Our beautiful friend, Layla, is in a friends with benefits situation and is asking for our help.
Her Letter:
Hi Jane,
Please can you post this message, as I want to get as much feedback as I can...I am really at the end with this one!
I came across your website today and it really prompted me to write to you for some advice/help.
I have a "friend" who I became close with about 6 months ago and we started sleeping together.
He told me from the start that he did not want to date me and I simply agreed. I thought I could end it anytime and I realize now that I can't.
We have spent every single day together for 6 months, he has met my family, we go out together, movies together etc...
About 3 months ago he moved into my place for about a month, as he lost his job and I told him to come...I then ask him to move out again, as I was struggling with the situation and not being able to call him my boyfriend.
We have done everything together, we got invited to weddings together, cook together, sleep together...EVERYTHING!
He told me I am beautiful and often compliments me, hold my hand, hugs me, kisses me and tries to encourage me.... then there is the other side... he is unemployed, smokes a lot of weed, can sometimes insult me without thinking and often says things about other girls and ask me if I am jealous.
He tells me I deserve to find a good guy but, he will not date me because I am not 'pure' and have a past.
He still smokes weed daily but, I do not give him money for it and he is staying with another guy now who supports him.
Often when we are getting to close, he will tell me that we are not a couple and when I have asked him what he thinks we are...he says really good friends!
When I talk about other guys, he gets jealous and he has very low self-esteem and is always asking me if he is good looking enough, smart enough etc.
I tried to sit him down twice and tell him I can't do this anymore and I even cried my eyes out but, he said he understood and left for 3 weeks. We talk every day on the phone and text and he always says he misses me and loves spending all the time he has with me but, I don't get it!!!
Part of me knows that I need to be strong enough and walk away from this situation, but part of me does not want to lose him and would like us to be just friends.
I don't want to have another talk with him because he says I always push him out when I feel guilty, which is true.
How to I practically deal with this situation, when he texts me every day and asks to come and see me?
Although he no longer stays with me, there are times he comes and stays over... even if there is no sex involved... he will just hug me and watch a movie! I am struggling, this is not my idea of a relationship and I know deep down I deserve to be loved, but I keep justifying that maybe he went through a lot and needs someone to show him she is not going to leave like they all did.... I don't know anymore!
Layla
My Response:
Dear Layla,
There's always a reason we start to question what we're doing.
You see, deep down inside, we know if a situation isn't right for us. We don't really need anyone to tell us.
We know.
We can go for a long time making excuses for someone and convincing ourselves why we should stay and accept the behaviors we're accepting in exchange for whatever benefits we believe we're getting in return.
But at some point, that little nudging within ourselves starts getting a little louder, pushing us to be heard, until we can no longer ignore what's really going on.
And then it begins.
We start to question, we start to ask ourselves kind of questions that get us thinking about what's really going on. We start to see things we didn't see before. And then, as you're now finding out, we come to a place where we no longer wonder if this is OK or not.
Deep down, we know.
And that's where it all begins, Layla.
You see, you're not here to rescue him - or anyone else. Your role isn't to save him to the detriment of your own beautiful self. He's a grown man, and although he may have self-esteem issues and may be going through a hard time right now, these are his issues to sort out and not yours.
I understand you care, you want to help, you want to show him a different kind of love, but the way that he's treating you - the things that he's saying to you - isn't how anyone deserves to be treated.
You've already tried talking to him about all this, and you've gotten your answer from him: he's not going to date you, he doesn't want a committed relationship with you, he's not going to give you anything more than this. He's quite content with the way things are.
And why wouldn't he be? He has you, this beautiful woman you are with so much to offer, so much to give, without having to make any kind of commitment.
It's because you're such a beautiful soul that you're able to convince yourself that you can help him, that he deserves to be helped, and you're so giving, loving, caring, and understanding that you do this so naturally.
All the benefits of a girlfriend, of someone with such a beautiful giving heart as you, and he gets to have all this without giving you anything but a little intimacy and some company when he feels like it. He has it so good!
You know all this, Layla.
Deep down, you know. Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts here.
His terms are clear, but what are yours? This is always your decision, you are doing the choosing here, and it comes down to what you're willing to accept and what you're not.
Define your own terms, set your own boundaries.
You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same kind of committed relationship as you do, and is willing to do whatever it takes to have that with you. That's what you deserve, my beautiful friend!
Take out the fear, take out the feeling that this is all there is for you, that he's as good as you're going to get.
These aren't truths, these are fears that have no basis and no place in our lives. It's the opposite, Layla. There is so much more awaiting you! There is such an abundance of love out there for you! Don't hold yourself back believing that love will conquer all and he'll eventually come around, or that you're the heroine in a tragic fairytale.
None of these are true.
What is true is that this is your life to create the way you want it to be be. You choose who you allow in it. You choose what behaviors you allow and which ones you don't. You choose who can call you, who can date you, who can spend time with you, who can have sex with you. You're the one doing the choosing here and not the other way around.
If you've truly had enough, then you know what to do Layla. You are that strong if you want to be.
You can cut off contact with the touch of a button. You can end the back and forth with a word, with an action, with a changed lock if he has a key, with a refusal to open your door and your life - but only if you choose to.
It isn't unkind, it isn't mean, it isn't selfish, it's what loving yourself and putting yourself and your own needs before anyone else looks like.
It is always, always your choice!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? What would you do if you were in Layla's situation? Tell us in the comments!
I had kind of fwb going on for lets say 16months.We are coworkers.We have never set boundaries or admit it was fwb from begining...It was fun,it was relationship where we had respect for each other,we liked each other.Ive never had any expectations of where we stand and where this is gonna go...Then months later it started to make me think a lot,I was overanalyzing every words and moves..I had to back off a bit because I wanted to keep myself under control and didnt want to fall in trap =love.But it bothered me more and more especially at work where we had to work together.Nobody ever knew about us except of few people but I didnt want anyone to know about us because of my ex partner that I broke with long time ago and he caused me a lot of trouble.
