Here's a letter sent in by one of our beautiful readers, and I find that the questions she asks and the themes here are very common (the letter has been slightly edited for anonymity):
"Dear Jane - I was seeing a man for just under a year, everything was great, except he would not tell people we were together. He was going through a divorce, which happened before we met. I met his family and got along great with them. At times he did see other women when we were together. We had a vacation together in the summer, it was all beautiful. But just before the beginning of the year he told me that he doesn't love me and doesn't think he ever will have feelings for me on that level. He also told me that he doesn't see me in a romantic way, but he said he does think of me as his best friend and he respects me more than any other woman he's ever been with. He asked if we could still be friends, but I said no. I was too upset. However, since then, we have exchanged a few text messages, and he still asks if I'd have sex with him, to which I say no. It's so hard for me, I love this man, I really do. I don't get how a guy can spend Christmas with me, his choice, he asked me, we had such a great time, take me to his parents and spend a family evening, then 3 days later end it. He is in his late thirties, so he isn't a child. He has children as do I. I'm heart broken, but another guy is interested in me. Do I forget about him, and start again, or wait and hope he changes his mind? I really thought this man cared for me, after a year I stupidly even thought he loved me. It hurts, please help me."
My Response:
This is one of those times that you really need to hear what he's saying and believe him even if it doesn't make any sense to you. It wasn't stupid to think that he loved you; it's what it seemed like to you and would have seemed like to anyone else in your position. Don't beat yourself up here; just be glad he's being this honest with you, even if it hurts, even if you don't understand it. By being honest about how he feels, you're being given a gift so that you can move on with your life and free yourself up for someone who will love you and who will see you in both a romantic way and as a best friend.
You deserve nothing less than this; and as much as you want to believe that waiting a little longer for him to change, to come around and commit to you, the reality is, you can't change change him. You can't make him love you. If it's going to be, if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen but not because you wait around to see if anything changes, but because both of you would be on the same page and wanting the same thing. That's what makes it work.
You deserve nothing less than that, and the sooner you can accept his answer and move on, the easier this will all be for you. I know it's not easy, but for whatever reason that has nothing to do with you, this is the choice he has made. But you also have a choice. Instead of seeing it as yet another loss, try and see that you are free; free to focus your time and energy on yourself and doing the work to figure out what you can do differently to attract someone into your life who will be everything that you so deserve. Free to be with someone who wants to be with you.
Don't let anyone else into your life who doesn't first show you that he is worthy of you and all that you have to offer. Make sure he's worth your beautiful heart, your beautiful you.
What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!
WOW Jane!
Today being Sunday i downloaded and read your Ten Steps to finding TRUE LOVE, and made notes from it in my diary. The way you describe yourself and situations resonated so well because it all felt so familiar. I know what i dont want in a relationship but only after reading came to a realization of what i DO want and I am so grateful to you for providing the roadmap to finding true love
Blessings and love
I'm so glad you enjoyed my ebook, Lin; and thank you so much for the feedback. I'm so glad it resonated with you and shed some light on where to go from here! 🙂
This story is common and in my old wise age I always advised my younger friends who are seeking relationships to NOT date seriously or have sex with any man who is recently divorced or has just come out of a long term relationship.
I wish I had had that advice before a relationship I have just come out of. He was 4 months out of his relationship and i did say at the time it was too soon. He said not! Now I know it was . I was widowed young and had wonderful marriage to my first love , so I do not have a great deal of experience in relationships. I guess I have a hard journey ahead or maybe i should just stay on my own - might be for the best. I have had great love and maybe I shouldn't be greedy !
My heart goes out to you, Helen; and I'm so sorry for your loss. To have known a love like you did and lost it in the tragic way you did is heartbreaking. I hope the advice and articles you find here help you navigate this new phase of your life. Please don't hesitate to reach out if I can help in any way along this new path you find yourself on.
Wonderful advice, Jayeanna! So often we think our situation is the exception, but the reality is that if someone is that amazing and the relationship might be that incredible, it will still be those things after enough time has passed for him to be ready for a new relationship - if he's the one for you!
I think Jane is right he has set you free. You deserve better, I know it's hard to move on but I think you must. It's a grieving process, you will get through it and be stronger when you come out the other end. I wish you well xx
If only the man with whom I have a strong bond but possibly unhealthy connection with would say similar words to me I would feel free to move on... As I type these words I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I should find the courage to break free because I know what is right not because he makes it easier. Well, I hope one day I get there!
Jane, any thought to creating an on line ladies' discussion forum? 🙂 These exchanges are so encouraging!!
Thank you all!
Oh I so get what you're saying, Tara; it's as if we need to have him spell it out for us verbally so there can be no doubt, yet his actions and behavior already tell us so clearly if we would just open our eyes to the reality instead of our hopeful, wishful hearts!
And I love the idea of setting up a discussion forum like you suggest - I'll look into it! 🙂
Im in the same boat, I've lost myself by focusing on a man so much and his family. Its tiring and im in so deep that i cant find a spark out of this.:(
You're so not alone in that boat, Lee. And I so hear where you're coming from and it is a difficult, and yes, tiring, place to be. I'm always here if you'd like to share more of your story.
Jane , I think that when a man shows interest, takes us to meet his family , or for a holiday we tend to go overboard, and go with them the whole way without realizing that our commitment to self love should always come first which transalated means always lower your guard very slowly and then never completely.
In the above case him saying no to her is not about her self worth, its not a judgement , he may be hesitant to commit to anyone. Its upto us to have our boundaries intact. Be selective and occasionally withholding and you will receive better treatment and be respected more by others and if all else fails walk away.Dont let your life revolve around one person, because that never works.
So true, Lin; it's so hard not to go there and then we end up taking it all so personally when it turns out we were on two different pages. Eventually, we learn that the only antidote to this is grounding ourselves in self-love and resolving to never commit to him more than he is committing to us. Those lessons that most of us learn only by going through this the hard way.