I tend to live in the heart. On the emotional side of life.
Like so many of us, I feel so much. I experience so much on that emotional level, and I love to connect with so many people, to connect with their energy and with what they’re going through. It took me a long time to accept this as my own reality, and with that acceptance came the clarity that allowed me to start seeing the truth instead of the lies that I was mistakenly believing as the truth.
I started to recognize when living this way was serving my life and when it wasn't. And when it wasn't serving my life, once I could recognize that, I was able to make small changes to get myself back on track.
You see, my beautiful friend, while I’m the first to say to follow your heart, love with abandon, follow your dream, I also know that for those of us who only know how to do that, and wind up getting burned in the process time and time again, there’s a little piece I’m adding just for you.
Bring your head along, too!
Because there’s a balance here. Keep your beautiful, soft, open heart. Keep that beautiful emotional side of you. But bring the practical side that your head holds too.
Why?
So when he doesn't call or text or skype, you don’t take it personally; you see it for what it is.
Not a reflection of you, not a rejection of you; in fact nothing personal at all about you! But about him and where he’s at.
While your heart is wondering what you did wrong, your head gently reminds you that you don’t want someone who doesn't want to call you.
So when he tells you he doesn't want a commitment, you can make a decision that’s based on reality, not fantasy.
While the part of you that lives in the heart wants to believe so much in the potential of what you think he could be, your head reminds you to believe what he's saying the first time.
We can hang on for longer than most living on those little crumbs of what if? And we can see what we want to see even though we’re the only one seeing it. But in the process, we only hurt ourselves and bring ourselves down to a level that’s never where we belong. Your head will remind you to see it for what it really is - two people on two different pages. That's all it is - it's nothing personal.
So when he disappears, you don’t go searching for him.
Your heart wonders what you did to drive him away, and wonders what you can do to get him back and get back to the way things were. Your head quietly points out that he's actually been gone for a while, and that it really wasn't as good as you remember it being.
Do you see what’s going on, my beautiful friend?
You need both.
That beautiful open-hearted emotional side of you that believes and connects and feels and loves with abandon. And you need at least a little of that practical, logical side of you that provides the reality check that says “you don’t really know him well enough yet” or “it might feel like great chemistry, but you’re just not compatible” or “ this isn't about you; it’s about him”.
You know, all the stuff our soft hearts used to learn the hard way.
Involved with a married man. Living together, I do not feel good about the situation, but I do love him.
He asked me to marry him, he purchased a ring. I took the ring back, because I feel, one door needs to be closed before opening another one. I now asked him to go back home to his wife.
I'm having a really hard time, its been 2 months since my ex broke up with me and I'm starting to feel worse again. Because of circumstances I have to see him on a regular basis and it is so hard to deal with. He ended it because he still doesn't feel ready for a commitment (although we were in a commited relationship for a year). He also told me he just doesn't see a future with anyone right now. Our relationship, as good as it was, doesn't fit with his plan. He's a great guy and treated me very well and when it ended he went on about how amazing I am and how much he likes me, that I've done nothing wrong. A week after he broke it off he asked me to talk because he was having a really hard time, but he decided he just can't be in a relationship. It was like being dumped twice. I have almost broken down many times and wanted to ask him to talk, but I'm afraid that he will tell me he's happier without me.
I'm really struggling. He seems fine and back to normal and I'm still crushed. I'm afraid to leave my current situation bc it will mean not seeing him and I am afraid leaving will ruin the chance he will want to be with me again. I'm afraid to stay bc I'm afraid that seeing him will become more painful and its almost unbearable as it is. Leaving would mean moving to a new city and nothing sounds okay. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and at the same time, where I am I just can't stay if we are really over.
Whenever you don't know what to do, Gemma, try to first quiet all the anxious feelings you're having that are making it difficult to see what's really going on underneath all of these choices that seem to each have their own consequences. Then when you're feeling calmer and your mind is able to think more clearly, think about what choice will bring about the greatest sense of peace and calm and leave you with the least amount of regrets. It also helps to peel away the layers around each choice to discover the fears that are you own, the realities that are true, and the lenses through which you're looking through that color everything you see. Focus on what you do have control over, not what you don't. When you're aware of all this, it helps to bring it all down to size so you can see what you're dealing with and see that it's much more manageable than it seems.
