I may have figured out quite a bit when it comes to men, but I sometimes find that some of the same old habits that I had with dating crop up in my current life as well.
I've learned that the first step in changing habits that are just so hard to break is to recognize them. To become aware of it, to notice it casually, without giving it so much attention that allows it grows in power. To acknowledge it and let it pass without allowing it to get the best of you.
Now that I've been happily married for quite a while, and have my family with all of the chaos that comes with it, I find myself wondering if I've traded my old habit of trying to be the perfect girlfriend for trying to be the perfect wife and mother instead.
I find that I still feel like I'm supposed to defer to everyone else, to be unselfish and put others firsts, to pretend to not know something more than “they” know so that I won’t offend them.
But, just as I went through back in my dating years, I’m learning to recognize these feelings and question them. To ask myself the same questions I ask you to ask yourself when looking at the dating traps that you tend to fall into.
Is it really your own truth, your own belief? Or is it someone else’s opinion that became your truth? Is it your programming, your conditioning, your upbringing that's making you feel the way you feel? And more importantly, does it match the “you” you’re becoming? The you that’s learning how to tell the difference.
These are all the same questions I ask myself, just at a different stage in life and love. The growing doesn't stop.
I still tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person who I suddenly think is going to be my new best friend, just like I used to be drawn to a certain type of man who I was sure would be the one. But I often find that these women are actually masking their own insecurities behind this outer facade of “I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me”.
I won’t see the mask at first; I’ll think it’s the real thing and that she's truly confident and has it all together - just like I want to be. I'll think she’s the perfect friend for me because of how she makes me feel. Just being around her will give me a sense of permission that I still find myself gravitating towards.
Until I start to get to know her better and see how little we actually have in common beyond this feeling of "Wow, she's so great". And then, once again, I see the truth that it really does take time to get to know someone well enough to be sure you want them in your life, to be sure that they're truly compatible with you.
The reality that in the end it simply takes time to find out if people are really what you think, or if it's just a mask. It’s the slow, steady relationships that develop naturally over time that prove to be the ones that are truly the one for me time and time again.
Not unlike the same lessons I discovered with love in a distant time and place that’s never seems as far away as the actual measurement of time.
It’s why we can all use this reminder no matter how much we think we know. It’s why I still refer often to the truths contained in the program I designed for you. The program is about dating and attracting love into your life, but I find that the core principles apply to so much of life besides romantic love.
And I find that I still need these reminders myself, too.
Blind spots. Triggers. MO's. Our Stuff. Whatever you choose to call them.
Don’t fight them. Accept them. They’re a part of you and sometimes nearly impossible to change.
So start by simply recognizing them. Acknowledge them, but don’t allow them to play a starring role in your story. They no longer need to.
Don’t beat yourself up about them. We’re not here to punish ourselves for being as human as we are. We’re here to love every part of ourselves as we are. Yes, there’s always room for improvement, but if all we ever do is concentrate on what’s wrong with us, we miss the whole point of this life.
To love, to be loved, and most of all, to love ourselves. It's what a life worth living is all about.
What about you? What are you fighting about yourself that it’s time to love about yourself instead? Share it with us in the comments!
Hi Jane
Never stop mailing me, your mails are the highlight of my day. Not only are you like a breath of fresh air......you inspire and encourage me......but most importantly you have given me back my self confidence!!!! "WOW" that feels good!!!
I was reading your mail this morning referring to old habits........ and the timing could not have been better it was like that mail was meant for me. You see Jane since I hit my sixties I have this habit of checking my wrinkles every morning but more so now since someone passed a remark and unfortunately for me I am extremely sensitive very precise and meticulous about my appearance. However this morning as I checked myself in the mirror I said to myself it's not about the face you see in the mirror but about the inner beauty you have in your heart and that over powers all the negative thoughts. I have learned to love myself and put myself first that way I am able to give so much love back in return.
So thanks Jane you have done it again you are an absolute angel!!! Looking forward to my next mail from you!
PS: Since I shared my story with you and took your advice a lot has happened since.....and I just wanted share that with you! My man is in Spain until October and has just invited me over to join him again....Call it women's intuition I think he is finally going to commit.....Will keep you posted so comforting to know that I am able to share what's happening in my life on your web site and everybody else that is part of it.
