Isn't that what we all really want?
To know if he’s the one - or not.
To know if he’s worth spending your time and energy on, or if he’s just going to be a waste of time. It’s that magic answer that seems so elusive.
How will I know?
We want that crystal ball. We want to know!
And underneath it all lies that all too familiar fear.
What if we’re wrong?
What if he is the one and we didn't hang on long enough to find out?
What if he’s not and we keep hanging onto someone while we’re missing the one who’s right for us in the meantime?
The fact of the matter is that there’s no absolute way to know for sure. That’s part of life.
Like anything, we take a chance on what we have and we take a chance on what we don’t. But the bigger point to this is knowing what chances are worth taking.
Just like any decision you make, it’s so important that you first know yourself what you’re really looking for and what you’re not. What qualities matter the most to you? What type of relationship are you looking for? Does he have those qualities? Is he looking for the same level of commitment as you?
There are no guarantees in love any more than there are any guarantees in life. But what is guaranteed, is that you can’t control anyone outside of yourself. You can’t make him love you, you can’t make him want to be with you, you can’t make him want to commit to you unless he decides to on his own and of his own accord. He has to want to.
If you’re questioning where he’s at, there’s a reason. There’s always a reason. When things are flowing along naturally these questions don’t just come up.
When you find yourself wondering where things stand, when you’re spending more time on the internet or in self-help books looking for your answers than getting them directly from the source, there’s a reason.
It’s either about you or about him
But one of you is giving you reason to question what’s going on between the two of you. And while it may be your own insecurities, your own past track record when it comes to relationships, chances are there’s something triggering them that’s bringing out your insecurities in the first place.
Because when you’re with someone who’s right for you, who’s truly compatible with you, it flows. You talk, you communicate naturally without feeling like you’re having the big "commitment conversation".
You’ll have that kind of conversation without it being such a deal breaker. It will seem like the next step in your relationship and won’t need any detailed explanation.
It’s no coincidence that you don’t come right out and ask him where you stand or that you’re asking everyone else what they think except him. It’s because you don’t really want to hear his answer. Deep down, if you go there, the reality is you think you already know.
You don’t want it to be what it is, and you’re hoping you've just missed something along the way.
You want everyone else to be wrong, and you want to somehow be that rare exception to the rule that puts someone’s actions and words to a reality check and discovers he really is different.
I know what that feels like and how much you can hang onto that hope to the detriment of yourself for far too long.
But what else I've figured out is that if you’re forcing something, if you’re putting out your feelers and finding what you can’t deny any longer, it’s time to get back to what you’re looking for and whether this is someone who can really give you that.
This is where you come in.
Is it really worth being with someone who can’t give you what you’re looking for just to be with someone?
Is it really worth compromising what you’re looking for – whether that be a committed relationship, marriage, kids, etc. – if his terms don’t include those things?
Is anyone worth what you’re putting yourself through trying to live a life that someone else is content with while overlooking the life that you yourself are meant to live?
We’re not just talking about today, we’re talking about tomorrow and the next day and the next. Because every day you settle, every day you compromise, is that much more time invested in someone that becomes that much harder to let go of if you find it’s not going to change, that he’s not going to change.
Because it is an investment. It’s your time and your energy, but it’s also so much more than that. It’s your hopes, your dreams, your future, your life. It’s all those things that keep so many of us putting months and years more into than we’d ever have willingly signed up for in the beginning if we knew nothing was going to change.
It’s time to stop buying into the fairy tale. It’s time to stop making all these cultural media saturated messages our own that tell us we can melt the coldest heart if only we’re enough of a woman to do it.
It’s time to let go of what isn't working – for you.
It time to stop expecting something to change when it hasn't so far.
It’s time to start believing what he’s saying, to start seeing what his actions are showing us that we’re so quick to have an excuse for.
It’s not helping. In fact, it’s only hurting us in the end. By keeping us hanging on longer, by keeping us investing more time and energy – and hopes and dreams and plans. When I say this is no way to live, I mean this is no way for you – for any of us – to live!
