Archives for June 2013

Will He Ever Want a Committed Relationship? 3 Signs He Might

A beautiful woman is being hugged — Here's how you know.

Of all the questions I'm asked, the one subject that gets more attention than anything else is whether or not a man will ever come around and commit.

Will he ever want a committed relationship?

There is just so much fear around this subject.

We're afraid that as soon as we leave, as soon as we decide to let go and move on, he will come around and want that committed relationship, and we will miss the kind of relationship with him we'd been waiting and holding on for so long for.

I remember having this exact feeling; I was just so sure that if I gave up waiting, if I let go of holding on and hanging around waiting for him to finally see the light, it would be at that exact time that he would be ready and I would miss out on everything I'd been waiting for!

First of all, let's set the record straight. If he were to come around and suddenly be ready to commit to you (and that's a huge if) and you had just left him, he would chase you. There's no way a man in love and ready to have a committed relationship with you is going to let you just walk away if he's made that decision, or is very close to making that decision.

Release the YOU You Never Knew

19 Comments

Find and get to know your inner diva.

I’ve got some breaking news: you don’t need a man to define your life! You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. In fact, it’s the opposite – your life is exactly that – yours. Men (at least the healthy ones) like women who have their own life. If a man wants a woman who’s going to devote their entire being to him, and cater to his every whim, then he’s got his own issues and we don’t want to go there anyway.

Your life is what you choose to make of it. You can keep waiting and hoping for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to be in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own. But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you. Because you can do it, too! Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be? You can! You can do anything, be anything, and achieve anything, if you believe in yourself that you can.Continue Reading

In Your Own Time

11 Comments

You hear what I'm saying, you hear what others are saying, but it's so hard to believe this is what it all comes down to. What if he's different? What if I'm the exception? What if it's just a matter of waiting a little longer? What if this is my dream and it can still come true? I understand completely where you're coming from if any of this resonates with you.

It took me many times of going back and forth, many dances of holding on tighter and then letting go one small step back at a time before I was finally able to completely let go and move on from the many relationships I was in that held so many of my hopes and dreams. I, too, always whispered those words to myself whenever someone came along who thought they knew better, even if I had been the one asking for their thoughts.

Unfortunately, when someone is in the thick of it, they are rarely ever open to seeing a relationship for what it is. I have learned time and time again, that unless someone is open to hearing the truth, so much of what we say isn't able to be received. So I have learned to give someone an honest outside perspective if they ask for it, but then, to give them the space to do what they choose to do with that information. We only become co-dependent if we keep after them, trying to get them to change, to see it the way that everyone else clearly sees it.

I've come to realize that we are all on our own unique journeys, and each of us comes to that level of awareness when we finally see things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be, in our own timing. The point is to share our own unique perspective, and then let them discover this in the way that is meant to be for them. Just like we can't make anyone love us, we also can't make anyone else see the truth of what's really going on if they refuse to see it, no matter how much we see themselves only hurting themselves more this way. It is such a personal choice to choose to come into the light of what is instead of being guided by our deep inner longings and deepest hurts that influence our decisions more than any degree of logic.

The "why" of why we we do this to ourselves, why we find ourselves so attracted to someone who is so not good for us in the first place, and then remain in such a relationship even after we've heard the truth, is because these subconscious needs we have at the core of us are stronger than any conscious rational thinking. We are never drawn to these men because they are so attractive, or so intelligent, or so wealthy, or so charming, or seductive, or whatever it is for each one of us; we are drawn to them because they trigger in us something familiar so that we sense a unique opportunity to right a wrong, or make good on something that we didn't get or was done to us in our distant past, usually from our earliest childhoods, so great is the pull towards someone like this.

We are drawn to the opportunity to finally affect the outcome, to prove ourselves worthy and loveable enough to finally have the person this person outwardly represents to love us in the way we know we deserve. And yet what takes so long for us to recognize, is that it is not our issue, it is theirs. That they were never capable of loving us the way we deserved to be loved had nothing to do with our own lovableness or worthiness, but everything to do with their own issues and demons that they never learned to deal with before we were in their lives.

And once we're there, it becomes so hard to leave, we will come up with every excuse to keep us there, to keep the reality of the truth away before we're ready to hear it. Because it means everything to make it work, we are talking about love here, and because it runs so much deeper than this particular man, we feel like we are dying without it. Because as a child, we could actually die without love, but we forget we're no longer children, we no longer have to be victims, we can choose to end all this pain and misery with a simple word. Enough!

