There is really only one question that it all comes down to if you peel away the layers of what's really going on...
When he hasn't called.
When he won't commit.
When he's not on the same page as you are, but you so want him to be.
When he lets you know clearly where he stands, and it's not where you stand.
When he tells you he needs space.
When he's getting emotionally distant.
When you find out he's not who you thought he was but you're afraid to let go of all the time and energy you've already invested.
When you want to believe you can change him.
When you don't want to give up on your dream of all that he could be, all that the two of you could be, if only he could see this the way you do.
It all boils down to one simple question, and it really is the most important question you can ask yourself:
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
I get why you think you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Because we believe in their potential. We believe in the power of love. We believe we can love them enough to change them. We believe in miracles.
We believe that if we just hold out a little longer, give them a little more time and space, they'll see what could be, too.But you, my beautiful friend, deserve so much more than this.
You can't make anyone love you no matter how hard you try.
You can't change anyone except yourself.
You can't make him see what he's not open to seeing.
And you can't open his heart and mind to be open to you no matter how much you think that would change everything. If it's meant to be, it has to come from him. The only way you have a chance at finding out what could be is by finally letting go and living your life - for you, not for him.
Any other way is no way to live.
And the same applies to women...
And to every single one of us, Luc; thank you for the reminder that we all can relate to this, no matter who we are or what gender we may be, this is one question we can all relate to.
Jane, your last part of sentence is so right!! "If it meant to be, it needs to come from him". I fall in love with a toxic guy and he hasn't talk to me almost a month. Because we had argument and the argument was caused by him testing me and telling me perspective. I always treat people the way I wanted to treated. Also the way they treat me and he made me feel question my self doubt and self worth.... And I suffer through this month because I couldn't completely shake off the feeling to him and move on. And today is his birthday... All day I'm back and forth whether I should wish him a birthday or not... And I didn't and I'm not going to. Because I know I deserve better and he's been ignoring me so why shoul I? And today I get your colum and says why you want to be with him when he doesn't want you ..... Jane, thank you so much!!!!!! Your colum always give me strength of being myself!!!!
I'm so glad the timing of this resonated with you, Tae. And thank you for your kind words, my beautiful friend.
It can be so hard to see the most loving thing we can do for ourselves sometimes, until it's spelled out for us. Know that when you're with someone who's right for you, you won't be questioning or doubting yourself, and an argument won't be enough to keep someone from communicating with you. Be so proud of yourself for getting this; it takes many of us a very long time to finally realize this, too. 🙂