Don’t rely on that 1% chance that he might change. That he might become ready to commit. That he might by some sort of a miracle become the guy you think he’s so close to becoming if only he wanted to see that kind of change through.
Do what's right for YOU, and you'll know soon enough if he falls into that 1% category.
This article does touch deep down in my conscience .The moment that my heart tells me that he's not in the same page as me and my sixth sense tells me that there is a feeling that the future holds something for us.Reality or imagination? Why does the mind/emotions always finds a way to wonder around to avoid to deal with the truth?Reality check is a difficult task.Even when I deal with the truth and confront the person and decide to move on I still feel guilty.The time to process the changes, to assume a new attitude and to see the bright side can be difficult when you struggle with the fears of the unknown even if you feel that you took the right decision. For sure I love this part of the text:"It’s time to let go of what isn't working – for you.
It time to stop expecting something to change when it hasn't so far.
It’s time to start believing what he’s saying, to start seeing what his actions are showing us that we’re so quick to have an excuse for."
To all the readers, I can only say be strong and positive.We are all in the same boat ,with the advantage that we are the captains of our life.Whenever we want and ready to sail we will take this boat to a safe haven.To you Jane thank you so much .To read you is a pleasure.
Thank you, Avassaladora. Love how you've articulated how this article resonates with you! You give us the questions that give us reason to question deeper and become the women we are meant to be.
Dear
U ve said d real tin " natural communication' t one focusing on him,
Anyway,,, I want to heard dat sometimes in knowing whether he is or not,, my church says God reveals it to d lady in d way she usually understand wen God speaks,, den if u ve finally know he is d one, d church bars communication between d two of u.. while following d marital processes expect u r now courting n it will b in an open known family house...
Ok..you dated a wrong person. He gave you mixed signals. The gut feelings said something is not all right. You tried talking to that person. He fought with, instead of being sorry he put allegations on you. Called you impatient and mad. You broke up. Moved on.
Now even after 6 months... He is happily ruining others' life and I am here still regretting and feeling bad about my past. I moved on. But how should I forget him completely. I know he is busy cheating and playing with other girls the way he did to me. Even now when I hear about him I tend to feel upset. How do we forget bad memories? We'll there were not any good. I was completely heartbroken. But I survived. I tried talking to close people. But the question is how to forget. How to stop feeling sorry?
Hi Jane. Love your articles!! I've come to realize that if a man's actions are commensurate with his words then that is a strong indication that he is serious about being with you in a committed relationship. This type of man is a man of honor in my opinion. If a man has expressed to you that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you and you both are in the same place, in the same space, at the same time (having the same goals for the relationship, I.e. marriage, children) and everyday both of you are working to accomplish those goals then the relationship is not one sided. It's two people wanting the same thing at the same time. I found this out the hard way but I am now convinced that a man is only as good as his word. Thank you Jane for shedding a bright light on many relationship issues that women so often face.
Thank you, Erika! You've got this; someone's actions will always be consistent with their words when they are who and what they say they are. You're not alone in finding this out the hard way - it's the way most of us do - but it doesn't matter how, only that we do!
Dear Jane,
I thought i could accept it. I am dating and i met this great guy.
I showed him all the signs that i like him.
He also told me he is dating too like me!
I send him a text message & birthday card.
In the message i said. If you are willing and want to see me
, i am here for you. I think you are a kind man!
He answered with oke a heart and a kiss ..
( i guess he will reconsider)
Only now i am making it difficult for myself.. When is he going to ask me out
Or does he like me that much .. Like i do him ...
I am dating others etc.. Only thing i am thinking is; damn it why won t he text me 🙁 ..
It has been 1 day..
On the other hand i think ; if he likes me, he will let me know in a few days. He is like me
Dating... Choosing what he likes!