My friend was really chaser,gave me a lot of attention,called me or text me a lot. Always was trying to make time to see me.He stayed over nights or I stayed in his apartment.It was just not purely for sex even we never went out together or did some activities together...Since begining he was in to me without any doubt.We both had busy lives but we were seiing each other few times per week. I was never running after him,no pressure,hardly contacted him..lets say I was mirroring him all the time,was never clingy. It wasnt play hard to get,it was simply in natural way where I had my own things going on in my life and wasnt simply focus on him. Sometimes we had no contact for week or two and he was always the one who contacted me to see me.Sometimes it seemed that we are taking all this very slowly and maybe we could eventually end up together in relationship..
But as I said somehow my head started asking for too many things and I couldnt find answers and yet I was scared to ask.Then I just realized that I like this man too much to be just friend.I took a chance and told him that I want to get to know him better and spend more time with him....Unfortunatelly he said he doesnt want girlfriend now.Honestly I felt a bit down but not rejected.He gave me a clear answer so I took it as it was and wanted to end it.I respected his decision and didnt make any drama of it. Unfortunately he thought we will carry on like we did and couldnt accept my decision of ending it.He was still calling and texting to meet up but suddenly all respect was lost and I felt hurt and very bad.He wanted to have sex with me even he knew what I felt for him!That made me really upset!Working with him became the worst part of it.I couldnt focus,I couldnt properly talk to him,I was upset , nervous and he knew that.Sometimes he distanted himself too but mostly he was chasing me at work ,joking around and made a fun of what I actually felt for him...When I came home after shift I felt completely emotionally emty,screwed out and tired because he gave me really hard time...
Then later he called again asking me how Iam and maybe he could come for drink...When I end things with him I said to him we dont have to fight or make a big dillema of that..he always said we are good friends and we will be..As he was always saying this he did the right opposite way.He never acted as friend.Because friends are coming to visit you for talk,for drink anytime....But he didnt,he was expecting to have bonus at the top of it.And because he knew he wont get it he never made effort to just come around as friend. And that hurt mostly!!!!! That showed me no respect,feeling like a crap!! So when he tried to call for another time I took the power and started to yell at him and said everything what I had on my mind.The main thing I said that Iam so dissapointed by him that he was treating me this way like Iam just a tool and not even worthy for him to let me know that he wont be coming around,cant be friends bla bla bla...I let him know strictly I no longer wish him to contact me and just move on and leave me alone.....
At the end I set boundaries with him ,I told him what I dont like and I wont let him to treat me like a crap.I let him go so I wanted from him to let me go as well.I didnt want to have fight and make it worse coz we had to work together at the same department.I didnt want us to be enemies,I didnt want to hate him and completely remove him from my life because I still believe he is not a bad man.He wasnt just mature enough to realize what he was doing and maybe what he had...
We no longer seeing each other apart from work.I cut off contact with him ,deleted his number, fcb.I needed time to heal.Today our relationship is established and I would say it is as good as before when we started fwb. He found his respect for me again and acting very sensible around me.He still sometimes pop out question when we are gonna go for drink,ask if I have boyfriend and what are my plans but I just smile and never reply ...:-)
"He wasn't just mature enough to realize what he was doing and maybe what he had..." - So true, Lucy. When we understand this part, it makes it easier for us to move on because instead of setting the relationship in terms of "good" and "bad", it becomes the reality of two people on two different pages and not the perception that we've been rejected for not being enough. You figured this out for yourself by taking back your power and doing what you needed to do for you, regardless of where he was at and what he could and couldn't give you. Thank you for sharing!
Jane here is the situation in a summary.... the person is my sister and even though its her own life and decisions I find that it is affecting our relationship, in that she is my elder sister and now it seems that I have no respect for her and slowly losing my bond with her:
Situtation: Sister gets pregnant for player. She makes baby, falls deeply in love with said player, who after birth of my niece goes and gets married without my sister's knowledge. He charms her with words and she quickly forgives him. His wife makes a baby, at this time he is now the father of three children all by different baby mama's..... said sister is still deeply and madly in love. She complains how he has no time for her and her daughter, how he has to split his time. These days it seems to me that they have reached some sort of compromise that he is too fine and that he in being such a studmuffin can carry on like he has two families (and who knows how much else)... I feel so sad that my sister is allowing this, and even much sadder by the example they are setting for my adorable niece.
I cannot comprehend this,,,, to her he is the best thing around and to my knowledge almost everyday she is upset about something that he's done but then concludes that she's too in love to give him up. Sigh
It is so sad, Sakura. And unfortunately it occurs far too often. How fortunate she is to have you in her life, even if she can't see this for herself. You can be there for your niece, you can be there to give her that reality check in those moments when she might be a little open to hear what you have to say, you can be a positive influence just be being who you are. It might not seem like much, but it is. And especially for your niece to have you to show her something different and be a role model for her as she gets older. That's huge, Sakura. She's living out of her own fears, out of her own needs and issues, and she has to want to look at herself and see a different way before she can change what she's doing. At some point, if she's open, if it gets bad enough that she can no longer believe the stories she's telling herself to be able to live like this, she'll be more open to hearing the truth. But in the meantime, take care of yourself, do what you need to do for you, and know that she's doing the best with what she knows right now. It's so hard to watch, I know, but you're doing as much as she's letting you do right now. It has to come from her.
Thank you ALL for your words, advise and sometimes hard truths! You right, I need to let go and trust that things will work out the way I need to. I need to be strong enough to say THIS IS IT and walk away and the truth is, I am terrified to do just that because, deep down I know the heartbreaking feelings that will hit me in the beginning!
I am finding the strength and blogs like this really help me, so thank you
One last thing,
I said that you can only know if he really wants to be with you if you let him go,
I dont want to cause a misunderstanding here...
Because i think you will see, that when you let him go...
He will try to get back at you, to cantact you more, to even use some sweet nice words.
So he can get you back, he will miss the benefits and maybe even miss parts of you.
It is possible that he will really try his best to see you again, try to get back to those benefits without the strings attached.