Love
Doreen
I'm so glad the timing of this post resonated so much with you, Doreen. It's so beautiful to hear your updates - to see you discovering the truth about inner beauty, and recognizing this in the moment. True beauty is about so much more than anything outward, although we can be so conditioned to believe the opposite. Whatever the future brings, it is about what makes you happy more than anything else. That's how you'll know!
And I thank you, Doreen! 🙂
To refocus the purpose of your insightful article, I do obsess over everything that is wrong with myself and my life. and I fear my life keeps going by and I won't be able to stop doing it and move forward to give myself a chance to meet someone to love me, as I don't see any reason why they can if I don't love myself. I don't recognize those red flags, and don't seem to be able to realize when I am creating the negative outcomes in my life...
What do you need to be able to ground yourself, Marywest? Can you stop when you find yourself obsessing before it takes on a life of its own - I do know this! - and simply find something to be grateful for, to focus on one thing that's positive right now, to bring you back to the here and now, instead of looking at the past, the future and everywhere else but right now in the present moment? Have you done all those things that help us to love ourselves, to show yourself through your very actions that you are worth so much and deserve so much? Find those things, those places, those people that bring you a sense of peace and calm and bring you back to yourself. There is so much "right" with you, but you have to let go of focusing so much on what you believe is wrong to see what is truly "right" and beautiful and unique about you! That's what this journey is all about. One step at a time, forgiving yourself for not being perfect, remembering that it's when you accept and forgive yourself for any of your "shortcomings" that you can move on to the next stage, living the life that you were made for. I know it's easier said than done, but the more your practice it, the more you shift your mindset, the easier it will become. Go where you are loved and it will be so much easier to love yourself!
Hi Jane,
I so hear you on this, and "I am so sorry" that you've found yourself in this situation.
Sometimes I have found that the person is so incredibly lost and confused that they don't even realize their actions and/or behavior. But I've also found that they ususally tend to go quietly from your life when they realize the situation.
Thanks for all the great posts Jane, you've helped so many people-myself included.
That is so very true, Tina; thank you. 🙂 It's always the very themes we struggle with ourselves that provide the deepest level of understanding - and the lessons! - that we can, in turn, give to one another. And it's why we do "hear each other" so very well!
Waste** typo lol
Courtney, the way Jane explained it above is so clear cut and true. I too had to learn this myself, you are not alone. Free yourself from this fantasy and hope you have on waiting for him so you can be closer and available to receive the person who is truly right for you. I know it's easier said than done but trust you can break free and not waiste another year, month, day or sec. You have one life enjoy it , time is precious and can never be taken back. don't cheat yourself any longer because you deserve so much more! <3
well for me with the last guy, there was time i felt comfortable as a friend first, my habits were txt'ing him 3x times everyday to see how he was, example how was your day, when will we talk next, i was completely obsessed with him n i would make him 1 of my new years resolutions. On NYE he unfriended me n i txt'd why did u delete me as friend, i kept re-friending him as a friend on fb in Jan n my other friend who was guy said that this guy blocked my number n i thought i don't believe u. i wanted the real him to speak it. so he kinda kept declining my friendship until he gave me a dear john msg saying why, what etc. i wanted to send him more msgs but it was hard for me bcoz at the end he said please don't hassle on fb. don't reply, if u do i won't reply. so after that day i was tempted to give him a msg n txt to see how he's doing but he blocked my number, my parents would tell me to stop talking about him and leave him alone. 1 time i gave 1 last friend request n i gave myself a warning if i kept on doing it he will block me n i didn't wanna be blocked by him on FB
after march i stopped giving friend requests,cut off all contact n give it 5-6 months n i thought i will wait til he gives me a msg or adds me as a friend. during the 5 months 1 of my girlfriends has been telling have u herd from him, he's gonna do a concert at the park 3x n i said u gonna go n she said no i just saw it on FB and she even asked me "did u go n see him perform" i said nope i didn't, i had other things to do,if he invited me i would've gone & i'm giving him a break"
last thu it was his birthday n i wrote him a msg saying "i think it's your birthday today,if so happy birthday, if not happy birthday for whenever it is, cheers :),i was shy to give him a msg n at the same i felt nervous, i listened to songs that remind me of him. my guts told just the the msg i tried to do it with my closed, i couldn't do it, i was shy bcoz i was going back to square 1 and i was nervous he wouldn't reply back, my heart said it's his birthday, be polite n give him greetings n he will understand. so i hit the send button n go back to my homepage on FB. so a sec later he gives me a inbox saying "thanks..." i'm like what's that supposed to mean, thanks for everything. at 1 stage i thought he would thanks for everything even for not hassling me on fb. so i was really happy n relieved n never knew he would reply.
after his reply i wanted to say no worries(something something n tell my girl friend off as if told him my friend has been asking me if i heard from u etc n i gotta bit frustrated with it, did she do it to u but with me?" in the end i left it n i gave him a chance to say more to me on messeenger
when he said "thanks...." these Qs popped in my head
is he a different person now
what's he thinking etc
has he unblocked my number etc
i want to give him a friend request n my mum said to give him a chance to add me n msg unttil 17th n so i set myself a challenge with rules of 1. no txting, msg'ing or friend request, 2. if he adds me i will accept his friend request n reply to him, so i told my mum should i give him a friend request on the 17th n that i hadn't heard from him so she told me to give him another week n add him by the 24/7
the only Q that goes through my head is "Will he accept my friend request"
if not i will wait for Xmas/new years n let it be part of the gift
if he does i will be a different person n will not give him so many txts n msg's won't gossip n let him do the talking like how was your day, do u wanna catch up etc. i know in my head he will be busy from Oct - Jan.
i don't often these gossip about him to my friends bcoz they will make false rumours about him and tease me about it. i would only tell my parents n besties.
OMG, LEAVE THE POOR GUY ALONE!! You're stalking him!
He doesn't want to be with you! or be friends with you! just accept that and move on with your life!!
He's thinking "when will she ever leave me alone?!?"
PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD and HIS! Just let it be and leave him alone!!
I mean this in a friendly way! and please in the future DON"T CHASE A GUY! IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE, IF HE LIKES YOU, HE'LL CONTACT YOU
I left him alone for 5 months but I keep thinking is 5 months going to be enough for a break. In feb 1 of my friends told me to give him 2-5 months break which is what I'm doing rite now
My mind says it's not my fault, it's not his fault it's my girl friends fault n I think she's trying to stitch me n him back together as friends so both can be happy n I think that's why she's getting me annoyed, I kinda thought if she told him the same thing about me then he will not like my friend at all n my heart says he will remove your girl friend ( common friend) n add u back as 1.
I really like this guy
You deserve someone who wants to be with you, Courtney. Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who isn't giving you any reason to believe he's on the same page and is looking for what you want - with you. It's not personal; it's about what it takes to be in a real relationship with someone. It doesn't matter how much you may believe you "like this guy". Don't let the fantasy of what you want this to be - for reasons that are always about you - cloud your view of the reality that actually is. You're the loving kind, not the chasing kind. Someone who wants to be with you will never leave you wondering if they really do!
If it's true love... from "both" you don't need a break! Move on to someone who will feel the same way you do.
Hi Courtney,
I see you are really having a hard time about this situation. I know it is hard to let go of someone that made you feel a certain type way or brought out feelings that maybe you never felt before, but you have to let this go. It does not matter how long you wait this guy does not want what you want and at some point you are going to have to accept that. I have seen previous post by you and it makes me worry for you because it seem like you are stuck, which can happen to a lot of us that have been in relationships or lack of relationships with unavailable men. There are always the questions that play in our mind about if we should do this or that, but it does not matter in the end because if someone is not on the same page as you it will never work. Courtney, try to put the focus back on you this can be hard because we fantasize about how we can turn these situations around with these men, but if you focus on you more you will begin to realize that you deserve better then this guy is giving which is nothing at all. Maybe you can talk to a professional counselor or a therapist that can give you a different perspective I am thinking about taking this route myself. Good Luck, in discovering you! 🙂
You are blind to this man. I am in the same situation. It is so sad to hear the hurt in your words, the loneliness you feel. I am there, but after readying your message, I feel so ashamed of myself to be so consumed with men who care nothing about me. Its time to move on. I have to believe there is men out there that will care!
Don't take on that shame, Wendy; just use this knowledge when you can see yourself through someone else's similar experience to the betterment of yourself and your own situation. There are men out there who will care; we just have to let go of the ones who don't before we're open - and ready - to see them!