A letter from another beautiful reader, Katrina:
Hmmm... where do I begin... it's been over three months since I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend and since then I can't help but feel that I did something wrong.
I knew it wasn't normal to have crying spells every morning on my way to work because of the way he was acting. First of all, I'll admit I made mistakes by breaking up with him on two separate occasions during our year and ten month relationship.
I understand it's not normal to break up with someone but each of those times I broke it off because I felt unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved.
Might I add, I immediately apologized and talked through our problem. The day we broke up he was staying with friends (a married couple and two other friends) at a beach house. He had been there for over four days with minimal contact with me. I was happy he was having such a great time.
The day I was supposed to meet him at the beach house, the weather was going to be awful. I suggested he come home and we could catch a movie and spend some time with each other. He didn't like that one bit. He accused me of "trying to ruin his vacation."
We went back and forth and eventually I began to spill what I had been holding back. I told him I was lucky to have minimum of four consecutive hours in a day with him while his friends got four whole days; I didn't like the way he was so rude to my family; the way he had no problem pressuring me to love out but I was scorned for bringing up marriage; and the way we rarely we went out on dates.
I asked lastly if I was asking for too much and he answered yes. I've made mistakes in the past and when he has pointed them out I always go above and beyond to remedy it. I guess I expected that from him.
I expected him to say you're right it's going to rain I'm on my way.
I felt judged by his friends.
I know I'm worth so much more. I wouldn't have invested four years of my life into a degree and graduated with honors from both schools if I didn't think I was worth something. I wanted him to be proud when he talked about me to his friends.
Nevertheless, he made me feel ordinary.
He was overly worried about trivial things such as spending the night. Not the fact that I was going somewhere, that I was stable, and longed for a family with HIM- no one else. I can't say it was all bad. When he tried my gosh he made me like a princess.
Nevertheless, I'm hoping to get an unbiased opinion- was I wrong?? Should I have stuck around?? Is there a chance he'll come back?
- Katrina
My response:
Trust yourself here, Katrina. There was a reason you broke up with him numerous times before. There was a reason you were having crying spells every morning on your way to work because of the way he was acting.
You knew something wasn't right, and even if you wanted to believe that you were the one with the problems, that you were the one making the mistakes, the reality is that it always takes two to make a relationship work, so this relationship was not your sole responsibility to take on!
You saw the signs that his friends were more of a priority than you, your body and mind and soul knew all this even if your heart was the last to finally accept what they already knew.
When you love like you do, my beautiful friend, when you give and hope and believe like you do, you so want to believe that it will still get better, that anything is possible and that he will still come around and commit to you like you so want him to.
But the problem with that beautiful hope is that when it's spent on someone who isn't worthy of you, who isn't there on the same page as you are and who doesn't want the same thing you do - and whose behavior clearly shows this by how he treats you! - then it is you who sells yourself short by questioning yourself and taking more than your share of the blame - and the guilt - for what you did or didn't do.
Take back your power, my beautiful friend. Don't go there. Don't get caught up in second-guessing yourself and questioning whether or not you did the right thing. You know. No more apologies, no more taking more responsibility for this than he's willing to take. You don't want someone in your life who is so quick to judge you, so quick to point out your mistakes, and so quick to place the blame on you.
You never have to beg for anything, Katrina. Love is your birthright. To be loved is not something you ever have to fight for. Either he loves you or he doesn't. Either he treats you the way you deserve to be treated, or he doesn't. Either he's on the same page as you or he isn't.
This isn't about him. This is about you.
You have so much to offer someone who's deserving of you. You have so much to offer someone who wants the same thing as you and treats you like the prize you are and not like someone he can treat however he chooses and expect that you'll always be there for him. We can forget what we deserve and settle for crumbs all too easily sometimes; but this is never what we deserve.
You absolutely did the right thing here! Of course it never feels that way when we look back and recall the good times more than the bad. When you're still alone, and he seems to have moved on all too well without you, it's only natural that we question ourselves and rethink our decision and wonder if there's still a chance he'll be back.
Only if he's there, Katrina. Only if he's on the same page as you and wants the same thing and is willing to do whatever it takes to build a real relationship with you and make that happen. That's what real love is and that's the absolute least of what you deserve! You know who you are; you know all that you have to offer someone who proves himself to be worthy of you.
Honor that beautiful woman you are, Katrina; be proud of yourself for being able to see what wasn't there and being strong enough to walk away even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Choose you, not him. Hold your own head up high; you know what you deserve!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Did Katrina do the right thing? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!
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