That will be the time for you to stand strong in your decision, if not ,it will be easy for him to touch your sensitive parts and your emotions.
Because he know very well, maybe counsiouselly maybe instinctively how to string you allong, and he will try to see for himself, what is it still he can get from you.
I dont know about you, i dont know about him, i dont know what will happen.
I only know that this is how it goes many times...
I just want to warn you a little bit...so you can see through his behaviour, if needed.
Because in that times, we may be quick to think.
Ohhh he misses he, ohh he cares for me...because we crave this attention.
We want to believe this, so we fall for it.
Dont fall for it!
Besides that, i dont think he's capable right now to be the man you really need and desire and deserve deep in your heart. Even if he would want to be with you!
I told you i could go on and on 🙂
I hope i didnt say to much, or i hope i didnt made it to confusing! Just hope that this helps!
So now i read the earlier posts and i see that i'm kinda late with my post :):):)
Just one comment more Layla...
I'm so glad to see, that you think about your future and that you realise that this is standing in your way!!!
Hold on to dear life to that, this will save you 🙂
Focus on that!
It's normal that you are attracted to his good side, he also gave you many good moments.And you shared many things, you cant ignore that.
Dont punish yourself for your feelings about this, this is normal and will fade when you move forward.
But however BE BEWARE! to not let yourself be guided, blinded by these feelings because you know to where that leads!! Catch yourself in time.
You will get there!
For the rest just listen to Janee, and you will be alright :)))
Just to thank you so much Jane, for what you offer!!
Dear Layla,
I hope you will read this, and i hope you can find some help in it.
In all the things that you read here, i hope you will find the strenght and the courage to do the right thing!!
I understand how you are feeling..
I've been in the same kind of situation..
And although i knew very well it was not good for me...i wasnt prepared to let it go, or i wasnt ready.
Even though everyone kept telling me to let it go, and even though i was the one asking for advise...At the end of the day..i kept going back, and i kept making the "wrong dicision".
Only to reallise later...that i should stopped it much earlier..
Only later to be dissapointent and angry at myself for not listening to people who had a clearer vieuw on the situation.
Only to be sad, torn and heartbroken later to see how i gave myself away, gave my worth away, gave my heart and soul to someone who doesnt REALLY love me, who doesnt deserved it.
Giving so much of myself just to get back some crumps.
It left me really feeling small, low, USED!
And angry because i was the one who LET him USE me...
A huge deal of this pain would not have been there if i listened to the good advice of friends and family...
If i only would have listened i said to myself later on, it would not only have coust me a great deal of pain but also timee. Ohh God, i wasted 3years of my precious life with that.
But in that time i was too blinded by my emotions, my desires, my insecurities.
In the end i didnt really believe i could let him go...while offcourse that was a lie!
I wanted to believe, what we had was somehow special, that he really cared...
That i could make him care, that maybe one day he would change his mind!
Blinded i was by the intensity of my feelings, losing my mind over it.
A little bit like a drug, taking me through highs and lows, but in the end doing more harm than good.
Maybe you recognize this.
We are all gifted with a beautifull mind, it's a shame how i used to throw that gift away...
Only to follow my lower desires...
And sure, in a sense he cared for me. But in the end it just was not worth it!
Really not worth it!
So for you the same thing.
I he really want to be with you, i believe you will only find out if you let him go.
If you really show him, that you dont allow him anymore to string you allong however he pleases, if you show him that you value yourself enough to not accept this anymore.
And if not, it means he's not right for you and there's someone much better for you!!
Someone who will love you for all that you are, and all that you are not!
You have no businees with someone who's not there for you! Dont put your heart on the line like this sweetheart!
Dont keep doing this to yourself,
You're selling yourself short, the beautifull pearl that you are.
Value that, you deserve a love that is real!
If you would have a really valuable beautifull pearl, you would not hand it over to someone who would use it poorly right? Someone who would use it like it's a toy, Someone who would play in the dirt with it right??
You would not, So do not allow that with yourself either...
You are far more valuable than that pearl!!!
I know that this is really though for you,
And letting him go, is really difficult for you!
It's very normal to feel like that, after all you shared with him! A very strong band i created and it's painfull to cut that!
And you will miss him, and, and ,and...
But believing in yourself,
believing in your value,
Thinking different about yourself, and refusing to let someone have so much power over you, refusing to let someone play with you like that.
Protecting your heart!
will make it easier, and will help you through!
Nobody can make this desicioun for you,
You have to find the strenght and courage to make it for yourself...
But now and them people can push you in the right direction...
So i really hope you allow us to give you a good push 🙂
I can go on and on about this, but i will stop now 🙂
I hope in the least you can get something out of it...
I wish you all the best! And that the situation will be worked out for the best!
That you will receive all the help you need, and that you will get out of this..
Stronger and wiser than before...and that you will find a love that is real!
Hi All,
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to write to me and give me advise, it is so touching to see people not judge me but rather trying to help me. It is also nice that a guy reply on this and who said things that is touching me deeply because, I never saw them as they are. I live in a small country where meeting new people is difficult, I have 2-3 friends and not much social life... however, I do have a good job, big dreams and hopes for my future and I know that allowing this guy to stay in my life is keeping me from those dreams. Thank you Jane for the article on pasts, I think that the biggest judge in my life for my mistakes is me... because so many guys have thrown that in my face but, they also tend to be the same guys time after time. I do think I have a good heart, I do think I can be a good wife and mother(one day) but, I also think I have a lot of learning and changes to make in learning to love myself. All your advise is brilliant and TRUE, each and everyone has said something I felt/ feel towards this situation and yes, mustering the courage and strength to walk away is difficult and is going to hurt me... but, the reality of my future if I continue is even more scary! Someone asked me what I am attracted too and to be honest, it is the good side of him that pulls me.... it's the compliments and the way he touches me that feels good but, the insults and the feeding of my insecurities is what makes me question it all....
Sorry if I caused confusion using the name 'Leah', It is a name I used for another website.... my name is Layla:)
I'm so glad this is helping to put things in perspective for you, Layla, to see things more clearly when you hear the same things said in so many different ways from people from all walks of life, all over the world. Know that you're worth so much more than any crumbs you're settling for, even if those crumbs seem like so much; they're not. Know that it's only in your own mind that you doubt your worth and what you're truly capable of - and that's the most powerful place of all, because once you shift the way you see this, it will absolutely change everything about your life. But I also know that we all come to the place where we're ready to take that next step on our timeline, and not anyone else's.
You have to want this for yourself, Layla; none of us can do it for you. When you're ready, when you get there, reread all these beautiful words of support to you. There is a community here that is unlike anything I could have ever imagined that is just waiting to help you through this, to embrace you, to remind you of all that you are and all that you have to offer. And when you do, you'll know exactly what to do. 🙂
Layla,
You are letting this man walk all over you. Also, he does not rate as boyfriend material. He is abusive of you, unemployed and has zero sense of integrity and responsibility. In other words he is bad news.
Things will never change. His feelings for you will never change. Rather they will get worse as you let him treat you like a piece of dirt.
You say you can't walk away from him. That is called being a victim. The truth is you CAN walk away from this jerk and break all ties with him. But you CHOOSE to tell yourself you can't cut him loose. Start telling yourself that you CAN totally break everything off. The man is not even worthy of your friendship. Choose self-love over fantasy land and misery. Prove to yourself that you love yourself first and foremost.
The sooner you do this the sooner you will feel better about yourself and your life.
Kathy
Right of the bet I have two problems with this guy. I do not like who he is. He is unemployed with no ability to support himself. Well, I sort of kind of almost understand. There are too many people in this situation these days. But what is he doing about it? Is he looking, researching, studying, struggling? Not! He is smoking weed! He is OK with it trying to get comfortable in this position of a useless person. And I would very much not like a bf like that for one and only one reason: boyfriends like that do not make good fathers and husbands. The second problem I have is with what he says about Leila:" He would not date her because she is not pure and has a past." OMGF#JICI...and all the letters of the alphabet! Everyone has a past (except for those who were born yesterday and not yet legal for him to date).Why use it as an excuse to not treat a woman with proper respect? Why blame her for things that are non of her fault. Unless of course she loves talking about her past or she is not quite over her past, then I would sort of understand. Honestly this guy is so not my type I can't even imagine myself falling for someone like him. But I do understand that tastes differ. The best thing to do is to understand what is it that you like or need about this man. Is it his looks? Is it the way you spend time together? Perhaps you can find the same or better with another
guy. Now go out there and try to meet that worthy guy.
The problem with Oxytocin. It's a bonding hormone. Beware of bonding to the wrong person by becoming physically involved. Oxytocin is in higher doses for a woman than a man, so ladies have to be more cautious. Once bonded, like super glue, it can be painful to pull apart.
Layla,
What do you want for yourself for the future? How would it feel to have someone whose actions matched his words? He leaves for three weeks, but continues to keep a hold on you by talking on the phone with you, telling you he misses you and loves spending time with you. Where is he then? If he could really commit to a relationship, he would. Sounds like he is unavailable for that. You mention wondering if part of this is that you may be trying to be someone who shows him you're not going to leave him like all the rest. Why do you think all the rest did end up leaving him? Maybe they were in reality finally fed up with the same treatment you're getting now. Right now you are in limbo, and that's one of the worst places for a woman to be in, where you are giving yourself and everything else to him with so little in return. It's all really all about him and what he wants. If a man really loves you, he won't put you through the emotional wringer and act so selfishly. He will want you to be happy, and that includes not wanting to cause you more pain by hanging around after you've told him to go away. That not respecting you. Here's a question for you to ponder: What is the wise thing for me to do, in light of my past experience, my present circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams? Asking myself that question at one time when I was in a somewhat similar situation was a real turning point for me. You have the strength to ultimately choose to love yourself more than you "think" you love him. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Layla and Jane communicated beautifully. Layla knows exactly what she should do. She is having a hard time mustering up the strength to do it. Physical needs (touch), emotional needs and sex is like a two edge sword.
We all have these needs, but have to learn to control them and not be controlled by them. It is the reason why we keep getting into the same trouble again and again. Remember that you are not a doctor and it is not your place to "help" adults. You want to be a whole person and want to have a relationship with one. If you have problems, do what is necessary to solve your own issues. Don't add someone to yours and don't expect someone else to take yours on. Create a friendship "without benefits" so you can see who you are getting involved with. That way you will have time to see if this person is going to be good for you and vice versa. Let a date be a date. Never spend all of your time with anyone. Do some things you like to do on your own so you will still have a life. May God protect you all.
Hi Layla...as a mature aged guy I have one thing to say immediately about this guy...hes a user & an abuser! ...& a coward...as a real man would not dream of doing this. Firstly he would not be contributing to the very thing hes condemning in you...what a hypocrite! Says he wont date you as you have a past but then continues to add to your past for the next man that comes along...what a drop kick! Kick him to the curb as with his bad attitude from the get go it will only get worse. If he has no respect for you now & belittles (abuses) you now what looks positive for the future with that preliminary disclosure. We all have made mistakes we've all come short but to be the instigator of you making more mistakes he's bad news. You deserve only true sacrificial love from a man willing to lay down his life for you not crush you. Praying GOD gives you the strength & respect for yourself to send him packin!
Paul.
Totally agree! I hate it when guys blame women for their own sins.
hi Layla. 🙂 Nice to "meet" you. First and foremost, without having looked at Jane's response or any other's...the first 3 words that I typed that came to mind were " you do know." I then read Jane's response which confirmed to me that yap...your gentle heart is speaking to you...even gently tugging at you to help it out, to nurture it, to love it, to give it what it truly deserves. :-/. There are several different points I wish for you to "listen" and "consider", ok? Now this is TRUE for anyone reading this, myself INCLUDED! When we start a friends with benefits situation, there is always risk involved. Sex early on in a "relationship" can often times create "blinders" and prevent us from truly seeing the truth or we find ourselves rationalizing petty things in the beginning which could and often times become potential hindrances in a relationship. We all need to establish healthy boundaries when it comes to sex. 🙂 Too soon often times early on or immediate sex tilts the scale and makes it difficult to really assess a "true weight" in a "relationship". In fact, you are in a "relationship" with this guy already but an unhealthy one and you know that, right Layla?
