all get to that place where we can see things so much more clearly in our own way and time, and It sounds like you're seeing this for yourself. No rules, no shoulds or should nots. Just lots of love and acceptance for ourselves wherever we are. "... in the meantime I will help it along by choosing to love myself the best I can under any circumstance." - Beautifully said!
The danger in allowing someone to be the source of validation is that if they realize it (they often do) don't be surprised if they exploit it.
Exactly why it needs to come from each of us, and not someone outside of ourselves!