As much as we talk about dating, and committing, and knowing how to tell if someone is right for you or not, there is one thing that underlies so many of all those conversations.
It’s about passion. It’s about love. And most of all, it’s about you.
It’s about what’s behind the creating of a life for yourself that gives you a reason to call this living your life. It’s about what’s behind what gives you something to get up and get going for every single morning instead of leaving you feeling like pulling the covers over your head and diving back under the covers until something – anything - gets better.
It’s the difference between seeing the glass half-empty, or the reality that it’s just as much half-full. It’s what gives you the strength to carry on – because you know you’re worth it – instead of giving into that relentless little voice that says you’re not.
You see, the missing piece for so many of us is having a real life for ourselves that gives us something to live for when it matters most.
We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves. We have to want to enough to do something about it. We have to choose to live, to refuse to be a victim, to refuse to blame anyone else, to refuse to accept the path we've previously chosen as the only way to live.
I understand why so many of us don’t get this.
I understand how scary it can be to even think of rocking the boat by behaving in a different way than others have come to expect from us. So much of our lives revolve around what other people think. It's so ingrained in us from such an early age.
The problem is that if our lives are all about pleasing others, about doing everything for everyone else until there is nothing left to give to ourselves, we don’t have a whole lot of time or energy for creating this life that I’m talking about here.
When we’re more about giving the answers everyone expects from us. When we’re more about performing in just the way those around us have come to expect from us. When we’re the first to apologize, to take the blame for something that isn't ours, to keep everything harmonious on the surface, and defer to everyone else because it seems so much easier this way.
It can be a difficult habit to break
But one can only take care of everyone else’s needs and neglect their own for so long. And one can only put on a performance and hide their own true self for so long. Before eventually the resentment builds and the anger comes, and either becomes blame and anger at everyone else, or the worst kind of anger – the anger we inflict on ourselves.
Most of us choose the more socially acceptable route – the one we label as “depression” and we come to accept this as just the way we are. We rarely talk about it, for keeping up appearances that all is well is one of those things we learn along the way.
But living like this is no way for any of us to live. And whenever I hear of someone who’s stuck in a place like this, calling this their life and not seeing that it’s anything but a life, I’m left with a gnawing sense of emptiness for what isn’t said and isn’t done and isn’t being lived. And I’m envisioning such a different life that could be lived in its place.
Because it’s not about having the package that we all so want. Everything doesn’t suddenly change wthin us if we’re not happy to begin with. We don’t suddenly inherit a life worth living when we find ourselves with Mr. Right and 1.5 kids and a dog and a white picket fence around the yard.
These things can all bring much happiness and joy to our lives, but if we don’t know who we are and what we’re passionate about in our own lives, that feeling of being fulfilled is only temporary at best.
We miss the whole point of this life
If it’s all about the day to day routine where we go about our lives forgetting to feed our own passions and create within us a love of life for the things that matter to us, we set ourselves up for a life that depends on other people and other things to fill us up rather than looking to ourselves as well.
Yes, it’s a whole package, but WE need to be a part of it, too.
It’s not surprising just how easy it is to live this life – our lives – without any real passion, any real depth other than the surface routines of what we can call our lives. Isn’t that what most of us are used to?
And between all the daily demands that life requires us, most of us have a hard time finding the time to even think about the type of life we want for ourselves, let alone finding the time to put our thoughts into action.
Are you enthusiastic about life and excited about the things that you get to do?
Do you feel like your life has a purpose, and that you're fulfilling that purpose?
Do you have something that gets you up in the morning and keeps you carrying on regardless of the inevitable setbacks that occur along the way?
Do you do something every day that makes you feel absolutely amazing?
Do you know where your own passions lie?
If you don’t, there’s never going to be a better time to find them.
Who are you really?
It’s time to get to know the real you.
Give yourself permission to do the things you never thought you could do (or they told you that you couldn't do). Find that little girl inside you so full of life and hope and give her a chance to show you what she can do.
I recently came across an article that made a case for who we were in 2nd or 3rd Grade providing the catalyst for where our passions lie. What did you most like to do when you were that age? There’s something there to explore to discover what that is today.
It’s all too easy to sit back and wait to be rescued from the life you’re living that you don’t really want.
But if all that you’re doing is filling time until something better comes along to provide another diversion from yourself, than you’re missing the whole point of living.
It's all under your control
It doesn't begin when someone or something comes along to give you a reason to live. It begins right now with you. You’re here right where you are for a reason and there’s so much living and discovering to be done right where you are now.