You need to focus on several things here. There are 2 points of non-commitment with this man. 1) Non-commitment to this "relationship" and 2) a non-commitment on his part to deal with his personal issues such as low self-esteem, drug usage, unemployment, and sometimes a verbally abusive behavior towards you. Like Jane said...it's not your place to change someone or be "supportive" in this situation. Your "support" has led you to where you are now and it's draining your emotional and physical energy in the wrong way.
Layla...you need to summon the courage to let this person go from your life. Consider writing a goodbye letter. Because he is texting you daily, I am almost sure there is a way to block his number. You may also consider sending him that goodbye letter but DON'T do it right away. Really think things over first, reread the letter by adding or deleting stuff because once it's sent, it's "done". Keep it positive but you need to enforce in the letter that he needs to go on without you as there seems to be a lot of unhealthy co-depency he has towards you (I would not mention that part to him though). Just google “how to write a goodbye letter to your boyfriend” and this will strum up some ideas if you are struggling with the right words. If you are really struggling period, consider seeing a counselor. You may only need a few sessions. 😉 You will learn greatly from this. I have from my 6 month relationship in 2013 and I now have wisdom and stregth to share.
Consider joining a Meetup group in your area. I’ve done so as I was in a VERY painful breakup ( 6 month relationship like yourself) which was dysfunctional but meeting other men and women helped me re-establish friendships and healthy activities in my life and re-establish great emotional support along the way. It’s been nothing short of fantastic for my life. I would STRONGLY encourage you checking meetup.com, ok? !!
You know what you have to do but are seriously struggling to summon the strength to do so and you are questioning your inner strength, your inner resources. Well good for you and I am sooo proud of you Layla for reaching out and taking that huge first step!!. It is a true sign of strength in any man, in any woman! Proud of you girl! ;-/ !
I wish you all the best Layla…
Big fat octopus hugs….
Luc
Layla,
Please walk away and don't look back. It is hard to stop contact but if you two were on the same page, he would be your boyfriend. I have been in your shoes. You are worthy and deserving of true love. Get out there! Date, have fun and you will build up your self esteem and you will be ready for when the right one does show up! Good luck!
Tina
Great answer Jane! When you love yourself, you know what love looks like, feels like, is like. Accepting differently may mean you don't know or haven't met love yet otherwise you wouldn't take crap and try to justify it for love. She's settling and in all reality, this reads as an abusive relationship. She deserves better and I hope she gets better and not think that he will get any better.
Reading your reply Jane and the comments above, has got me sitting in tears because I know for a FACT that what you say is correct. I have the most horrible fear of rejection and seeking others approval, that I tend to hold on to negative things, instead of walk away... You have all spoken about my worth and I think my biggest problem is that I don't see myself as worthy because of past mistakes I made with men. It is difficult to let go of this guy and I think in a twisted way I have developed a love for him that is so hard to walk away from... I have a lot of self discovery to do and the thought scares me, as it requires me to go back to the root of my problems. Does this mean I never talk to him again, do I just stop contact and not even remain friends?? I don't know if I can do it.... and I am not trying to sound weak!:(
Layla, it's ok to be weak. in fact, vulnerability takes a lot of strength and courage, it's not easy for us, so we rather hide it and pretend to be strong and happy to others. Just accepting that you can be weak and that's ok to be weak is great step and takes a lot of courage, good for you! 🙂
You say you don't know you can do it and I get that, I have problematic situation with my friend, it's different but it took me half a year to accept that I'm unhappy in the way my friendship goes and stop hoping for any change. I was only delaying the inevitable but the fact is I can do it. You can do it too. How? By believing in yourself, by being honest with yourself, by valuing everything what's good on you, how well you treat others, see there is your worth and you can simply acknowledge it. Your feelings won't change overnight, you won't suddenly find yourself worthy of what you deserve, it's a challenging process. You can simply accept that you're work in progress as the rest of us. All it takes is one small step in the right direction, the rest will follow. I see you are already making the right steps. You sent your mail to Jane asking for help. You acknowledged what you already know about this situation, about how you feel. You see, things are going somewhere now and this is great! You can be happy just with this progress, this is good enough 🙂
I think one of the biggest challenges (I don't use the word problem here, it's simply challenging) is the difference between what we know and how we feel. It takes a lot of time, lot of steps, to align those two.
You feel scared to let go and that's natural feeling in your situation. What can you do? You can take a piece of paper and make two columns. One will stand for staying with the guy and other will be for leaving him completely. Now try to imagine vividly the situation, how it will go. In the case of staying, write down how it is now. Write down how you will feel, what will be the advantages? Short term and long term. What will be disadvantages? List it all and then compare. Does it now seem less scary or not? You can also take another piece of paper and write down the worst case how you imagine after leaving the guy. What can possibly happen? Try to name all those fears, put a name on them so they won't hide in uncertainty, in the darkness. When our fears are exposed like that, they will lose their power and won't be nearly as scary.
How would you feel after a week? After a month? It will hurt, you will feel a loss but it's the end of the world or is it new beginning? Could be new opportunity? To meet new people, you can find a new friend, maybe more than that. Things can change and the are plenty opportunities in our lives, we can feel more in control of our lives by taking advantage of those opportunities. Like right now getting some feedback on this site, isn't it great? And it took only a little, sending a mail to Jane 🙂
What would I do? I would stop all contact, reach your friends, your family, turn to those who really care for you, they can support you through the tough times. Does it mean you will never talk to your friend again? That's not certain either. Maybe in distant future things will change, his priorities in life will change and you could be friends. Maybe not, maybe you meet new wonderful people and won't feel the need to be friends anymore. The point is, you don't have to deal with absolutes, you don't have to manufacture certainty how you future will be. What should happen will happen, as long as you allow it, accept it and choose if you want it or not. For now you can simply walk away and try to be strong.