The times when I feel some sense of peace, I remember that I deserve to be with someone who loves me, not someone who has such a hard time deciding if I'm worth the commitment. My ex is a great guy and that makes it really hard to feel anything negative towards him. The inability to commit to me is his biggest fault and I have such a hard time keeping that at the front of my mind. Ive been here before, waiting and crying, and I hate it. I wish I knew how to step past this and feel confident and worthy. Mostly I just feel sad and always not quite good enough. Sometimes it does feel like I'll never find the love I really want. This last one was so good it was easy to convince myself that we would work out the timing and commitment issues. I just wanted it so badly. And I don't know how to let go of all that love when I see him on a regular basis, it's heartbreaking. Thanks for your responses and your posts, they have been so comforting at some of my worst moments.
I hear you, Gemma; and I'm gld you're finding some comfort here. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone helps. Try shifting your perspective from one where he's in control of your relationship and you're trying to get him to give you something you want and he can't give you - a push and pull kind of conflict - to one where you own your power. You're the one in control. "Getting him" to commit has absolutely nothing to do with your worthiness!
If I picked the one guy who could never give you what you're looking for because of his own issues and told you that you had to make him commit to you to prove your worthiness, you would think that was crazy! But because it's your guy, because there's such a pull there for you, it's so much harder to see that it's the same thing.
It's only the story you tell yourself that keeps you believing this. When you can see this for yourself for what it is - and how much in control of changing that story you really are, it will show you just how in control you are.
Ask yourself why you want something so badly that isn't on the same page as you, who doesn't want what you want, who isn't truly compatible with you in all the ways that matter to you. There's such insight in your answer.
Don't ever forget that you could be on his page, you could choose to just be looking for what he's looking for and not what you want, you could accept what he has to offer and where he's at and choose to settle for that. Feel that sense of empowerment that comes from knowing you can either keep fighting the reality of what is or you can choose to find your peace in accepting what is. You can do this!
I want tru love
Thank you to everyone am really gaining experience from this website. However I being in a relationship with this guy for 5 months we did everything together, he told me he loved me so much, our communication level is great. What i don't understand all of a sudden he told me he wants to be my friend. He said he wants the relationship but not right now. I know he is taking care of his mom cause she is sick but why did he lead me on telling me he is in love with me. I want to be there for him but he shut me out. Funny he calls me everyday always check on me and stuff he would even bring lunch to my work place. I have given him his space and i don't call him but he calls me. Do you think i should give up on him or just try to be there for him?
Only you know your situation well enough to know what to do here, Shanta. But if he's shutting you out, there's not a whole lot you can do except keep on living your own life, focusing on you, and keeping your options open. Are you ok with being just friends? If you're not, then you need to decide what being with him on a friendship level is worth to you, versus not having in your life at all. He's clearly defined his new terms and what he's willing to give you, now it's up to you to decide what your own terms are here and what you're still willing to give. Don't take any of this personally, clearly this is about him and what's going on with him and not you. Circumstances like him taking care of his mom can't change your relationship unless he wants it to.
The heart needs the mind to stay balanced. Often a wounded heart keeps finding those who resonate with its wounds. Only with making allies with the brain does it choose love wisely.
I can relate to this article. Bring your head along, but sometimes
I did not. I think most of the time i did not. This feels like a shame to admit.
Love or the fantasy of it would bring me in the clouds and see
The potential of him...
I would get caught up way to much.
And then i would think, like these days "where was my head back then"..
I guess the balans was off 🙂
Love is a balance thing . Give and take, receive .
We all go there, Maris; where we wonder the same thing. Don't ever be ashamed to admit this; we all want to believe, we all want to trust, we all want to have a part of that fairytale that love - or the fantasy of it, as you say - conquers all! 🙂
f relationship is satisfying to both people involved keep it. On again off again relationships are just that. If you are satisfied with that, so be it. But don't complain about a relationship when it does not turn out to be what you "thought" it would turn into. Men do sometimes get depressed after they get married because reality sets in. It is not just an exchange of words and as much sex as they can handle. It brings with it responsibility and sacrifice. I read an article once that said "marriage is not for you". It was very enlightening because it made you see that marriage is suppose to be two people making sacrifices for each other. What I keep reading here sounds like friendships with perks. The ladies want relationships, but the guys are just having fun. Jane was right when she said to "use your head".
Exactly, I find people are sort of spoiled these days with high expectations. If both are expecting to gain and neither is willing to give what kind of marriage can work out of that?
And that's exactly the point, Carolyn; it has to work for both people. Two people on the same page looking for the same thing with each other. Not what we might have "thought" it would turn into, as you say, but what both people want it to turn into. When two people want the "same thing", that "same thing" is exactly what happens. We just have to bring along our heads so we can see the practical logic of this that our hearts of a harder time seeing!
The other side of the "not listening to what is said" coin is important, too. I have a tendency to not hear what my significant man says...the good things he says. When I say that I am looking for a life partner and he says he is looking for the same, or when he says that I am the complete package for him and that he adores me....I don't always let it sink fully in. I might feel like I need to say something, I might distract myself so I don't feel it because it is so very wonderful and I'm just not used to hearing those kinds of things! So lately, when he says wonderful things, I pause, I look at him, I smile, I hum a bit, I feel how those words feel. I let him know by my actions, not my words, that I heard him, and that I am comfortable with what he said and I give him back the light and energy I have in me.
What a beautiful way of looking at this, Emily; thank you so much for sharing this beautiful picture of what it can feel like to simply receive without having to say our usual words!
I feel more confused then ever. I have been in a committed relationship twice and both times it just did not work. My first husnand went into a deep depression soon after wedding. Although he loved me and I was doing my best to be a grwat wife his family was not very happy about this marriage. He stopped working, he was failing his studies and he did not wish to go out or help me at home. Finally after 3 years we split. After a few years I got married again. My husband was helpful and financially independent, but he was not getting alone withy parents. He looked down on them because they were old and sick. He started being mean with me and chading after other women online.
So now, even though I have a nice relatively steady bf, who was willing to committ I qvoid committments and fell head over hills for a total troublemaker. His father left a family when he was small, so the guy like him does not even know what a healthy marriage is like. The perfect relationship for him is the one between him and his mom, cause I guess he is kind of hee spouse., just like my older daughter is to me. We are 100% committed to each other. So anyway, he is appearing wnd disappearing men and he is doing it to me for already over 10 tears and I am starting to even like it. I do suffer emotionally whenI do not hear from him for a few days in a row, but I like my independence once he is gone and I love that feeling of joy when he returns. Even he did discuss with me settling down together a few times I was not too excited about it. I like things the way they are, even though it is nothing like normal. If there are non-committing men, could there be such thing as non-committing women.
There certainly are, Nina; although in my experience, it's usually more of a defense mechanism than the way we naturally feel. But if it works for this particular relationship that you're in, then that's what matters more than any cookie-cutter recipe for happiness. "I like things the way they are, even though it is nothing like normal" - that's the beautiful point of my whole message, Nina; it's about what each one of us can live with, and not what anyone else says this is all supposed to look like. All these things, all of our relationships are always your own personal decision, and only you can know what someone is worth to you!
I am at the beginning of my journey of being single. My boyfriend of 3.5yrs informed me that he did not want a committed relationship and has stopped calling, texting, etc. I am trying to align my heart with my head.
One step at a time, BRD; you're so not alone! The most important thing you can do right now is go easy on yourself. Don't look back with what you could have done differently. This is never about you, so don't take any of his actions personally. You're free; free to be with someone who does want the same committed relationship you're looking for. I know it's painful, but know that you will get through this, my beautiful friend, and when you do, you will see this the way you can't right now. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with YOU!