But it's only when we are willing to see the reality of what is and not what we want it to be, that we see any of this. And that is why we do this to ourselves and it never feels like a conscious choice until we get to that point where we can say those words and mean it, my beautiful friend, and that is also why we keep repeating these same patterns over and over again until we finally get to this deeper level of awareness where there is nothing left to prove; there never was.

Until then, until we come to that realization and can accept the reality of what is, it is enough to just be open. To know that everything happens for a reason. To trust that this is part of your journey for a purpose. And to believe that when it's time, when you're ready to move beyond the life that you cannot imagine letting go of right now, you will be strong enough to do exactly that. This isn't about measuring up to some standard of what you should be able to do. Nor is it about beating yourself up if you're not there yet and don't know if you ever will be. When you've learned what you need to learn from this, when you're ready to do something different, you'll know. It will become absolutely clear to you that you can do this!

And until that time, if all you do is learn what it means to truly love yourself and forgive yourself for whatever regrets you may have had along the way, that is more than enough.

Be Healthy

2 Comments

And know what that means for you.

OK, so we all know the importance of being healthy.

Of having a healthy lifestyle.

But beyond all the fancy clichés and trendy phrases, do we really understand what that means for us? Do we truly get what that actually looks like in real life?

Our real lives?

If we think of being healthy as being more of an attitude than a list of things we do, it helps us to understand the important role this step plays in getting to true love.

The key is that being healthy is about you, not about him.

It’s what we do for ourselves, to keep us feeling our best inside and out. With the motivation that it’s in taking care of ourselves like we deserve to be taken care of, that we remember each day that we are worthy, we are beautiful, we are deserving of only the best life has to offer.Continue Reading

Love Yourself

10 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Nadia, wrote to me asking how to learn to love yourself more. I realized that this is something that all of us soft-hearted, sensitive, caring souls need to learn to do better. Here's her letter along with my response to share with all of you.

Dearest beautiful Jane,

The last articles were really good, thank you really for that! I really benefit from them!! There is this one thing that I've got on my mind...I wonder how do you love yourself more? 🙂 I feel I'm lacking this self-love and I wonder if you can give me some tips? I would really appreciate it. Much love!

Nadia

My response:

Dear Nadia,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad to hear these articles are resonating with you, and yet I understand what you are saying here; if the key to being more confident is learning to love yourself - how do you actually do that? Especially if you come from a place like so many of us do, where loving yourself is such a foreign concept, and self-loathing is a more accurate picture of what we're so used to doing!

A post I wrote about this, It's Time to Be Selfish, also speaks to this topic, but here's what I've discovered about the journey to love yourself more.

Surround yourself with love.

It's first and foremost about surrounding yourself with supportive people who love and accept you the way you are and make you feel good about yourself.

At the same time, it's about letting go of those people who have the opposite effect on you and are always overtly trying to change you, make comments that make you feel they don't truly accept you, and in one way or another send the message that you're not OK the way you are, you'd be better off being the way they think you should be, and ultimately give you the feeling that there's something wrong with you even though they don't know anything about what they're talking about! The don't.

Now if these people are members your family, while it's not possible to change our families of origin, we can choose to limit our interactions with them and set clear strong boundaries with them when we do need to be around them to limit the amount of control they're able to have over our lives and the way we feel. The idea here, is that by surrounding ourselves with supportive, positive people, it's much easier to be loving to ourselves than if we're always feeling like we need to defend or explain ourselves.

Be passionate.

Get involved in hobbies, passions, activities and projects that you're passionate about and enjoy doing. There's nothing that sends a clearer message to ourselves that we're special and worthy and have so much to offer than doing things that give us proof of that. From the small things like being kind to people when we talk to them, to causes we support or volunteer for where we can genuinely make a difference in the world, it's doing these types of things that give us a whole person to love in ourselves - and reminds us of even more reasons why we're special and can make a difference in a way that's unique to us!

Remember it's OK to say no.

Only say yes to those things you really mean to say yes to, and remember it's OK to say no to the things you really don't want to do! So often we get so caught up in that pleasing mentality where we feel guilty if we say no, and we feel like we always have to say yes if we want people to like us, that we miss out on a wonderful opportunity to show our beautiful selves just how much we're worth and how loving we can be to ourselves.