I wrote a post a while back about bringing passion into your life, and it's really one of the most critical things that you can do to truly have the kind of love that you want in your life. I also provide even more great tools and resources to discover your passions in my program Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU! We all tend to think that once we find the love of our lives, then we'll really love our lives - but it's actually the opposite! It begins with loving your life first - and the best part is that it's completely under your control!
It’s the difference between living and existing, and it’s the only way to live your life. You have every bit of control over the life you choose to create for yourself and call your own. It’s not about what anyone else thinks about it; it’s about what you think. In the end, you’re the only one you answer to.
It’s not in the waiting, the searching, and the hunting for love; it’s in the living and loving of the life you already have, right in front of you.
Go. Be passionate!
What are you passionate about? What is it that makes you simply come alive while doing it (even if you don't get much of a chance to)? Share it with us in the comments!
Hi Jane, I really like your blog since you actually give healthy and positive advice unlike most relationship advice related websites out there. Loved this post.
I remember being asked by my school guidance counselor what I wanted to be when growing up. “I want to be like Jacques Cousteau and dive into the deep blue sea. I want to be like Jane Goodall and live among chimpanzees” I said naively. The old, grumpy fellow looked down at me and said: “Well, you can’t. That’s impossible. Choose something realistic.” Instead of “Well, you can do it if you make an effort. Those who are passionate about their career path always make it”. Truth be told, my science grades were lower than my arts ones. As I was just a kid, I believed him and I kept believing everybody who said to me “no, you can’t” ever since. Years later it came to my attention, Jane Goodall never went to University. Neither did Kevin Richardson alias “The lion man”. They just loved what they did and had the knack with animals.
I’m passionate about nature and traveling. However, how do I reconcile that kind of adventurous life with both a stable job and a more family oriented, steady life? Because I honestly want both in my future. I also feel attracted to a type of guy whom I can’t really picture working at an animal reserve - I’m more into the sophisticated, always in a suit type rather than the macho muscular one.
Jane, I’m quoting you here: “Here’s the really important question … would you be in the relationship you’re in if you truly believed you were worthy of the real thing – true love? If not, what type of guy would you be with? Then describe him. Because once you know yourself, once you figure out who you really are, what you enjoy, and what you are passionate about - then - and only then - you can begin to understand what you’re really looking for.”
So while I agree that bringing passion into our lives and loving what we do help us attract the right people/guy, I wonder why my perfect guy doesn’t match my perfect scenario? I feel like I have two different puzzles here and I'm mixing the wrong pieces so I won't be able to put them together.
"As I was just a kid, I believed him and I kept believing everybody who said to me “no, you can’t” ever since." How many of us have had our dreams stopped short when a well-meaning person discourages our dreams with their own subjective dose of reality that says more about them than about us! I'm so glad you remember this, Rosa, and that you haven't let this damper your own enthusiasm!
"Years later it came to my attention, Jane Goodall never went to University. Neither did Kevin Richardson alias “The lion man”. They just loved what they did and had the knack with animals." - There's always that important backstory to inspire us all!
When you know what you're passionate about, Rosa, it allows you to see what matters to you. So it's not so much about doing exactly the same things together, it's about recognizing the qualities behind those passions that are important to you. So while you may be more attracted to the "sophisticated, always in a suit" type, my guess is there's probably something about intellectual curiosity that's important to you and that's more of what makes that type attractive. So you complement the "Jane Goodall" part of you, with someone who is intelligent and compassionate enough to support you in your own endeavors, either financially or emotionally or both, as he participates in a way that resonates with him. It's the same puzzle, you're just looking at the pieces differently. And you'll be assured of knowing you're with the right person because they'll all fit together perfectly - in a way that works for you!
Let me know if you need me to explain this further, Rosa; and thank you for your kind words. 🙂
"How many of us have had our dreams stopped short when a well-meaning person discourages our dreams with their own subjective dose of reality that says more about them than about us!" This is spot on. It reminds me of that brilliant movie, "The pursuit of happyness" when Will Smith's character says to his son: "You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period."
"my guess is there's probably something about intellectual curiosity that's important to you and that's more of what makes that type attractive. " That's it, exactly 🙂 It's an unconscious association I make all the time. I know that I'm biased… but I can't help it.
Thanks Jane, I see what you mean and I can picture the whole puzzle now!
You've got it, Rosa! 🙂
Hi Jane,
I so appreciate this post, and as usual your timing is impeccable as this is what's been on my mind lately. I had to laugh at the "feeling like pulling the covers over your head and diving back under the covers until something – anything - gets better" comment as I have so been there! lol
I think you are sooo right about creating a life for oneself first and then love will then find it's way to you...no need to actually look for it...just live your life and it will find you.