I have a question that I hope you can answer. After many disappointments with a previous on and off relationship I decided to finally move on after four years. My head finally kicked in and I actually started listening to what I knew I needed to do, which was move on. After several months of moving on with my life, dating other people, being around friends and enjoying my life again the "off" relationship came back. This time it seems different. He said he realizes now what he was losing and wants to get engaged and married and get a house and everything. He is telling me everything I had always wanted to hear. He wants to go to a relationship counselor to work on issues so we can start again with a new strong foundation of trust. It is like we are dating again. I have still maintained a good level head and have no expectations of what may happen. He has never been married, he is 41. He told me he always thought we would be together and get married and settle down one day, but once he saw I was moving on with my life without him that he did not want to lose me. My question is, do men one day wake up a realize they want to get married and settle down? Or is it more likely that he didn't want me to move on with someone else and this is more of a knee jerk reaction? I am proceeding with caution, and seeing how much of an investment he is willing to put into the relationship. But, would like your opinion and any advice you can give me on this. Thank you.
I personally would proceed with extreme caution. In my experience I just feel people show you who they are. You shouldn't have to go to counseling before you get married...to me that is a huge red flag. I hope my words don't hurt you...not my intention! I'm just personally tired of men treated us woman like a ping pong ball and think they can come and go as they please. I think I finally got it that it's us woman who get to decide who stays in our lives and who we allow to play with our hearts. Why didn't he want you before? Why now? Just be careful that you are not settling for more than you deserve! He should have known how awesome you are before he played with your heart! Always remember people show you who they are you just need to listen! Best wishes and remember you deserve nothing but the best and shouldn't settle for less!
Thanks for your insight here, NB; it's hearing from other's experiences that give a perspective that might not have otherwise been considered, regardless of what someone decides to do. We're all in this together!
I agree with the some of the previous post, however I have learned we are not always on the same 'timeline' for settling down. 4 years is a long time to be with someone, but men and women think differently when it comes to commitment and relationships. Maybe your now on again boyfriend realized how important you were to him after his time apart from you. A 41 year old , never married man certainly sounds to most as someone who has commitment related issues.... But he may also be someone who never met his 'Ms right' or didn't realize it when he had it...with you. I wouldn't rush in to any marriage, house and family just yet as I would really want to know what changed his mind..and why he is certain you are the one for him....now. I actually think going to a relationship therapist is a good idea. There you can air all your feelings, concerns and questions you might still be harbouring. Your doubt is a good thing and a good therapist will be there to help both of you make the best choices for a healthy relationship. Don't write him off....but also...as the article above say's... Think with your head on this. Take your time, don't jump in, and remember You are in control of your destiny and he needs to show you that his feelings are genuine. Good luck!
It sounds like you're in a really good place within yourself, Indygirl, so I would listen to your gut instinct - without expectations - like you're doing, to see if his actions and behavior back up what he's now telling you. It could be either one of those scenarios, depending on the person. There often does come a time when a man sees that everyone else around him is settling down, and he may start to ask himself some bigger questions that can lead to a wake-up call on what his priorities are. It really depends on how connected he is with himself, how open he is to introspection, and how in touch he is with his feelings. Only time will tell, but if you give yourself a timeframe that's acceptable to you - and keep living your own life the way you have been - you'll know soon enough. Your beautiful heart is the main concern here; don't allow yourself to get caught up again in the fantasy of what seems so close, that you put yourself through what you've already been through - and know you don't want! - again!
From my experience I would tell you to keep your pride and heart
And find a man who does not doubt you or makes things harder.
Why?
Because i have not been in exactly the same situation., but similar. thought that I was fine and
Let him "prove" to me his promises and changes.
So i went on with my life but giving him the space and chances, and the "heartbreak" happend again! Because i was disappointed
That it "again" did not work out.
Oh and it was horrible!
So whatever you choose think about it if he is really worth it?
I love this write up...Good advise.
Ladies, we have to make use of our heads the same way we open our hearts.
Thanks for your kind words, Elo. We sure do!
you hurt on purpose tht i never have done.