I am tired haha
It's what we do so well, Maris - this "making it difficult for myself". It is tiring! But what is that bright spot for you to see is that it is only in your own mind that this happens. The part of you that knows the difference between what's real and what's only the story we tell ourselves knows that "if he likes me, he will let me know in a few days. He is like me Dating... Choosing what he likes!" We're all so very human. 🙂
This is a great article. If everyone would think of themselves and control their emotions, it would be easier to recognize a good relationship when one shows up. Great relationships flow easily. You don't need to ask or demand or wonder where you stand. The two of you continue being individuals who enjoy spending time with each other. One big mistake people make is changing yourself to become the person you think your mate wants you to be. They were attracted to you, so stay true to yourself and continue to be the beautiful person you are.
Exactly!
You know deep down what he really feels, but you keep lying to yourself in order to keep the dream alive!
Because in your heart of hearts, you always know.
I am afraid I'm missing out on something great because I'm stuck with a man who doesn't want me.
Don't focus on what he wants or doesn't want. Focus on you and your sweet little boy, Tina - you're his world. What do you want?
I needed to hear what that email said. It's been four years. I gave him a son. I pretend to be his wife, but he still says he can't make me any promises. I keep waiting but it's a waste of time. He's had long enough to know if he wants me. He can't say it because he's sure he doesn't. I'm the fool.
Be kind to yourself. Choose your words wisely.
You are not a fool. You did what you could and thought was best for you. That son you gave to yourself. You gave life to that beautiful child. Be glad you are seeing things no matter how painful it is. Allow yourself release, compassion and to reevaluate your life once more. You are important. Essential. Without you, the world wouldn't be complete. So dig deep within you to find that which would honor yourself for the wonderful woman you are.
Lots of love to you.
Beautifully said, Angel. Thank you.
You're a beautiful woman who didn't just "give him a son", Tina; you gave your precious son the gift of life. That's you! You're no fool; you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. We all do.
You got to the point and I agreed with you 100%. The decision about selecting and accepting a relationship should always start from me. After several mistakes, I finally realized that I have to do my homework by knowing ME very thoroughly and stand by what I believe is right for me. My friends said that I have the spirit of a Samurai.
Thank you Jane, this article couldn't have come at a better time for me!
My 3 year relationship ended just over 3 months ago with no contact with each other at all. Last night he appeared at my home without letting me know he was coming! It felt strange, I felt sad, angry, hopeful that maybe he had changed, but he was "just dropping off the rest of your things". I was on my way out with my friend right at that moment and felt a bit lost because it was so out of the blue.
My friend said she'd go and leave me and him to talk, which we did. He said he's changed a lot and got more honest and when I asked why he didn't text or call or email to let me know he was coming, he said he had deleted my numbers etc. I was standing there looking at him, loving him with all my heart, but trying not to show him. He told me he's not ready to be with anyone because he can't handle it at the moment and I told him I understood that. We flirted lightheartedly but both realised, if we acted on lust, then we'd/I'd feel worse. It was so difficult and I just wanted to hug and kiss him, but, thankfully I didn't. I thanked him for bringing my belongings and we went our separate ways. Now I just feel drained and shaky because I went against my usual outdated unhealthy behaviour and did the exact opposite 🙂 Do you think I'm maybe getting a bit healthier?
Love
Donna xxx
Yes! That's how you know you're seeing this for what it is, Donna, when you can look at both your feelings and what you so want it to be and the reality of what he can and can't give you - and then choose to say "no, I deserve better" or "no, this will only leave me feeling worse". That's what doing the choosing is all about! So much more than feelings; it's about accepting the reality of what is that you can't control. 🙂
I've been thinking about what I want etc in future in the last 5 months
I left him n haven't had no contact both ways since February 4 n I did leave him alone during the 5 months, when he said "thanks.." On his birthday 10/7 I thought I wonder if he's changed n I wasn't expecting to see a straight answer back.
After the 10 July I decided to leave alone n give him a chance to add me back on fb n msg me too but in the past 2 weeks he hasn't fb msg'd me n I'm thinking of giving him a friend request on thu n idk if 5 months is enough break time. If he was to decline me I thought maybe wait til New Year's Day n start off with a new year so I thought I a) send him a friend request on thu coming up or do I wait for Xmas/ New Years. I'm finding it hard to make the decision right now, I don't wanna be declined by him on friend requests.