We becomes so much less authentic when we give up being true to ourselves in exchange for giving people what we think they want from us, and in the process, we send ourselves the very unloving message that we don't have the right to stand up for ourselves and let our yes's simply be yes's, and our no's simply be no's, without long, apologetic defensive explanations.

Responses like this only make us feel worse about ourselves and make us sound like we don't truly believe we have the right to make our own decisions that are best for us! This one can be especially difficult to do if you received the message that saying no was selfish and being agreeable made you a good little girl. But it's also one of the most important things you can do to honor and respect that beautiful woman you truly are!

Keep growing.

Stretch yourself to do things that are out of your comfort zone. Ask yourself what you believe isn't your strong point or your personality strength. Go back in time to think of those things that others told you that you couldn't do or thought you'd never be able to do. Whether the messages you received were subtle or not so subtle, chances are you got the clear message that there were some things you were better at than others, and some things you shouldn't even attempt to try.

The reality is, that those messages you received were based on other people's perception of you, and even though they may have had the best of intentions, such as not wanting you to fail, the end result is always the same. You end up with far too many should's and shouldn'ts that hold you back, give you a feeling of incompetence, and leave you much more likely to loathe yourself for all the things you can't do, rather than love yourself for all the things you can do!

Show yourself that you really can do whatever you put your mind to - this isn't about proving anything to anyone else, but yourself! And know that if there is something you fail at, it's never a failure but a learning experience that puts you more in touch with yourself as you learn even more about who you really are and what you're all about!

Pamper yourself.

Give yourself a fresh makeover. Not that you need to change yourself in any kind of a drastic way, but sometimes just treating yourself to a new updated hairstyle, some new makeup, a new wardrobe, a fresh manicure or pedicure or whatever else is within your budget and fits your lifestyle can do wonders for how you feel about yourself. Don't do any of this for anyone else but yourself, and make sure it reflects who you are and not some hairstylist's or makeover artist's latest craze, but just some small steps to make you feel your best can do wonders for your self-esteem and your ability to see your beautiful, loveable self in a fresh new light.

Becoming your healthiest self by joining a fun exercise class, finding someone to run or bike with, taking up yoga or dance classes, and finding your own path to healthy living by learning to cook healthy meals for yourself are all ways that you send yourself the message that you're worth taking care of in healthy ways!

Remind yourself of how loveable you are.

Finally, daily affirmations can make such a difference if you start each and every day with your favorite inspirational sayings that you post as a reminder on your bathroom mirror or fridge reminding you of all that you are, all that you have to offer someone truly deserving of you, and all that is beautiful and loveable about yourself! Find those sayings that inspire you and write them out so that they become that much more real in your own handwriting, etching them in your mind.

Most of all, Nadia, remember that there is no one like you, no one who can do what you were created to do, and there is no one you ever need to prove your worthiness to of all that is wonderful and beautiful and loving in the world. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have to offer you, my beautiful friend, and the irony is that it's only when we eventually come to believe this that we finally find that's exactly what we end up with!

Much love to you!

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have any additional ideas on how we can all give ourselves the gift of loving ourselves? Share them with us in the comments.

Why It's Critically Important to Keep an Open Mind

2 Comments

A beautiful brunette woman is smiling and talking on her cell phone trying to keep an open mind — Unless you’ve already tried it and know for sure it’s not for you, why not give it a try? You might just find something (or someone) you love.

Don’t be too quick to turn down an invitation.

So what happens when your new friend from the Save the Manatees call center asks you if you want to join her for some country-western line dancing this weekend?

You think to yourself, I’m not a country-western girl.

Well, are you sure?

This is where it gets a little tricky – I mean, if you’ve tried the country-western thing, and you just can’t stand the music, or the cowboy hats, or whatever, then by all means be true to yourself and politely decline (but maybe recommend something different).

But if you’ve never really given country music a chance, and hey, you know, you do like dancing – well then, why not?

Give it a try.

You might just find out that you love it.Continue Reading

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30

Will He Ever Want a Committed Relationship? 3 Signs He Might

Release the YOU You Never Knew

In Your Own Time

Be Healthy

Love Yourself

My response:

Surround yourself with love.

Be passionate.

Remember it's OK to say no.

Keep growing.

Pamper yourself.

Remind yourself of how loveable you are.

Why It's Critically Important to Keep an Open Mind

Give it a try.

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar