Our beautiful reader, who has signed her name "Defeated", is desperately looking for advice on surviving a breakup. She has spent the last 5 and a half years with her boyfriend only to have him suddenly breakup with her and move to another city.
Here's her story:
Hi,
I could do with some advice..
My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years. We lived together for 5. We hardly ever argued and loved each other very very much.
It was a good relationship, we had no issues about control, trust, money. We integrated into each others families, our parents met. It was a serious relationship. We shared so many good times together and supported each other completely through both good and bad.
The problem we did have was that he couldn't commit further. I remember clearly a conversation we had about a year and a half into our relationship, I told him that this was it for me that I knew he was who I wanted to settle down with. That by the time I was 30 I wanted to be either married or engaged to him.
I told him my biggest fear was being single at 30 and having to start again.
Well fast forward a few years and out of the blue he breaks up with me. Ends a 5 and a half year long relationship in less than half an hour.
It was a month before my 30th birthday.
No arguments lead up to it or anything. He was still telling me he loved me and planning to take a trip abroad together right up until the morning when he just woke up, sat me down and said 'I can't do this anymore'.
Its now 2 months since that terrible morning and I can't move on.
He says that we need to cut all contact. He acts like he wants to block me out completely. He's even moved to a different city, 6 hours away. But..we are supposed to meet up in September to see if he's changed his mind.
He says that he doesn't know. That he doesn't think he will want to get back together and if he had to decide now he'd say he doesn't want to but that having time apart might change the way he feels and that- if I want to- I can give him time to see if it does and so that he can be 100% sure.
Of course I want him to be sure and of course I'm going to cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me. I love him and want it to work so have to give it every chance possible but its just so hard.
He says that its not fair on me if he asked me to wait but he's done it by saying 'if you want to wait till September you can'. Do you know what I mean?
I feel like I'm going crazy! How can I let him go yet wait for him to decide at the same time?! Its impossible. This means that I can't even grieve the relationship properly because it may not be over for good. I can't not wait for him to decide.
He says he knows its him who has the problems, that there's nothing he would change about me and nothing I've done wrong yet when I get angry at him and push him to better communicate what he feels he then starts saying its that we grew apart, that he really felt like he was very distant from me.
It hurts that he's able to not contact me when the longest I've been able to go without contacting him is 3 days.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
- Defeated
My response:
I so hear your pain, Defeated. It's never easy surviving a breakup like this. I feel the depth of your heartbreak.
When you say you’re willing to “cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me”, you can know that you've given your power away.
Of course it feels crazy.
Of course it’s hard to do this, because it’s not what we’re meant to do. It’s not what real love is about. Love is never about making anyone commit to us, or love us, or give us what they don’t have to give.
It may have been that you turning 30 – and the terms you set for that “milestone” - was in the back of his mind as a milestone for him, too. He came to terms with where he was at and what he was able to give you, and recognized that he wasn't there on the same page as you.
And so you heard where he was at when he said “if you want to wait till September you can'.” He’s put the ball in your court letting you know where he stands, and leaving it up to you what you want to do with that.
Don’t wait for September, Defeated. You’re not defeated! You’re empowered! You set the terms of what you knew in your heart you were not willing to settle for and now you know what his terms are. This is huge! Now you know what page he’s on. Now you know what he can and can’t give you. I know it may not feel that way right now, but knowledge is powerful!
I have a feeling you’re questioning yourself more than anything else. You’re not sure if you have a right to say what you need and refuse to settle for anything less than that. You’re afraid you made a mistake by setting your own boundaries and making them known to him.
Don’t second-guess yourself. We say what we do for a reason. We define what it is we’re looking for so we can find it. We remain true to ourselves so we can live with ourselves.
As hard as it is to accept this, the reality is that someone can only be the one who’s right for you if they want to be that one.
Don’t blame yourself, don’t look back with regrets at what you didn't do or didn't know or wish you’d done differently. Start right where you are right now with a huge dose of self-love for who you are and what you bring to the table. Nothing’s changed. You’re still the beautiful woman with so much to offer someone who’s looking for the long-term picture the way you are.
Don’t put your life on hold between now and September. Find it in you, D. Trust me, it's there.
The key to surviving a breakup like this is to start creating the life that you were made for. There’s a world out there for you to find and discover that will resonate with your heart and soul and the longing you have for someone to share your dreams and your life with you.
Surround yourself with the people who love and support you, discover the activities and hobbies and things that you’re passionate about and bring more of what you want into your life.
Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive and what shows you all the beautiful things about this life of yours.
This isn't about giving up on a dream; it’s finding out what the dream really was and if it was only your own.
I know the last thing you wanted to do was to start over. I know you feel you shouldn't have to. I know you’re angry that you’re in this position.
And underneath all those feelings is so much fear.
But you’re not alone and you’re going to get through this to the other side and discover the life that will make you happier than you ever could have been otherwise. With someone who’s on the same page and wants the same thing and doesn't have to be convinced of this by anyone outside of himself.
And most importantly, let go of the September timeline. It doesn't mean anything unless something changes on his end, and that can come at any time – or not. But don’t build your life around it. If he gets on your page, if he comes to where you are, you’ll absolutely be the first to know.
You’re the living, loving kind, not the waiting kind. And right now, you've got a life to live.
Love,
Jane
What do you think Defeated should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
I addition, I always threaten him that I will walk away from his life but I end up calling him the next minute and he doesn't believe me that I can live without him, whenever I say that he emotional blackmail me saying I always do what I want to do, If i want to go I go and If I want to stay I stay and I am a roller coaster which I is false accusation, he just knows my weakness.I want to get my control back and prove him that I am worth something as well.This relation has harmed my social life, professional life and everything. If somebody says something bad I feel like its me who is weak and bad and i get hurt so easily.I am just 25 and I don't want to give upthis easily on myself this soon as I have to see lots in future.I want to be prepared to fight .Please Jane, help.
-Little Wings
Little Wings,
You have already taken a big first important step you moved away from him.
Now you need to find strength to stop contacting him.. Yes it will be very very very hard.
Realize there is no way around it you have to go through the pain of the break up, the sadness, the loneliness, the feeling rejected etc.
However the prize at the end is that you regain self-esteem, you stop giving someone else control over your life. You can begin to really start your new life which is the reason you left the UK and moved back to your family.
Perhaps it might help if you look at it a different way. If the relationship you are in was your cousin or your sister instead of you in the relationship. Would you be happy for your them.? Or would you see it as someone you care about deeply having their feelings on a roller coaster because of someone who doesn't care about them enough.
He may care about you. But you are not the one he wants to have a committed life with. Not that we should look to Hollywood for celebrities but look at George Clooney. How many women lived with him for years and he said he wasn't going to marry yet he has been dating his current fiance less than a year and suddenly marriage.
The point is he made a decision. You need to accept the painful. At one time the relationship was good but it no longer meets your needs.
Every time you contact him you open yourself up to pain.
Write a list of all the benefits that you see from the UNCOMMITTED relationship he was in with you
Write a list of everything about the relationship you dislked including things like he snored,etc, how did he treat you with his friends, how did he show he cared etc
Let it sink in why this relationship caused you to move out of country. Tape the list to the telephone and remind yourself of that when you are tempted to call someone who doesn't have the same depth of feeling for you.
Each time you want to call him for the next week you have to write a letter to yourself saying all the things you would want to talk to him about if you phoned him. That way you get to vent your frustration.
Time to begin your life, because he has no intention of letting you fully be a part of his. You can do this
Alia
Thank you for stepping in here, Alia. Your heartfelt words and advice to Littlewings say so much. Thank you.
You never have to prove your worth to someone who's truly right for you, Littlewings. Remember that. You can't be the only one willing to fight for a relationship, for someone. Someone who loves you will never use your weakness against you. If it doesn't come from him - no matter how much we believe it's enough that we want to make it work, it's never enough. It always, always, takes two.
I am so pleased that I found this page which makes me feel like I am not alone and gives me courage to move on.
My relation was for 3 and half years and from the first day he said me he won't commit because of his family issues but I thought time and my love will change him so I took this relation forward. We were not less than husband and wife. I was a nagger and he was a bit sensible person so we argued about attention giving but we never broke up and went a day without communicating.But from the beginning till the end I was pleading him for commitment.Unknowingly I became so dependent on him that he became the most important person in my life. I must agree he cared for me but never agreed to commit. Then finally I took the decision, I left the country (United Kingdom) and came back to my family to start over new.
I saw him last when he came to drop me in the airport, we cried but he didn't stop me, all he said was its my decision to leave him if he won't commit so be brave and forgive him.There is not a day I don't call him day and night and don't cry from the beginning of our story till date, I go so mad and crazy that sometimes i feel i will end up in mental hospital.
I question myself where is my pride,self-respect and ego gone. I can see he loves me because I have seen him weeping for me but he never shows me because I am always the first one to give attention.I feel so humiliated and cheap at times for begging him continuously for commitment and attention.I have already left the place and came so far but I am not being able to move on, not at all.I feel so low and depressed. I want to start new and live fresh life but how? If anyone can help me,I need some practical tips on how not to beg him and make him realize my worth.
Hi, thank you so much for your stories and words of wisdom. I was with my ex for 4 yrs and he broke up with me at Xmas last year. Throughout the relationship he would withdraw for a couple go months citing needing time apart and time to think whenever we had any arguments. Those times tore me apart, I felt vulnerable, bitter and angry at his reasons for withdrawing especially when I had fallen so deeply in love with him. We discussed marriage and children and after year 2 he spoke of moving in together but that never materialised and I was too fearful of rocking the boat and standing my ground for fear of losing him. At the beginning of last year he buys a house out of the blue when I thought that he would of discussed it with me first. My daughter fell in love with him and started calling him daddy. At Christmas he ended the relationship based on a text he saw between me and best friend discussing a male friend we had both known for 12 yrs citing that I had slept with him!! He was so untrustworthy and even logged into my Facebook account to check any further correspondence between us. Post the split at the beginning of this year he was messaging me and even asked to park his car on the drive whilst he went on holiday. This upset me I was heartbroken not knowing which way I stood, I felt as though he was playing with my heart and my emotions. Since then we've been in a circle of blame. He has told me he's moved on and I should do the same but I don't know how to fall out of love. This was the man I wanted to marry and have chikdren with. I'm really lost and just can't seem to move on.
You knew, Lost. You knew in your heart that something was right, that he wasn't the one for you even as much as you wanted him to be. You say about his "withdrawing" from you that "those times tore me apart, I felt vulnerable, bitter and angry at his reasons for withdrawing especially when I had fallen so deeply in love with him." He wasn't there, as much as he may have wanted to be - or thought he could be - he wasn't on the same page as you. And you knew in your heart of hearts, the reality that he knew, too.
It's why you couldn't talk to him about any of this because you knew what would happen. Here again, you knew. "I was too fearful of rocking the boat and standing my ground for fear of losing him." You can't lose someone who doesn't want to be lost. Someone who isn't looking for an easy way out by finding a reason in something that isn't there won't use something like this against you.
But you already know this. That's why it hurts so much and you feel so lost because you've been living so long for someone else, putting all your eggs in one basket and letting him dictate the relationship. So now you see what was there all along just beneath the surface that he couldn't conceal any longer.
Release him and you from this dream that was only yours, Lost. It's ok. We fall out of love by remembering what real love is - and what it isn't - and recognizing which one we had. It hurts to be wrong, to want something so bad that we were only fooling ourselves that we had, but in the end, it's the only way it could ever be when two people aren't on the same page that they think they are. Move on to you, to your own beautiful life that's just waiting for you to see it. Take your own power back and forgive yourself for what you didn't know and couldn't see at the time. You did the best you could with what you knew. With what you longed for this to be. Sometimes this is the only way we come to see what we can't see any other way. And when you have the gift of hindsight, you will see it so clearly for yourself. Don't take any of his actions personally; this isn't a rejection of you!
Thanks, Jane
Hi defeated, so your situation sounds so much like mines, except for the fact we have been together for 4 years, I set my goals and he just up and left me out of his commitment issues. I was devastated I still am but ive learnt that I cannot make him change his mind and I need to live my life, I cannot go on waiting on him and he's not sure it is unfair and cruel what he has done to me. my advice to you would be allow yourself to heal and live your life without the expectation of him coming back, learn to love yourself without him, if he comes back it your decision to know if its what you want and you would be so much stronger and able to better decide, be strong n don't give up.
I'm 3 months after a divorce it's hard...would be 10 yrs July 31...
I'm sure it is, Lacy. Plan something special for yourself that day - something for you - so that it's a day of some other focus, instead of what could have been, or might have been, if only things could have been different. It wasn't all up to you, it had to come from him, too.
Dear Defeated, I almost teared up reading your story. I was in a relationship with a guy for almost five years. It started off as friends with benefits! I broke the rule! I fell in love with him! He told me from day one that he didn't want a commitment. I didn't believe him because it felt like more than just friends with benefits. He would drive two hours every other weekend to see me if I didn't visit him! He treated me like the queen that I am. We traveled several times a year, shared lots of gifts spent every holiday together, my boys liked him and his mother and I shared lots of gifts and loved each other. When a man tells you that they are not ready to commit no matter how their actions are you better listen! Out of all things he gave me! He couldn't give me what i truely wanted and desired. You can not get the time back that you spent or in some cases wasted if it wasn't good! He told me almost five years later that he loved me, but was not in love with me! That too me means that I was not the one! He went on to tell me that he was going to date his high school girlfriend after 31 years! He said that they re connected on Facebook. I was so heart broken! He wanted us to remain friends. He would continue to call periodically, and I would call him hoping that he would change his mind. I was only hurting myself by continuing to stay in contact with him.I prolonged my healing. He felt that we could be friends. I told him that we could not be friends right now! A few days before Mother's Day he told me that he was not coming! Reality really sat in! It was the first Special day that he didn't spend with me! He texted me that day saying Happy Mother's day! I responded by saying thank you. I decided to write him a letter asking him not to call me anymore. I talked about the good times and how I felt about things. I probably shouldn't have emailed it or snail mailed it to him. It was more for to clear my thoughts. He called me the next day. I didn't stay on the phone no more than a minute! I told him that I was out of town and he should check his email. I stayed in no contact with him for three months! It was one of the hardest thing to do! Each day it got easier. He called me three months later for his mom and I didn't answer, so he texted me asking me to contact his mom, but before I could call her. She called me! She wanted to buy some boots for me because it had been raining a lot! It's been a year and a half now and we are now able to be friends. Use the distant and time to heal and don't focus on getting back together with him! I used a journal to write my thoughts down daily. I found it to be healing. If you feel that counseling. It's nothing wrong with it! He knows where you are! He will contact you if and when he's on the same page as you are! ( You may no longer be interested!) You deserve to be happy with some one who loves and wants to be with you! I had to learn that! He has a right to be happy too with whomever he chooses! Remember that you are the prize and it's his loss!
Thank you for sharing your own story here, Sav; when you've been there, you understand this all too well. "He knows where you are! He will contact you if and when he's on the same page as you are! ( You may no longer be interested!) You deserve to be happy with some one who loves and wants to be with you! I had to learn that!" - Exactly!
You are not alone, and you are not defeated. You gave him your very best and you should take comfort in that. No regrets.
There are many stories out there, many of heartbreak, heart ripping meanness. Cold dismissal of someone who cared deeply for them. And when it comes from someone you care for, it is the worst kind of pain.
I am sorry you were hurt so bad. I know how it feels.
Thank you for your words of understanding here, Wayne. I know you do.
Dear D.,
Jane said it brilliantly- build a life on your own, fill your time with things that build you up and make you
happy. This man, I am sorry to say is a loser. He showed his true colors, you might think too late,
but yet it is not late. Imagine being married to him a couple of years with 1 or 2 kids and the pressure
related to that and one morning he tells you he can't do it any more, he cannot handle the pressure
of marriage. How would you feel them? Be grateful that he showed his true colors on time and try
to put him out of your mind completely. I know it's hard and wreching, but trough mind control you can!
So true, Jasmina; thank you for your perspective here.
Dear Defeated, It's going to be really hard for your heart to not
wait and hope for him. We just do that. And these kind of rejections
activate whatever insecurities and scars you already have, That can
make it even harder to not try anything to get him back, including
waiting but pretending to him, you are not. Don't set yourself up
for more hurt! It will make it that much harder to show the happy,
real you to a new person, because you'll be so sad.
I know, I recently did one of those.
You need to fill your life up so you feel good about yourself and the
world, and are having fun. Only this is going to make you able to move
on. Protect yourself! Do not allow him to hurt you again in
September by hoping he's changed his mind.
What are your interests? Do you like photography, but never have
pursued it? Enjoy a sport, but don't play it? Were you in theater at
school but haven't done it as an adult? GO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS,
NOW! You'll meet new people, find new connections, and feel better
about yourself and your life. Check out meetup.com [6] for your city
which has an interest group for everything. There's a whole world of
happiness out there that has nothing to do with your X.
Read the book:"Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How
It can Help You Find and Keep Love." I found out about it from a
comment on this site, and it has really help me understand why it's
been so hard for me to let go of someone who doesn't want me. Or
take Jane's course!
Peace and Joy to You
BRAVO!! BRAVO!! Jane...that was the best advise. "Defeated" you are speaking that negativiity in the universe. You are a CONQUER!!!!!! Let him GO!!! It hurts yes, each day will get better and better. One day you will look up and the pain will be gone. When he see you have moved on....he will be back!! Then you will be the one making the decision if you want him back or not!! Go through the process..which you have started by seeking help. Grieve and take steps in doing YOU!! FOCUS ON YOU!!
Yes, RealDavis, YES!
Dear UNDEFEATED
You will push thru this to get thru this.
Your soul is stronger than you think.
Relationships teach us about ourselves.
Therefore, we must always stay connected and true to ourselves.
Self love helps to heal the broken heart and burning pain.
Self love will help you to understand; love on a higher level.
Do not give up on you. Keep the faith & Hold it down
Give thanks for the breath of life.
1Love,
Sharri
Beautifully said, Sharri; our souls are always so much stronger than we think. Self love always holds the key to our healing, to our ability to see what we couldn't see before, to being able to put one foot in front of the other and begin again... and again, and again. Thank you.
Thank you so much Jane.
As I continue to evolve. On a recent date with myself, I took a free
Color thearpy workshop. I learned that ancient civilizations used color and light to treat ailments.
The interaction of color, light & your body creates balanced vibrational healing of the mind. Practicing color thearpy everyday is easy. Eating foods that are orange, red, green, yellow & light creates a healthier you. Wearing colorful clothes & jewlery helps you to feel more confident and perhaps alluring Adding colorful artwork or furniture to your home or office creates harmony. So today, my color of choice shall be a combination of yellow and green. I need help with creativity and focus. I just wanted to share with the GettingToTrueLove family this gift of info.
1Love. Sharri
Thanks for sharing this with us all, Sharri. I've heard of color therapy, but didn't realize the details behind it - now I know why I sometimes subconsciously choose the colors I do! 🙂
I totally get how you feel and it is heart wrenching. I was in a relationship for 7 1/2 years with a man who depended on me totally until he got his medical license back. For some odd reason, I just knew I could help him and we'd live happily ever after. He did get his license back after years of me taking care of him through rehab and being there emotionally and financially. The truth is our relationship was all in my imagination and if I had truly listened to what he said in all of our arguments and focused on his actions and not his words then I would have saved myself a lot of grief. I just KNEW once he got his ducks in a row we'd live happily ever after. I have often heard that money brings out a person's true personality and it is so true. In the last 1 1/2 years he landed a great job and is now practicing medicine and he has all the luxuries of life. For me the verbal abuse was so bad that I just couldn't take it anymore - there is just not enough money to make up for living like that.
After I left, he wanted to get counseling but when it was time to make the appointment he said for me to go and he would see how he felt after I went. I found out that he was already seeing other women which makes me think that is why he was getting more and more verbally abusive - maybe he wanted me to leave so he wouldn't be the bad guy to his friends and family. He now tells every one that I am delusional, crazy and need counseling. He is right, I do need counseling but to learn how to stay away from guys like him! Unfortunately, I am 53 and despise starting over but I will not live with a narcissistic person and be abused. I am now doing NO CONTACT. He still tries to contact me but I will continue to do NO CONTACT. He only wants me as a supplier for his narcissism and/or to keep me on the back burner. This I have learned, very few men will leave a woman unless they have someone else lined up or have ulterior motives.
I pray for all the women who have had to deal with narcissism and/or the betrayal by a person they thought loved them. I just have to know time heals all wounds.
Thank you for sharing your story, Annette. You understand so much more when you've been there. Time does heal all wounds, but it does this by what we put into that time, by the life we create there, by the focus we put on ourselves in that time, and by the choices we make to forgive, to love ourselves before anyone else. When we remember that these heartbreaks are never as personal as we make them out to be in our own minds, but are saving us for something so much better than we could have seen when we're going through it, they become what they're meant to be - lessons learned along the way that help us live, and learn and grow.
Sorry to hear this. Try to refrain from contacting him. I think we do this to avoid/ lessen the pain we are feeling. The only way out of the pain is to go through it and feel. Don't try to numb it by contacting him and having little tit bits of hope. Walk away with your head held high and take your power. No other human being is worth giving your power to. Like one of the other posters said he fix not wake up one morning and decide this, he thought about it and planned it and he did not share his thoughts with you, the person he is supposed to love. Where is the trust, respect, love in his actions. Move on x x
"The only way out of the pain is to go through it and feel. Don't try to numb it by contacting him and having little tit bits of hope. Walk away with your head held high and take your power. No other human being is worth giving your power to. " - Beautifully said, Laura. Thank you.
I agree that you are not defeated. I sympathize with you. I feel your pain. I am very sorry things did not go according to your plan. One thing a male friend of mine shared with me and that rings true (this is not to be cruel) He said that men tell women the truth but they don't want to hear it. It sounds as if the two of you were not on the same page when it came to commitment. This does not mean there is anything wrong with either of you just not the right connection. Love yourself and believe me if you could love him as much as you did you can love the right man even more so. Keep your eyes on the prize.
So true, Danny. We never want to hear it, we never want to see it, we never want to believe those signs, especially the subtle ones. We want to believe it can and will be different with us, this time. "Love yourself and believe me if you could love him as much as you did you can love the right man even more so." - Exactly!
Hi defeated ,
My advise to you is move forward !
I was married for 23 years and out of the blue bam!!!
same thing happened my husband was having an affair tho .
He told me he needed some space and I was willing
To do anything to save my marriage , I gave him space he broke up
With the one he'd been seeing and started coming to the house
Hanging around we were seen around town together
We started doing family things again (adult children)
Then it happened again not even two months later and
Once again I was heart broken and my life was
Again upside down !
I guess what I'm saying is , as hard as it is
You have to move forward if someone loves you
The way they are supposed to they would NEVER
Put you through any pain like that .
Would you be able to watch a loved one go through
Pain like that ? No because if you loved them you
Wouldn't want to .
Just keep your head high and move forward .
It's not easy and takes a lot of talking yourself into
Doing certai things . It's been 2 years for me
And I only started seeing someone not long ago
I still think of my (not yet ex husband) everyday
I wish I didn't buy I do !
We are still in contact however because we have
3 older kids and I try and keep the peice between them
Toward him they are also very angry at him .
Another thing is try and forgive maybe not forget
But forgiveness will help you're forward but also help
Your mind stay focused !
I wish you all the luck in the world but don't wait for him
To decide !!! You make the decision !
It does take time and a lot of tears but day by day you will
Get through and you'll look back on it one day and
Think " wow I did it "
❤Good luck to you
Thank so for sharing your story, Cindy - and your beautiful word of wisdom. Nuggets from the throes of "being there" are worth their weight in gold!
So refreshing to read this post and everyone's comments. I definitely encourage self love as I am trying to do so for myself. We don't deserve to be placed on hold and pause our life/happiness. Everything happens for a reason. This door closed for another one to open. Trust your self and love yourself always and first. I wish you all the best in the healing process. I know it hurts so much with the time invested but look at it as a gift because you didn't invest more time and your whole life.
Exactly, Darlene. So glad this is helping you, too. 🙂
I am so sorry for your pain. The up side is that it happened after 5 years and not 10 or 15. As Jane has said before, true love does not hurt. It is not painful. I recently went through the same thing and I promise it will get better with time. There will be good and bad days but time does heal all. Take this hurting time to do some self reflection. This website is a great avenue to help you with that. I've learned more about "me" in the past few months that EVER. God bless!
So true, Sheryl. And I'm so glad you've "learned more about "me" in the past few months that EVER." 🙂
I concur whole heartedly with Jane in this.
And I mean whole hearted. Do not act on your feelings of desperation. Feel them and survive them and let them abate. Let the relationship deflate and your hopes for it drain out. Do not invest any longings or dreams in it.
Fill yourself with a love of the whole of life. Then act from that wholeness, that fullness. And forget about the 30 deadline. Renew yourself! I wish you love!
Thank you, Devi.
Hi there,
Firstly I am sorry to hear about your story
And I think u should just leave this guy if he feels this way towards you.....
Regards,
Aditi
Thank you for your thoughts, Aditi.
Dear Defeated,
As the other poster said his actions were CRUEL and UNKIND. Sorry you have to go through this.
Did he not understand how this would leave you shell shocked? If this is how he treats a friend , girlfriend that he loves, his enemies are in grave danger. Breaks up happen yes but the COWARDLY way he handled this breaks up shows he has little respect or regard for you as a person and certainly not your wellbeing.
He moved 6 hours away and his job is unaffected? He planned his future and you were not in it. I know it hurts so bad that words can't express the mind numbing pain of your heart ripped out after 5 years. But be grateful you know now rather than 10 years in.
Please please please do not fall for his September wait and see ploy. If he could not decide in 5 1/2 years one month will not make a difference. Especially since he made the 6 hour move. He just figures the deadline would have passed and he can go back to living with you. He is being true to himself.
Go on a trip, don't sleep with anyone don't hookup. Just get awayy. Breathe and write down your plans be detailed Iam willing to bet you will see various ways your life was on hold waiting for his commitmenent
Cry lots that's part of healing. Start your new life. I am praying for you.
Big warm hugs
Alia
Thank you for your understanding words for our friend, Alia. There is so much healing in those tears!
Defeated.
Wow. I fell your pain.
You have to believe Jane when she says that this is a blessing in disguise. You're not defeated- you're empowered, because I know it hurts now. I know the future is filled with fear and uncertainty. But as the dust begins to settle and clarity arises. You will understand that you deserve more, better than he can offer.
There will be times when you will be weak and want to run back to his arms because its familiar (freaking 5 years of familiar) and a hard habit to break but you need to walk away from this with your head held high.
Cutting ties I personally find helps with the moving on process. But this is individual and you may not want to let go of all the things that remind you I him forever but certainly in the interim I would consider putting all the 'special ' things, photos and immediate reminders away in storage. Out of sight. Out if mind really can help.
His moving to another city is part of his own mourning processes.
Do not settle. Be empowered. This is your chance to grow. Accept the hurt the pain and see this as a chance to find the person who shares your hopes and desires for life long term.
If he isn't on the same page, it's better to know now than in 5 more years with more investment and heartache.
I know you love him and it's easier said than done. But be gentle and kind and loving to yourself. Take every day as it comes to nourish yourself.
Do not takes his 'septemeber mind changing' time frame seriously.
This happened to me and funnily enough septemeber was the same time frame. I know you want to give him the benefit if the doubt, I mean it has been five years and who would blame you for trying? Giving him a chance?
To see what he's missing so to speak. I know I've been there. Sometimes
It will work out, other times not. But by sitting back and not getting on with your life will make it easier for him to walk all over you. We must stand for something or we will fall for everything. So the saying goes.
He might react to your empowered self but like Jane said if he is to change his mind this could come at anytime in the future not just in septemeber and you will have to consider if this person (the one who can walk away from you, confirming your biggest fears and can't comit) really is good enough for you. A decision to get back together should be on your terms if it ever gets to take point because all you have ever done is love him with honest integrity. Can you say te same for him? Is that really good enough for you? If he asks you back, will you go running back to him? Consider why you would do this? Would you feel settled with him after this? Or would you be settling? Try not to let your fears dictate your decisions.
You need to mourn for this relationship now. Waiting until septemeber, trying to prove to him in the meantime that you're worth the commitment is going to destroy you.
The only way out of this tunnel is to dig deep and believe in yourself.
You are worth more than he can offer, you have been set free to find a better match. You can do this. We are here to help. Read Jane's articles and get the strength and courage to let go, and from being an empowered woman.
Honestly, I know from experience that walking away from someone who can't give you what you want is far better than accepting something that is beneath you. It's a positive way to exit something so painful as hard as t feels right now. This is what you must cling on to.- your integrity, self worth and beautiful offerings of love to another better suited person.
Beautifully said and shared with us all, M. Thank you.
I feel your pain, GF! Once a woman gives her heart away completely to a man, she is left totally vulnerable and at his mercy. I think you know that deep down inside the only thing left to do is to cut your losses and don't look back, which feels like an impossible thing to do because every ounce of your being is missing him so painfully. When a person is in this stage of a breakup, it can feel traumatic, like the death of a loved one. Right now you are under a spell, his spell, and you can't see clearly. The longer with no contact, the better, You will see that day by day you get a little stronger. Make a promise to love yourself and take care of yourself during this difficult time. Be sure to incorporate healthy things into your diet so you can feel strong again. I stopped eating after my last breakup so that the feelings of pain in my heart matched the feeling of pain and weakness in my body. Don't do that! It also helps to listen to audio books about positive things. I also listened to a book called "Men Who Can't Love" which was a very good eye opener into the minds of men who just freak out inside about commitment and do things like this. You will feel better once the spell is broken and you can see clearly again. I promise!