I've known this guy for 10 months n still remember what he likes etc.
I came to a point where if I add him on fb this thu I know he would be really busy between October - dec as a business window cleaner n musical commitments n I thought jan 2015 n mar would be his off time n has less work to do.
When I was with him last year I thought yeh he's the 1 but at the same time he's a very shy guy, I'm quite shy myself when it comes to msg him on fb n I was shy giving him birthday greetings n was nervous he won't reply back n when I sent the msg on fb I felt kinda guilty but when he said thanks.. I was expecting him to say more like "thanks for not hassling me on fb, u r good friend n I would like to catch up with u again soon hopefully"
I've dreamt him giving me msg'd n fb request. I asked my mum N she says she can't help n it's my decision. Do I wait for Xmas/ New Year's Day when he's quiet or do I add him thu n if he accepts me do I just leave him n let him focus on his music commitments like private 1s n work.
I'm finding it hard right now
Ps I 1x dreamt he accepted my friend request, n would it be too late if I was to give him a request on fb this thu/ Xmas n nye. I kinda think is 5 months enough to leave a guy I like alone or would I leave him alone for another 6 months towards jan 15
Pour all of your exuberant energy you're spending on someone who isn't on the same page as you onto you, Courtney. You deserve to be loved by someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, who's on the same page as you, who will never need to be convinced of your worth.
This is a great article. Currently I'm involved in an extremely casual situation with a guy. We've been going back and forth with fighting. I'm busy working on myself so now I haven't lost my temper with him and am in acceptance more, that he is not emotionally available or mature enough for a committed relationship. Unfortunately I have deep abandonment wounds so this kind of distant and casual thing somehow feels normal, my family is very distant to my life. I do worry that I'll never have what my heart truly desires, and deeply committed relationship. However every time I break it off he comes back and I give it "one more try" Now I have lowered all of my standards and this is the only reason we are semi-getting along. I guess I stay involved because every time I try to leave it doesn't work, and I'm also trying to practice not reacting impulsively when I get upset.. But I do wonder, is there more out there for me? Do I deserve more? I don't know..
So much more, Kylie! The hardest part is just realizing that it's only when we refuse to settle for less that we discover that we don't have to! There's a different type of guy out there for you who isn't like what you're used to, who isn't going to be a representation of what you're used to that reminds you of your past and what's "comfortable" to you. Just being able to recognize the similarities and what's underlying your patters is huge, Kylie. With the support you're getting and the new ways of seeing you're finding, seeing who you really are and what you deserve will come. It's the being loving and compassionate with ourselves along the way that's a much a part of this process as anything else. When you see yourself for all that you are - and all that you bring to someone who's worthy of you! - it begins to change everything. It's coming, Kylie. We don't get there overnight when we have such a distance to travel; I understand that part more than you know.
I agree, it's been a challenge to be loving and compassionate towards myself. I think my brain goes into auto-pilot thinking "what's wrong with me" "I'll never be good enough." Being compassionate with myself somehow rarely occurs to me.. Well I hope you are right that I deserve more, it just feels so far away, and every time I try I end up hurt and unhappy. For now I'm just happy that I'm not feeling angry and disappointed in my situation, just accepting it for what it is. I think that's the first step for me, cause every time I try to change it it back fires on me.
That's such an important first step, Kylie - "just accepting it for what it is". It's in this acceptance of wherever we are - in whatever "is" - that we find our peace.
Right..
i too was also involved in extremely casual relationship with a guy for over year. He really had me believing that he was interested in me. People who know us both also thought we were a couple. But we were just friends. Sometimes more than friends Really good friends. When I express my feelings and wanted to take it to the next level he ran. Now we have no contact. It's been over five months and I'm still struggling with the thought of what I thought was it. For him he liked things the way they were. For me it wasn't enough. What confuses me is that he talks about wanting to meet someone . He talked like it was me but it never was .