Yes, you can do it, just try 🙂
Dear Layla,
I perfectly understand your feelings because I've been there. But don't you see that this person he's rejecting you every single day? Through his words, through his behavior? There's nothing worse than that! If you choose to get rid of him things can only get better. I promise you.
We are human beings, Layla, we all make mistakes: the only important thing is that we learn from them. And now you must learn from this one. You're helping him destroy yourself. Please, please stop. This "love" is not sane. Actually, I think you're not in love with him, you just became codependent. He's your drug. Really. ...So, yes, you have to stop and walk away.
You need and deserve to love yourself and to surround yourself with people like you, with the same qualities and the same values. Self discovery scares everybody but if you take tiny little steps in this direction every day it's going to be much easier and even enjoyable. Why don't you express your desire to help others volunteering somewhere? It would help you understand and see your worth and exchange positive feelings with who you help (either human or animal) and with other volunteers. Change your world, Layla, express your beautiful self. Happiness and love will come hold your hand.
Love,
Rob
I'm so glad your getting such an outpouring of support here, Layla! You're so loved, you're so understood here. In fact, your words here reminded me of a letter I received from another beautiful woman some time ago who had also forgotten her worth because of her past mistakes she made with men. I wrote a post after I replied to her, because I realized how much this issue of worth is at the core of so many of our relationships and why we choose who we do, and why settle for what we do, and why we have such a hard time seeing all this for ourselves when it's happening to us. So I'm including the link to that post here, Is your past getting in the way of your future? in case you haven't read it. I hope you can feel the love for you, and all the support in the world!
You can do iT Layla!
Don't doubt yourself. And yes you can stop being his friend.
If you really can't let him go, then make a break to not contact him
For a long period of time. So you can heal and take care of yourself.
I've moved from a city and lost him and other friends, along the way.
I was also at point where I thought... I need to leave from here and start over.
I didn't even had the money for it.. I had free excess to a library and computer..
I started to read Janes blog! In the beginning that was my only positive
Motivation! Can you imagine...
But I also felt fear, I don't want to be alone and start over.
But after months(now years) I can tell you I felt stronger and
Have met new people! And have discovered more about myself.
This really took some time...
But it's clear when you do the right thing and follow your
Heart. Really good things happened!
So the change can come, but you really have to
Make a decision and stay with it!
What will make you happy at the long term?
Do that!
Dear Layla,
I think this person is using you. If you're sincere to yourself you can see that quite easily. He's unemployed, he doesn't love you but he comes to you whenever he needs to fulfil some basic need: sex, affection, shelter, money to buy his weed. You say he's got self-esteem issues but he perfectly knows that you have too (otherwise, you wouldn't allow such a destructive person in your life). The difference between the two of you is that he is a harmful, negative and sly little boy, and you're a beautiful, caring, soft-hearted woman. ...He's also manipulative because he knows he's destroying your life but he doesn't care because your low self-esteem allows him to take advantage of all your qualities.
So, I would suggest you to do this:
1. Recognize that this person's sucking the life out of you, that he's destroying you and that he's stealing your energies, your qualities and the time of your life. ...We don't live forever and we all have one life so let him waste his own.
2. Recognize that your happiness depends on you and that you're responsible for it. Grab your life in your hands and make it awesome! There must be no place for negative people in it. Block his number, his email, change your lock, move to another apartment if you have too many memories of him there.... Do whatever you need (I'm sure deep inside you know what to do because you're a caring person and you know how to help people) to get rid of him. You really need to kick him out of your life because I can promise you he will never, ever, ever be able to make you feel decent.
3. Start over your life. Listen to your low self-esteem: it seems it's against you but, in reality, if you let the voice within speak, you'll see that it's just telling you that your needs of love, respect, joy and fulfilment haven't been met. It's asking you to take action for yourself! Start from yourself, Layla, use all your amazing qualities to heal your wounds, to love yourself, to buildd an amazing life: every day in everything you do and think. It's a journey, it's going to be difficult sometimes, but you're not alone.... In some way, we've all been there and we're making the journey together...
Choose your life, Layla, choose your smile, choose your dreams and look forward because when you choose happiness, it just comes.
A huge hug,
Rob
Layla, Jane said it best. You need to see
Your worth! You are worth everything
you desire and there is someone out
there who is trying to get to you but not
until you releases this. Cast out this fear!
Love does not put you down and why
would you want someone with no vision
and no job. There is nothing else for you
to do with this situation. You gave your
all. He is so not the one for you. I promise
you when you realize your worth and
and let this go you will have peace and
this will be a learning experience and your
true love will come. ❤️
Well Jane is telling you the truth. You should think about it.
My experience was more than dramatic , but It is almost the same .
I was like crap when I broke up with my ex.
Now in this situation I had a lesson about love and life!
So in a crazy way, I have learned more.... But with a lot of work!
You were hoping for a fairy tale with a happy end.
You knew his character and saw his actions, yet you stayed.
This is very bad for yourself! Why? The heart and soul was whispering
That you do not need him!
Because your waisting your time
And good energy on someone who does not care.
I think he was using you(maybe he does not see it that way).
Do not make up excuses "but he had a bad childhood or he had a drug habit bla bla"
This is not your responsibility! That's his own responsibility!
Leave it there...
Sounds to me that he is not yet mature, so don't expect to much!
You need to protect your heart and soul. And be tough and cut him
Out of your life. Don't hate him! Learn to forgive and let go! (Some heal fast and
Others heal slower)
IFriendship with an unhealthy ex boy, is
Not so good for you. You need someone who is drama free!
Look at the path thats in front of you. You have a good heart, that is something
Beautiful. Use that heart to guide you in life !