I just wanted to share what has helped and worked for me on here, with the hopes that someone else benefits from my mistakes. I think passion is important, but I have so many things I'm passionate about that often times I get myself all confused, starting and stopping many projects, and getting derailed from things. So I think passion is important but I also think goal setting is also another component of passion.
Defined and clear objectives of what I want to accomplish, has always helped and worked for to keep my focus, not to rigid, but rather a blue print of what I'm after, otherwise I swim in a sea of abyss.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Tina! And I love the recommendation to focus on "goal setting" as part of finding your passions. As one who understands all about the chaos of having so many balls up in the air, I loved this reminder as a way of dealing with that "sea of abyss"!
I'm passionate about living my dreams as a little girl... Which is to see and experience the things that I've read about... For example , I have just recently come home from a three week trip to Europe to see the places in England, France, and Italy, that I've wanted to see all my life... And that's just the start! The best thing about my trip was, I took my two kids with me, they are 12 and 9 yo, so I didn't only get to live my dream, I also had a chance to be a kid again, being with my kids having fun and not having to go to work! So I'm very passionate about nurturing the child in me, giving myself the love and the childhood that I was robbed of, so that I can remind myself that I deserve no less than full respect, love and commitment from a man... This is easier said than done, as I am currently trying my hardest to forget about a guy that I like very much... We were dating , and I thought he felt the same way as I did toward him, but one day, after I started sleeping with him finally (I waited three months to be intimate with him and I thought that was long enough to prove tha he is not a player); this guy got cold on me and said 'he would rather keep me as a friend than lose me altogether' as he can't give me the commitment that I deserve.... I felt so hurt as I thought we were on the same page... But I have to be strong and just keep on looking after me... It's not easy... Everyday I still wait for him to send me a text or something... I really miss our nice times together... But I need to be passionate about my own life and stop pining on someone who doesn't appreciate me.
You've got it, Grace. I know it's easier said than done, but keep focusing on the beautiful dreams of that little girl you're describing here and it will get easier. It's hard to find out you're not on the same page, but at least you found out now - when it's still easier to do something about it - than further on down the road. Thanks for sharing - your trip sounded wonderful!
Hi Jane,
What I'm passionate about right now is reminding myself how wonderful I am, especially when my head tells me I'm so not! Today I've been feeling a little sorry for myself because I'll be 43 next month and I've never been married or created one healthy, perfect baby in my whole life. It feels like I've missed the boat, if you know what I mean, on both counts and then I wonder what God's plan for me actually is. God is "The One" for me and that's when my passion and hope become alive again! I turn the feeling sorry for myself into, the world is my oyster and I can do whatever I believe I can do. We had a really warm sunny day here in Scotland today, which is a big deal here 🙂 I feel passionate about being able to walk in the sunshine and seeing people smiling and I smile at them and wonder what they're lives are like. I'm passionate about the teenage dancer I was, who won many medals in many competitions and just enjoyed and loved each moment, even when I didn't win a medal, just experiencing being backstage and the make-up, music, tension, excitement, tears, lights and just me on stage on my own dancing... I'll always be passionate about that, especially now with the chronic pain I deal with in my body every day. I go inside myself and Donna the teenage dancer is smiling, elegant and in no pain and that's just bliss! I'm dancing inside 🙂
Love
Donna xxx
Love the visual, Donna. That's still you! 🙂
I just feel hopeless at this point! I know it is a mind thing I know you supposed to love yourself and I enjoy the strength and courage of each and everyone of you, but am tired. This last relationship was a real eye opener for the kinds of things I will take off of people, but am just dishearten right now. I can't stop thinking about how am forty years old I feel like I have wasted my life. I know God has a purpose, but I don't know what that is you can't just go through life existing, but I just don't know anymore. I just can't seem to get over how I was treated and part of that is realizing that I let a lot of this stuff happening.
I know it's so hard to see this when you're stuck in the midst of it, Sophia. I understand all too well from my own experience asking the same questions you are. And holding on so tightly to what should have been. But if you can take a step back for a moment and come with me to a different time and place, I'd like you to see a different way of looking at this. It's down the road in the future. It's a place where you've created a life you love for yourself, where you're shone your own beautiful light so brightly that its radiance attracted exactly the type of man who's truly right for you. You're happier than you ever could have imagine you'd be, and everything in the past no longer holds the weight on you that it used to. You can see everything for what it was and it's all become so clear.