You have such insight to what goes on in this process, DebbieM. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Defeated
I hear and feel you...have been through the same thing this year. Whatever caused him to breakup with you that morning, was surely not his first time thinking about it. But it was his first time acting on it and it does take a lot for him too to take this decision. Because I do believe that he shares love, compassion and friendship with you as well, things he now has renounced and will also have to search for again.
Somewhere along the way he started thinking actively and made this decision. He will string you along only if you let him. Healing is a deep emotional process. If you're anything like me then you will cry and cry for no reason, day in and day out. You'll cry / tear up in public places. Eyes are constantly swollen and you cannot be left alone or else your mind will race. But listen, it is all memories of the past or worries about the future haunting you. In the present you are there, healthy and sound but with a broken heart and temporarily single. Once your mind has come to terms with being alone, you'll find it is not so bad and sometimes can also be very comfortable as your needs are being adhered to first hand. A few months down the line you will see that you stop thinking of him that much...maybe not a few times a day but once or less. And then you'll feel a bit guilty. But in fact you should be happy.
Mindfulness techniques really helped me and if you'd like to I think you can look into it. It doesn't require much, but can give some relief when your mind will not let go of thoughts from the past or the future.
I wish you all the best.
"But listen, it is all memories of the past or worries about the future haunting you. In the present you are there, healthy and sound but with a broken heart and temporarily single." - Thank you for sharing what you've discovered for yourself, Carin. It is so true that so much about our minds and where we focus our thoughts. Being in the present; living in the here and now through techniques such as mindfulness or whatever you find works for you can help make this easier.
Defeated you will be fine with time, truth is your man was not ready to get married yet. you mustnt feel bad or put pressure on you about getting marriend at a certain age, the right man will come and love you enough to marry you without any doubt whatsoever. Think of it as part of growing up dnt regret dating him and the good times you guys had together. There is no time to cry over spilt milk wipe it and move on if its meant to be it will be, i am definately sure your a beatiful and a good woman keep on shining always, remember a happy woman with a great smile attracts a good man....
"Think of it as part of growing up don't regret dating him and the good times you guys had together." - Thanks for this reminder, Khanya. So often we're ready to throw out all the good memories with the bad, but the reality is, these serve as a reminder of our beautiful ability to love, to be a part of a relationship, and to learn and grow, apart from any outcome.
When a man treats you this way it is time to cut your losses. If it was me I would be uncontactable or move so he cannot find you.
Once a man has left you once he will most likely do it again . If a man is not moving the relationship forward after 6 months and keeps you on the fence then this is a big red flag that he is not ready to commit.
Mabey he has met someone else and is seeing how that is going to work out that's why he is being very non commital and hedging his bets by keeping the door open just incase it doesn't work out.
I would be very suspicious in your case.
I would say run as fast as you can away from this situation ....
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Gabriella.
My heart n soul are with Defeated. No matter how much logic I apply, just cannot understand HOW anyone can be SO cruel! I don't know what he had in mind from the beginning. But I DO know just how badly it hurts when u realise your feelings n emotions have been played with, used for ulterior motives with lies n deceit. How any one can deliberately hurt some one who has only genuinely loved n cared for them..I will never understand. To Defeated, I would say she absolutely should live her life n not remain in hope for some one who can walk away like that after such a long time. I feel if she stays with him, he might use her as a convenience. What did he think he was doing for 5 n a half years? N for all this time he didn't know what he did/didn't want? I have come to believe that SUCH men merely make a show of love n care so they can use the woman as a convenience. It's perfect for them..n very painful for the woman. When the question of commitment comes..they bolt. I know it's the most difficult thing in the world to do..to let go n move on. I'm very badly hurt n I'm angry too. But I also know that a person really worthy of your love will make sure you never shed tears bcoz of them. N those who make u shed tears are totally unworthy of you, of your love, n certainly not worth your tears. I wish all the lovely ladies all the happiness..always!!
It sounds like you've truly been there, Renata, and shed your own share of tears. I hope you're seeing you're not alone in this either, whatever you're going through, there's who understands your pain, too.