When u release ur hold on this 'boy', it frees ur hands up to receive something better;- a real man that can compromise and love. Stop punishing urself and look to the past;- what childhood issue r u reliving? Forgive whomever ur seeking approval from and get off the roundabout ur stuck on, stop looking at the same scenery over and over. Forgive urself most of all so u can then move forward and find out who u really are, exit the roundabout, taking one day at a time. Choose to go on the greatest adventure of all;- the one where ur happy and content with urself.
That was a great answer from Jane. That is what should be done as much as it is difficult to "cut someone out of your life". Sometimes you just have too do what needs to be done to save your sanity and your life. Many of us and like myself have been in such similar situations and after years of "trying" to make it work we then realise that the guys is not on the "same page" with us. He is not ready to commit and may never be ready to commit but yet we "throw away" our years and youth "waiting" for a man who may never come around. The choice is always ours, whether we want to risk waiting for this guy to come around or moving on with our lives. No one can help us make it but us. Deep down inside, no matter how many people tell us this guy isnt good for us, we are the one who have to make that sensible decision and know when enough is enough and just walk away... deep down we KNOWS THE TRUTH...Its time to move on and find someone who truly love us.
Dear Layla, could you imagine that man being the father of your children? would this man be an example for your children? would he inspire your son to become a responsible, caring and loving man? the answer is crystal clear. NO.
good luck!
madina
Dear Layla,
I found myself in the same situation at one time, but the outcome was this. I had two kids with him, and eventually married him. I thought that if we got married, then I had a say in his smoking and drinking. However, I was wrong. Now, fifteen years later...I have two beautiful children and I a pain in the butt ex-husband. Ask yourself this question, "where do you see yourself with this man fifteen years down the road?" I am glad that I have my kids, but I have to deal with this man every week until my youngest is eighteen. That is another five years!!!! Maybe this will help you make the decision to leave BEFORE you have kids.
Good luck,
Sandy
Dear Layla, 1st of all, u re a beautyful lady. Never forget that. You deserve d best and he is nt what you want right now. Yes, u thnk u can save him from himself but the truth is, he has to want to be saved. I know the feeling of wanting to help but it is an excuse to stay one more day with this person. Let go and you will always wonder y it took you that long. You deserve better. . Don't let yourself be tied 2 something that has no future cos u feel u can save him. Like jane said, he ia a grown man. No 1 will hold you responsible if u decide to let go and that you should do cos d best is what you deserve. He doesnt see you as a couple,what more do you need to nove you? I wish you all d best as yoy make a decision.
The situation is pretty clear. First off, I respect the fact that he clearly stated that he doesn't want a committed relationship from the jump. Most men don't do that and string the woman on.
Your confused because even though he said that, he still behaves in a manner that signals"boyfriend" with the dates, affection, etc. But the only reason why he does it is because you allow him to. That only confuses you because your thinking "why does he keep coming around (calling, texting, telling me he misses me, etc) if he doesn't want me to be his woman?" I think it's because he has realized that he can get the benefits of a gf without having to claim her. You give him those benefits (sex, affection, outtings, shelter, etc) that he didn't work for. In essence, your in control but don't even realize it. You can choose what you allow.
He needs to get himself together anyways and your not the one to help him. He's not your obligation. He's not your man (remember) so you need not to feel as if you need to prove some sort of loyalty. If friendship is what you want, then stop behaving like a gf and stop letting him feed you with sweet nothings if he claims he doesn't want a relationship... Stop entertaining him completely, he'll either get himself together and commit (if thats what you want, you choose) or he'll be gone. Whatever happens, you protect yourself.
Jane,
I am in a similar situation. I have spent the last year of my life in a friends with benefits situation. He has called me every morning, night and throughout the day for the past year, as well as spending nearly every day (and a lot of nights) with me at my house. He says that he cares about me, that I'm his best friend, but that he isn't ready for a relationship (he was separated from his wife when we met, he is divorced now). He goes from being caring and cuddly to mean and distant over and over again. In the beginning he was very kind, now he "jokes" around and tells me that I'm too needy, fat, etc. The comments are always followed up with an "I'm just kidding", but they are hurtful. I feel like I'm chasing the person that he was in the beginning. He has never told me that he loves me or anything like that, but he has brought me home for holidays, I've met all of his family and most of his friends, and we've been on vacation together. I have a child and my child is extemely attached to him and his family. We had agreed in the beginning that if he began to talk to or see other people, he would tell me so that we could stop our "relationship". Recently I found out that he is still in contact (inappropriately) with other women. When I confronted him about it he said that it was my fault for going through his phone, that he didn't do anything wrong because we are "just friends". He has tried to end our "friendship" a few times, and after putting the pieces together it's always been when he's "talking" to one of these women. He told me that it wouldn't happen again, but I have a feeling he is just deleting the calls and texts from her so that I don't see them. He had already previously told me that he fills voids by getting involved with other women instead of being sad over a breakup or fight. When he calls me, I never know what kind of mood he will be in, sometimes he calls and is mean to me for no reason (although I believe it's because of guilt over talking to someone else). Things aren't always bad when we spend time together, and he does have a good side to him that I really like. But I am extremely tired of being treated badly and being snapped at, and I don't want to live in fear that everytime we have a fight he will just contact a girl he has on backup. But I don't know how to let go of the hope that one day he will decide that he wants to be with me and only me and treat me well all the time. I am afraid to let go because he is the only person in my life that is here on a daily basis. I also deeply care about him and hate the thought of not having him in my life. I have no friends or family near me, and I have anxiety issues so I am very scared to be alone and go through this alone. I want so badly for things to go back to the way they were in the beginning. How do I let go of this hope and face the situation for what it really is?
"But I don't know how to let go of the hope that one day he will decide that he wants to be with me and only me and treat me well all the time. I am afraid to let go because he is the only person in my life that is here on a daily basis. I also deeply care about him and hate the thought of not having him in my life. I have no friends or family near me, and I have anxiety issues so I am very scared to be alone and go through this alone. I want so badly for things to go back to the way they were in the beginning." - These were my exact words so many years ago, Confused. I understand exactly what you're saying here and so does almost every single woman on this site. We just want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning, and we have a million reasons why we can't let go of that hope that keeps every single one of us staying too long in relationships - or pseudo relationships - that we think we have to hold onto or we will miss out on our "last chance" or be lost forever without them. It's unthinkable when we're attached like this.
If you haven't already, I want you to read all the comments here to Layla, all the words from so many people from all walks of life, from all over the globe. This isn't really about him, it's about you, my beautiful friend. It's about you seeing your worth, realizing just how strong you really are, and coming to see the reality of what you're allowing in your life by staying in the place you're in and what you're missing out on. No one can tell you what to do here, but it starts with being open to see the reality of what is. You can't lose anything or anyone by choosing you. If he's meant to be in your life, it will be because he chooses to be, because you're on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You know that's not what you've got. You know just how one-sided this is. You know.
Find some support. Start taking baby steps towards making a life for you that you want. Start choosing you first. Your child can attach to someone else who treats his mother better than you're being treated here, Confused. You can find a way to make this all work for you without him no matter how many reasons you have that you can't if you really want it to. I'm convinced that the majority of our issues come from being with the wrong people in the wrong situations for our beautiful hearts and souls, and it's because we know this deep down inside us that our issues present themselves in the hopes that we'll stand up and finally take notice that something isn't right. There is help out there, there are counselors and therapists and support groups and meetups and organizations that are there to help if we want it.
Your hope is a beautiful quality, Confused, but save it for someone who's truly worthy of you and knows how to treat you. This can all stop with a word from you; that's just how powerful you really are, but you have to believe it, too. If you can see that behind all your questions, all this pain is fear, you can conquer it. You can know that if he does decide to change back to the way he used to be, you'll be the first to know. And you can also know that you can't change him, you can't make him love you the way you deserve to be loved. But you can love yourself, you can treat yourself with the love and compassion and respect and dignity that you so deserve. You're still the one doing the choosing here, even if it doesn't feel that way; this is always up to you!
Hi Layla,
I see Jane posted well written reply already so there isn't much that I can add to this. I agree with what's been said there. I'll try to keep it simple.
I see you're unhappy in your current situation and you're riding the emotional rollercoaster, from nice times to sad moments where it gets too much you need to cry. I see someone there who needs more love and that's you, I think you should allow to care for yourself more, put yourself on the first place and make a decision which will help you to be happier. What will you need to do for that? First, you need to accept your current situation and what you learned through your interactions with your friend. Accept what you have now instead of what you wish, how you would like it be, if it were to go according to your expectations. Sure, there can be changes in the future but it can go both ways too, it's not certain and you can control only your reaction to this situation, you can't control what your friend wants, likes, or needs. That's why I say focus on yourself, because that's the one place you can actually do something about, that's what you have control over.
As Jane wrote, you both want different things, you have different ideas about your relationship, you're not on a same page. You don't need to stay in a place which doesn't make you happy, you have no obligation to be there for someone else just because they enjoy it in their own way. Do something for yourself now, because you're worth finding someone who shares your values, shares your ideas about relationship, someone who can give you in the same way you give to others. The truth is, it takes a lot of searching and you don't have to stop settle for less, you can accept the current situation, accept that it's not making you happy as you would like it and make a choice, decision for yourself. You have all the power for that and you don't need anyone else's permission, not from your friend, not from Jane, not from me, only from yourself because you're in control of your own life so exercise that control 🙂
As Jane wrote, I'm sure you know all this deep down, this isn't exactly new information to you. I think we're there only to remind you if what you already knew. You came this long way because you needed to realize this, you needed to experience it on your own, to believe it for real. And that's ok, Layla, our lives are one big search for what we want, for who we are. There are no set rules what you need to do for someone else, who you need to be, when it's the right time ti figure it out. The best time is always now. Decide what to do now based on what is happening now, not just on your dreams, not on "if only this could change", decide based on what is the reality of now.
Please, allow yourself to be happy first, Layla, then others will enjoy your lasting, not temporary, happiness even more 🙂
I hope I added something to this discussion 🙂
Jan
Dear Jane,
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now, we met on a dating website but it was for married men. Although he is not married, he said at the time he didn't know that, that was for married men.
He lives an hour and half away and I only see him every two weeks, we text all day and we do talk twice a day he has never ever been the one to initiate the text messages or the phone calls I do it not once in almost a year. Recently over this past holiday we didn't spend it together he was with his family in another state, for two weeks he never ever told them about me and trust me I have asked him to, but he has met every one on my side of the family and they all love him. He also has a thirty one year old daughter he refuses to tell her about me again I have asked several times. I love this man so much and when were together and on the phone its I love you to and he tells me.he misses me all the time. Recently I asked him if he would ever get remarried and he said no, but he said that as long as Iwwould have him he would remain with me and I told him that I want to remain with him forever. I have two teenage daughters and for the.first six months we only went to hotels I refused to let him stay over at my house because of my girls, but now that he stays over only one night every two weeks, my.girls are complaining that they can hear everything from the bedroom, but when I ask him if we can go to a hotel he says he doesn't want to spend.the money since it costs him money to drive to come and see me. My daughters are very vocal that they dont like him but yet he continues to give them money for special occasions. And I have never been to his house and this bothers me in almost a year trust me I have asked. He works.for a car company as a car designer makes very.good money owns four homes and has eight cars, yet I live hand to mouth and have no car, he knows we struggle every day he has helped financially before but I feel.guilty and have never asked for him to help. Is it to much to demand that he tell hisfamily about me iincluding his daughter.
From what you are saying my intuition tells me that he is married. I would check into that bc why in all this time would you have not been invited to his house. Like Jane says we get to decide. I know it's easier said than done but in my opinion you are not being treated fair and deserve so much more!!!
Yes, there are a few red flags here.
1. You have never being to his place
2.He has not introduced you to Noone
3.He never calls himself
4. He spends holidays without you.
5. He only sees you once every two weeks.
Any one of those factors alone would make me suspicious, but together they paint a picture, saying that something must be off.But he provides financial support that you need, which is great. You can not lose that guy. Maybe you just need to call him less and try to see other people.