What if you could live with that end in sight? Not where you live in the future, but where you live with that same knowledge you'd have of the future. You have no reason to hold anyone responsible for what was the best they knew at the time, including yourself. You forgive whoever did this to you, not for them, but to release you. And most of all you forgive yourself. You might have "let this stuff happen", but now you know so much more and you can change this. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
It's no wonder you're having such a hard time letting go and feeling so hopeless in the process; how could you not when you keep bringing the past into the present? It's not loving to us when we do this to ourselves time and time again.
Today is a new day, Sophia. No matter how old you are it's never too late to begin again. Write a letter to him, and tell him everything you want to tell him, but don't send it. It's for you to remind you of what you couldn't see then and what you want him to know without giving away your power again. Write a letter to yourself with the words you want to say to you, to who you were then, to what you want her to know, and to that little girl that you still are inside. These are for you, not for anyone else.
I see such breakthroughs with my coaching clients all the time, Sophia. People of all ages, male and female, who never believed they could see things differently. But they can, and they do. And so can you, Sophia. Go back in time to where you felt like you had your whole life ahead of you and the world was your oyster. What did you want to do that you didn't do? Where did you want to go that you didn't go? What were you like in 2nd grade, at that time when you had the beginnings of the work that you were made for? Start with the simple things, Sophia. Start with giving yourself permission to go there, to be whoever you want to be, to try whatever you want to try, without having to measure up to any outcomes. It's along the way we find ourselves, not in the past, and not in the future, but right where we are, no matter how much we want to be anywhere but where we are right now. It's not hopeless; it's a life just waiting to be lived!
Hi Jane,
I will take your advice. I will try to learn from this experience and leave it behind I guess my ego keeps getting in the way because I want him to hurt and feel what I feel, but I have to put the focus on me. Thanks
I know it can feel so natural to want him to hurt and feel what you feel, but it doesn't help you heal, Sophia. I've learned that we can't know someone else's path, nor can we know what's right for them or what their journey looks like, no matter how obvious it might seem to us. It's his path, and it's your path. It wouldn't give you the satisfaction you think it would to know he was hurting, maybe temporarily it might seem vindicating, but you wouldn't feel good about it for long because then you'd be judging yourself just as harshly as him. You deserve your own grace, Sophia. Don't let what someone didn't know and couldn't be take away your peace, your joy, your life. You deserve so much more than this.
I love to share things and activities. She was not the same...proudly too independent and solitary. Instead of sharing the weekend newspaper, coffee and conversation on a Sunday morning, she would hustle me out the door and she would go back to bed to read. It was foolish for me to try harder to bring change in her, as I have been told. My trying just made the failing hurt harder. And she just carried on carrying on.
Point is, some of us hold high value in sharing because it brings meaning and enjoyment. Others do not. I do not want to be like her. The trick is to not lose a sense of self.
Exactly, Wayne. Who you are is more precious than you ever realize. No one is ever worth losing that over.
I loved this article!! You are sooo right!! When I was a young girl I remember looking into the mirror and saying that my prince charming and soul mate was going to rescue me from the abuse and finally give me all the love, affection, attention, and kind regard that I was missing from my family. Growing up I was mentally and physically abused as well as overall ignored. It felt so horrible and creating this fantasy was the only thing that gave me hope and kept me going. Well fast forward 10-20 years and now the fantasy has become it's own prison as I co-dependently wait for others to make me feel okay (tip: it doesn't happen). Instead I feel anxious and on edge. My relationships are full of turmoil, angst, and inconsistency. Now, almost 30 years old (next month) I am starting to really understand what it means to live a life passionately without the background expectation, hope, and desire that a man was going to complete me. I have to totally give up that idea and accept that I have to do a lot of very deep work and healing on myself that I deserve to heal all of the trauma from my childhood. I realized, wait, I am my own knight in shinning armor. It has been a very liberating thought!!! What this means for me is to slowly (and I mean very very slowly) let go of ideas and people who do not support me. Instead, really learn how to take full responsibility for myself. I use support groups and a therapist to be able to do all this cause it is very hard. But what I am passionate about: going to the beach, wearing clothes I didn't think I could pull off, cleaning (yep!), playing with my 2 cats, and living my life simply. I can't wait to read all of your responses!!!! 🙂
oh how I hear you, Kylie! Be so proud of yourself for recognizing that fairytale that may have saved you then, but now keeps you staying exactly where you are. It's from that awareness that so much of your life can begin! "I realized, wait, I am my own knight in shinning armor. It has been a very liberating thought!!!" - Exactly! You're doing this the best way; very slowly, with support. We need each other; we're not meant to do this on our own! We didn't learn this overnight, we're not going to unlearn it overnight either. I love your enthusiasm here, Kylie, it's where it should be - on you, on your life, on this new liberating spell-breaking freedom that allows you to be anyone and anything you choose to be! 🙂
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Hi Jane,
I and plenty of others have been living our life and taking pride in achieving our passions or just taking life day by day. I have done a lot in my life, it only feels good to share that experience with the right partner, to witness the milestones and to lean on during the struggles. There is not much more many of us can do if we are just living our lives. It would be nice if the right one showed up and we could create our own team
I do hear you, Realist. It can be so hard to wait for something that can feel so elusive.
Hi Jane,
I am grateful for your advice and clear, vibrant writings. I am passionate about the arts. I've been writing and drawing since I was a child. I also have an obsession with music but never learned to play an instrument. I went to college for art but suffered due to my need at the time to deal with some issues I had been repressing. While in school,a close family generally suggested that I would never survive as an artist.
Then I graduated during the recession. I had lost financial support from my caretaker, had my career path taken from me due to bad grades. I lost my passion and my sense of direction. I am in school again. Is it for my passion? Not really, but I am doing well. Many are impressed.
In many ways I am because I have accomplished a lot by coming back to school, choosing a new career path and living on my own. But (there's always a but) a huge part of me feels like I have hardly scratched the surface of my potential. I yearn to be creative, to be the artstar I was supposed to be the first time around, to finish what I started and to achieve recognition, to realize myself and to more deeply understand myself. I'm often on confusion about who I am. And I have a fear of not seeing it through.
So that's where I am. I have started drawing again and I am writing lyrics and I have a cool friend to collaborate with. The difficulty is not wanting to run far away from my current life as a student. At times I feel so stifled and I feel like I have to be someone I'm not but it is practical and giving order to my creative side. Still, I hope it resolves itself some day. I'm still not sure what I will accomplish but I'm trying to be faith filled. As a kid I was so passionate about what I loved but then I began to care so much BC of what others thought. I'd love to have the courage of someone like Black Chyna. She really doesn't care what ppl think of her and I admire that.
I see myself so much in this article. I've completely lost touch with my passions in life, and have sort of lost hope for ever rekindling them. I've always loved to write and draw, but I don't do either anymore, because a well meaning family member told me I couldn't make a living at those things, and I believed him. I love interior design, but somehow learned from others that it was frivolous and not worthy of my time. I like to garden but have little faith in my ability to succeed at keeping plants alive. Little by little, I have given up the things that matter most to me, in favor of a misguided attempt to please others, and my life has been greatly diminished as a result. This article has helped me understand the importance of trying to make myself happier by pursuing some of the things I truly enjoy. Perhaps I can make a new start. Thank you, Jane, for this inspiring article.
I so hear you, Sharon, and I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself. How many of us have had our passions stifled as a result of a well-meaning family member or friend's efforts to "protect" us from failure! And yet it's the very way we discover ourselves, and find our lifeblood, by taking a chance on ourselves instead of the chances we take on everyone else. It's never too late to make a new start, Sharon. Trust yourself to know what you need more than anyone else can, and don't be afraid of finding out. It's the journey that give us life and nourishes our souls, as much as any outcome. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says; the only person you answer to is you!
Hi Jane,
Passion for my life what keeps me going. Refusing to accept all the turbulence and the set back as my fate. I have passion to love and care for myself wholeheartedly. This is the first time I am learning to love myself, to be compassionate towards myself and that is a totally different sense of achievements. The biggest milestone for me. I stop settling for less, I live in the moment and I take things one day at a time focusing on me only me. That's my passion. Me is my passion. Keep up the good work Jane. Your articles have really helped me to take my step in loving my single life and being the best me.
Beautiful, Sarah. I love how you've put this. So glad these articles are helping you see this for yourself!
i'm passionate about meeting new people & making new friends because i see the same friends for 5 days which is part of my social group (2 of them), i'm also passionate about travelling the world & going on adventures n seeing places i've never been b4 but want to try them, example: a new shopping centre or cafe has opened i would want to try it, i don't mind if it's far away from me, some of my friends who are men don't want to adventure out bcoz they don't have the time to do it.
What a beautiful way to explore this world and get to know yourself better, Courtney. Being always open to new people and new places and new adventures along the way! 🙂