They can say all the right things, Traci, and really believe it's what they want to, but in the end, it's always about their actions and behavior that tell you the whole story. Don't take it personally, it's never, ever about you.
Hi, Jane.
I love your articles so much. I think they come from a place of great wisdom. Thank you so much for the time you put into them to try and help us all.
I am not sure of what it would look like to be with someone with whom you don't need to have the talk. I think I will be shocked the day I get to experience that.
I feel like I have done this my entire life, like I have been trying to convince them all that I am great and now I know why. It's because I wasn't all too convinced I was great to begin with.
I have discovered a great deal of issues I have been dealing with subconsciously and how they all play a role in my non-relationships with these men. I hope that one day I can get past my fear of rejection and intimacy and the false believe that no one likes me as a woman. I've let myself be friendzoned for so long I am struggling to get out of the circle. I know that being aware minimizes the strength of the problem, but there are days in which I just feel like I can't really visualize a life with that man who is right for me.
I will keep working on myself.
Thank you for helping me get started on this process of transformation.
Keep going, Angel. Awareness is always the first part and the rest will come in time - in your own time. I remember that darkness, that silence, that seemed to last for an eternity for me where nothing seemed to change and no one seemed to answer. Don't fight it, it's how we all get to where we want to be. You're already that beautiful, confident woman who never needs to convince anyone of your worth; you only need to see that and you're there! But don't let the fact that you can't see how you're going to get to that point stop you from incorporating that into your everyday life right now when you catch yourself forgetting that you're not there yet. With practice, with releasing those blocks that keep you living in the old story, with choosing what makes you feel loved and adored and letting go of anything that has you thinking less of yourself and all you have to offer, this new reality will become your own. No more friend zones, no more deferring to everyone else instead of you. You're the one who's doing the choosing; change that mindset and things will begin to change, no matter how long it seems to take. It's ok! 🙂
Thank you. This is a great article, and exactly what I needed. Its never about the woman or man being the right person to make their partner change. The individual has to want to change for the union.
That is what has annoyed me about our culture, when they say, when the right man or right woman meets theri partner they will change. No!! Only a person with that realisation and self aware will change. My parents and friends use to say that when I dated guys, thank god I had my wits about me and left, knowing full well their character will never change. But what sucks is when you meet someone who wants to change, and then quits. Thats what hurts Jane. Hurts to this day. How do you deal with that?
Many of us women think we are right and decent women, but a relationship is not about being right, i dont need my ego stroked, i also want to learn and have that realisation mechanism where I want to grow too for the better of "US". Both people should be equal and be the prize, not one person, not just the woman or man. Both people should be equals to be a Team. Just sucks there are sometimes great men but have been damaged by the wrong women.
I hear you, Realist - and I'm so glad this resonated with you. I know it hurts when someone isn't willing to go any further with their own progress, but if you release that as his issue and not yours, if you can recognize that you can only control yourself and not anyone else, then you don't "own" anything that isn't yours to own. You don't take on something that isn't yours to take on. And you remember that it's never personal; it's only about what each of us are capable of at any given time. It's not about who's "right" or "wrong", it's about who's on the same page - and truly compatible in all the ways that matter - and who's not. No matter how hard it is for us to see when we're in the thick of it, being saved from someone who would only bring more heartbreak in the end is always a gift - just ask your future self who has the benefit of hindsight. She knows.
Hi Jane,,, One great sign,, he is making time for you,,, your not making time for him ,, like we alway did, only if return. Showing hiw he loves and cares for you. If the man is not showing interest he's just not in to you. Ladies/girls fo not settle you are so worth it trust me you are. You young girls,,, dont marry the first guy,,,,, or all your friends are married and your not,, don't do it. I know I said more here but hold out for the one. I still am. !!!
Thanks for adding this, Cindy; great advice! It's so true that it's his actions that always reveal his true level of interest. That's how you know what's really there - not by you doing all the work. Wise words when you've been there, too.